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VOL U/1L TWO
TIUJT-BT.'R NINLTLLN.
WHAT WE THINK OF WHAT WE SEE
We have often deplored the mother-in-law joke.
If we could, we would make it a misdemeanor pun
ishable by fine and imprisonment, for any one
to perpetuate one of those bitter, cynical jokes
about this most worthy, lovable and necessary mem
ber of society. Think how harsh and unjust the
following is: Mother-in-law: ‘ ‘Has the young
man who saved my life yesterday called upon
yon yet?” Son-in-law: “Yes, indeed, he has al
ready made-his apologies.”
A news item in a contemporary says: “Among
the people who greeted the President upon his ar
rival at Oyster Bay, none attracted so much atten
tion as a woman who carried two children in her
arms and led another by the hand.” It does seem
that a woman so capable as that would attract at
tention at any time or place. It naturally induces
speculations as to just how she managed to lead a
third child by the hand -when she had two in het
arms. That is a problem almost as difficult of
satisfactory solution as the one which engaged our
attention some time ago in the matter of carrying
chickens comfortably. If the Society For The Pre
vention Os Carrying Chickens Head Downward
could get in touch with that woman, they could
formulate a system that would settle their trou
bles once and for all.
r, k
Tn this day of political booms and presidential
aspirations, it is a matter of some interest to note
the various ways different men have of going about
it. Secretary Loeb goes out to eat at a lunch
counter, and buys a roll, a piece of p:e and a glass
of milk; total, twenty cents. Mr. William Jen
nings Bryan won’t stand for anything except
“dollar dinners” when he is banqueted; but Sec
retary Taft paid $2.65 for his breakfast in St.
Louis the other day, giving the waiter a tip of
thirty-five cents. How that man can expect either
to reduce his flesh or to be elected President of the
United States, we can’t see. The net result —or
rather to be accurate, the gross result of such
breakfasts is best told in the following incident:
Secretary Taft was, on one occasion, in consul
tation with Senator Penrose, of Pennsylvania. The
■Secretary is gligantic and the Senator is taller and
weighs more than any other member of the Sen
ate.
While these two statesmen were in earnest con
versation an aggressive politician endeavored to
enter the room, but an alert secretary politely in
terfered.
“What are they doing in there!’ asked the polk
tician, inquisitively.
This pertinent question nettled the Secretary, and
he answered tersely.
“Holding a mass meeting, I presume.”
ATLANTA, GA, JUNE 27, 1907.
By A. E. RAMS AUK. Managing Editor.
Mark Twain once defined faith as being “Believ
ing in things we know ain’t so.” The best illus
tration of faith we know of, is buying hair restorer
from a bald-headed barber.
R r.
Among the many kinds of English as she is
spoke, a new style is coming into use, which may
be properly termed “restaurant English.” Here is
an illustration:
Customer—Waitress, what have you ready?
Waitress Roastbeefmuttonlambturnipbeetspota
toesfriedliversteak ’nonions.
Customer —Are they in hash form, as you an
nounce them, or separated?
Apostle Smith, of the Mormon Church, iias re
cently issued a proclamation or manifesto against
the senseless and expensive use of flowers at funer
als. The connection is not entirely clear, but he
at the same time took occasion to say a kind word
in favor of matrimony. He states modestly that he
has five wives and forty-two children, and that he is
happier every day. Well, the five are not so Lad;
the forty-two can be endured, perhaps, but think
of the collateral troubles they entail. The poor
relations; the fathers-in-law and the country cous
ins! He is exactly right; if the Smith in-laws be
gan to shuffle off pretty rapidly, the flower proposi
tion would be a grievous one.
* *
The New York Sun prints a two-column story of
a little difference between two “Afro-Americans”
which was settled in Gay street of that city re
cently. One of the two Afro-Americans was a fe
male and the party of the second part was a gay
deceiver who had trifled with her affections. The
gist of the story is thus told:
Miss Ella Moorehead, she come over from Phil
adelphia Friday night to shed blood. She ain’t
been backward about telling nobody in the neigh
borhood what she come for, neither. She walks up
to the police officer out in front of Mr. O’Connor’s
saloon on Christopher street and Sixth avenue, and
she says to him: “Mister Officer,” she says, “I’m
in hopes you ain't about to immacerate me,”
“What?” he says. “I’m in hopes,” says she,
“you ain't about to immacerate me in prison.”
“What for,” says the policeman, “what for
should I arrest you?” And she hauls off and
draws herself up and she says: “’Cause I’m
about to raise Cain in Gay street,” she says;
“that’s why—and police nor nobody else ain’t
going to stop me!” The officer he just laughs.
“Gwan,” says he. “Gwan! Gay street is used to
it. Help yourself!” The which she most certain
and sure did.
This style of talk and all the circumstances when
carefully considered, incline us to the belief that
there is a close resemblance between New York
Alro-Americans and the plain niggers we have
down this way.
* *
“A Child of ten has spanned the period of the
automobile from when it was a curious foreign
plaything, wh.eh nun stopped to gaze upon, to the
year when there is one for every eight hundred per
sons in (his country, and the industry in America
is valued at seventy mil ion dollars. Youths still
in college were born before the marveling China
man spoke his classic wonqer at the first trolley
car. Less than thirty-five, are men who talk with
each other from Chicago to New York, but were
born before the first telephone. Who will affirm
that anything is impossible? “I calculate,” says
Edison, “that we know one seven-billionth of one
per cent about anything.” Who that shares his
awe of the possible will declare that Bell, who
made the telephone, exaggerates when he says the
day is sure to come when a man can pick up a
church and fly away with it?”
So speaks Collier’s Weekly in a recent editorial.
TVe are impiessed somehow, that it will be a long
lime before men go to picking up churches and
fl\ing away with them. They will fly away with
farms, factories, automobiles, bars and a lot of
things before they will be attracted by the
ch urches.
*
\\ e leai n from a series of articles appearing in
the Century Magazine that Abraham Lincoln’s only
cuss word was “By Jings.” We have been told
that President Roosevelt’s favorite word is “By
George.” Grover Cleveland said once that if ever
there was a time when a man was justified in think
ing and saying a short, sharp, decisive word, it was
when a ho ked trout got off one’s line. But then,
he was inclined to put a pretty high valuation on
the atti actions ol piscatorial pursuits. We en
dorse the following by our old friend, Josh Bil
lings: “Ther is less gained and more time wasted
in swearin’ than any other way we no ov.”
•5 R
It was recently announced that Mrs. Potter
I aimer uik to wed the Earl of Munster. Mrs.
Palmer has denied the report, and gives as one of
the reasons for its being without foundation, that
she does not know the gentleman. That should
make some difference. When a lady has never even
me! a gentleman, she is entitled to some I’t.le
hesitancy before she commits her life to his keep
ing. We have never had much faith in the story
we heard once of the young lady who answered the
t< lephone and took part in the following conversa
tion: “Is that Miss Mary Ann?” “Yes.”
“Well, will you marry me?” “Certainly. Who
are you?”
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