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THE ATLANTIAN
7
AT THE DOG FIIGHT.
If it occurs in your block, courteous
ly give way to strangers desiring a view,
particularly ladies.
Avoid showing partiality toward one
dog.
However, let your secret sympathies
and your compassion be always with tiie;
Hnder dog in the fight-—this is magr.ani-;
mity; but bet on the other one—ibis is
business.
FITTED WITH A NAME.
“What kind of a fellow is Badger?’’
“Well, I call him an autophilanthro-
pist.’’
“And what is that, pray I”
“An nutophilauthropist is one who ex
erts all his philanthropy upon himself. ’ ’
—Boston Transcript.
NOT BAD.
(From The Boston Advertiser).
“Mrs. Wombat has a presentment that
she is going to be rich some day. ’ ’
“What of it?’’
“She keeps harping on that to her
husband, and that’s what keeps him
hustling, ’’
PRECIOUS ATTRIBUTES.
‘ ‘ Why are diamonds so highly val
ued? ’’
They Told the Truth
Representatives Fitzgerald, of New York, and Hard
wick, of Georgia, told the House the truth when they char
acterized the public building bill as “rotten.”
So have been its predecessors for many years. Post-
office buildings have been erected by the Government
which cost ten times as much for running expenses and
maintenance as would have been needed to rent suitable
quarters. The larger public buildings, which could have
been finished in two or three years, have been dragged
along for ten or a dozen years. During all the waste time
the Government lost the use of its own property and in
some cases paid high rent for other property.
Nobody, not even the members who vote for the bills,
will attempt to defend them upon grounds of business pol
icy and economy. The individual congressman looks upon
any appropriation for his district as a means of “getting
solid” with his constituency. He votes for the other items
because he must pay with his vote for the votes of the
others. The members simply tie themselves together,
each one taking his slice of the loot and allowing his fel
low-members to do likewise.
The two representatives who assailed this fortress of
modified graft displayed a kind of patriotism and courage
which ought to be rewarded with the gratitude and favor
of every true Democrat and every right-thinking man.—
Exchange.
“I suppose,’’ replied Mr. Groweher,
“It’s because they are made of carbon,
which is the equivalent of coal, and at
the same time look liko ice.’’
MR. MEEKTON’S MEAN IDEA
‘ ‘ Why did you insist on having your
wifo join the Suffragette Club?’’
“Because,’’ replied Mr. Mcekton grim
ly, ‘ ‘ I want to sec that Suffragette Club
get all the trouble that’s coming to it. ’ ’
HOW IT’S DONE.
Gabc: ‘ ‘ What is culture ? ’ ’
Steve: ‘ ‘ Culture is when you speak of
tho house beautiful when you mean the
beautiful house. ’ ’—Cincinnati Enquirer.
Littlo Jack, aged five, had accompanied
his mother on a trip to the city.
When the conductor came around to
collect the fares he asked the usual ques
tion :
“How old is the boy?”
After being informed tho correct age,
which did not require a fare, the conduc
tor passed on to the next person.
Tho lad sat quite still, apparently pon
dering over something; then, concluding
that full information had not been given,
he called loudly to the conductor at the
other end of the car:
“And mother’s thirty-five.”—Harp
er’s Bazaar for November.
Once when conundrums were being ask
ed at a party Mark was urged to make
one.
“Well,” he said, “Why am I liko the
Pacific Ocean?’
Several guesses were made, but none
satisfied him. Finally all gave it up.
“Tell, Mark, why are you like tho Pa
cific Ocean?”
‘ ‘ I don’t know, ’ ’ ho drawled. ‘ 1 1 was
just asking for information.”
What Shall the Rich Do?
This is a notably improvident country. It provides
far greater opportunities than any other in the world for
amassing a swollen fortune, but makes no provision for
the possessor of that fortune to do anything else.
The oversight is brought to mind by a statement that
an excessively opulent "Wall Street banker, who is also
a British subject, proposes to stand for Parliament. The
English have always been strong in respect of providing
occupation for a very rich man. He can go to the House
of Commons, or even—if he is willing to pay the price—
to the House of Lords. This gives him an agreeable dis
traction and undoubtedly tends powerfully to keep his
mind off thoughts of further sequestration. It also raises
the social tone of politics. With us, an extremely rich
banker would not think of going to Congress. He would
think merely of sending a hired man there. Hence, in
part, a popular impression that politics is incurably vul
gar. In this country a tremendously rich man can hardly
get into the national legislature except by low and sordid
corruption. In England he goes honorably to party head
quarters with a check book in one hand and an unim
peachable character in the other. That is a nicer ar
rangement.
Probably it is a mistake to produce enormously rich
persons and then provide nothing for them to do except
become richer. We would favor a sort of sublimated
Senate, with unlimited power of debate and advice, but
no vote, to which gentlemen who had become so rich that
money getting was no longer interesting should be eligi
ble.—Ex.
Lead Poisoning
Some labor problems will be with us for a long while
to come. There is room for endless argument when you
ask: What wage shall the laborer get ? How many hours
shall he work? On these subjects honest minds differ.
NOW THEY DON’T SPEAK.
Maud: “So Jack compared mo with
something sweet, did he? The dear fel
low! What was it?”
Marie: “I don’t think I should tell
you. ’ ’
Maud: ‘ ‘ Oh, do. I insist. ’ ’
Marie: “Well, he referred to you as
the human marshmallow'. You certainly
had laid the powder on thick, dear. ’ ’—
Boston Transcript.
EDUCATIONAL.
The Learned Professor: ‘ * You know,
Mrs. Bloogs, it seems a shame to take
your hoy away from school at such an
early age. 1 myself didn’t finish my
school education until I was 19.”
Mrs. Bloogs: “Well, some children is
quicker at pickin’ up things than oth
ers. ’ ’—Punch.
O’Brien—“Come home and have sup
per wid me, Murphy.”
Murphy (looking at his watch)—Sure
it’s past 9 by the clock. Yer wife will
bo mad. • ’
O’Brien—“Yis, that’s jist it; but she
can’t lick tho two av us.”—Judge.
A woman who was breaking up her
summer homo telegraphed her husband of
her troubles about engaging two new serv
ants. ‘ ‘ Had a couple of Germans, but
they insisted that the washing be sent
out,” was one wire.
“Two Irish girls, excellent references,
but both engaged to marry policemen in
the holidays,” said another message.
“Two Swedes, healthy, but untrained,
have applied.”
The series of wires brought from her
husband tho suggestion:
“ Get a pair of Finns and swim home. ’'
—Pittsburgh Chronicle-Telegraph.
A clergyman, who has since obtained
prominence, was in his earlier years called
from a villago church.
When one of tho deacons expressed
grief at his going, the good man ob
served :
“No doubt you will get a better min
ister to tako my place.”
The deacon sighed. “That’s just the
trouble,” ho said. “Every preacher
lately is worse than the last.”—Lippin-
cott’s Magazine.
“I will tell you why I don’t marry,”
said a confirmed bachelor. “It is be
cause of one incident in my life which
lias made a deep and lasting impression
on me. ’ ’
His lady hearers were all attention,
scenting a romance.
“I once went to a sale. Never mind
what I went for or whom I went for. I
went. Of courso there was a tremen
dous crush, and one had to push to get
to a counter and shout like fury to at
tract attention. Well, I accidentally
stepped on a lady’s skirt and nearly
tripped her up. Sho turned quickly, and
the scowl on her face would have made a
more timid man bolt. Sho was evidently
about to address Bomo fierce remark to
me; then a change suddenly came over
her face.
“ ‘Oh, I beg your pardon,’ she said,
sweetly; ‘I thought you were my hus
band.’ ”—Exchange.