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Best Wit and Humor by Famous Artists tor Young and Old
" COPXBIQHL iyOT. Hy AMERICANwJOt7RlfAIg.*XAUlJt*a.
ON THE SIDE.
By WEX JONES.
C HB Pnlajtnes bar* floallv been
smnabod. So. gentle reader, not
mosquitoes. )o*t t'rown men.
A Presidential Diary of 1927.
MONDAt—Most 4neces«ful- rear of the
Baby Department itnee Ita foundation In
1007. Department baa taken 4,1»T.80<1
bablea from their motbera and la retrlnr
hem under glass and my anperrlalon. Went
orer them to-day and weeded out 8.674,-
873 for eutbanaala. There won't be a
wcakllna In the rising generation.
TUESDAY—Set aalde the Btetee of Sew
Hampshire. California and Manitoba aa for.
eat and fame reaerree. Qrl*alien threat
ened with eitlnctlon and mnet be proteeted
or there will be nothin* left to ehoot.
WEDKESDAT—Bureau for ImproTln*
Life on the farm programing rapidly.
Beery farmer moat report dally at Dletrlot
Halt of Mirth at 7 p. m. to bear one of my
•aldreoaee on the phonograph. Think of ea.
tabllahlng almllar boreao for promoting the
bapplneaa of elty eotere.
THCR8DAT—Issued reeteed rulee for the
hull ring, which 1 think a better arena than
the gridiron for developing oltlnenablp.
FBIDAT—Denounced the author of the
“Crutae of the Cachalot" aa aa unqualified
faker. Whalen do not apont) oratore do.
fierce battle artth feroctooe blue Jay In
nildernaaa eurroundln* White Hunting
Lodge. I won.
BATCRDAT—Beat the Eanatbar Amhaa-
aador hurling the dat Iron. Got him eight
time*, while he never touched me. Ho la
a eplendld apeclmen of the modern diplo
mat. Wrote a note directing the Superin
tendent of Battroada to change the termi
nate of the Central Paclllo from Bouton
and Ben Diego to Winnipeg and Meglco.
Thla will make the map more aymraetrlcat,
at we have no etratght np and down reada.
Awarded medale to four men who had
worked three weeke on the Panama Canal.
Approved deelgn for campaign button with
tlogan ‘fourteen to the family."
"Animal Ignoramna" appeara to have
"nature faker" beaten on points.
The Financier.
On leaving ochool Rudolf Caahboy began
at the foot of the ladder by accepting a
poeltioa ae office hoy with the firm of Clay
A Mudde.
Rudoira attention to hla dntlee made him
a favorite with the heade of the firm, and
many a little preeent, each aa a touring car
or a yacht, ho received for eome eatra work
like taking hla feet olt the table when a
lady might wlah to get by.
"Wo were lucky yesterday. Rudolf” said
Mr Mudde one day. "We made half a
million when we gold Pacific Airship.
"Oh. Mr. Mudde," laid Rudolf shyly ac.
ceptlng the tS0.ooi check pressed own him
by hie uniting employer ."you should have
held on until to-day. Ihat'i what I did.
and I’m »8,#00.000 to the good. It'a not
much, Mr. Mudde, but, then, I'm only a
*"" l ' , *redttaMe.
patting
“I don't wont to bo called the ten-mUllon-
dollar baby: I'm Jo*t a kid," aaye • ten-
rear old heir. Great chance for the song
•niter*.
The Dictionary of Misinforma
tion.
BATHING SUIT—Very Mttta
BUNGALOW—A charming homo to
road about and plan.
When le John Jeremiah Snow!
B e'e gone to live In a butii
ere cornea John Jeremiah
diking. "Who'll buy a bunpni
—Honor of Innocence.
CIDER—Liquid weakness.
HORSE—Orto. _ , .
MOON—A rafulgant ort> aeen In the
nkiee and |
Be# the —... .
J?aW?S^—A? > VoSale«l!ar 0 that doesn't
k ?:<X b X~n Wetere.—P. *.
PEACE—War with the flree out
PLOT—The atory of a novel
A levee B.
A ta'klllni la a motor accident
C Serenpon fall* la love with B
It end C are married.—A np horcl
PUN—A Sprained wort.
BAIL—A flaw aurroundad by ateel
Mudde,
Indeed." laid Ur.
If on the head.
Continued.)
npnloie.
I Snow-
mi! Wtof"
"Say. I gotta couple good tlpe for yen."
ri&MUh&GR
Hanning Dry.* /Md.
Edna Uay itjt ebe wilt begin to bake
ptes. It will take bt» a longer time to
get a certain call.
STEEL
TRUE AS STEEL wa* the laying in the
day* when the maker* were true,
And rimed and honeit their purpoie in
whatever their hendi found lo dot
But now the usurper dollar hai conquered
the common weal.
Ai false as their leaden lifebuoy* is the
treacherous servant, steel.
What recks the sleek director, so long as Ik
That^ d»»a*te? and death are sold with the
Aawpitted steel that he sell*.
Why should he care, he argues, since he
tacks not for frequent sales.
That • broken reed ia surer than one of his
rotten rail*—
So the flying trein reel* over And read
ing. with unctuous nod.
The smug director murmurs, “Ah well! Twas
the will of God.”
Ghosts?—and the echoes of cries from that
horrible rending crash?—
Pooh l Ghosts don't trouble the soul that is
proofed with a coating of cash.
TRUE AS STEEL was the saying in the
days of the true-hearted men—
Away with the faking and shamming and let
it he true again.
He Drew the Line.
Th!« tale relates bow a hlahop, accosted
In Fifth avenue by a neat hut hunirry
atrnnger. derived profit from the enconnfer
The bishop, so rnna the ynrn. took the
neely one to a hotel and shared a gnr-
geoua dinner with b!n». yet. having left his
episcopal wnttet tu the pocket of a dlf-
fer-nt epfecopel jacket, suddenly raced the
emturraaement of not poaaeMJng the where
withal to pay up. “Never mind.” ex.
claimed hla guest. “I have enjoyed dfnln*
with you. nnd I shall he charmed to
shoulder the cost. Permit me.” Whereupon
the stranger paid for two. Thla worried
the prelate, who Insisted. **Jnst let me call
a cab. and we’ll ran np to my hotel, where
I shall have the pleasure of relmhnrstn*
you." Iiut the stranger met the siukm.
tfon with, •■goo her*-, old man! You've
Muck me for a bully p-wvj dinner, but
banged If I'm going to let you atlck we
tor cab fart.’”—Boston Tracscrljpt.
Now, What D’ye Think of That?
Copyright, 1907. by Amerfean-Joaretl-Etamlnef.
"Don't tell me you are married, air!"
8he cried Impulsively.
He thought a while, then forced a am lie; "How do you like my hat?" she asked.
“All right, 1 won’t,’* said he. “1 want the truth from you.”
“Oh no,” said he evasively,
“You only think you do.* 1
Mr. E. Z. Mark Prepares a Speech.
Copyright. IDOT, by Amerlctn-Joumil-Extalnsr.
1. STiiANGEIt—Mr. Mark, s number of > our
tending citizens are giving a banquet this evening
to the Duke de Pazasa, the famous explorer. It
ia our Intention fo present to him a magnifi
cent solid silver punch bowl, and I have been
dalegated to ask you to make tbo presentation
speech.
R. Z. MARK—I aball be proud to do to. How
much are the tickets for the banquet?
bowl wa aha 11 be pit
E. Z. MARK—Of course, I with’ to contribute.
Here is fifty dollars.
3. h. Z. MARK—“And, In conclusion, oa behalf
of the citizens of this great and glorious com
monwealth, I have the honor to tender our dis
tinguished guest, ns n token of our esteem, this
sliver punch bowl. May his future bo as bright
ns Its polished surface." How’s that for a
speech. Mary?
4. HOTEL MANAGER—What’s that? A ban-
uuat to the Duke de Pazasa? There’s no banquet
here to-night, sir. The Duke left tor the West
two weeks n«o. I’m afraid somo one has beeu
When Antoinette Is on the Job.
I. ANTOINETTE-Now, mamma, yon sit there
and entertain Harry while I wait on tba table.
Yon see, Harry, oar servant girl has left us,
and I don’t want mamma to do all tho work.
You’ll excuse me, won’t yon?
2. HARRY—It must be a great comfort to yon
to hare a daughter who la to willing to help you
about the bouse.
ANTOINBTTE'8 MOTHER—Yes, Indeed! An
toinette has always been fond of housework. She
■area me a great many steps.
3. HARRY—Wow! nelp! Great Caesar’s ghost.
I’m scalded!
ANTOINETTE’S MOTIIER-Oh, Antoinette! what
have you done?
4. HARRY—Don’t cry, Antoinette. It didn’t hurt
much. I was only startled for the moment.
ANTOINETTE—Boo-hool It Isn’t that. I know
tho soup wasn’t hot enough to scald you. I’m
crying because you were ao angry that you almost
swore. Roo-boo!
The Nautical Nature Faker
By WEX JONES.
i 7'T'IVAS the bosun’s mote whe
A very sedate
Upended a glass of rum,
And proceeded to slate what 1 now
relate •
In a manner despondent and
glum.
I SEE by the paper* (iay* he) that
the capers
Of the tea «erpent’» now under
way—
Hi* head's like a eat'*; hi* tail'* like
a rat’s;
Hi* whisker* are purple, they My .
There's trees on his back; his pajamas’
are slack;
His fins are enamelled in blue;
His eyes are pea-green, ears ultra-
marine.
With horns like the wild caribou.
T HIS i* how them there swabs
describes of his nobs,
Whose area’s several acres;
And it'a certain (says he) as certain
can be
They’re simply unqualified fakers.
Now, the serpehti I seen have always
been green.
With splashes of bootiful pink.
And every sharp fin wa* of white,
shining tin,
While the whiskers wa* vi’let, l
Jiink;
They worked with a treadle the way
that you pedal
A fast-running sewing machine.
While their elegant ear* wa* bedimmed
with salt tear*
Because the bad shark* was to mean.
And it’* easy to see that these fellows
(says he)
Are nautical nature fakers.
For no serpent has been, of the thou-
sands I seen.
Less in size than a plum thousand
acre*.
frjr> IVAS my constant fate that
* the bosun’s mate
Should ever be gloomy and glum.
He muttered ,r A faket” then
"Thankee, I’ll take—
You’re so pressin’—a tot o’ rum."
Tho Farmyard Burbank.
Csllforola. which produce* the pesch po-
t*to and the strawberry prune, now glres
to the world tho parrot chicken. Tble In
telligent bird, tho dispatches say, lays an
egg and then rut&et to the termer crying,
“Look In the nest end see vrbet you'll
find." This Is a very naeful accomplish-
ment. althongh there win be eome heart-
rending ecenee when preparations are being
made tor a chicken dinner. On the same
farm Is a parrot dock, which wlU become
Indispensable to fishermen. It iwlma
around until It spots e flab and then cells
out to the man on the bank or In the
boat, 'There's a fine pickerel three Inches
to my left." The parrot potato ta also s
great convenience, ss It cells oat In • load
tone from the pot, "I gnese I am boiled
enough now.” But the grseteat achieve
ment ot the ’’Farmyard Burbank," aa he la
callsd. Is ths snail horss. This naeful ani
mal haa a portable etibls on Its back, and
naves the farmer • lot of expense. It 1s
said that ths snail horse will he tried
against somo sf ths horsss running on tb*
Long Islind tracks.
Pittsburg will not buy tho painting ot
The Bath." It is naplessant to bs con
stantly reminded of a duty.
"Do not marry,” ssya a University of
Washington professor, "until prices go
down.” But tors Is always s bargain.
Ths rscovety of a vanity box valued it
*15,000 leads on* to expect each ads as
these:
LOST—Pair of shots, heels set with dia
monds; $10,000 reward and no questions
asked,
REWARD—A reward of 100,000 will he
paid for ths return of * collar bnttoo lost
on Fifth avenno, between a and 8 a. m.
yesterday.
FOUND—Powder poff, apparently worth
about $70,000. Owner can have property
on moiling postage.
LOST—Shot lace valued at $100,000, but
more prleed oa account ot emulations.
Suitable reward If returned on-knotted.
A Yarn Like the Nancy Bell’s-
Tho year wi» nineteen fifty-one*
An old man came to Washington.
“Pleas? tell me where the Senate i»,"
He asked a man. who said, “Gee whiz I
I ate the Senate yean ago.
And I'm the Senate now, you know."
“Then tell me, friend," aaid that old m»n#
“Where’* Congrenman Smith of Michigan?
“I ate the Houte, a* you must know,
Some umpty-umpty years ago."
"Then." said the graybeard, "who are YOU?*
*Tm these—perchance I miu a few—
CourUth* Mollycoddle* 1
re taru of the Navy, the Fo
the de-
omc*
_ iprem*
the Seo-
\ootbell Coach.
’oute. tht
he Pott C
, the Sup
.... _’er.nl* Champion, the Secretary ot
State. the Bio Stickr
But the old man gently edged away;
’TU hear the rest another day."
A Hopeless Case.
Flattering, but a Knock. One on John Bull.
"Even with flattery," said Mark Twain "Tfce tun never aete on English poeiee-
at a dinner, "you can’t please eome men. I stone,*’ wild en Englishmen proudly,
remember when I wae a reporter In Vlr- "No," replied the Irishman, "the Lord Is
gtnla City there was a. doctor I liked—I had afraid to trust her in the dark."—Ladles’
ped once on Lnke Tahoe with him—and Home Journal.
In an obituary I derided to give him a eard. | —-
wrote: *I)f, Sawyer was called In, and Suburban Joy*.
KftSriteUt .ii'TJ’io,,""; 1 .-aut'ur' r ^*,'”!?' «*">»>* « fO“ r *>«• «"•
tone how, wasu’t plcazcd.*’—Kansas CUy
Star. j "Pond itltea In my cellar."“Lift.
* Foiling the Foe.
"The duel," said a Senator, "Is a thing
I abhor. I believe, though. In manliness
snd pluck, and I hope tbs time will never
come when a conversation such at was
recently overheard in a club will be typical
of American chivalry. A clubman ap
proached a friend and whispered: ’Bludd
threatens to kick me the next time ho sees
me In company. If be ahould come In here
now. what would you advise me to doY
’Sit down,* was the reply."
I got-
Not for His Health.
"Yes, I’m going abroad at once,
ta go."
"Ob. you mustn’t let the doctors scare
you.” •
"I got thla from a lawyer."—Washing-
ton Herald.
What, Indeed?
What ts home without a letter from the
President?—Saturday Evening Post.
t . you m w */***--
collector?” Inquired • fsllow tradesman
•He couldn't fio that to a woman.”
"That'a what 1 thought, so 1 got ooa
and tent Ur round, but abe never cam*
b *"Why notr'
••He married her."—Spars Momsota.
Saved Hi* Temperature.
An old negro living In Carrolton was
taken III recently and callsd In a phyilclnu
of hi* race to prsicrib* tor him. Rut ths
old man did not assm to b* getting toy
better, and finally a whit* physician wai
called. Soon after arriving Dr. 8. felt ths
darky's pulse and examined hla tongiir.
"Did your other doctor take your temper
atureS he asked. “I don't know, .sab."
the paUeot answered feebly, “I haven't
missed anything but my watch aa jet, |itndr.'"lt'1'were ln~hls nl
h®*x- —Argonaut. j, tr0 that stuttered.''—Lift.
Stuttering Money.
from hla’ publisher* for everything h#
'’"Oee!" exclaimed the msldeo with ths
dreamy eyas, waking- from her brown
study. “If 1 were In hit place 14 have