Newspaper Page Text
page 5
Wednesday, November 2, 2005
Luke makes an
Double Vision
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By Jake Earl and Luke Abel
lukeandjakearehott@yahoo.com
The world is
in trouble. It is in a
metaphysical, existential
and epistemological
crisis. Every day billions
of children die in the salt
mines of Angora. AIDS
is rampant. A flu epidemic
hovers over the sweating,
groaning Eurasian
proletariat, which is
threatening to overthrow
us Western bourgeoisie
at any given moment.
The Mcßib has been
brutally discontinued,
further exacerbating the
proletariat thing I just
mentioned. And, lastly,
Jake just stole some of my
delicious sour candy.
In short, things blow.
Fortunately, we here
at the state-of-the-art
Double Vision Research
Complex and Amusement
Park (DVRCAP, for short)
have assembled a crack
team of sociologists,
epidemiologists,
economists, Motocross
superstars, large
breasted women,
religious authorities
Would you like to
advertise in
uHje West (Senrgum?
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Stephanie Smith
§§imfh2s #my,w#stga,§du
(excluding Catholics)
and crack dealers (known
around the office as the
SEEMSLBW| RA-CJCD).
Through a whole
bunch of research and
office chair races they have
constructed a theoretical
model explaining the
existence of suffering
in the world and—more
importantly—how to stop
it. We quickly threw most
of their findings onto this
sweet twenty-foot-tall
bonfire that Jake and I made
with a little help from Mr.
Petroleum and then made
our own theory. We call it
the Theory of Pump.
Jake: That fire kicked
butt, yeah?
Absolutely. Anyway,
the Theory of Pump. It
basically states that there
are problems in this world
and they are solved by
being pumped. Sounds
easy, but most people
really get hung up on the
second part.
It has taken, like,
fifteen years since the
word “pump” entered my
vocabulary tofigureout what
it really means. We can’t
give a full exposition of the
complicated mathematical
underpinnings of the
concept of “pump,”
primarily because the
newspaper doesn’t afford
us room for necessary
doodles of me in a tank
shooting some birds.
In the most general
layman’s terms, “to be
pumped” is “not to care
about anything and having
escaped all material fetters,
achieve the supreme state of
excitement and intensity.”
It's kind of like Buddhism,
except with a lot fewer
candles and you get to keep
your hair... sometimes.
Now that we have a
bare-bones definition, let’s
fill it out with some real-life
examples, most of which I
witnessed firsthand.
Take, for example,
a recent trek through the
coffee farms of Ecuador,
on which I saw child after
depressed, morose child,
working at their coffee
trees. Taking only slight
notice at the guttural,
Chef-Boyardee-esque
noises they made while
cupping their hands around
their mouths and shouting
of himself, Jake concurs
in my direction (I hear
some call this “Spanish”),
1 proceeded to shuffle
through my Death Cab
For Cutie collection on
my iPod.
That is, until 1 noticed
one very special child.
It didn’t take me long
to figure out what made
her so special: she was
pumped. She couldn’t
stop screaming to save her
life and she showed blatant
disrespect to all animate
and inanimate objects she
came across.
Realizing the capacity
for good in the pumposity
you stop caring,
ladies and gentlemen, that is
when achieving
is possible. [ ~ -i)
of this little girl, I wrangled
her into submission
with my team of animal
handling specialists and
mailed her in a crate, with
some food and water,
of course, to a pleasant
Midwestern family back
in the States that I knew
would love to have her.
Music at UWG events
harmful to students
By Deanna Jackson
Guest Opinion
djackso6@my.westfia.edu
To whom it may concern:
I would like to express my feelings
in regards to the musical selections
that are played at campus events such
as Friday After Dark, the annual step
show, other SGA sponsered events
that are held on campus, and most
importantly our own campus radio
station.
I personally would like a better
array of musical selections to listen to
because not everyone enjoys listening
to the same thing. What really disturbs
me are the musical choices that the
majority obviously likes since there
have not been any complaints to the
vulgar, derogatory
lyrics that ’ ’ ’out
of the speakers at
these events.
I just don’t
understand why
there is a problem
with inspirational
and Christian music
being played on the
airways as well as at
the events...what is
wrong with mixing
it up? I understand
that everyone is not
a Christian and that
is why I propose
inspirational music.
There is a lot of
great music across
all genres and I
feel that it should
be played on our campus and at our
radio station. Just like everyone is not
a Christian, everyone does not enjoy
listening to lyrics full of profanity and
derogatory remarks towards or against
various culutres and females.
I know a lot of people that
personally feel the way that I do and I
Word has it that she has yet
to stop screaming.
While not possessing
the propensity towards
pump that that little girl
showed, I too find that
being pumped improves
my daily life. For example,
in a pottery class I was
taking last semester I
found myself so frustrated
with my wheel that I
punched incessantly at the
lump of clay until it was an
indescribable and horrific
mass that resembled a
bear cub being minced
by a sunflower made of
bowie knives.
At this point, not being
able to restrain myself
from becoming violent
with my classmates,
I stormed out of the
classroom. While gone,
my professor happened
to notice my product of
pumpedness, to which
he gave an “A,” “even
just thought that 1 should go ahead and
speak out, instead of just talking about
it in disbelief and frustration.
I have even went as far as to go
to the radio station and ask the head
of the radio station why they do not
play inspirational or Christian music.
He told me that it is against certain
rules and policies to play any religion
based type of music and 1 told him that
I don't understand how it is okay to
blare out derogatory lyrics that do not
encourage college students to come to
campus to get an education, but does
encourage us to smoke, drink and party
all morning long.
1 just w anted it to be known that I
am concerned about our motives and
reasons for not allowing anything
positive and enlightening to be
not deny
that music has an
affect on us and l
know it goes both
ways , noth positive
and negative , but
which one honestly
protrudes tliPinosfT\
y y
That is what we need to ask
ourselves and after doing that we need
to seriously re-evaluate that and make
some changes for the better...even if the
majority desires to continually live and
feed off of the negative nonsense that
does not help us to become successful
individuals in positive ways.
(Elje llleat (Georgian
though it didn’t resemble
a Grecian urn, which was
kind of the assignment.”
Imagine if this sort of
attitude, or lack thereof,
was applied to all aspects
of human life. Politicians,
scientists, artists and
everyday, average Joes
would all reap the benefits
of not caring about any of
their problems, or, for that
matter, anything of value
to them.
And once you
stop caring, ladies and
gentlemen, that is when
achieving great things is
possible. Would Einstein
have thought of relativity
if he had given a crap
about what Newton said?
Do you think the founding
fathers would have
developed federalism
if they had allowed
themselves to be regularly
spanked by King George
XVII (or whatever)?
Would I have enjoyed
the rest of my sour candy
were it not for my violent
roundhouse kick to
Jake’s head (from which
he is recovering just fine,
by the way)? The answer
is no. If the human race
is to solve its problems,
great and small, we need
to get pumped.
What else should we
say? ...Jake, do you want
to get a final word in?
Jake- No.
received through
our music, which
greatly affects us
all whether we
want to admit it or
not. The way we
dress, talk, walk,
dance, think, act,
etc. is a result of
the music that
we listen to just
about 24/7.
We cannot
deny that music
has an affect on
us and 1 know it
goes both ways,
both positive
and negative,
but which one
honestly intrudes
the most?