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HOUSTON HOME JOURNAL October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month Stop being a statistic, stop the violence Dear Readers, October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. As such, I would like to step away, in this week’s col umn, from dis cussing purely legal matters and discuss a lit tle about domes tic violence. Most “batter ers” are men in heterosexual relationships who abuse their Jim Rockefeller The “Law” man female partners in an attempt to dominate them and feel like they have all the “power” and “con trol.” However, domestic violence also plagues gay relationships and, in fact, the genesis for stopping domestic violence actually started in the gay and lesbian commu nities. Domestic Violence is the largest cause of injury to women - period! How does a leader coach employees? As a leader in your organization, is it your impression that your job is to tell your employees what needs to be done? My expe rience is different from that. I think most employ ees know what Dennis Hooper Leaders Building Leaders should be done. They just need occasional support from the boss. I encourage leaders to become good coaches. Rather than telling employees what to do, coaches ask how they can support their efforts. For some, it’s a hard transition! When I talk about being a coach, most leaders think immediately of an athletic coach. This reinforces the image of someone telling the players what to dq. I offer a different picture. Consider a stage coach like you see in a western movie. That kind of coach takes peo ple from where they are now to where they want to go - a much better perspective for a business coach! Employees want to be suc cessful, but don’t always know how to make that hap pen. So they welcome collab orating with someone they know has their best interests in mind. Coaching involves help ing an employee size up the situation, get clear on the desired outcomes, consider options for getting there, choose the option with the The Perry Area Chamber of Commerce k Presents the J 10™ Annual Fall Challenge & Taste of Perry Thursday, November 1,2007 Clay Shoot at The Gamelands of Henderson Village |\ S4O per/person (round of 25) Jjj j» Golf Scramble *| at Houston Springs Morning Golf Fleet: Registration at Bam & Shot Gun Start at 9am Afternoon Golf Fleet: Registration at Noon & Shot Gun Start at Ipm $75 per/person OR S3OO per team (4 members) Taste of perry at Houston Springs Fairway Ridge Clubhouse | Admission: sl2 in advance sls at the door Contact Maggie Jenkins for more information K‘ (478)987-1234 \ The core of domestic violence are issues of power, control, and self esteem. Batterers lack self-esteem, typically from growing up in vio lent families or ones riddled with addiction. Because of self-loathing, the Batterer’s greatest fear is that his partner will leave him. The Batterer wears down his partner’s self-esteem with criticisms of intel ligence, weight, religion, spending habits, choice of friends, etc. Hence, a Batterer drags his partner down to his level of low self-esteem with psychological abuse and by isolat ing the victim from her family and friends. Victims of domestic violence are often unrecognizable after years of cycling through the mind-games played by their Batterer. These relationships start out with the Victim believing she has found her “Prince Charming.” It is not uncommon for someone trapped in a violent relationship to share the same type of violent or addictive background as her Batterer. Thus, greatest probability of suc cess, or prepare to execute the necessary action. Size up the situation. We all see the world through our own filters and experi ences. Things are not always as they seem. Your employee may want your perspective on what happened that created the circumstances that now exist. Get clear on the desired outcomes. Any action which might be taken has both short-term and long term outcomes. The ten dency we all have is to go for what will provide imme diate satisfaction, yet there are always long-term effects. Your employee may want your help in determining what long-term relationship and reputation you want to establish. Consider options. There are always multiple ways to do anything. Unfortunately, we often get stuck on the first idea that comes to mind. Experienced individuals jm ■ , * r ' n/| f £n MwnwnM w¥Jmmj9Mu tmUMtrrk. 2056 Eisenhower Pkway • Macon, GA 31206 know that the initial idea isn’t always the best one. When your employee comes to you and says, “What do you think I should do?” avoid the temptation to give an answer. Instead, consider responding, “I’m not sure, but I’ll help you think of some possibilities!” Choose the option with the highest probability of success. Nobody knows “the right thing” for every situation. And since noth ing in this world is guaran teed, we should make our choices based on the most likely results of our actions. That requires an evaluation of probabilities, and collab orative thinking helps when speculating what might happen with each potential action step. Prepare to execute the chosen action. Sometimes the preferred behavior is one the employee has never expe rienced. Offer to role-play the situation, being willing to act out whatever part the employee desires. Maybe the Come see Bobby Jones at Paul Walsh Honda WWW.WALSHHONDA.COM (478) 788-4510 CELL (478) 396-1960 OPINION "These relationships start out with the Victim believing she has found her 'Prince Charming."' the sense of being initially put on a pedestal, and treated like royalty, may fulfill her deepest desires; yet, she may also be inclined to accept violence as a sign of love, as an echo of what she learned growing up. These relationships progress through a “Cycle of Violence” from its fantasy-like beginning to uncontrolled outbursts, as issues of power and control become more prominent. The Batterer moves through stages of griping to a tense stand-off until a “triggering event” (which can be as innocuous as serving him a cold meal) triggers the violence. The violence usually employee prefers to practice the anticipated behaviors, with you being the other per son involved. Or perhaps the employee wants to play the other per son, preferring to see how you would handle whatev er hard questions might be encountered. If you’ve coached a little league baseball team or your child’s soccer team, you’ll find that coaching adults is very different. Coaching chil dren involves a lot of teach ing and giving direction. Coaching adults requires asking questions that stimu late thinking and the assump tion of responsibility. The individual will grow in both awareness and skill level if he or she is generat- 153328 541 S‘> starts when the Batterer feels like he “owns” his partner, after mov ing in together, getting married, pregnancy, or child-birth. After the outburst, the Batterer goes back to being “Prince Charming” again, promising he won’t do it again, telling his partner he only acts this way because he loves her so much; sometimes even falsely implying she was at fault for making him angry. This cycle, then, repeats itself through this progression, over and over again, with each promise to stop being broken by violence. It spins faster and faster, with less time between violent acts, and each time the violence escalates. This cycle is broken when the victim regains her self-esteem and becomes the woman she once was and fulfills the promise of her youth. When she does so, she will leave her Batterer, protect her children, and return to the safety of her family and friends; she will realize that she is not responsible I n 1 1. 1 !Ij ( I 7 Month & 11 Month Choose The Term. Enjoy The Rate. Call, Click or Com for details. M 11 A ’Aiuwwf fWntafcc V fckl. Mimrnwn " ™ 1 <mit< J <if» oftrr Raio m rtf 9/1/0? i L£M>Eft Svh*<v**<• clung* Penalty Un <■«!» withdrawal. SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 29, 2007 ♦ ing the options and making the decisions. You can help by creating an environment of trust and support! Dennis Hooper is a cer tified leadership develop ment coach, helping leaders be more effective in building future leaders. To contact Assessing Your Leadership Skills -SBS/person J.CvJ Robins Federal EDIT UNION (478) 923 3773 (800) 241.2405 for her Batterer’s anger, she has options in life, she has self-worth, and that a life as a perpetual victim is not living. No one need live in a violent household; everyone has options to escape a batterer. Houston County has an excellent Salvation Army Safe House (923-6294), which along with HODAC (953-5675), offers services for battered women. And there is a plethora of information available on in the internet, start ing with the “National Coalition of Domestic Violence Awareness.” Stop being a statistic and Stop the Violence! Local attorney Jim Rockefeller owns the Rockefeller Law Center and is a former Chief Assistant District Attorney for Houston County, and a former Florida Assistant State Attorney. E-mail confidential legal questions to ajr@rockefellerlawcenter.com. Visit www.rockefellerlawcenter.com for past columns and Frequently Asked Questions. Dennis, call 478-988-0237 or e-mail at dhooper2@juno. com. ‘Petunias Lore‘lt Coal! Get Yours At Lewis Farms Nursery F. Dennis Hooper Certified Leadership Development Coach Building leaders and organizations of excellence (478) 988-0237 dhooper2@juno.com 5A 153823 830 Hwy. 26 - Elko (478) 954-1507 5 1253 |