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THE ATL ANTI AN
t EVENIL MATCHED
Harris Merton Lyon, the author, has
a number of gross and earthly friends.
He says that the other day two of them
began to play billiards. As drough
overtook them, they took necessary
steps. Toward evening one of them
closed one eye and looked at the clock.
Then he left to telephone to his wife.
The other remained to stolidly pursue
the ball about the talble. After fifteen
minutes the first returned.
“How—hie—many you made?” he
asked.”
“Ain’t made none,” said the other,
drearily.
“What?” demanded the first friend.
“You been shootin’ all thish time and
ain’t made none?”
“Yes,” said the other, with some ir
ritation. “I ain’t made none. An’
lemma tell you, I been shootin’ for you,
too, and you ain’t made none, either!”
—Pittsburg Despatch.
TOO FAMILIAR
She laid her hand lovingly on rer
husbands shoulder. He started.
“My dear, would you mind not doing
that?” he asked.
“Why do you object, dearie?” asked
the wife.
“Well,” replied the husband, “ever
since we have owned a car, every time
you do it I think it is a traffic cop.”
THE SAME SHADE OF YELLOW
Two political opponents were dis
cussing the coming election in their
town.
“What, me vote your ticket?” roared
Flint, indignantly. “Just let me tell
you, McCoy, that if your party put up -
Abraham Lincoln I’d vote for a yellow
dog first.”
“Well, I don’t blame you,’ replied
MioCoy, calmly. “A fellow ought to
stand by his own kind every time.’
BELATED REPENTANCE
Mandy—“What foh yo’ been goin’ to
de postoffice so reg’lar? Are yo’ cor
respondin’ wif some other female?”
Rastus—“Nope; but sinch Ah been
a-readin’ in de papers ’bout dese ’con
science funds’ Ah kind of thought Ah
might possibly git a lettah from dat
ministah what married us.”—Life.
A DIFFICULT PASSAGE
“I though you were preaching, Un
cle Bob,” said the Colonel, to whom
the elderly negro had applied for a job.
“Yassah, Ah wuz,” replied Uncle;
“but Ah guess Ah aint smaht enough
o expound de Scriptures. Ah almost
stahved to deff tryin’ to explain de
true meanin’ uv de line what says ‘De
Gospel am free.’ Dem fool niggahs
thought dat it meant dat Ah wuzn’t to
git no salary.”
YOUNG IF TENDER
“Casey,” said Pat, “how do yez tell
the age of a tu-u-rkey?”
“Oi can always tell by the teeth,”
said Casey.
“By the teeth!’ exclaimed Pat. “But
a tu-u-rkey has no teeth?”
“No,” admitted Casey, “but Oi
J-.ave.”—London Opinion.
A GOOD DESCRIPTION
“What does a shad consist of any
how?” asked the western man who had
never eaten that kind of fish.
“Well,” replied the Eastern expert,
“it is mostly backbone, wishbone, fun-
nybone, and then some.’
TO THE POINT
“William,” she said, “means good;
James means beloved. I wonder”—a
flush mantled her cheer—“I wonder,”
she softly whispered, “what George
means?”
“George means business, I hope,”
said mother, looking up from the wed
ding announcements in the evening pa
per.
DRY GOODS EXPERT
Kind Stranger—“How old is your
baby brother, little girl?”
Little Girl—“He’s a this year’s
model!”■—Chicago News.
November, 1916
OF COURSE SHE KNEW
“How useless you girls today are,”
hmented the old lady to her grand
daughter. “Why, I actually don’t be-
ieve you know what needles are for.”
“How absurd you are, grandma!”
3 retested the girl. “Of course I know
what needles are for. They’re to make
the talking machine play.”
PRACICE MAKES PERFECT
“Pardon me for a moment, please,”
said the dentist to the victim, “but be
fore beginning this work I must have
my drill.”
“Good heavens, man!” exclaimed the
patient irritably. “Can’t you pull a
tooth without a rehearsal?”
Doctor Knew
“My doctor told me I would have to
quit eating ko much meat.”
“Did you laugh him to scorn?”
“I did at first; but when he sent in
his bill, 1 found he was right.”—Wash
ington Star.'
KNEW ALL ABOUT THEM
Applicant—“No, ma’am, I could noi
work where there’s children.”
Madam—“But we advertised for a
girl that understood children.”
Applicant—“Oh, I understand ’em.
ma’am. That’s why I wouldn’t work
where they are.”
18
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BOTH PHONES
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