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FAMILY CLINIC
By JOHN J. KANE, Fh.t)
Professor of Sociology
University of Notre Dame
We have been married over
twenty years, separated
twice, the second time for
eight years. My husband said
we were too different, so he
left. I know there is another
woman but my husband will
occasionally drop in for an
hour or so but refuses to
discuss our situation. I pinch
myself to make sure this is
true. Is he ill? This is a tough
position because I can do
nothing.
* * *
This certainly is a “tough
position” in which you find
yourself. Your patience has
been unusual. Perhaps, even
undesirable. For eight years
you seem to have nursed a
phantom hope that somehow,
sometime, your husband will
leave this other woman,
return to you and together
you will live happily after. I
doubt it. So, apparently, do
you.
You did not supply many
details in your letter except
to state that this was the
second separation. There was
a reconciliation once, and
then a subsequent separation.
This one does seem to be
final but not complete since
he continues to visit you
occasionally.
His only expressed reason
for leaving was that you and
he were too different which
can mean almost anything. It
may be cold comfort to read
this now but at that time you
should have insisted on
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marriage counseling in order
to have spelled out how or
why you were different. At
that time there was an
opportunity, or at least may
have been an opportunity, of
attempting some mutual
adjustment.
But if there were another
woman, the reputed
differences were only a
pretext for leaving. Even the
problem of another woman
however might have been
resolved then.
He seems to be a rather
indecisive man, to put it
mildly. But to put it bluntly,
I doubt this will be resolved
after a pattern of eight years.
Perhaps it is worth a try.
Since he refuses to discuss
the matter of your
separation, you must enlist
help. In your letter you
mentioned a married
daughter with whom he is in
contact. Have you ever talked
it over with her? Could she
possibly have some influence
with her father and help him
to see how very unfair he is?
He is quite unjust even if
he had adequate reasons for
seeking a separation, which I
do not claim. You are in an
untenable position on a
number of counts. First,
while he does help support
you now, you have no
guarantee that this will
continue. Second, in the
event of his death, unless
your state laws take care of
it, you would lose what
support he now provides and
might receive nothing from
his estate.
If he continues to refuse
to discuss the problem, then
on your own you should
consult a lawyer to discover
where you would stand in the
event of his death. Perhaps
the lawyer could ask him to
come in and talk this aspect
of the matter over.
You should also see one of
the parish priests for some
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clarification of your position
and assistance. While I am not
sanguine about it, a priest
may be able to reach him -
but after eight years this is
going to prove difficult.
What you euphemistically
describe as separation may be
legally termed desertion since
he does refuse to live with
you and has taken no legal
steps toward a separation or
divorce. Here again, an
attorney’s advice is essential.
You ask whether or not he
is ill. I presume you mean
mentally ill and I can only
answer that I do not know.
His behavior is certainly
unusual. When men desert
they tend to disappear and
cease providing any kind of
support. If or when they do
return to their wives it is
usually in hope of a
reconciliation. Yet your
husband visits you and
adamantly refuses even to
talk of a reconciliation.
To me the question of
your own mental health
seems even more important.
Just how you have stood up
under this prolonged crisis is
not readily clear. Apparently
you have considerable
psychic -resources, and
obviously you theorize that
while the present situation
continues, all hope is not lost.
If you really believe this,
and now you certainly are
wavering, no change in the
situation seems likely. You
are going to have to force
matters a bit with the full
realization that even the
tenuous bonds which still
exist may be severed. I think
your own indecision is
traceable to this.
But a solution grows more
essential every day as the
anguish in your letter
indicates. Is it better to
continue to live on a very
slender hope or take action
which may either bring your
husband back or alienate him
completely? The answer can
only be yours. To me it seems
the risk is worth taking.
I suggest you take the
steps I have suggested and be
guided by the advice of those
you consult.
To continue in this
borderline state in which
your anxiety daily increases is
impossible. You may not get
your husband back. Please
face that. But at least your
present dubious situation will
be clarified.
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The Southern Cross, May 2, 1968—PAGE 5
Days Of
Certitude Gone
Editor:
In response to the series of
letters in commentation and
extension of Mrs. Lloyd’s
thought-provoking letter,
‘Where’s Our Heritage?’, I
would like to offer a few
reflections.
In particular I notice in
reading into the various views
of many concerned
Christians, an evident
difference of expression, the
quasi-opposition between the
young and the not so young.
By young I refer to one’s
attitude towards life, not age.
A young person, whether
considered ‘conservative’ or
‘liberal’, is a person open to
life, a person who responds to
the call of growth and
renewal.
There is something about
youth that should be
synonymous with
Christianity. After all, we are
the living, growing, and
dynamic “Body of Christ.”
The Church now appears
to be an adolescent; with all
the change and growth
involved, naturally, the pain,
doubt, confusion and tension
of growth must follow. The
call of Christ is to continual
growth and deeper
involvement; let us not
Convention
Coverage
Editor:
On behalf of all the CYO
members, I thank you for the
superb press coverage of their
convention.
Mr. Markwalter and Mr.
Ward did an excellent work
of catching the highlights in
picture and script, it will
make a memorable scrapbook
addition.
May I use this public
medium to express gratitude
to all who contributed to the
success of the convention,
the kindly Savannah hosts,
and especially Father
Simmons, Mrs. Patty Schreck,
and Mrs. Gay Paul. We are
deeply indebted for their
good work.
Sincerely in Christ,
Father Wellmeier
CYO Diocesan Director.
Likes
Editorials
Editor:
Please allow an
Episcopalian to thank you for
your forthright editorials in
The Southern Cross,
especially since the
assassination of Martin
Luther King. You have
fearlessly championed what
many of us believe to be the
Christian cause. One must
import a newspaper from far
away in order to find a
similar witness.
Faithfully yours,
The Rev. Fr. Harry W. Shipps
Holy Apostles
Episcopal Church
Savannah
devote
energies
our powers and
to ameliorate and
discard the current tension
and frustration by
subordinating the immanent
problems of our urban-secular
society. The days of certitude
and security of just a few
years ago are happily gone,
never to reappear.
Though there is a romantic
beauty and real value to the
endeavors of the Middle Ages,
its static spirit cannot be the
motivation of dynamic
contemporary man. Its spirit
was characterized by a ‘flight
from the world’, there was a
rigid dichotomy between the
sacred and the ‘profane’.
Obviously, such a spirit is the
bane of the spirit of Vatican
II.
But many somewhat
naively look to the past for
the security and certitude
that the Jesus of growth and
renewal never promised. He
beckons us forward to
progress towards His fullness.
Our hope is only in the future
and our hope is the future.
The radical preaching of
Jesus cannot be accommo
dated to our little narcissistic
world. He asks us to break
away from our selfishness and
littleness, to say ‘yes’ to life.
But we reject Him, we reject
Him through the crass
injustices of our outmoded
triumphalism, in our
structuring of limited
boundaries of “charity” in
our perpetuation of a war
based on an infantile
American myth, and most
poignantly, our white racism.
We are living in an age of
increasing complexity, we
will stagnate as a growing
“Body” if this complexity is
not paralleled by
consciousness and the,
response that should follow
suit.
Anyone who is familiar
with the works of Marshall
McLuhan is aware of the role
of the mass media in feeding
our consciousness. And few
people are not reached by the
mass media. There can be
little excuse for not knowing
the crisis conditions of the
present world, yet the the
response is not up to par.
A few years ago the late
Martin Luther King Jr. held a
mirror up to our faces:
“Honesty impels us to
admit that religious bodies in
America have not been
faithful to their prophetic
misson in the question of
racial animosity, the church
too often has been content to
mouth pious irrelevancies and
sanctimonious trivialities.”
The question that the
Lord of Life puts before us
must be answered; we are free
to say ‘yes’ or ‘no’, to choose
‘life’ or ‘death’, but the
responsibility is much greater
and the time is crucial. He
asks not for mere external
observances, but a true
change of heart. The
contemporary need is for
loving, serving Samaritans,
but unfortunately, the blind
Pharisees still reign.
Yes John, we may truly
say, “the Emperor wears no
clothes!”
Michael Hampton Lloyd S.M.
Marist Seminary
Washington, D.C.
BRUNSWICK FIRST COMMUNION - Thirty-four children received their First Holy Communion
on Holy Thursday (April 11) at St. Francis Xavier Church, Brunswick. Pictured with First
Communicants are Father Michael Collins, S.M., pastor and Sister Rose de Lima, C.S.J. Children
received Eucharist with their parents and a reception was held after Mass so that the parish might
celebrate with the Communicants and their families. (Gil Tharp Photo)
ON BISHOPS’RACE PLAN
Negro Priests’ Caucus
Takes ‘Wait-See’ Stand
ST. LOUIS (NC) -
Representatives of the Black
Catholic Caucus, which met
recently in Detroit and
labeled the Roman Catholic
Church a “primarily white,
racist institution,” came to
the spring meeting of the
National Conference of
Catholic Bishops’ here and
presented copies of the
statement they issued in
Detroit, to all the bishops.
A spokesman for the
group, Father George
Clements of Chicago,
indicated at a press
conference that the caucus
did not expect a response
from the bishops at this time,
but would try to meet with
the bishops at their fall
meeting in Washington, D. C.
Father Clements said the
Detroit statement which
insists on black leadership for
the Church in the ghetto
means “that if th ^ is going
to be any mission 9 at all,
it will have to be n cted by
black people.”
r-s\ He named Aux li-.ry
Bishop Harold R. Perry,
S.V.D., of New Orleans, only
Negro in the American
hierarchy, as being
instrumental in preparing the
document and cited Bishop
Perry as the type of Negro
leader the Church needs.
Father Clements, acting as
spokesman for the priests,
said the bishops’ statement
on race adopted at their
meeting here, “is surrounded
by generalities, so we are
going to wait to see what
their action program consists
of. Until that is completed
and implemented, we cannot
evaluate the statement fully.”
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those attending are pictured with Father Martin.
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Bishop John J. Wright of
Pittsburgh, chairman of the
Social Action Department,
U.S. Catholic Conference,
said at the time the statement
was issued that it would have
two parts-the first “to set the
moral and spiritual basis” for
detailed action programs to
come later.
According to Bishop
Wright, the statement by the
Negro priests * who met in
Detroit was passed out (April
25) “too late for any of the
bishops to have time to read
it thoroughly or study it
thoroughly.”
Father Clements told
newsmen that the black
priests had no intention to
establish a Negro exarchate
apart from the white Church,
but called strongly for the
bishops “to establish a
department within the USCC
to deal with black people and
their problems and with a
black priests as its head. We
do not see ourselves outside
the framework of the
American Catholic Church.”
Father Clements also
called for using the black
priests and Religious in
positions where they could be
“more relevant.”
Father Clements added
that more than half of the 58
priests who met in Detroit
expressed dissatisfaction with
their present assignments and
a desire to work with black
people in the ghetto areas.
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