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...It I had to choose between putting a bullet in someone’s head or allowing
a serial killer to escape and kill one of you, 1 wouldn't even have to think
about it. Let God judge him.
-21 year old anonymous prison guard
Tales of a prison guard: Reasons to avoid prison
By Kelly Quimby
Guest Writer
kelly_quimby@yahoo.com
Citizens, this is a public
service announcement.
A friend of my brother's
works in a prison in Florida.
In respect to [ |, I will
not disclose any personal
information but do not
assume that what you are
about to read is a work of
fiction. [ )is a prison guard
in a state prison. One night
as he downed shots of Wild
Turkey, he told harrowing
tales of the people he
encounters as he goes to
work each day. 1 ]is a young
man. He is merely twenty
one years old, he is engaged
to his high school sweetheart
and life is good. He makes
$10.50 an hour and when
he goes back to school to
become a lieutenant, he will
be making upwards of SSO
an hour.
Citizens, please do
not consider me tasteless
in the information I am
about divulge, for I believe
it is necessary that you, the
public, be informed. There
are many things going on
around us that w e cannot see.
And though it may not seem
to directly affect us, we are
recognized by other nations
for how we treat our own.
It is like this everywhere.
Saddam Hussein was
recently executed for his
own atrocities. Hopefully
what you lire about to read
will enlighten you on the
kind of chaos and carnage
that is similar to a present
day Iraq.
“Prisoners will use
anything they can get their
hands on as a weapon. And
these men are as smart as
anyone in this room.”--
Ladies and Gentlemen: Presenting
Jake "Pinocchio" Peel
The View
From My Front Porch
With Larry L. Peel
larry@ioncinema.com
I have critters. Well you
knew that already. What
you don’t know yet is that
my critters are insane. Stan
thinks he is master of all
domain, my chocolate lab
Zoey likes to stand atop her
doghouse like a great bronze
statue of some mighty
warrior dog, Miko my large
breed mutt is the Alpha and
my Blue Heeler Little Bit
is a conniving little wench
who manages to manipulate
us all.
That leads us to the
main character in today’s
adventure, Jake. Jake is
a very small Blue Heeler
with a docked tail whom we
adopted from a family who
had adopted him...in other
words I have no idea his
birth heritage.
Well Jake thinks he is a
little boy. He’s just waiting
for his blue fairy to change
his appearance. He lives in
the house, sleeps on the bed
nuzzled into the bend of my
knees, likes potato chips,
and will sit on the arm of the
he sits in the middle of a
circle of people, all listening
intently. We were, at this
point, unaware of what was
to come... The inmates were
paid a stipend of two dollars
an hour and with these
government-provided funds,
it was very' easy for them
to purchase the necessary'
components fora homemade
musket.
“The inmates would
take these wires from the
shop, and they’d h(x>k
them up to battery chargers.
Then they’d fill a pipe with
powder and put a pen in the
end. Then they’d wait until
a guard would come by on
rounds and as soon as that
guard got directly in front
of them, they’d connect the
wire to the battery. Boom.
That pen went straight
through him—through both
of his kidneys and out the
other side. He died pretty
quickly.”
“They’d take their
newspapers and tear them
up. Then they’d wet them to
make them hard, and make
spears. One night when a
guard was locking up the
cells, they attacked him
with their newspaper spears.
They stabbed him seventy
two times. He bled to death
before he could make it to
the control room. And no
other guards would help him
because they didn't want to
get stabbed.”
Citizens, please don’t
be alarmed. These men are
behind bars and cement
walls. The entire perimeter
is circled with several fences
topped with razor wire. Not
only that, they are monitored
by prison guards w ith guns
and mace. Everything that
goes on behind those w alls is
not visible to us. We should
sofa if I don’t make room
for him elsewhere. He loves
Ritz crackers and buffalo
chicken strips from Zaxby’s,
patiently hates bath time
and seems honestly agitated
when 1 make him spend time
outside with “the dogs”.
He knows that he is the
only one regularly allowed
inside the house, and I
honestly believe he taunts
the others with that fact. He
is also the only male in the
entire bunch, so I believe
him to be a male chauvinist,
though I can't prove it.
He understands
English fairly well. He
knows what “ride” means,
what “play with the girls”
means, and what cookies
and “crunchies”(dry dog
food) are. He despises
having to eat “crunchies”
instead of my food, so he
punishes me by chomping
the little morsels in the
middle of the night so that
I can suffer with him. Jake
is also incredibly jealous of
my son. Whenever Stephen
all feel safe. Sleep soundly,
have pleasant dreams.
“Every thirty minutes
we have to shine a flashlight
in the cells, make sure we
see skin, and move on.
This one guy, we noticed
he hadn’t turned over in his
sleep all night. So we go in
to check on him? He’s dead.
He was stabbed to death in
his sleep.”
[ | is now accustomed to
death. He sees violence and
abuse every day. This job
hits clearly hardened him.
He does not grimace when
he tells us about his job. He
speaks with calm resolution.
He knows how quickly a
moment’s stupid passion can
turn into years of suffering
behind those bars.
“You’ve got your
corrupt officers. Visitors will
hand them drugs, they’ll
smuggle the drugs in. and
people will pay them SI(XX)
just to smuggle in like an
ounce of weed or some
pills or something...but then
when they get caught, they
find themselves in there with
the rest of the prisoners, as
prisoners. Sometimes they
even try to get weapons in
there. They ’ll try to smuggle
them in their [rectums] and
tie a string to it. Can you
imagine? Someone trying
to smuggle a pistol inside
of them like that? Well if we
them walking suspiciously
we’ll tell them to bend over
and if there’s a string? We
just rip it out.”
What if the gun gix?s
off?
Citizens, dries this
sound like a civilized world ?
Does this sound like the
same country you grew
up in? Are you starting to
see that this world is not
one that you would like to
climbs up on me to watch
TV or read, Jake starts
yapping and trying to get
between us.
The strangest thing
that Jake has done recently
though is to become a
thief. You see 1 had thrown
half dozen or so cubes of
combread that were left
over from dinner one night
out into the yard, sort of as
a treat for Stan. Now Jake
is housetrained, so at night
before we go to bed, I let
him out into the front yard
to take care of things for the
night. Little did I know what
he would be up to. Over
the course of the next few
nights, Jake was returning
with combread. Curious,
I finally followed him one
night and discovered that he
had collected all the cubes of
combread into a pile under a
tree, and then covered them
with leaves. Subsequently
he would return each night
to his stash, grab another
cube, and have a bedtime
snack.
I simply shook my head
in disbelief as he traipsed
past me like the winning
dog at the show, holding
that combread like it was a
trophy. I’m starting to feel
like Dr. Doolittle on a weird
trip.
Opinion
become a part of? What is
the government doing about
this ? What is their role in the
prison system?
“There ire some ways
you can try to ease your
sentence. For example
snitching? The government
will pay a prisoner and reduce
their sentence if they snitch.
1 know it sounds great, but
if you get caught snitching
by the other prisoners. ..well
first they ’ll rape you. Then
they’ll find whatever they
can to torture you with, then
they’ll probably rape you
some more. Actually, it’s
probably best to just snitch
on a snitch.”
"Have you ever
wondered w hy in all of those
child molestation cases, you
never hear about the molester
again once they get to prison ?
That's because they're dead.
Child molesters and child
killers are always killed.
They have to wear a patch on
their ami that identifies them
as sexual predators. The
other prisoners always kill
them. Rape them first, and
then kill them. It's actually
pretty ironic. As we see them
getting led away by the cops
in the courtrixim, it’s like
we’re just waving goodbye.
‘Good luck buddy.’ We
know they won’t be alive
that much longer.”
You may be thinking
that in this kind of world,
they only way out is escape.
Well, statistically speaking
that is impossible. There is
a reason that the only prison
breaks you ever hear of
happen on television shows
and movies. These are all
works of fiction. Life is not
really that easy.
“There was one Asian
guy that made it over the
fence. He had a running start.
RANT AND RAVE
I thought there was anew smoking rule...? People are still
smoking w ithin the designated 25 ft no smoking area. I
think there should be a line painted on the ground to let
them know how far away they have to be.
The Z-6 needs to get a microwave because there food is
cold 90% of the time!
The TLC bus route should run later than 3:15.
There should be at least one person at each restaurant in
the Food Court (Downstairs in the UCC) at ALL times!
What’s the deal with all the crime on campus lately?
Full moon?
Speak up!
Surely the student body has something to complain
about. The West Georgian wants to hear your thoughts
on anything and everything happening on campus.
Send comments with title “Rant and Rave'” to
uwgpaper.westga.edu
and jumped the first fence.
After he cleared the first
fence he started running and
cleared the second one. He
cleared all of the fences and
tixik of running toward the
highway. Then our perimeter
vehicles that come around
every' twenty minutes,
chased him down, and shot
him with a shotgun.”
--“There was an Asian
man in prison?”
—“He was the only
one.”
"The thing about
escaping is that as stxin as
you clear the fence we have a
permission to shixit. If you’re
just hanging on the fence w e
can’t shixu, but if you make
it over, you’re a dead man.
With our guns, wherever a
red dot, the bullet goes. You
can make a smiley face out
of bullets in their face before
they even hit the ground. You
canshootaguy in theeye and
he’ll still move. And if a man
even moves on the ground
permission to shixit. No one
has ever escaped.’”
The theme of the
discussion soon became
“Does prison create crazy?” [
| would argue that no, prison
d<x.*sn’t create crazy because
most of the people in there
are already crazy when they
get there. If they weren’t they
never would have tried to
commit a crime that would
put them there. But have a
look at the conditions. Even
being a guard in prison can
make you crazy.
"If you tell a guard
that you’re going to commit
suicide, you’ll be put on
suicide watch for thirty days.
What this means is that you
are in a room by yourself
with a bed and a toilet and
that’s it. And a guard must
stand there and watch you
It
every moment that you’re in
there. There are some guys
that do this just so they can
mess with the guards. They’ll
defecate in their hands and
mb it all over the walls and
the guards aren’t allowed to
do anything but stand there.
This is why you should
respect the correctional
officers. They are working
for you and they ’re putting up
w ith all this. And I work with
a lot of fun people. One guy
killed two men with his bare
hands. He picked them up by
the neck and thwap! Thwap!
on the asphalt. Killed them.
I’ve never killed anybody
but when I do....it's going to
be weird.”
Citizens, it probably
does not matter if you agree
with what I am saying or
not. Even though this will
probably end up in the
Opinion section,this is not an
opinion piece, and if it were.
I would have found a way to
make it so that my opinion is
the only correct one (that is
how the news works these
days right?). No, the things
you have learned are not
fabricated in exchange for
ten dollars from the college.
What you’ve just read is
true. The key to a gixxl life
is a healthy mind. That is.
do not allow yourself to be
consumed by guilt or regret
or worry. Do not allow fear of
the unknown or to judgment.
This kind of life could very
easily be yours.
Often it’s easy to forget
the sacrifices of those we like
to blame for our troubles.
“...If I had to choose
between putting a bullet in
someone's head or allowing
a serial killer to escape and
kill one of you, I wouldn’t
even have to think about it.
Let God judge him.”