Newspaper Page Text
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HE DID.
Tommy canio out of a room whero his
father was tacking down a carpet. He
was crying lustily. .
“Why, Tommy, what’s the matter?”
asked his mother.
‘ < P-p-p-apa hit his finger with the
hammer,” sobbed Tommy.
“Well, you needn’t cry about a thing
like that, ’ ’ comforted his mother. ‘ ‘ Why
didn’t you laughT”
“I did,” sobbed Tommy.
THE EDITOR ON DUTY.
(From tho Boston Globe.)
’Most any one can be an editor. All
an editor, has to do is to sit at his desk
six days in the week, four weeks of the
month and twelve months in the year,
and “edit” such stuff as this:
“Mrs. Jones, of Lost Creek, let a
can-opener slip last week and cut her
self in tho pantry.”
“A mischievous lad of Matlierton
threw a stone and struck a companion
in the alley last Tuesday.”
“John Doe climbed on the roof of
his house last week looking for a leak
and fell, striking himself on the back
porch. ’ ’
“While Harold Green was escorting
Miss. Violet Wise from a church social
last Saturday night a savage dog at
tacked them and bit Mr. Green on the
public square.”
“Isaihh Trimmer, of Lebanon, was
playing with a cat Friday when it
scratched him on the veranda.”
“Mr. White, while harnessing a bron
cho last Saturday, was kicked just south
of the corn crib.”
THE AT
LEAP YEAR.
(From the Washington Star.)
“Do you think leap year gives a wo
man any especial privileges?”
‘ 1 No, ’ ’ answered Mr. Groucher. “ It’s
merely a warning to a man to bo on his
guard. ’ ’
OH, OH, OH!
“Do you know, dear,” said Edith to
her friend, “that when I dance with
Jack it just seems as if he will dance
me straight to heaven?”
“Really,” replied Constance, “doesn’t
he ever reverse?”
THE WHOLE THING.
A quick-witted Irish girl was being
examined by the inspector.
“You were born in Ireland?”
“I was.”
“What 4 part?”
“Why, all of me, of course. ’ ’
HARD LUCK OP A KANSAN.
(The Corning (Kas.) Gazette.)
A farmer near Corning, whose son
was an applicant for a position under
the government, but who had been re
peatedly turned down, said: “Well, it’s
hard luck, but John has missed that
civil service again. It looks like they
just won’t have him!”
“What was the trouble?”
“Well, he was short on spellin' and
geography, and missed purty fur in
mathematics. ’ ’
“What is he going to do about it?”
* * I dunno. Times is mighty hard and
I reckon he’ll have to go back to teach
ing school for a living.”
L ANTI AN
NO PIONEER.
“Why don’t you be a reformer; a
pioneer of thought?”
“I don’t want to be a pioneer,” re
plied Senator Sorghum. “I want to be
one of the fellows who come along after
the pioneers have cleared things up and
organize syndicates to put the proposi
tion on a paying basis.”
PUSHING A GOOD THING.
One day a party of traveling men
were boasting of the business done by
their respective firms, when one of the
drummers said:
“No house in the country has as many
men and women pushing its line of goods
as ours.”
“What do you sell?” he was asked.
“Baby carriages,” said the salesman.
STRAW HE COULDN'T CATCH.
(From the Milwaukee Sentinel.)
She led the bashful one into the con
servatory, whero the strains of the B’ue
Siamese Band floated out to them and
the creepers crept coyly over the rock
ery, and even the goldfish seemed to
bubble with love. She led him to two
chairs—those same two chairs which had
sealed the future thousands.
“I am afraid,” said the bashful one
furtively, after she had led him farther
still, ‘ ‘ that your father would hardly
give his consent.”
“My father is always willing to
listen to reason,” she urged.
“But your mother— ; —”
“Absolutely dotes on you, Georg" ”
“M’yes. But you would never get on
with my own people, I’m certain.”
“Why, dear, I simply love them!”
“And, of course, my income is small.”
“Luxury,” she cried, clasping her
hands, “has ceased to possess charms
for mo! I think it would be so heaven
ly to have a cozy little cottage, where 1
could do all the cooking myself.”
“ Well, - confound it, then,” he ex
claimed, ‘ * let ’a get married! ”
A. L. BELL ISLE,
Proprietor Bell Isle Auto & Taxi
Cab Service.
T. P. HOLLAND,
Proprietor The Holland Theatre.
GOOD JUDGMENT.
“He always acts the fool so!”
“When he is with you, you mean?”
“That’s it.”
“Seems to know how to mix in har
moniously, eh?”
VIEWS OF OPTIMIST AND
PESSIMIST.
Howell—Fortune knocks once at every
man’s door.
Powell—While misfortune keeps on
knocking.
HIS WAY.
‘ 1 Well, mum, ’ ’ said the sympathetic
neighbor the day after the funeral, “I
suppose your Bill’s hitting the harp with
the angels now?”
“Not him, sir,” said the widow. “Hit
ting the angels with the harp is nearer
his mark.”
OPEN-FACED DIPLOMACY.
A writer in one of the papers (not
avowedly a funny paper) In discussing
matters in the far east (far east has
such a mysterious, uncanny sound,
hasn’t it?) says that our policy to
ward Japan should be "a diplomacy of
perfect openness and sincerity; ” that
is to say, we should lie by telling the
truth, for there is no such thing as a
diplomacy of perfect openness and
sincerity.
Diplomacy is a faculty brought into
play when one man or nation wants to
get something or keep something from
another man or nation. According to
its methods of procedure, it is of two
kinds: one kind proceeds by bluff,
bluster and bludgeons, the other by
salve, sycophancy, syrup and sneak
ers. In both cases, the concoction con
tains criminal aggression, insatiate
covetousness, civilized subjugation,
etc., but the label on the bottle spells
benevolent assimilation and humani-
tarianism and various other haloed in
gredients of a moral, religious or sen
timental nature.
The open faced type of diplomacy,
or, for that matter, of anything else,
is rarely seen nowadays outside of
penal institutions where the keepers
have their 8ay_ without ceremony or
reserve. And it might be said in con
clusion that our policy toward Japan
should be a diplomacy that would
make us Btay at home and mind our
own business.—Phil Collom, in April
Lippincott’s.
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