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FAMILY CLINIC
By JOHN J. KANE, Ph.D.
Professor of Sociology
University of Notre Dame
I am almost 21 going with
a boy of 19. We love each
other and hope to marry in two
years when he completes
junior college. But what do I
say to people who make nasty
remarks about our age dif
ferences? Or should I say that
I am his age? I look quite
young. If you disagree with
this, can you suggest a dif
ferent approach?
* * * *
I am tempted to anwer your
question in one brief sentence.
Tell them, “It’s none of your
business”. Of course, it is
none of their business, and
it would remain none of their
business if you were ten or
twenty years older than he,
although I admit this would
arouse even more gossip. But
to reassure you, let me talk
a little about age differences
in marriage and just what
they really mean.
Students of the family have
a technical term, “age gra
dient”, to refer to differences
in age between husband and
wife. Put into plain English
it means that there is a
tendency for men to marry
women who are two to four
years younger than they. But
there are many exceptions to
this. Up until about the age
of 18, girls tend to mature
more quickly than men. Then
the boys catch up and usually
move ahead a little faster.
This is why some high school
and even grade school ro
mances, which incidentally
should not really exist in the
grade school at all, end up
by the boy finding a girl youn
ger than the one with whom
he originally went.
But if one wanted to be
completely logical about such
matters, and of course no one
is, it might be desirable for
men to marry women who are
a little older than they. The
reason is that the male’s life
expectancy is somewhat less
than that of a woman and if
this ever became the common
practice, the number of wid-
OFFICIAL ELEMENTARY
SCHOOL CALENDAR
1965 - 1966
September
6-
Labor Day — Holiday
November
1-
All Saints Day — Holiday
25-28
Thanksgiving Holidays
29-
School Resumes
December
8-
Immaculate Conception — Holiday
22- 2 Jan.
Christmas Holidays
January
3-
School Resumes
17-21
Examination Week
March
17-
St. Patrick’s Day — Holiday
April
7-11
Easter Holidays
12-
School Resumes
May
19-
Ascension Thursday — Holiday
«
30- 3 June Examination Week
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ows in our society would pro
bably decrease.
Your age difference is so
slight that I cannot honestly
believe it is an important
factor in your future mar
riage at all. If you both come
from the same type of back
ground, share a common re
ligion, have about the same
amount of education or if he
has more than you, all of these
things operate in your favor.
If you really believe you love
each other and are willing to
wait two years for him to
complete college, I see no
problem.
Now so far as those per
sons are concerned who make
nasty remarks about your age
difference, I think they are
busy bodies who ought to be
ignored. But you seem too
sensitive to ignore these re
marks and you suggest that
you state you are his age.
I am not a theologian, but in
American society it is diffi
cult to say that a woman
who lies about her age is
really committing a false
hood.
As a matter of fact, in our
society, it is considered in
the worst taste to ask a wo
man how old she is. There
are even legal provisions on
certain forms that a woman
is permitted to state she is
over twenty-one. If people ask
you how old you are, I would
simply fail to answer the ques
tion. You can do it very neatly
by turning the conversation
into another channel, and if
they don’t get the message,
they are unusually stupid. If
they persist, you might make
a remark to the effect that
you are old enough to know
what you are doing and dis
creet enough not to ask other
people embarrassing ques
tions.
Anyone who makes a nasty
remark to you about the slight
difference in the age of you
and your boy friend is scar
cely a friend. You might pon
der why these individuals feel
it necessary to insult you.
Frankly, they are really be-
.neath your notice. So steel
yourself a bit and simple ig
nore these remarks.
You might look around you
and notice how many married
couples there are where the
wife is older than the husband
and are apparently, com
pletely happy. What you really
want is a happy and successful
marriage. If in all sincerity
you believe you can have it
with this young man, then that
is the only thing that really
counts. But, if you really doubt
that because of the age dif
ference you cannot be happy,
then you better rethink the
matter through and start look
ing for another boy friend.
* * *
Dr. Kane will be unable to
answer personally. However,
he welcomes your suggestions
of topics that would par
ticularly interest you. Ad
dress Dr. Kane in care of this
newspaper.
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N.A.A.C.P. Replies To
Msgr. Toomey’s
The Southern Cross, September 2, 1965—PAGE 5
SISTER SISTERS—Sister Blandine, S.L. (left), and her
sister, Sister Antonia, S.L., teach grades one to eight at St.
Ambrose School in Cecilia, Ky. They have worked with each
other for 21 years, and their years of teaching total 110.
(NC Photos)
SAVANNAH DEANERY
Projects For Year
Discussed By Board
In response to Monsignor
John D. Toomey’s “Open Let
ter to Dr. Martin Luther King”
published in the last edition of
THE SOUTHERN CROSS, the
Savannah branch of the Na
tional Association for the Ad
vancement of Colored People,
has requested publication of
this reply!
Dear Monsignor Toomey:
We, the members of the
Savannah Branch of the
NAACP, agree with you that
“the lid is off in Los Angeles
and all hell has broken loose.’ ’
But, our agreement ends at
this point.
The purpose of this letter is
not to defend the Reverend
Doctor Martin Luther King,
for we are sure that he is
competent and able to defend
his actions and commitment
to the cause of justice and
equality for Negro Americans.
Hence, it is our desire to set
the record straight.
In the first place, we are
shocked to know of your holy
indignation about the Los An
geles riot, and at the same
time, you sat complacently by
and exercised a conspicious
silence when white Georgia
Dear Editor,
Monsignor Toomey’s letter
to Dr. Martin Luther King pre
sented eloquently one side of
the Civil Rights struggle. May
I present another?
The logical extension of
civil disobedience is revo
lution; the natural outcome of
segregation, is also, unfortu
nately, revolution. Theore
tically segregation is outlawed,
but in practice it still exists.
As long as the practice of
segregation continues, and as
long as the white power struc
ture continues to dole out,
grudgingly, to Negroes the
rights they are entitled to by
law, so long will the agitation
for equality continue. To de
mand that Negroes obey all
laws is Christian, but at the
moment, unrealistic. The Ne
groes have learned from white
people that passing laws is not
the solution to their ills.
Ten years ago, the Supreme
Court ordered the desegre
gation of all schools. This
order has not yet been com
plied with. In fact, many
Southern politicians, gover
nors included, have actively
advocated massive resistence
and disobedience to this law.
Bayonets were necessary to
desegregate some schools. If
then, disobedience to law is
sauce for the segregationist
goose, it must be sauce also,
for the integrationist gander.
The plea that Negroes obey
all laws loses much of its
power when so many leaders
of the southern communities
actually encourage disobe
dience to them!
■ Furthermore, most Ne
groes can have but a cynical
regard for segregationists
who, when forced with a loss
of Federal revenue hastily
filed desegregation laws, not
because the law said they
should, but because money
would be otherwise withheld.
The quarrel between black
and white has now overtones
of green!
The cause of the riots in
Los Angeles will be debated
for years to come. Two causes
Klansmen murdered Colonel
Penn on a Georgia highway.
You exercised an ominous si
lence when the white power
structure of Albany, Georgia
and Selma , Alabama perpe
trated the most beastly acts
against Negro citizens, be
cause they were attempting
to obtain the most elemental
rights which are guaranteed
by the constitution. You even
failed to publicily deplore the
murder of Medgar Evers in
Mississippi, Mrs. Viola Liuz-
zo in Alabama, and we have
been waiting for sounds of holy
indignation for the murder of
the young Episcopalian semi
narian, Jonathan M. Daniels,
last week in Alabama. Why not
be consistent Monsignor?
Letters to the Editor must
bear the signature and address
of the sender but names will
be withheld upon request. The
Southern Cross reserves the
right to edit all letters within
context.
Secondly, we find it diffi
cult to comprehend why you
found it so convenient to sit
down with Dick Gregory in
(which are unlikely to be taken
seriously by sociologists)
have in my opinion encour
aged such an outburst. In the
first place, the reason for the
riots was a desire to annoy
the white people. We whites
have indicated strongly that
we have a very high regard
for property. Sometimes we
value it apparently more than
human life, especially the Ne
groes. Hence, “Burn, Baby,
Burn,” represented a de
struction of our values and
values and valuables, and to
the glee of the Negroes and
the anquish of the whites,
property in Los Angeles con
tinued to burn.
Do not overlook the fact,
too, that while some who
hunger for justice are forced
into villiany, others chose it
willingly. The Christian Negro
knows that he should be loved;
since the white community will
not love him as a neighbor,
he is determined to qualify
as an enemy. Either way suits
him. We have the choice!
By all means take the knives
and Molotov cocktails from
Negro boys. Take away also
the shot guns and rifles and
dynamitesticks from the white
murderers. More important
take away from both sides
disrespect for the law. Let
the white legislators show as
much respect for law as they
request the Negro to have.
Otherwise, we are forced with
a continuation of this racial
trouble.
The forces which caused
the riots in Los Angeles are
in existence in Savannah, too.
Don’t be misled, as were those
in Los Angeles, into believing
that, “the atmosphere of peace
and tranquillity which we enjoy
in our community today” will
continue. It won’t, Monsignor,
unless people on both sides
of the racial question (and in
the middle) find a common
ground for debate, not based
on emotion or slogan but on
reason and justice.
Sincerely yours,
Fr. Timothy O’Dwyer
Savannah
Letter
Washington, D. C. and yet
you were not disposed to sit
in with Dick in Savannah, - when
he was trying to exercise his
constitutional right by reques
ting service at Burger Boy
here in Savannah.
Thirdly, we are unable to
understand your attempt to
minimize and scoff at the
suggestion of World peace
Force, when there will be no
victor or vanquished, from an
atomic holocaust which would
destroy the world. To equate
the L. A. riot with an atomic
war is both absurb and ludi
crous.
Fourthly, you cannot offer
absolution to the white race
by telling your white country
men that “we white people
share the blame for the con
ditions which led to the riot
ing. But we did not do the
looting and burning and shoot
ing.” Yes, you and your white
brothers are responsible for
the looting, burning and shoot
ing, for an oppressed people
can only contain their anger
and fury so long. To deny
people the most elemental
rights—the right to earn a
living, the right to live any
where and the right to a de
cent education—and then com
pound these denials with bar
baric police brutality which
is officially condoned is asking
too much.
The National Association
for the Advancement of Color
ed People has never condoned
violence, and it is regrettable
that inept city officials have
done nothing to upgrade the lot
of the down-trodden Negro
citizen in Los Angeles.
Nevertheless, the Negro in
Los Angeles, like the Negro
all over America, is disil
lusioned, for he has a civil
Rights Bill, Voting Rights Bill
and he is still a second class
citizen. Negroes are angry
because of a largely callous
and indifferent white society.
Your church, Monsignor
Toomey, in Los Angeles,
shares some of the blame,
for Francis Cardinal Mc
Intyre, the Roman Catholic
Archbishop of Los Angeles,
has forbidden priests of the
archdiocese to be involved
in the Civil Rights struggle.
The most regrettable and the
most inconceivable fact is that
Cardinal McIntyre has even
forbidden priests to preach
on the subject. Where did Ne
gro Catholics in Los Angeles
have to turn for help except
to the mob and extremists
for solace. We are urging
you, Monsignor Toomey, to
use your influence with the
Cardinal of Los Angeles.
Write him a letter!
We trust that you will con
tinue to work for racial jus
tice in our community, but
we also hope and pray that
you will not lose persepctive
regarding the plight of the
Negro and blame Dr. King,
thus, aiding and abbetting the
radical right elements in our
community.
Yours sincerely,
W.W. Law, President
Savannah Branch, NAACP
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A Civil Defense course in
medical self-help, a teacher
training course for the schools
of religion of the Confrater
nity of Christian Doctrine, a
workshop on Parliamentary
Procedure, a visit to the State
Hospital at Milledgeville, and
a book review at the Notre
Dame Book Shop were among
the plans for the coming year
announced by committee
chairmen at the annual din
ner meeting of the Board of
Directors of the Savannah
Deanery Council of Catholic
Women held on August 26 at
the Downtowner Motor Inn.
The Public Relations and In
ternational Relations chair
men announced jointly the
showing of a documentary,
“An American White Paper:
U. S. Foreign Policy - 1945-
65”. on Channel 3 % WSAV-TV
on Tuesday, September 7 at
7:30 P. M. They cited the im
portance of viewing this pro
gram since it will provide a
valuable background for dis
cussion of U. S. foreign po
licy today, especially regard
ing Viet Nam and the Domi
nican Republic.
Mrs. William P. Schneider,
first vice-president, spoke
concerning the summer pro
gram of the Foreign Relief
Committee which oversees the
collection of food for Viet
Nam.
Announcement was made by
Mrs. A. K. Gannam, president,
that the fall luncheon meeting
of the Deanery will be held
on September 30 in St. James
Parish preceded by a Mass
at U A. M.
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