Newspaper Page Text
V
1
By JOHN J. KANE, Ph.D.
Professor of Sociology
University of Notre Dame
* * *
I have been married just over
ten years. While I love my hus
band and feel certain that he
loves me, his mother always
comes first. His parents try to
run our life. They call almost
every Sunday to see that we at
tend church. I asked my hus
band to take me Christmas
shopping but he refused; yet he
later took his mother. If I act
like his mother I am nagging.,
y His mother is cold toward me,
even though I try to be nice to
her. Shouldn’t a husband prefer
his wife to his mother?
* * *
The unusual aspect of the pro
blem you present, Helen, is that
it has lasted over ten years. If
conditions are exactly as you
describe them, I wonder why you
tolerated the situation. Of
course, a wife must take pre
cedence over a husband’s mo
ther. In fact, a wife must take
precedence over all others with
her husband. This is the very
nature of marriage.
Whenever in-law problems
occur in marriage, there is a
tendency to place the entire
blame upon the in-laws. In the
folklore of American life in
laws are almost invariably de
picted as evil incarnate. This
is obviously far from the truth.
It is not necessary to outlaw
your in-laws. Frequently, they
are the source of great help in
times of crises, staunch friends
'.n adversity. Other times they
are indeed a source of trouble.
But usually they are like most
human beings, a bit of both.
After ten years of married
life, it must indeed be annoying
to have reared their children,
Twho have married and left home.
They find time hanging heavily
on their hands. Like all human
beings they want attention and
affection. Since your mother-
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in-law’s husband is still living,
one is compelled to wonder
about the relationship with her
own husband. Are they compati
ble? Does he neglect her? In
her unhappiness is she reaching
out to her son as a surrogate
husband? I fear this may be at
the root of the problem.
A great deal has been written
about the so-called silver cord
which binds a son to his mother.
Somewhere along the line, us
ually during adolescence, a son
must break this cord. The ma
ture mother expects this, in
deed welcomes it. But even
though logically she knows that
it must occur, emotionally it is
a wrench. It can be eased if
the older woman and her hus
band realize that they are ret
urning to a type of life similar
to that which they had before
their children were born. Nat
urally, life can never be quite
the same as it was in their
youth, but they must learn to de
pend largely upon each other for
love, affection and companion
ship.
Perhaps it would be prudent to
discuss this matter with your
husband at some length. You
have a chance to observe the re
lationship between your mo
ther-in-law and father-in-law.|
If you feel they do not get along
well together, if there is some
problem which seems to sep
arate them, perhaps the son’s
attention should be called to it.
He may be able to talk it over
with his father and persuade him
to pay more attention to his wife.
Your mother-in-law’s cold
ness toward you can be under
stood even though you cannot ac
cept it. If she is really lonely
and is seeking from her son the
companionship she should get
from her husband, you obviously
seem to stand in her way. Since
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this has continued for a period
of ten years, it is entirely un
likely that there will be any sud
den end to it. It is something
you will have to accept. You are
wise in being as pleasant to her
as possible, and in fact any an
gry words or any rupture in
your relationships with her will
only hurt your husband more.
One indication of maturity is a-
bility to accept the inevitable,
and in this case I fear you may
face the inevitable.
The Sunday phone calls men
tioned above are naturally irri
tating. It is as though your mo
ther-in-law were dealing with
two children who cannot fend for
themselves. Perhaps the best
way to handle these calls is to
anticipate them by calling her
and asking if she and her hus
band have gone to church yet.
If they still beat you to the
phone, you may sweetly inquire
after you have told them you at
tended Mass whether or not they
did. She may then get the mes
sage.
At the risk of sounding harsh,
it may be easier for your hus
band to refuse to take you shop
ping than to refuse to take his
mother. You are really much
closer to him and he may count
more upon your understanding
than upon his mother’s under
standing. Obviously, he was
wrong if he counted on this, but
you will have to take it into ac
count. Some husbands, unfort
unately, tend to take their wives
for granted and this seems to be
an instance where this occur
red. On the other hand, before
you leap to any conclusions, you
should evaluate the reason he
•has for not taking you shopping.
It may have been a good one.
If you were married one or
two years, my advice would be to
have a showdown with your hus
band over the issue. But why
did you allow this sort of behav
ior to continue for such a long
period of time without any vigo
rous complaint? In other words
you permitted a pattern of life
to be established and now, deep
ly annoyed by it, you would like
to alter it. Frankly, I have lit
tle hope that you can do much a-
bout it.
Unless this problem is much
more severe than you seem to
indicate, I would be prepared to
tolerate it as far as possible.
If, on the other hand, this pre
ference of your husband for his
mother seems to run more
deeply, to interfere with many
other aspects of your lives and
the rearing of your children, I
would seriously consider psy
chiatric attention. Basically, I
am inclined to believe your hus
band is acting out of deep sym
pathy for his mother’s plight,
do not think that he actually pre
fers his mother to you at all.
And you, of course, must be
careful that you do not allow
jealousy to distort your per
spective. There probably never
has been a wife in the world who
at some time or other did not be
lieve her husband seemed to
prefer his mother to her, if he
had a mother living. In human
relationships such petty annoy
ances are just about bound to
occur. So long as your married
life is otherwise happy, you can
be grateful that your problem is
not severe. Time, at any rate,
will clear up this problem for
you. In the meantime, patience
and tact are probably your best
weapons.
* * *
Dr. Kane will be unable to an
swer personal mail. However,
he welcomes your suggestions
of topics that would particularly’
interest you. Address Doctor
Kane in care of this newspaper.
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New Hopes Raised For
Alliance For Progress
(The Bishops of the United
States are sponsoring an or
ganized effort to aid the Church
in Latin America. The Latin
American bishops are pushing
for an overall renewal of the
Church there. The following
article, dealing with the re
vamping of the Alliance for
Progress, was written by the
editor of Noticias Catholics,
Spanish language edition of the
N.C.W.C. News Service.)
By Jaime Fonseca
(N.C.W.C. News Service)
Three years ago on March 13,
President John F. Kennedy
launched the Alliance for Pro
gress designed to improve the
lot of the common man in Latin
America.
Thirty-six months later —
and after U. S. investment of
$2.6 billion — the ALPRO,
as Latin Americans call it,
shows substantial accomplish
ment, but also a good deal of
trouble.
On the credit side:
—Approximately 20 million
people are being fed out of the
Food for Peace stocks provid-
U. S. citizens have a heavy
stake in this vast, exciting en
terprise, never tried before in
history.
“Unless all of us take the lead
in improving the welfare of all
the Americans, then the leader
ship will be taken from us and
the heritage of centuries of
Western civilization will be
consumed in a few months of
violence,” Mr. Kennedy warn
ed.
This country, under the pres
sures of the Cold War, has in
deed committed its national se
curity to the success of ALPRO.
Not only involved is the duty of
sharing with others its abun
dance. The “alliance” has stra
tegic as well as social, econo
mic and political implications.
The peoples it undertakes to
save from desperate moves are
actually in danger of falling into
the Soviet orbit.
By aiding them the U. S.,
may secure ready access to
potential war materials and
bases. Above all, this effort can
help to win the minds and hearts
of the people for Christian civi-
TECHNICAL ASSISTANCE and. supervised farm produc
tion has been one of the principal goals of the Alliance For
Progress in Latin American Countries. Farmers are ac
quiring new confidence and a better standard of living with
an increase and diversification of crops.
ed by the U. S. surplus pro
gram.
—Some 150,000 families of
low and middle income have new
homes.
—About 1,000 new hospitals
and clinics are helping local
medics and nurses to prolong
the life of thousands.
—More than 700 towns and
villages now have tap water and
good wells.
—In many countries — main
ly Colombia, Chile and Mexico
— 170,000 small farmers have
received loans for land im
provement, seeds, fertilizers
and machinery. Other farm pro
grams have benefited another
17,000.
—Over 10,000 miles of road
have been built.
—What is more promising,
8,200 classrooms have been
added, 4 million school-banks
distributed, and close to 20,000
teachers are being trained.
Thus the alliance has meant
real improvement for 38 million
or more people.
President Kennedy called it
* 'a vast cooperative effort, un
paralleled in magnitude and no
bility of purpose, to satisfy the
basic needs of the Latin Ameri
can people for homes, work and
land, health and schools.”
When the American nations—
Cuba excepted—signed the
Charter of Punta del Este in
Uruguay, they pledged:
‘ ‘It is the purpose of the Al
liance for Progress to enlist the
full energies of the peoples and
governments of the American
republics in a great cooperative
effort to accelerate the eco
nomic and social development
of Latin America, so that they
may achieve maximum levels
of well being. . .in democratic
societies.”
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lization.
Prior to the launching of AL
PRO, there were serious set
backs for democracy in the
Western hemisphere. These set
backs were marked by the ex
pansion of Soviet influence into
Cuba and threats of violent re
volution elsewhere in Latin
America.
The U. S. government is con
tributing toward the alliance
$1 billion a year. That means
the taxpayers provide $5 to
each of the 200 million Latins
most in the need of help. The
major portion of the money in
volved is in loans, and a large
amount is reverting back to the
American economy as the aided
countries buy goods and serv
ices from the U. S.
American private investors
are expected to pour some $400
million into Latin America in
each of the ten years spanned
by ALPRO, from 1962 through
1971. Another $600 million
should come from other sour
ces, especially from Europe.
The remaining $8 billion
needed annually to give the peo
ple south of the border a better
living standard must come from
the Latin Americans them
selves.
The goal of the total $10 bil
lion is to raise the present per
capita average income of $290 a
year to $370 by 1971 through an
increase of $80 at an annual
growth rate of 2.5%.
“But we are not going to make
it,” says a knowledgeable pro
fessor at a Central American
university, * 'unless our coun
tries produce more, get better
prices for what they export, and
get away from this business of
a one crop, one product eco
nomy.”
He was referring to oil in
Venezuela, copper in Chile, ba
nanas in Ecuador and coffee in
Brazil, Colombia and several
Central American countries.
While talking he scrawled some
figures to give a new look at the
housing situation.
“See what I mean: The $1
billion promised by the U. S.
government — by the way the
only sure thing — could only
build half a million homes at
$2,000 each, and that is cheap.
But from what I read, Latin
America needs today at least
seven million homes.”
Other sources indicate that to
revamp education — the sorest
spot in the whole picture —
these countries should have in
vested by 1971 some $24 billion.
They now spend $1.65 billion a
year.
A professor at a U. S. Mid
west college was more empha
tic: “Without commodity agree
ments on raw materials and
minerals—to which the U. S.
has showed a persistent allergy,
we make a mockery of asking
the Latin Americans to help
themselves. Take away fair
dollar earnings, and they cannot
raise the capital they need for
economic and social pro
grams,” he said.
When such programs are
lacking, the will to carry out
basic reforms in tax, land, poli
tics and education, as well as
improving farming and indus
try, withers. Thus, many of
these countries face a worsen
ing of economic security and
social upheaval. Such a climate
in turn scares foreign capital.
Before Castro, Americans were
investing some $400 million a
year in Latin America. This fall
to $100 million and only now is
on the increase.
Another matter troubling AL
PRO is a growing gap between
rich and poor countries. A per
son in Western Europe has a
yearly income of $1,000 now
and with the present increase
of 4% will have $1,500 at the
end of the decade. But the Latin,
even if he attains $370, will be
more than $1,000 poorer by
comparison.
Men of vision, in and out of
the ALPRO, know these objec
tions well enough to judge their
validity. Some are groundless,
others are being earnestly met,
to the point that the whole pro
gram is being revamped.
A new eight-man Inter-
American Committee, headed
by Colombian economist Carlos
Sanz Santamaria, is expected
to give the direction and inte
grated approach the ALPRO
needs to raise it from casual,
individual treatment to a large
scale, well planned and coordi
nated push against poverty and
ignorance. Hope of cohesion has
been raised by the appointment
of Thomas Mann by President
Johnson to oversee U. S. parti
cipation in the program.
There is a new realization
of the important role of private
organizations, including
Church-related works. More
people are being reached as
projects become reality.
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A four-year Liberal Arts College
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WRITE: DIRECTOR OF ADMISSIONS
Saint £eo College
Saint Leo, Florida
The Southern Cross, March 12, 1964—PAGE 5
Jottings-
(Continued From Page 4)
sures. How many of these‘psy
cho-Patricks’* draped in green
really help Ireland by buying
Irish goods — glass, whiskey,
tweed. It is easier to sing
“Danny Boy” than to do some
thing positive. Bob Considinein
his St. Patrick’s Day column
several years ago caused quite
a commotion. He stated that if
the Irish-Americans did as
much for their ancestral land
as the Jews didfor Israel, there
would be no emigration problem
or unemployment. If Irish-
Americans who celebrated so
loudly the holiday, the other 364
days of the year would buy Irish
products, promote Irish indus
tries, visit Ireland on their
world tours, things would be
better with the fair land.
* * *
WE ARE PROUD of the Irish
in Ireland, proud, too, of their
strong adherence to moral prin
ciples, their philosophy of
living: "That the only thing that
really counts in the long run is
whether you have saved your
soul.” We are not always as
proud of some Irish-Ameri
cans. When the Irish driven by
famine came to the shores of
America, there was no red car
pet waiting and the White House
was an undreamed, unthinkable
goal. In fact, the Irish were in
many ways treated as the Neg
roes are today. Employment
signs read "No Irish Need Ap
ply.” The Brahmins kept them
in service positions, maids,
chaufeurs, they could not think
of them as becoming educated,
going to Harvard, marrying
their daughters or in any way
becoming their equals. That is
why it is so difficult to under
stand why many have been ac
cused as individuals not as
groups, as being prejudiced
against Negroes. . .not our and
out prejudice but not allowing
them to buy a house next door,
or to be friends of their child
ren. It has been a long time
since the immigrant boats, but
it would be good for us all to
remember those days when we
would forget how it was — spi
ritual values came first, not
social, political.
AMERICAN-IRISH ties are
strong and healthy but how dif
ferent seem our purposes and
pursuits on the personal level.
To try and weigh and compare
two lands — the old-new land
Ireland and the young-old
America would be to play the
fool. Ireland is a land in which
one must be quiet and listen, not
rush and exhort. A reporter is
a fool within it, a philosopher is
baffled by it, and I simply was
at peace with it. Someday when
the world is sane again and puts
away its atomic playthings, it
may well beat a path to the door
of Ireland ask humbly from that
nation under God to show the
world how to draw up a blue
print of life, so that life on
earth may be what God intended
it to be for His children. In the
words of the poet-exile who on
seeing Ireland after a long sepa
ration looked out his porthole
and said:. . .
Ah, Ireland, isn’t it grand you
look
like a bride in her rich adorn
ing
and with all the pent up love in
my heart
I bid you the top of the morn
ing!
And to all of you, too.
The steamship Savannah
which sailed from Savannah for
Liverpool on May 20, 1817, was
the first steamship to cross
any ocean.
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TERMITES
SWARMING?
INDIA: REUNION IN MALABAR
NADUVlti is a village in Malabar in southern India. Recently
a new mission parish was begun there to serve the needs of 32
families, some 150 persons. They
had formerly been members of- the
Jacobite Church which from the
« : x f eenth century has been separ
ated from Rome . . . These new par-
i S3 i^hioners built a makeshift chapel of
I ^ bamboo and bamboo leaves to en
able their priest to celebrate Holy
Mass. This was the best their pov
erty could afford. The chapel isn’t
of much use when the Monsoons
blow. Nevertheless, their pastor has
gone ahead, holding services, admin
istering the sacraments, holding
catechism classes for the children. His Bishop has asked us to
help him. A modest yet solid chapel to withstand the rough
winds from the Indian Ocean will cost $3000 ... Maybe some
one would like to make a MEMORIAL CHAPEL there—a trib
ute to some loved one . . . Your donation of $1 or $5 or $10
can soon make this a reality. India is rich in vocations. Here is
an onportunity to strengthen the Church there and make more
real the spirit of union so sought by Pope Paul VI and the
Ecumenical Council.
The Holy Father’s Mission Aid
f or the Oriental Church
SEEING THE WHOLE BOARD
A checker expert explained it to us. A person like himself
defeats an amateur player because the latter only sees a few
moves ahead. The expert, studying the whole board, sees as
many as 40 moves ahead. He sets up traps for his amateur op
ponent which soon bring trouble to him . . . Borrowing the
image, we trv to show the whole mission board. We tell many
tittle bits of information about the widespread field of 18 coun
tries in the Near and Middle East where our work is done. For
instance, the problem of vocations.
1. You can educate a poor seminarian like JEAN KARCH,
for $2 a week for six years—$fi00 in all. Then another
priest is ready to devote a lifetime to the missions.
What a joy to know that and to realize it is partly be
cause of you!
2. Simllarlv you can train a Sister-to-be like SR MARY
LEONSY. for $3 a week for two years. You can pay in
installments. She will always be your missionary do-
in«r p-ood.
wV>o a FOOD PACKAGE (Cost: $10) to a
PALESTINE REFUGEE FAMILY, we’ll send an Olive Seed
Rosary, made and blessed in the Holv Land. In these cold Winter
davs a mother win he able to help feed her family for a month.
A thoughtful EASTER GIFT. A MASS—or anv other gift—in
another’s name, we’ll send a lovely EASTER GIFT CARD men
tioning your thoughtfulness.
tttf, r»A| T, ANn THE MISSION BOX
Sounds like a TV scrint. We’ve been watching a neighborhood
Lenten drama with absorbing interest. A young teen age lady is
denositing her allowance in her mission gift hox at home but is
0 ft» n tom bv her doll’s need for clothes. Of course the box
suffers at times . . . Still we think it’s wonderfful she is re-
memwirnr Hie missions. You can hein too bv joining one of
n«r not T dubs. Tbev aid LFPFRS. ORPHANS,
HPT P TO FT*UCATF, sfM»NARTANS ANP SISTERS. They
,Unheln build MISSION SCHOOLS and CHAPELS and FUR
NISH them. The SCHOOLS and CHAPELS range in cost from
S2 pLEASE RF,MEMBER OUR PRIESTS WITH YOUR MASS
STIPENDS, OFTEN THEIR DAILY SUPPORT.
Dear Monsignor Ryan:
Enclosed please find for.
Name
Street
City
Zone
. State
r&Uear
FRANCIS CARDINAL SPELLMAN, Pr«*i«Um
Msgr. T- *****
S«nd all cPwmMkotloM
CATHOLIC NEAR EAST WELFARE ASSOCIATION