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s i WINNIN G THE
BALEBALL POOL:
Stars and Stripes
An alleged son of an English
Duke is in jail in the East
charged with stealing jewels.
Quite atavic, to be sure, only the
old Duke used to grab real estate '
chiefly.
. . *
Very remarkable woman, that
in West Virginia, whose liver and
heart had changed places. Won
der if she had been reading Ba
con?
* . -
A fool might write a love let
ter, a bigger fool might accept it,
but he is the biggest fool who
doesn't burn it against the time it
will be found and read in court.
* * *
“Profit sharing for employees”
is the latest popular Edison rec
ord.
. - .
Augustus Thomas issues a de
nial that he is dead. That seems
to be authoritative.
* . .
Funston’s Philippine record
shows he doesn't need a brigade
to cross the Rio Grande.
. - -
Eloping bride is afraid father
* will kidnap her. Later on she
is likely to be afraid he won't.
. * *
WAIVING THE FLAG—Anti-
Suffragists decide to let man do
the fighting as well as the voting.
* - *
YVesuvius and Etna are in er
ruption again Iven a volcano
must be going full blast to attract
attention these days.
. . .
One marine from Ohio is re
ported to have killed twenty
Mexicans. Young man evidently
things he is in a war.
Doing Her Best. .
Jones and his motorcycle were
touring the Highlands.
According to the carefuly planned
schedule, their destination on the day
in question was Oban. But, about 4
o'clock in the afternoon, rain began
to fall. a fog seemed to be coming up,
snow appeared to be imminent. In
fact, everything was just as horrid as
it could be. Then came a puncture
That- was too much for Jones.
Schedule or no schedule, he decided
to make for the nearest inn and there
stay the night.
. On retiring to bed he asked the
good lady of the house to call him
early in the morning—on no account
later than 7 o’clock—warning her
that he was a very heavy sleeper
and rather deaf.
But the admonishing served no use
But the admonition served no use
ful purpose. At any rate it was 10:30
the next morning before Jones, over
flowing with caustic comments, pre
pared to go down to breakfast.
Just then he noticed the slip of
paper which the old lady, with a
strict regard for the proprieties, had
pushed under the door.
On it was written:
“Sjr—lt’s quarter past seven. You'd
better get up.”
THE GEORGIAN’S NEWS BRIEFS
Up-to-Date Jokes
A young man happened 40 be pres
ent at & party. One of the company
offered him a glass of whisky. He
declined it with thanks, saying that
he was a teetotaller. Unfortunately
for nimself, he had a very red nose,
not at all like that of one who ab
stained from intoxicating liquor.
Immediately on his refusal of the
drink, an old Scotsman, who was a bit
of a wag, stood up and said:
."Weel‘ man, ve micht tak' doon yer
sign, and let folk ken that ye're tee
total.”
- * *
A well-known actor-manager ob
served recently that an actor should
be modest, and that most actors were.
He went on to say that he once knew
a young player who, at the beginning
of his career, carried modesty almost
too far. This young aspirant inserted
in all the dramatic papers a want ad
vertisement that read:
“Engagement wanted: Small part,
such as dead body or shouts outside,
preferred.”
* * *
Lipper—How are you, Chipper?
Haven't seen you for some time. How
are the family getting on?
Chipper—They're all going to the
dogs, old man.
Lipper—You don’t say so! Why,
what's happened? They were all
right when | saw you last.
Chipper—Yes; but you see there's
a kennel show in town this afternoon.
* * *
The attendant led the visitor into
the violent ward.
“For Heaven's sake!” exclaimed
the stranger, “what are those lunatics
doing with that straw, leaves, flow
ers feathers and ribbons?”
“Our millinery department,” ex
plained the attendant, “This is where
the hat styles originate.”
“William, go up to my room. Back
of my wardrobe there are——"
“Cigars, 9ir?”
“Yes. How did you find them?"
“Oh, very good, indeed, sir!”
- . * -
The lawyer was sitting at his desk
absorbed in the preparation of a brief.
So bent was he on his work that he
did not hear the door as it was
pushed gently open, nor see the curly
head that was thrust into his office.
A little sob attracted his notice, and,
turning, he saw a face that was
streaked with tears and told plainiy
that feelings had been hurt.
“Well, my little man, did you want
to see me?”
“Are you a lawyer?”
“Yes. What do you want?”
“] want"—and there was a resolute
ring in his voice—"l want a divorce
from my papa and mamma.”
* - *
He saw her sitting in the dark cor
ner, and knew that his chance had
come, Noiselessly he stole up behind
her, and almost before she was aware
of his presence he had kissed her.
“How dare you!" she shrieked, de
lighted. “You saucy boy, you!”
“Pardon me,” he bluffed, readily,
stepping out into the light. “I thought
you were my sister.”
“You silly idiot!” she snapped, step
ping into the light beside him. a 1
am!”
- * .
; Harry's mother handed him two quart
ugs.
“"Now,”' she observed, in a menacing
manner, ‘“tak- these to Smith, the gro
cer, and tell im to give you a quart of
the best treacle. And if you hurry up
and are a good boy, your mother will
love you. If not, you'll be so sore to
morrow you'll think you've been in a
railway accident.”’
“But why,” said the lady visitor, when
the boy had departed, '‘did you give him
two jugs—one would have been suffi
cient for the treacle?”’
“Ma’'am,” said the gentle mother, “you
don't know my Harry. If he has two
jugs he won't be able to dip his fin
gers into the treacle.”
i.* * S
'~ Wife (at 3 a. m.)—This is a nice time
for a husband to come home!
Husband (in good humor)—Sh! Mary.
This is not a nice time for a husband
to come. I am surprised at your say
ing such a thing. You ought to set
your husbangd a l.)clt‘er :xample!
The approach of the Oxford and
Cambridge boat race reminds one of
Lord Avebury's story of the small
child at an _East-end school. The
class had been having some instruc
tion in elementary science, such as
that air is composed of oxygen and
nitrogen, and so on. The examiner
put this question:
“What is the air composed of?"”
“Please, sir,” replied the chiid,
“oxygen and cambrigen!”
A doctor said the other day that a
hotel manager once asked him how
many feet of gas the average gas
suicide inhaled.
“l 1 don’t know,” said the doctor,
“Some hundreds, 1 suppose. But why
do you ask that?”
“There was a gas-suicide at my ho
tel last night,” was the reply, “and 1
want to charge up bhis gas to his
executors.”
* * -
“Yes,” sald the fat man with the
gold watch chain spread across his
ample waistcoat, “1 have two and a
half dozen children.”
The other men gasped. Then one
of them said:
“Surely—two and a——"
“Quite sO,” said the fat man. “Two,
and a half-dozen, which is six, makes
eight. Two and a half-dozen.”
* - *
Londoner—How many pears do you
get from this tree every vear?
Countryman—Not one.
Londener—How funny? Why is
that, I wonder?
Countryman—lt's a plum tree,
* * *
Young Candid—Did you ever hear
such horribly discordant, ear-split
ting——
Old Proudfoot—Sir-r-r! That's
my eldest daughter, and——
Young Candid—l repeat, sir, such
ear-splitting chatter as the idiots be
hind us are making. Why, [ can't
hear a word of this beautiful song.”
. * .
“Eh,” said Sandy to the minister,
“yon was a powerful deescourse on
‘Thrift’ ye preached last Sawbath!”
“Ah’'m glad ye were able to profit,”
said the minister,
“Profit! Why, mon, I would have
pit my saxpence into the plate
wi'out a thought if it had not been
for your providential words; they
saved me fourpence there and then!”
* * -
A stingy angler was fishing on a
Scottish loch on a drenching day. He
had been consoling himself from his
flask and forgetting his gillie. Pres
ently he asked the gillie if there was
a dry place in the boat on which to
strike a match,
“You might try my throat,” said
the gillie; “it's dry enough.”
* * -
“You must admit,” said a red-nosed
vagabond to a temperance lecturer—
“you must admit that alcohol is good
for one thing at least, and that is to
clean silver?”
“Yes,” retorted the lecturer, “and it
is well known that alcohol has clean
ed all the silver out of your pockets.”
Bv TAD
Tabloid Tales
His Only Want.
A salesman was recently advised
by a brother ambassador of com
merce to call on a certain tradesman
with whom he had no account. He
took the hint, called on the man, and
was received most genially.
“May I show you my samples?" in
quired the salesman.
The tradesman had no objection,
and from an insignificant-looking bag
the traveler produced quite a surpris
ing quantity of specimen goods.
“Well,” said the affable shopkeep
er, when the bag was at last emp
tied, “there’s only one thing 1 want
to-day.”
*“Thank you, Mr. ————," remarked
the salesman, delighted at opening a
new account; “and what is that?”
“Why,” was the reply, “I 1 want to
see how you're going to get all those
samples into that little bag again!”
Wasn't Used Then.
A small boy who was si®wig next
to a very haughty lady in a crowded
car Kept snifting in a most «.noying
manner. At last the lady coulyl bear
it no longer, and turned to the lad,
“Boy, have you got a handker
chief?” she demanded.
The small boy looked at her for a
few seconds, and then, in a dignified
tone, came the answer:
“Yes, 1 'ave, but 1 don't lend it to
strangers.”
He Took the House.
Citiman (to house agent)—l
thought you sald there was a charm
ing view from the front windows?
W hy, there are only houses to be seen,
House Agent—So there is a charm
ing view, sir. In the house opposite
lives the most beautiful widow you
ever clapped eyes on, and she's al
ways at the window.
How He Wanted It. .
“1 beg pardon,” said the reporter,
“but are you Mr. Spudde, the potato
king?"
« “Yes, but I don't like that term,”
replied the magnate, testily. *oil
kings and cattle kings and the like
are so common, Call me a potatons
tate.
No Doubt.
She—How do you account, Mr,
Simple, for the publishers always re
fusing your articles?
Mr. Simple—Weally, 1 haven't—er
—th ghost of an ideah.
She—Ah! Perhaps that is the rea
son.
He Had His Nerve.
Miss Neverstop, seating herself be
tween two much-engrossed elderly
gentlemen, exclaims: A rose between
two thorns.”
“Nay, madam,” retoris one; ‘“say
rather a tongue sandwich.”
Ought to Move.
" Jinks—Tired of living on mutton
and beef? Why don’t you have a bit
of fowl occasionally?
Binks (absently)—Can’t very well;
none of my neighbors Keeps poultry.
Doc Was Right.
Elderly Spinster—You know, doc
tor I'm always thinking thata man is
following me. Do you think I suffer
from hallucination?
octor—Absolutely certain you do,
ma'am,
7
