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PAGE 5 — December 11. 1969
FAMILY CLINIC
By John J. Kane, Ph. D.
Professor of Sociology
University of Notre Dame
I am a man in my
seventies, just recently
married. My wife talks about
me all the time, on the
phone, to the neighbors, and
even when I can hear her. She
gets as much money as I do
but demands more. Then she
goes out of the room or hides
when she’s angry. I pay the
rent and help with the food
but she doesn’t think this is
anything. I left her once but
came back. What can I do?
* * *
On the basis of your letter
it appears to me that you are
doing what a number of aged
men and women are doing
who are unmarried. In order
to make it possible to get
along on a lowered income,
they get married and try to
share expenses. Providing one
gets the right partner, this
may be a satisfactory solution
to the economic needs of
some of the aged. But just as
in younger marriages, so in
older marriages, there can be
serious problems.
You did not state when
you married but my
impression is that it was
probably in your late sixties.
As I have often written in this
column, the marriage of a
person, never married before,
who is up in years, is a matter
of considerable adjustment to
both parties. I realize that
your marriage was probably
prompted by sheer economic
necessity, but perhaps you
should have thought a little
longer and more carefully
about it. However, at this
point it does little good to
say that. The problem that
both you and your wife face
is how to adjust to each other
and get along satisfactorily in
the married state. Can it be
done?
You say that she
constantly talks about you to
friends, neighbors, on the
phone, and so forth. Are you
completely certain that what
she says is really derogatory?
Or do you perhaps imagine
what she says is derogatory?
At your age it is quite
possible perhaps to miss some
of what is being said and
particularly to misinterpret
what is being said. So at the
outset I would ask that you
be quite certain that your
wife is saying things against
you.
If this is the case, I wonder
what her motives are?. Do you
give her cause for criticizing
you? Or is she a person who
enjoys nagging? I simply do
not know, but I think the
basis of the problem is
economic.
Before any solution can be
found to the kinds of
problems you are having, I
believe there has to be a very
forthright discussion about
the economic aspects of your
family situation. Perhaps you
and your wife could sit down
and tell each other quite
honestly the amount of
money you will receive each
month. Then some kind of a
budget ought to be worked
out whereby you bear
expenses as equally as
possible. Your wife must
remember that you are no
longer a working man and
you are scarcely in a position
to support her without
assistance. My own guess, as
noted above, is that you
married to pool your
resources and thus have a
better life economically
speaking. If possible, a small
amount of spending money
should be set aside for each
one of you after all the
necessities have been taken
care of.
If you happen to receive a
somewhat larger allowance
than your wife, then I think
you have to be willing to
share this with her. You do
have this obligation in
married life and I think it is
particularly pressing in a
marriage such as yours. But I
think it would be
considerably better if both of
you were to go to Catholic
Social Service or one of the
parish priests to see if you
could not get some assistance
in working out this budget.
Undoubtedly, people in
Catholic Social Service would
be more acquainted with the
expenses of a married couple
in your years than perhaps
the average priest. It is true
that many older people live in
very difficult financial straits
and you and your wife
apparently are among them.
So that the kind of advice
you would receive would be
not only about how to split
up your money perhaps, but
also where to buy, what to
buy and when to buy, so that
you could make the most out
of whatever income you have.
It is amazing how much
money can be saved if people
shop carefully. Incidentally,
this might well be a joint
venture for each of you, and
thus give you something more
in common, providing of
course that you can agree.
If a settlement can be
reached to the agreement of
each about how money is to
be spent, I think it will go a
long way to clearing up the
other problems that you
mention. However, when you
do go to the Catholic Social
Service, and I hope you will, I
think you should discuss this
matter very frankly and
honestly with them. It may
be that either one or both of
you needs psychological
counseling. If your wife does
leave the room or hides from
you, this seems to be a rather
cruel type of behavior,
particularly since your letter
seems to indicate that you
feel a deep need for her
companionship. It is certainly
unfortunate that at your age
you have to suffer this kind
of problem along with all the
other infirmities that come
with added years.
I hope you will take this
advice very seriously and I
hope your wife will, too. It
may very well be that a few
visits to a counselor at the
Catholic Social Service will
mean that the latter part of
both of your lives can be
spent much more happily and
pleasantly than it is being
spent now.
AT SUBCOMMITTEE MEETING
Equality Need Cited
WASHINGTON (NC) -
The executive director of
Citizens for Educational
Freedom (CEF) told the
House General Subcommittee
on Education here that
survival of the country’s
nonpublic schools depends on
the federal government’s
willingness to guarantee all
citizens their right to an
education.
William G. Polking
asserted all segments of
American society should be
committed to insuring the
survival of nonpublic
education since, he said, the
nonpublic school system
serves the same public
purpose as the public school
system.
The House subcommittee,
under Rep. Roman Pucinski
of Illinois, has been taking
testimony on a series of bills
regarding federal assistance to
education.
Msgr. James C. Donohue,
director of the division of
elementary and secondary
education, United States
Catholic Conference, told the
subcommittee earlier that the
financial crisis which has
forced the closure of many
Catholic schools has
contributed to a similar crisis
in public education. Thus, he
said, it is “sound public
policy” for the government
to increase public assistance
to nonpublic education.
CEF, a 10-year-old private
nonsectarian organization
which has been in the
forefront of the fight for
public assistance to nonpublic
school children, was
represented by Polking,
Herbert Van Denend of
Hawthorne, N.J., national
president of CEF, Melvin M.
Kieschnick, superintendent of
Christian education for the
Michigan district ' of the
Lutheran Church-Missouri
Synod, and Mrs. Marilyn
Lundy, Grosse Pointe Shores,
Mich.
Polking cited enactment of
the landmark Elementary and
Secondary Education Act of
1965 as “the precedent for
committing the federal
government to the inclusion
of private and parochial
school children in federal
education programs.”
Polking endorsed a bill
introduced by Rep. James J.
Delaney of New York which
authorizes a two-vpar
program of financial aid for
all elementary and secondary
school children in the United
States. The measure would
provide an annual direct
subsidy for each child
whether he attends a public
or a nonpublic school.
To qualify for future
federal assistance, Polking
added, nonpublic schools
must meet specific standards
of quality education so that
such aid will reinforce rather
than diminish assistance to
public schools.
He also called for the
creation of a permanent
Commission for Nonpublic
Education in the Office of
the U.S. Commissioner of
Education to oversee and
enforce the rights of private
and parochial schools.
Van Denend said
education cannot exist
without an underlying
philosophy. “If we accept the
fact that we are a pluralistic
society with respect to
underlying philosophies, then
we can only reach the
conclusion that all
educational systems must be
considered equally eligible for
support,” he stated.
T ransplants
Doris Answers
YOUTH
BY DORIS REVERE PETERS
(continued from page 4)
used as a storage for organs as
potential transplants,” he
said.
He cited the case of a
patient who received severe
brain injuries in an
automobile accident, but was
sustained for nealy nine years
through artificial means.
“The estimated cost for
maintaining his existence was
about $50,000 a year, paid in
this case by compensation
insurance. He died suddenly
of no apparent cause. No
disease was found other than
to his brain at death,” he
related.
Father McKeever
explained what is meant by
“extraordinary care in a
CHICAGO (NC)-The
executive director of the
National Catholic Conference
for Interracial Justice has
urged southern bishops not to
let Catholic schools become
“havens” for segregationists
in the wake of the U.S.
Supreme Court’s ruling
ordering immediate
desegregation of public
schools.
“The experience of
racially changing northern
urban neighborhoods clearly
indicates that where public
schools begin to desegregate,
the Catholic school is sought
as a white refuge to
circumvent the substance and
spirit of the law,” James T.
Harris said in a letter to 19
Church leaders in 11 southern
states.
Harris called on the
bishops to be on guard
against “any sudden influx in 1
registrations-especially by
non-Catholics-at or near the
theological sense.”
“Pope Pius (XII) in
speaking before a group of
physicians in 1957 reminded
them that use of artificial and
extraordinary means in
resuscitation of such patients
is not morally required,” he
said.
Extraordinary in a
theological sense means:
‘Whatever here and now is
very costly or very unusual or
very painful or difficult of
very dangerous, or if the good
effects that can be expected
from its uses are not
proportionate to the
difficulty and inconveniences
that are entailed.’ Use of this
principle would solve many
of the medical problems in
these difficult cases,” Father
McKeever advised.
time local public schools
begin to implement a
desegregation plan.”
He warned that Catholic
schools “could be co-opted
by diehard racists who wish
to use them as quasi-legal
sanctuaries for lily-white
education.”
“The Catholic Church
must never permit itself to
become the unwitting tool of
southern racism,” the NCCIJ
director said.
Harris’ letter was sent to
Church leaders in Mobile,
Ala., Little Rock, Ark.,
Orlando, St. Augustine, St.
Petersburg and Miami, Fla.,
Atlanta and Savannah, Ga.,
Owensboro and Louisville,
Ky. Alexandria, Baton
Rouge, Lafayette and New
Orleans, La., Jackson, Miss.,
Belmont, N.C., Charleston,
S.C., Richmond, Va., and
Wheeling, W. Va. The letter
was made public (Dec.7) by
NCCIJ headquarters here.
HOW LONG FOR A
GOOD—NIGHT KISS?
Dear Doris:
I can’t ask my mother this.
And I would rather not ask
any of my girl friends because
they would think 1 am dumb.
When a boy and girl kiss how
long should it last? My boy
friend usually just kisses me
goodnight, but one night
recently he didn’t leave right
away and I had the feeling
our kisses were too long.
Wondering
Dear Wondering:
If your feelings registered
a “too long” signal, then the
kiss was too long. Instincts
have a way of alerting us.
And usually they are reliable
barometers. You will be far
from dumb if you pay
attention to your instincts.
To keep your dating
activities within manageable
limits avoid any prolonged
kissing. Keep it brief and light
and of the “had-a-good time;
good night” variety.
You could bring a stop
watch on your next date.
This might damage the
fellow’s ego but it might also
be the smart way of putting
the good-night-kiss in its
proper perspective.
SHAPING UP
BOY FRIEND
Dear Doris:
I’m dating a perfectly
swell guy but my parents
don’t like him. I think it’s
because he looks so sloppy
and doesn’t seem to care
about the way he dresses.
Sometimes his grooming
bothers me but I guess I’m
Dear Kim:
Begin with a compliment
rather than a complaint.
Notice when he looks neater
than usual and treat him to a
dose of real social approval.
Sample: “You must have
spent a lot of time getting
ready tonight, you sure look
neat.”
Or you might try taking
his picture. Cameras don’t lie.
They have a knack of
pinpointing flaws. When he
sees himself he may get the
message. And you could help
it along by commeting on the
picture, blaming the flaws on
a crooked tie and the wind
which messed up his hair.
SHORTEST IN CLASS
Dear Doris:
My problem is that I’m the
shortest girl in my class. I’m
14 and a freshman in high
school. I’m not quite five feet
tall. The girls think I’m cute
but the boys don’t pay
attention to me. What can I
do to attract them?
M.B.
Dear M.B.:
Don’t despair. Your
problem is only temporary as
few teens have reached their
adult height by the time they
are 14. By 16 or 17 most of
you, girls and boys alike, will
be nearer your permanent
height.
Even if being short turns
out to be one of your
physical traits don’t worry.
Boys like girls to be shorter
than themselves. And I’m
sure you know girls in school
who bemoan the fact that
they are much taller than the
boys.
pleasing personality have
much more to do with
popularity than your height.
***
Mrs. Peters answers letters
through her column, not by
mail. Please do not ask for a
personal reply. Young readers
are invited to write her in
care of this paper.
TO BE HOST TO POPE -
Archbishop Janus R. Knox
of Melbourne, Victoria,
Australia, who will be host to
Pope Paul VI when the
Pontiff visits Melbourne for
the 40th International
Eucharistic Congress in 1973,
is a verteran of the Vatican
Diplomatic Corps, which he
joined in 1948. He worked in
Rome and in Japan, became
Apostolic Delegate to British
East and West Africa, and in
1957 became Intemuncio to
India. He has^e^rchbishop
of Melbourne since 1967.
(NC Photo)
getting used to it. However, I
would like to give him a hint Don’t do anything out of
or two before he has to see h the ordinary to attract boys,
my parents again. Any ideas? either now or later. Youi
Kim natural friendliness and a
SCHOOL SEGREGA TION
Bishops Told
Of Threat
Bishops’ Spokesman Asks More Education Aid
WASHINGTON (NC)-The
director of the Division of
Elementa-y and Secondary
Education, United States
Catholic Conference (USCC),
told a congressional
subcommittee it is “sound
public policy” to extend
increased public assistance to
nonpublic education.
Msgr. James C. Donohue
said the present financial
crisis in Catholic education is
contributing, “inadvertently
but unavoidably,” to the
financial crisis in public
education.
“The reason is obvious,”
he said. “When children leave
a Catholic school which has
closed or been forced to cut
back its operations for
financial reasons, they do not
vanish. They go to school
somewhere else, and
‘somewhere else’ means the
local public school.
“The dollars and cents
implications for public
schools are clear.” Msgr.
Donohue continued. “The
more former students of
Catholic schools enroll in
public schools, the more
public schools will be obliged to
provide additional teachers,
classrooms, equipment and
materials-and this at
precisely the time when they
are increasingly hard pressed
for funds. Indeed, the
conclusion seems inescapable
that the present financial
crisis in public education is
made worse by the financial
crisis in nonpublic
education,” he stated.
Noting that Catholic
elementary and secondary
school enrollment declined
by three-quarters of a million
students in the last five years,
Msgr. Donohue said it would
be a “tragic error” to suppose
this statistic reflects a
problem for Catholic schools
only. The enrollment decline
Catholic schools have
suffered in recent years has
had a “direct and immediate”
impact on the public sector
of American education, he
asserted.
Public assistance must be
forthcoming to both sectors
of American education if the
overall crisis is to be
alleviated, the priest
suggested.
Msgr. Donohue, the U.S.
bishops’ chief spokesman on
Catholic schools, gave a
statement before the general
subcommittee on education,
Committee on Education and
Labor, in the House of
Representatives. He was
accompanied by Dr. Edward
R. D’Alessio, coordinator of
governmental programs for
the division of elementary
and secondary education, and
William R. Consedine, USCC
general counsel.
The House subcommittee
is considering a series of bills
regarding federal assistance to
education. Four of the bills
which propose specific
programs of federal assistance
also attempt to make some
provision for the
participation of private
nonprofit schools and their
pupils in the benefits of the
federal funds.
Msgr. Donohue said he
wished to emphasize that the
precise vehicle or mechanism
by which aid is directed to
nonpublic schools is of less
importance now than
recognition of the principle
that such aid should be
forthcoming
But he mentioned several
“priorities’’ among the
nonpublic school needs, and
suggested ways in which the
bills under consideration
could, in his view, be
improved.
Chief among priority
needs of nonpublic schools,
Msgr. Donohue said, are
support of instructional
personnel costs, and financial
assistance for teaching
equipment, materials and
facilities in order to improve
the quality of instructional
services.
“It is in these areas that
rising expenses most seriously
affect the ability of private
nonprofit schools to
continue, and federal
assistance, if it is to be
meaningful, must take this
fact into consideration,” he
said.
With regard to equipment
and facilities, Msgr. Donohue
said Catholic schools are open
to arrangements whereby title
is vested in public officials,
“provided only that their
students have fair and
unimpeded access to such
equipment and facilities.”
Msgr. Donohue noted that
two of the bills under
consideration-one which
seeks to provide a system of
federal grants to local
education agencies for raising
teacher salaries, and another
which seeks to provide a
national program of
assistance to the states for
“achieving equalized
excellence in schools”-would
take the total number of all
school-age children into
consideration in determining
the amount of assistance. But
he complained that the bills
are not now constructed in a
way which would guarantee
that nonpublic school
children would share
equitably in the eventual
benefits accruing for them.
ASKS MORE AID TO EDUCATION - Msgr. James C. Donohue (center), speaking for the U.S.
Catholic Conference, told a congressional subcommittee (Dec. 3) it is “sound public policy” to
extend increased public assistance to nonpublic education He was accompanied by Dr. Edward R.
D’Alessio (left), coordinator of governmental programs for the USCC division of elementary and
secondary education, (and right) George E. Reed, USCC associate general counsel. (NC Photo)
“If our goal is excellence
and equalization of
opportunity, the federal act
should include provision for
equal sharing of federal funds
to improve the educational
opportunity available to
children in private nonprofit
schools,” Msgr. Donohue
stated.
“A requirement that states
utilize the federal grants to
purchase secular educational
services to provide salary
supplements to teachers of
secular subjects, or to provide
facilities for secular education
of children in private
nonprofit schools could be
included,” he suggested.
Noting that another bill
would provide federal grants
for construction of
elementary and secondary
schools and supplemental
educational centers, Msgr.
Donohue said that in a
construction program,
“Congress should provide in
clear language for facilities
for private nonprofit school
children in the secular areas
of education which have been
recognized by some states
and the courts.”
Msgr. Donohue said a bill
introduced by Rep. JamesJ.
Delaney of New York-which
would provide parents with
an annual educational grant
to be made available to
whatever recognized school
their child attends-could be
strengthened by the adoption
of provisions to make clear
that private nonpublic
schools are free to use
payments only for the
so-called secular aspects of
education provided the
children in those institutions.
“Any future federal
assistance to education
program should spell out
clearly the recongnized
prohibition in use of public
funds . for ‘religious’
instruction or worship,”
Msgr. Donohue said. “But
such prohibition need not
inhibit the federal
government in its legitimate
purpose of improving the
‘secular’ education of all
children.”