Newspaper Page Text
TH Wttt GIOtOIAN
4
WIvSK.KOIU.IW
BURBA HOVIS L\ V j GARY WILLIS
Kdilor Managing
itor
Peanut Power
It’s Georgia’s turn to play “mini-election” Tuesday when
voters go to the polls for the first quadrennial presidential
preference primary.
Peach State voters have a special interest in this year s
ballot, however, due to the somewhat surprising success of
our own Jimmy Carter.
“Favorite sons” are nothing new to presidential contests,
but it’s been some time since we in the south had anything to
offer instead of Gorgeous George Wallace. We consider
Carter more than a temporarily misplaced peanut farmer.
He entered the race as no more than an unknown underdog,
and is now no less than the frenzied frontrunner. We have
been continually impressed by what the former governor has
had to say, and so we add our names to the ever-growing list
of peanut pushers.
Carter has won primaries everywhere from New Hamp
shire to Florida to Pennsylvania to Illinois, and it has
become increasingly apparent that his message is being
favorably received by people from all walks of life.
The last four years have proven to be politically unnerving
and exasperating, if not frightening. Carter has been con
sistent in assuring everyone that he will be dedicated to
opening the federal government back up to the people, and
his record as governor does nothing to contradict this
philosophy.
Quite frankly, though, we are disturbed by what appears to
be a growing anti-southern, anti-Carter coalition among the
leaders of the Democratic party. A great number of the
people have demonstrated they find him an acceptable
candidate, and it would be political suicide for the party to
resort to smoke-filled back rooms at convention time to stop
him. We all remember what happened in ’72 when the party
wouldn’t support the candidate: no contest.
Anyway, we really enjoy the thought of grits on the White
House menu.
FRANKLY SPEAKING ... .by phil frank
HE'S HAD A ROUGH JiMB
OF IT LATELY 1 . Keep HIM
INDOORS A WHILE -
pL&UTYL’F REST
©College Media Services Box 9411 Berkeley, Ca 94709
Chris Drummond
Dollers And Sense
Once upon a time, in a kingdom by the sea.
there toiled a hearty school of craftsmen who
spent their days manufacturing life-sized
mechanical dolls under the watchful eye of good
King Morris of Townsound and his faithful un
derstudy, Sir Dingle.
The craftsmen took pride in the production of
their dolls because they so closely resembled
humans and could be used to replace business
men, executives, teachers, and politicians at
nearly half the cost of real humans. Some of the
dolls even achieved a measure of notoriety as
insurance salesmen, which in itself was a tribute
to the fine workmanship of Townsound. King
Morris and Sir Dingle were pleased, but remained
ever mindful that the dolls were the kingdom s
only source of income, as they watched the
American sailors load crates of dolls onto their
sleek ships.
One day, however, a dreadful shadow passed
over King Morris and his kingdom. He called Sir
Dingle to his chambers.
“Dingle,” he said, “I have dreadful news. It’s
the craftsmen. They’ve taken to working the
waterfront after hours to supplement their in
comes.”
“I don’t understand,” Dingle puzzled.
“The workers, Dingle! They’re selling more
than dolls to the sailors. I fear they’re pimping
and well, er uh, you know. Some of them are even
selling pencils, and what’s worse is that it’s af
fecting their work. Just yesterday several dolls
were returned for being loose between the ears.
They returned even more for being dressed in
black mesh nylons and spiked heels,’’ the King
wailed.
“Good lord!”
“How do you think it makes me feel having
those nasty sailors laugh behind my back and talk
about how things are going to be when they sail to
Mount Kennesaw for dolls, instead, all because a
Jack Anderson
Another Space Race
by Jack Anderson
with Joe Spear
WASHINGTON - The most
backward nations may be far
ahead of us in using a tech
nology that we spent billions of
dollars to develop.
We designed two satellites,
which circle the globe and beam
back images of the earth’s sur
face. These images are so
detailed that scientists can keep
a close eye on the world's crops
from outer space. They can even
trace bug infestation in the fields
far below-. The images can now
be used to predict closely what
the world’s grain yield will be.
Obviously, this information
can be used in many valuable
ways. But the Agriculture
Department, in all its
bureaucratic glory, is gumming
things up.
Why? Well, for one thing, the
new- satellites will radically
change the way the department
operates. It could cost the jobs of
many bureaucrats who still
check crops the old-fashioned
way.
In addition, top Agriculture
officials are concerned about the
far-reaching effects such tech
nology could have on the billion
dollar commodities market, and
agribusiness in general.
But other nations are eager to
get and use the information. Both
Russia and China have
purchased space photos from us.
They seem particularly in
terested in photos of their com
mon border area. They may be
more interested in watching
few miserable workers think they need more
money?”
“Well, I suppose we could pay them more,
Dingle mumbled nervously.
“We’ve got to put an end to after-hours work;
we’ve got to increase production and we’ve got to
regain respect!” The King obviously ignored
Dingle’s mumbling as he paced frantically.
Dingle brightened and said, “Sire, I think I
know how to solve our problem.” The King
stopped his pacing.
“Why not force the workers to build dolls that
can replace craftsmen? Why not make the worker
build dolls that can build dolls? Dolls don’t need
money. We could just turn them on in the morn
ings and turn them off in the afternoons. They’ll
do anything we teU them to. Why, we could even
make them whistle while they worked!” Dingle
was obviously proud of his plan.
“Excellent idea, Dingle, but what will we do
with the human craftsmen, the real workers,
when they are no longer needed?”
“To the guillotine and let them eat cake!”
Dingle quipped.
Sometime later, while American sailors were
busy loading crates of dolls onto their ships, King
Morris of Townsound and Sir Dingle sat fishing
for watermelons in the moat.
King Morris broke the summer silence, “You
know, Dingle, your plan seems to have worked
nicely. The craftsmen dolls produce plenty of
dolls and never ask for one red cent. We turn them
off at night and store them in the closet so there’s
no need to worry about our reputation. There is
just one thing, I regret, Dingle.”
The King shifted his pole as he shifted his at
tention from the moat to Sir Dingle.
“What’s that?”
“I just wish I had made one more doll,” the
King said with a sinister stare that made Dingle
squirm.
each other's border movements
than in getting crop information.
Brazil, Canada. Iran and Italy
have purchased their own
receiving stations, so they can
pick up the satellite pictures
directly. And even agriculturally
backward nations like Bolivia,
Iraq and the Sudan are putting
the space data to use to improve
their crops.
But the U.S., unfortunately, is
making little use of the space
photos.
Food Fiasco: The
Agriculture Department has
ruined more than two-and-a
half million dollars worth of food
intended for hungry people in
Puerto Rico.
Agriculture officials shipped
huge quantities of cheese, fruit,
vegetables and cereals to Puerto
Rico under a food commodities
program. But incredibly, ar
rangements for storing and
refrigerating the food were
never made.
Asa result one million dollars
worth of cheese rotted, and
more than SBOO,OOO worth of rice
and rolled oats were lost.
Now- the department is busily
searching for scapegoats to
blame. The bureaucrats claim
it s the fauit of a federal judge
who ordered them to send extra
food to feed the starving.
They’ve also written a private
report blaming Puerto Rican of
ficials for not taking proper care
to store and refrigerate the food.
Rambling Rug: We’ve
solved the mystery of Secretary
of State Henry Kissinger's miss
ing rug.
The House Intelligence Com
mittee revealed that the Kur
dish rebel leader, General
Mustafa Barzani, delivered two
valuable gifts to Kissinger. One
was a gold necklace, the other an
oriental rug.
Kissinger, quite properly,
turned the gifts into the protocol
office at the State Department
We learned that the necklace
was locked up in a safe. But
somehow the rug vanished. Our
sources tipped us off that it had
turned up mysteriously in the
White House.
It took two days to track the
rug down. The beautiful, four-by*
six, red and blue rug can now be
found in the outer office of Gen
eral Brent Scowcroft, President
Ford’s national security adviser.
Bureaucratic Smoke: A
secret Pentagon report describes
an experimental missile which
couldn’t be brought down by the
most fearsome weapons but got
snarled by government red tape
Our Air Force, in cooperation
with the West Germans, con
ducted a series of top-secret teste
in Germany of the Maverick air
to-ground missile. The Air Fort*
wanted to determine whether
the Maverick could penetrate
simulated enemy defenses
The Maverick performed
Continued On Page 14