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12 JOKES AND JOKESMITHING HERE are no new jokes. There may be variations of old jokes that for a time deceive us, but in the great system of jociprudence there are only a few— a very few—leading cases. The practi tioners for a long time have only rung changes on the principles enunciated far back in a time whereunto the mem ory of man runneth not. The students T of joke derivations know that all jokes now extant can be traced back to a few original stems just as Greek verbs can be traced to a few original roots. Mr. Robert J. Burdette has said that there are but seven original jokes and that the vast number now doing service can be traced back through numbers of evolutions, adornments, and adjustments to the original seven. Everyone has heard the joke of the servant who ate one leg of a baked goose in the kitchen before serving it to his master. His master upon carving discovered that one leg was missing and immediate ly charged the servant with having eaten it.- The servant denied it and stated the goose had only one leg to begin with and offered to show his master that the remainder of the flock had but one leg each. The master called his bluff and followed him out to the horse lot where all the geese were stand ing around the edge of the icy pond on one foot. The servant triumphantly exclaimed, “See there, didn’t I tell yon they had but one leg?” The mas ter, however, gave a shrill whistle and the geese immediately put down the other foot and ran off. “Ah,” said the servant reproachfully, “you didn’t whistle at the goose on the table.” This joke is really funny and it is deserving of respect. In fact its age entitles it to veneration for it is known, proven and accredited to be one of the seven jokes. It was found first in a book written in the time of Augustus. Now and then we hear a joke or a bit of repartee and never having heard it before, are inclined to think it original with the one who springs it. But the fact is, it had been created perhaps ages before and the latter day user had been fortunate enough to find it and apply it to his needs in a critical mo ment. As an illustration, Alexander H. Stephens, who was a very small man and so thin that one of his contemporaries said that his soul was in a state of indecent exposure, was once conducting a heated argument. His size moved his opponent to threat en to pin Stephens’ ears back and swallow him whole. Stephens retorted that the gentleman would then have more brains in his stomach than he ever had in his head. What Georgian has not heard that repartee and gloried in it? Yet Mr. Stephens read it in Kenilworth and Sir Walter Scott had doubtless found it in some book of still earlier vin tage. Some few years ago Mr. William J. Bryan was speaking in New York City and a man in the gallery persisted in interrupting him with questions. Mr. Bryan would answer and attempt to go ahead with his speech. The man in the gallery, however, kept calling out, “Answer, answer!” Mr. Bryan terminated the matter by saying, “My friend, I have given you an answer—l cannot give you an under standing.” This choice retort is in Charles Read’s Peg Woffington. Mr. Read probably found it in some books that were ancient in his time. But this is no re flection on the wit or wisdom of either Mr. Stephens or Mr. Bryan. No man, however great or wise or witty, is expected to tell a brand new joke. The publication of an absolutely new joke, a joke that would become the origin of a species, would attract world-wide attention. It would probably influence the prices of stocks in the markets of the world. It would not be safe. So the humorists and the newspapers have settled upon the few subjects upon which jokes may legitimately be made. When any thing is said on these subjects, it is ipse facto fun- The Golden Age for September 20, 1906. ny. A mention of a few of the subjects may illus trate the point. There is the mother-in-law subject. A fair sam ple is this one: A man’s mother-in-law died while 'on a visit in a distant city. The undertaker who had charge of the body wired him: “Your mother-in law is dead—shall I pack in ice, embalm, or cre mate?” The answer was prompt: “Do all three.” The Americans are trained to regard slander upon a mother-in-law as funny. An Englishman would not laugh at this joke. But that brings to mind another joke topic. We are given to considering our cousins over the way as slow in catching on to a joke. It is said that Mark Twain about a week after he had delivered a lecture in London was walk ing down a street of that city one morning when an Englishman, convulsed with laughter, rushed up and seized his hand, exclaiming, ‘ 1 Ha! ha! such a good joke, don’t you know?” all the time laugh ing and shaking Mark’s hand. “What joke is that?” was Mark’s answer. “Why, the one you told in your lecture last week. I kept thinking it over and suddenly this morning it was funny to me, and I took the Express to come up to town and tell you about it.” Mark looked at him long and seriously, “Why didn’t you come by freight?” was his reply. “A man named Strange,” said an American to his English friend, “said 'he would put on his tombstone only the words: ‘Here lies an honest law yer.’ And then everybody will say at once, ‘That’s Strange’ ” “Excellent, bah Jove!” responded the Englishman, and carried the story to his club where it was retold as follows: “An—ah—eccentric so licitor directed that they should carve—ah—on his —er—monument, you know, ‘Here lies an honest lawyer,’ and folks said, you know, ‘Ah, how extra ordinary!’ ” Another illustration of the alleged slowness of Englishmen to quite grasp the point is this: An Englishman and an American friend were walking down the street in London on a very slippery winter day. Suddenly the American’s feet flew from under him and he fell upon the pavement. The Englishman assisted him to rise, and asked him how he happened to fall. “Oh,” replied the Amer ican, “notwithstanding!” The Englishman thought it was a bully joke and when he got home told it to his wife and quoted his friend as replying to his inquiry, “Nevertheless,” and was astonished that it didn’t seem funny to her. Boston, if one forms an opinion of it by jokes, considers itself the last word in the way of erudi tion and culture. This is so very true and has been true such a very long time that even the chil dren there are very precocious at an early age. This characteristic of the Boston infants is shown in the following incident: Mrs. Emerson Brown (of Boston): “Baby spoke a sentence this morning, Oscar.” Mr. Emerson Brown: “What was it, dear?” Mrs. Emerson Brown (proudly): “She said, ‘Mother seems to have astigmatism in her left op tic.’ ” There is another story of a Boston child who was asked if she would like a talking doll. Her reply was: “Certainly, if you have one that converses intelligently; I could not abide one that giggled.” It is said that even the birds in Boston are more cultured than any other birds, and as an evidence of this fact, an instance is cited of a parrot who, when asked in the usual formula, “Does Polly want a cracker?” replied with great disdain, “I require no sustenance from you whatever!” Then there are jokes of Philadelphia being such a slow and quiet town. Everyone is familiar with the statement of Mr. Bones in the minstrels that he once had three children—that two are now living and the other one is in Philadelphia. A story is told that a public school teacher asked: “Phil adelphia was settled by the Quakers in 1762. Now, Willie Green, what happened after that?” Willie By A. E. RAMSAUR. Green, who had recently moved there from New York answered: “Nothin’!” On one occasion the Philadelphia Record head-lined a small paragraph: “Caterpillars are crawling.” A New York paper copied the paragraph under the scare-head, “Ac tivity in the Quaker City.” Then there is the Kentucky joke. There are three strings upon which the joke makers can play in evolving a Kentucky joke. They are Colonel, horses and whiskey. This is a sample of the “Colonel” joke: A Ken tuckian, Col. Bangs, was on a ship which was rap idly sinking. All the other passengers were humbly bowed upon their knees or lying flat on their faces on the deck giving their entire attention to earnest prayer for deliverance from what seemed to be cer tain death by drowning. Col. Bangs, however, was standing erect in simple sublimity remarking in a conversational tone: ‘ ‘ Oh, Lord, if you ever mean to do Col. Bangs a favor, now is a good time.” A Kentuckian was present once when some people were discussing the adulteration of the necessities of life. He was moved to contribute as his share of the conversation, “Terrible! Why, I saw a fellah putting watah in whiskey the other day.” A Kentuckian’s opinion of a tetotaler is not very flattering. The following conversation is reported as having occurred between a typical Kentucky col onel and his little boy: Son: “Papa, what is a prohibitionist?” “My son,” solemnly answered the Colonel, “it is a man who drinks water and talks like a blank fool.” Then there is the joke about Chicago. If the newspaper jokes are to be taken as an indication of the real state of affairs, the feminine foot in Chi cago is something immense. A St. Louis girl, upon being told that a certain Chicago acquaintance was in bad health and had “one foot in the grave,” re plied: “She needn’t fear ,she can’t get both of them in. ’ ’ They do say there are a great many divorces among Chicago people. This is a sample of the divorce joke: He (after the introduction): “I feel acquainted with you already, Mrs. Bromley, in fact I may claim to be a distant relative of yours.” She: “Indeed, Mr. Smithers, I was not aware of it.” He: “I find by an item in the papers this morn ing that ray second wife has just married your fourth husband.” There are a vast horde of “Lawyer” jokes going about the world. Lawyers in simple fact are the salt of the earth and everybody knows it, but there are many jokes made touching their character. A typical one of this class is that of the man who upon his death bed sent for a couple of his lawyer friends, and asked one of them to sit on each side of the bed, and when pressed by his family to give a reason for this strange conduct stated that he wished to die as the Savior did—“between two thieves. ’ ’ On one occasion a man was riding along the road in compny with two lawyers, all on horseback, he being in the center. They were having a discussion about a matter which finally waxed warm, and one of the lawyers angrily exclaimed to him: “You are either a fool or a knave, sir.” The retort was quick and to the point, “You are mistaken, I am between the two.” These are a. few typical and time seasoned jokes which have seen service for a number of years and will probably last for generations yet to come. They are good, safe jokes. They bear the union label and are guaranteed to be funny jokes. But there are no new jokes, as I said in the beginning, and this article is not new or original. It has been written numbers and numbers of times before by (Continued on page 13.)