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6A WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 19, 2007 What it was, was a fool on It was the five words every father wants to hear from his son. No, not “I hate all Broadway musi cals,” which is equally desirable. Rather, it was: “I want to play football.” I heard it from my five year-old son the other day, and classes in Football 101 immediately commenced. The physical part was relatively easy. We went out in the yard and worked on the basics, although he seemed much more interested in perfect ing his touchdown dance than learning any block ing techniques, of which I know nothing about any- Len Robbins Columnist airpub@planttel.net way. Teaching him the rules and terminol ogy of the game was, well, not so easy. I discovered quickly that, to a 5-year-old, Xs and Os on a chalkboard look just like ... Xs and Os on a chalkboard. He couldn’t real ly imagine them being players. So, thinking myself clever, I got out some old football cards and placed them on the coffee table. I then put the players in position accord ing to their card - I put Lyle Alzado at one defensive end, Joe Klecko at the other. I had To cuss This is the kind of goody-two-shoes friends I have: Whenever Karen, Debbie or Susan has a story to tell that involves someone cussing, they will not repeat the word. They spell it out. Unless it’s really bad and then jPWHHF % Ronda Rich Columnist they will only give me the first letter of the word. Thank goodness that the really bad words all begin with different letters or I would never figure out what was going on. It is a painfully long pro cess, this retelling of stories with spelling that is always accented with wide-eyed looks that silently ask, “Can you believe anyone would talk such a way?” Stevie, on the other hand, won’t even spell them. She will say, “He used ugly words. Qet Darrell to tell you what he said.” Darrell, her husband, will, at least, spell them out for me. Nicole, a diligent Bible studier, was telling me a story the other day. “She told him to get off his hmmm,” she grunted in substitution of the right word. • I am growing weary and downtrodden by all these saints in my life. “You can say it,” I nonchalantly informed her. “It’s in the Bible.” She eyed me warily. “It is?” “Behold, thy king cometh unto thee, meek and sitting upon an ass. Matthew 21:5.” Obviously, I had prepared for such a day of reckoning. She shrugged. Bible or not, she wasn’t using it. I, on the other hand, have no such compunction against salty language. (There again, the Bible tells us not to lose our saltiness). If the story needs it, when I tell it, I use it. I don’t create the dialogue, I just recreate the scene. It is my duty as a storyteller to accurately recapture the tale. Remember, too, that I spent 10 years on the NASCAR circuit. I’ve heard language that would make a sinner blush. One night our acting teacher handed Susan and me scripts for a scene she wanted us to do together. She always gives Susan the best part because she thinks she’s sooooo talented. Lo and behold, Susan’s part had a cuss word that was used three times. Not one of the really bad ones but in Susan’s world, they’re all bad. The teacher know ing that Susan is a Sunday School teacher told her that she didn’t have to say the word. Susan, ghostly pale, nodded quietly. “And don’t spell ‘em, either,” I commanded loudly. We performed the scene and quite remarkably and 'I discovered quickly that, to a 5-year-old, Xs and Os on a chalkboard look just like... Xs and Os on a chalkboard. He couldn't really imagine them being players." Ron Jaworski at quarterback and Bubba Bean at tailback and so on, 11 on each side, the offense lined up in the I-formation. “See, you have 11 on each side of the line of scrimmage,” I said as we surveyed our mini-field in the living room. “There are 11 on offense and 11 on defense.” “What’s a line of scribblage? I don’t see a line,” my son said, leaning over the imagi nary playing field, looking for a line of some sort. “Well, it’s not a real line. It’s sort of an invisible plane,” I said. “A plane that’s invisible?!! On the football field?!!” or just spell it out -that's the question "I decided right then and there that cussing is liberating. You should have seen what it did for Susan. When she released her soul from 40 years of repression, it was an amazing transformation. She was strong, bold and completely in charge." unexpectedly, the cuss word sprang from the saint’s lips. Firmly. Emphatically. My mouth fell open. I blinked hard. I was quite sure that the fires of hell had just fro zen. A few sentences later, the word again leapt enthu siastically from where ever it had been embedded for all these years. Never had Continues ... HUGE DISCOUNTS STOREWIDE! I&OUN^b BUILDING^ MATERIALS! PMINATEFIOORING] YUKON GOLD A OAK ■ 19089 ||§f REG. $1.14 ||Hf Jack’s Price | $lO9 - S<J - A- » ri . ' TENNESSEE ] HICKORY I JB9lll 'm REG.. $1.44 Q Mm Jack’s Price $129 ■ sq. ft. £ flf, N . ■ • ft. reg.. flk dA ™ 521 ", VS oami/liioffl, ■PH Jack’s Price 3COLORS jg. f T. . € •MM «B..SM»YO. l. m , SM $ I m Prices Good Thru 9-25-2007 K MVI [ CHECK IT OUT .. . New Merchandise Arriving Weekly WE STOCK A HUGE VARIETY OF ITEMS SUCH AS: • Lumber • Interior Doors • Exterior Doors • Windows • Indoor Carpet • Outdoor Turf Carpet • Vinyl Main Street r I New Perry Hotel | < g ( !g | JyKs Ptomml | I Tollestm | Luwber Company j j „■«. 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Let’s focus on the cards and their positions,” I said, trying to get his mind off an invisible plane. “Hey, look, this guy plays for the Pirates,” he said, picking up the card of the Buccaneers’ Dewey Selmon. “No, don’t touch the cards yet,” I said, seizing it from his hand. “We need to learn the positions.” “Let’s start with offense, this side of the ball,” I said, pointing to the offensive side of the coffee table with my pointer - a broken in-half pool cue. “Here you have your quar terback. He takes the snap from the center and he either throws or hands it off.” “Why do they call him the quarterback?,” he said, very close to picking up John Hannah’s card and messing up the whole offensive line. “Uh, hmm, I don’t really know,” I replied. “That’s just what they call him.” “So, behind the quarterback is the full back, and behind the fullback in the I-for mation is the tailback,” I said, pointing to each with my cue. “Why do they call them that?” “Because, ah, well, I don’t know,” I stam mered. “It doesn’t really matter. Anyway, in get Susan to say what a life time of mishaps had never been able to do. I decided right then and there that cussing is liberat ing. You should have seen what it did for Susan. When she released her soul from 40 years of repression, it was an amazing transformation. She was strong, bold and com pletely in charge. Alas, it ended quickly and the next day she was back to spelling out the ugly words. Sometimes I’ll tell her, “You were much more interesting that night you took up cus sin. Embarrassed over that fleetingly brief transgres sion, she’ll mumble, “That was just a scene I was play ing. Not me.” She broke a nail the other Let Us Mind Your BUSINESS. When it comes to your business accounts, you want to make sure you are getting the most for your money. Let Robins Federal mind your business. We offer a complete suite of business services with representatives dedicated to making sure you get the most for your money. JS3& day. “D-A-R-N!” I heard her selling author of What proclaim. Oh p-l-e-a-se. I Southern Women Know guess some saints are just (That Every Woman Should) never gonna be sinners. and The Town That Came Ronda Rich is the best- A-Courtin’. 1 jBHH There’s nothing quite like walking outside and taking a -—deep breath of fresh, clean air after a tlumderstorm. [_'-—oiHfF * Wouldn i you like to be able to step back inside and e "i°y Mt same fresh air all the time? 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Now, the one in the middle is the center and the ones...” “I know why they call them that,” he said in an interruption of inspiration. “Okay, why?” Pointing to the cards individually, he said, “They call him the quarterback cause he’s got a quarter on his back. They call this man a fool back cause he’s got a fool on his back. And they call this man a tail back because he has a tail coming out of his back.” I chuckled, then said, “no, no, no, that’s not why. The fullback and tailback are run ning backs. They run with the ball. That’s why they call them that. The quarterback, well, he’s, they call him that, see, he’s ... well, that’s something you can look up later. Let’s move to the wide receivers. They line up outside and catch passes thrown by the quarterback.” “I gotta question,” my son offered, brow furrowed, pointing at Bubba Bean’s card. “Can you tackle that man by grabbing his tail?” At that moment, I felt a close kinship with all the coaches in the history of the Atlanta Falcons football franchise. “Yes, son, you can tackle him by grabbing his tail.” iitr.su air ri rh u rs Value Business Checking • No Minimum Balance • No Monthly Service Fee • Free Online Bill Pay • Free VISA® Check Card Business Loans • Competitive Rates • Local Decision Making • Quick Turnaround 52868