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THE ATLANTlAN 17 WHY A TEETOTLER BEATS A MODERATE. Col. George E. Blythe, of Columbus, was relating in a Columbus armory stories of the Civil War. “The can teen, its u'e and abuse,” said Colonel Blythe, "occupied the minds of the civ ilians a good deal during the war. I remember the anti-canteen meeting that I attended, with a couple of dozen colonels and generals, in Charleston. A funny thing occurred at this meet ing. W. A. SIMS, Vice-President Guarantee Trust & Banking Company. “So that night, after the lecturer had finished his own speech, he said: “‘Ladies and Gentlemen: We have with us this evening Brother Dash, proprietor of the largest bar in Char leston. Brother Dash prefers a tee totaler to a moderate drinker any day. and he will now tell us why.’ “Landlord Dash arose amid loud ap plause. “ ‘Friends,’ he said, ‘I’ll tell you how it is. A moderate drinker comes to my saloon, orders a large beer, collars all the morning papers, takes the best arm \ chair in the place, and stays for three- quarters of an hour—and all 1 get out of it is a nickel. “ ‘Now, a teetotaler, he rushes up to the back door, buys a quart of whis key, buttons his vest over it, and is off like the wind. He don’t give a grain of trouble, and I’m in 75 cents.' ” ONE HIT AND NOBODY OUT. Big Bill Taft, mighty pitcher and captain of the Nationals, stepped blithely into the pitcher’s box, says Lip- pincott’s. It was the first game of the season. The grandstands and the bleach ers were thronged with expectant specta tors, for Taft was a prime favorite and believed to have many new and intricate curves. At the bat was Aldrich, captain of the Senators, and one of the best batters of the league. It was a tense moment. Taft smiled. Then he signalled to the catcher. “He’s going to throw an income tax,” whispered a shrewd reporter in the press- box. ‘‘Watch him. Aldrich will never BEAUTIFUL CHINA For Birthday and Wedding Presents We have no Branch Stores “The chief speaker, a Savannah man, had happened to get into conver sation with the landlord of the hotel in the afternoon, and the landlord had said that, speaking out of a vast ex perience, he preferred a total abstain er to a moderate drinker any day. “ ‘Will you come to our anti-canteen meeting?’ said the lecturer, eagerly, ‘and address us on that head?’ “ ‘Sure, I will,’ said the hotel man. DR. BILL ELKIN, Popular Retail Druggist, a Great Booster for Atlanta. hit it.” A moment more Taft waited. Ho glanced at the rest of the team, motion ed the outfield to play close in, as the worst that could happen would be a pop up or a Texas leaguer. He looked at the people again and smiled. Then, with all the grace of a well- groomed bovine, ho drew himself up and sent the ball swiftly over the plate. ‘‘Strike one,” the umpire almost said, so sure was he that Pop Aldrich could never hit the income tax curve. But Pop knew better. As he saw it coming, he drew hack his bat and met the ball squarely. Up and up and away it flew, to the consternation of all, over hill and dale, fences and skyscrapers, and by the time they found the ball the game had to bo called on account of darkness. A SYSTEM THAT WORKED WELL. A man walked into a railroad office and addressed the chief clerk, who was his friend, and asked him if he coulc recommend a good filing system, says Judge’s Library. The chief clerk ex plained the system he was using, and his frieml left, saying he would install the same kind in his office. About two weeks later the chief clerk met his friend. ‘‘Well, how is your filing system?” “Oil, it works fine!” “How is business?” ‘ ‘ Not much. You see, it is this way. We have to spend so much time working the filing system, we haven’t any time left for business.” BRIGHT BITS. Houston—“The French may now buy ; our stocks on their Bourse. ’ ’ Mulberry—“They would find it safer to marry them, as usual.”—Puck. Teacher—You can’t add two different kinds of things. For instance, you can’t add an orange and an apple and get. more apples. Johnny—But, teacher, when you add a piece of meat and a dog you get more dog.—Harvard Lampoon. ‘ ‘ Do you agree with the professor who says women get the worst of it in this world ? ’ ’ “ I do, but how are we going to change the situation as long as they will not learn to quit stepping off backward from moving cars?”—Chicago Record-Herald. Percy Pickle—Aw—I thought T heard you tell Miss Wose that you were novel kissed by a man. Miss Tabasco—So 1 did. Percy Pickle—But—aw—pawdon me; I kissed you lawst night. Miss Tabasco—I said a man.—Phila delphia Bulletin. “A play,” remarked the theatrical nanager, “is like a cigar.” “What’s the answer?” inquired the nnocent reporter. “If it's good,” explained the man ager, “everyone wants a box, and if it’s bad no amount of puffing will make it draw. ”—Bystander. Ned—Honest, are these jokes original with you? Ted—On my honor—I wrote them all. Ned—But why? Ted—To support my family. Ned—But if your family is as old as those jokes it must be fully able to support itself.—Cleveland oLader. “So you are convinced that Bacon wrote the Shakesperian plays?” “I am,” answered the British dram- utits. “But Bacon was a politician rather than a poet.” “That’s just the point. Only a man with a political pull could have produced some of those plays without trouble with government censorship. ’ ’—Washington Star. THIRDLY. A student undergoing examination in the principles of mechanics was asked: “Why will not a pin stand on its point?” He returned the following answer, says Pearson’s: “In the first place, a point is defined •y Euclid as that which has no parts and o magnitude, and how can a pin stand or. that which hath no parts and no mag nitude? “In the second place, a pin will not stand on its head, much less, therefore, will it stand on its point. “Thirdly, and lastly, it will, if you stick it in hard enough. ’ Down on the Island of Barbados a wind storm picked up a negress, carried her a mile and a half, then dropped her into a tree top. Here in the States the wind is gener ally well-behaved. Sometimes, though, it jumps the speed limit, and then there's trouble.