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est Wit and Humor by Famous Artists lor Young and Old
aXIKfllCAIV-JOnitWATeRXaMIffCR.
BRAGGO THE MONK.
Copyright. 1*07. b; Amsrlcsn Journal-Exaxniosr.
ON THE SIDE.
By Wex Jones.
<twDMIRAL COGIILAN placed a horae-
f-fl ahoe on the keel of the Veatal,
J I doubtless as a delicate compliment
to the Horse Marines.
German artillerymen hare been practis
ing firing at balloon* of which several
were “sunk." For a time the ••multie'* had
hopes that In the air they could do as
(hey please—no speed limit* no anything
to stop them. Hut now a quite common sol
dier with a gun cau stop the gassiest bal
loon that ever floated In the clouds. And
there Isn't a perfectly safe and fashionable
way to elope- The auto Is hopelessly
e n<se. and nobody, not even a Io\er. can
e Insensible to the menace of bullets at
a mile above the ground.
THE MUSE AND THE MAN.
A pnetet» hag gued for divorce because
her htmhnnd Inuffha at her tenet.
YY7 HEN Smith came to breakfast his wife
YV would recite •
A poem of passion red hot,
And Smith would protest that her verses
were warm,
But her coffee and biscuits were not.
YV7 AS there ever a meter,** said she,
YY "that was sweeter
Thsn mine in The Loveliest Lass'>**
And Smith would remark. "You don't write
in the dark.
By the meter that measures the gas."
A ND when she bestowed on Her husband
an oda
To Penn, the Original Quaker,"
He'd say, with a sneer, "That doesn't come
near
To what's owed to the butcher and
baker."
/^H. Smith was a brute that the muse
^ couldn't suit—
When listen ing^ to "Spring and Its
Meaning."
He'd say, "This here Spring doesn't gain me
a thing—
Why don't you go in for Spring clean*
ing?"
T HE churl was ao rash as to say corned
beef hash
With a poached egg placed lightly !
upon it
Would tickle him stronger and stay with him
longer
Than an epic or lyric or sonnet.
S O die poet's recourse was to get a divorce.
To spend all of her time on her book;
And Smith, who was left of his Sappho be
reft?
Oh. he smilingly married a cook.
A DUKE’S DIARY.
MONDAY — Met a beautiful American
glH Jo-flny.
$30,006,650.*
love with her.
WEDNESDAY—Made love to Ethel. I
adore her. How I admire the free and
frank wnya of the American girl, her de
lightful breexlne**!
THURSDAY—Proponed to Mr. Scrapple.!
Told me to aee Ethel. Found a.rude young j
business man with her.
THE GENTLE SEX—By T. E. Rowers,
•an-Joumal-Eximlner
7T
VUE
. heard You ,
WERE SICK SO l
Just came over
To CHEEK Too UP.
How pale You look
r Airs Jones
Failihc awfu
SHE CHANCED
DOCTORS FRIMY .
Poor THIN q THERE!
NOT MUCH HOPE
. FOR HER NOW
i—^
Miss Browns
Funeral is se
FOR SATURDAY,
HER SYMPTOMS
WERE ALMOST
THE SAME asYoi
THEY Put foorA
SARAH WHEEZE 1N A
BOX LASJWEEK,
I knew all alohc
SHE WOtiLD NEWER }
S.QET WELL /
(I PASSED BY DIE
I CEMETERYToOA'
And the Flowers
ON THE Q RAVES
looked lovely
f WELL I MUST DE
CoiNq now, i hope
My visit has done
YooCood, I will Run
OVER AND CHEERUP
MRssmith.so.tataJ ,
\J3VSR THE RIVER /
Comforting a Sick Friend.
Encore Demanded.
A yonng man,” aaid Mina Thomas, of
‘presented himself for hla
be hern for n settlement of $16.000.000,. . .. .
She aaid “Nit.” Horribly crude ways these 1 eltn,,n • t,on, • tnd fnne<1 l*noralnlonsly. To
American girls have. I hla family, on fire to hear how he made
SATURDAY — Announcement of Mias, ouf i,e wired:
^ir^'''iKn r ;?r^O ,h wV,h T rCiU: " •“.‘ion. .pl.nOld. Prof-on, «-
pie. He an id, "Ethel runs her own fuoe-1 thnalaatlc. They wlah for a second In
rnl.” Itnh! i October.’ "—Indianapolis Nows.
Leaves and Men.
You know the flne picture In Homer of
the dead leaves wblcb fall to make a place
for the young buds. It la as true of men
at of trees: we havo our time and paaa
away. Rebind our vanished youth germi
nates the youth of others. Our children’s
destiny ought not to be dulled by what
there haa been In ours.—Revue dea Deux
Moudes.
An Even Affair.
A Missouri lawyer tells of an aseanlc
and battery caso that waa recently tried
lu .1 Kans.-i* City court.
To the first witness called the presid
ing magistrate put this question: "Why
did you not go to the aid of the defendant
when the fl«ht occurred?"
•‘Becanae," answered the witness with .1
smile, "| didn’t know which one of them
was going to l>e the defendant."—Detroit
Fres Ureas.
Practical Men.
By JAMES J. MONTAGUE.
A RASCALLY rogue w»» Captain Kidd, a uofully wicked codger.
Who flew to the breeze on the rolling teat the terrible Jolly Roger.
1 Red blood he’d quaff,
With a hideous laugh,
When a treasure ship he sank.
And he’d slyly smile and wink the while his victims walked the plank. '
But always a lucrative trade he ran,
For Captain Kidd was a practical man.
O H, Jesse James in the early days .was a fierce and ferocious bandit!
He went for your gold with a strangle hold and always managed to
land it.
No sentiment
Could make a dent
On the heart of this soulless thug.
And he’d slip up by stealth on a person of wealth whom he presently
purposed to plug.
In these practical days he d be right in the van.
For Jesse James was a practical man,
ILL TWEED was a gent of a different bent, who never was luiowrf to
B 1
shoot;
But he spelled Success with a capital "S” and was always there with the loot.
He loved to mix
In politics
Of a highly practical kind.
And the graft that he got was the cash on the spot, which suited his prac
tical mind.
He founded the get-rich-sudden plan, .
For old Bill Tweed was a practical man.
A XD so, little children, if you would succeed in the struggle for
*1 wealth and fame
Let sentiment sleep in your bosoms and keep both eyes on the prac- j
tical game.
Remember the aims of the amiable James, and the feats,of the mar
vellous Kidd,
And think of the greed of the practical Tweed, and the practical
things that he did.
If you'll just bear in mind noble lives of this kind, and study their
•ways note and then.
It may be Jliat you will win name and fame, too, and grow into
practical men.
MR. El. Z. MARK DELIVERS UR THE BOND MONEY.
Copyright. 1907, br Amrrlrsn-Joimiat-Examtnrr.
timam
1. STRANGER—Mr. Mark, I'm the 8herlfT.
You went on the three-hundred-dollar ball
bond of your gardener In that caao of aa-
■ault and battery. The ease la now ready
to bo tried, and I havo hunted high and low
for the aforesaid gardener, and can't find
him. He hat tklpptd.the town.
2. STRANGER—So 1 havo come to de
mand you to deliver either the person or
the amount-of ball.
MR. E. Z.—This la remarkable. Thera
must be aomt mistake. Will you kindly
como with me and I will aaalat you In mak
ing another search. I am aure I can find
him.
3. MR. E. Z. (after an hour's fruitless
■earch)—Well, I guest ho HAS skipped out.
The station master oaya ho taw him take
the train for the city two hours ago. Here It
the three hundred dollare ball, Mr. Sheriff.
STRANGER—And here are your neces-
■ary receipt* and papers. Oh, don't worry;
thle thing happens every day.
•SV^ovlwvic-
4. MRS. E. Z. (on her return)—What do
you mean? John, the gardener, haa jumped
hla ball? He has done nothing of the kind.
I sent him up to the city on an errand threo
hours ago. Anyhow, that case doesn't come
up until to-morrow. YES, here he comes
now.. E. Z., you've been done good end
brown THIS time, sure. Thstwasno Sheriff.
Same Thing.
A irseher bed a Ttry dull I'uptl whom
be found eitrrmeljr difficult to lustroct In
the loiters of tbo ilpbob't.
“This I, letter A." espletnej the teacher
for the teotb time, es be wrot*. It down on
the blsekbosrd. “And tbl» letter B." b-
west on putties down the errond letter of
the alphabet. “Sow, my Imj." be began,
sludly and eacounslssly. o. be turned to
tbs otopld boy, “let me »,*• if you -’an re
member them. What I. tblet pointing
the Initial lettsr of the al|>L
i.“ came the elo«f r-apoue t...
scholar. "And tblaf .pi •
teacher. Indication letter It
alone," returned the pupt! I.
• tuptd tare lighting up with
tie saa .|ulck reply.—ituhrnj.n;
■lone." rel
atupld far.
L tie saa >iu
*
Latter
u the druse
ituiied the
’Let >r
• i.intly. id.
pleasure at
Only Two Chop*.
Recently n lady better versed In the
realmg of philosophy than in kitchen lore
accompanied a friend on a marketing ex-
lsedition. M!m Uh. D. expressed her
amassment when the butcher gave the
price of lamb chops m 23 ,-cnta a poaud
"Why." ska Insisted. "I ahoufd think
Icho.na would very expensive, since each
animal baa only two."—Harper’s.
Where They Counted.
A aqutre was examining s man on* bit
talent* for the poaltlou of gamekeeper
At laat be asked bow Uat would teb an
>!d bird from another of ater blrtb.
"Hr tfc* teeth f"
"Rut (.4*1 ridges have no teeth."
"I lm\U ** Judge.
When Antoinette Is on the Job.
Copyrlg&i. 190?, by Amcrlc«n-Jouni*l-Eismit>«r.
1. AXTUIXKTTK Mamma said I must keep stir
ring this custard • » It wouldn’t bum. I do wl»b
matiimt wouldn't go out and leave me to do the
looking' oh. there goes the doorbell! I wonder
* yon do?
I've been In the kitchen gening
dinner. Mamma I* out chopping and I'm doing the
housework. Mamma aaya I’m gettiug to be an ex
pert housekeeper.
2. ANTUIXKITH Why, llarrr! |io
right in. I've been In the kitchen getting
Mi
ute girl* Just hate to do
. _ like that.
HARRY—I like to ace a girl who help* her
mother, instead of thinking of nothing but dress.
I think—. (iracious! ‘Where dqys that smoke
come from?
4. ANTOINETTE—Ob, dear! Ob. dear! The
custard is scorched, and mamma wiU be *> angry!
11 AHil\--Don't cry, Antoinette! It was all my
fault. I shouldn’t have Interrupted you while you
were working.
Woman** Way.
Ready to Be Banker.
Hi* Idea. Black Snow. A Young Mountain.
He—Oh please. Mile. Jeanne, do not call Investigation vt "black” snow, which The Kentish fat boy. Charter Law Watts," It Is a rare woman who ean have a He (about 11:30 d m 1—1 do wish 1 had
•, H . \*r Dtiraud. fell In Uartnthta. writes our Vienna corre- of WoodcUun h. has just celebrated hla six- headache from eatin* mke an .
she (coyly 1 -Oh. but our acquaintance Is apondent. showed that It was fujl of tiny teenth birthday. During the past year be L ' w n r , 10 afternoon money enough to travel. She (at fling a
vt abort Why should I not call you that? black six-legged Insect* ("scow fleas"), ha* Increased hi *l*r. aud he now weigh* T*™? * ,r I D * f *‘* l®pr*sslon that , aw0 ,_\i 4r 1 not lend von rour car faraf-
••Weil chiefly l»ecaas* my name la Du- well known In the Alpiuc district*.—Londou 373 pounds. On hla fifteenth birthday he ah* acquired it in Slaving for her husband. y f a lend yon your car
^ont/’-Noa Loialra. Dally Mall. weighed 330 pounds.-London Dally Mali. — Atchison tilobe. *—
- Boston Transcript.