Newspaper Page Text
PAGE 5-May 22, 1975
*
Single Life Has
Meaning
BY MARY MAHER
We, who have the Western mindset deeply
embedded in our consciousness, are prone to
find it easier to live out of an “either/or”
mentality than a “both/and” mentality. This
allows us the luxury of neat opposites that we
find comforting: black versus white issues;
women’s liberation or men’s liberation, church
or state, pain or pleasure. Many realities that we
call “opposites” are not so but are
complementary units of one whole view. Such
is the case of viewing single life as an opposite
style from married life. When so done it carries
the erroneous connotations of opposites like
“unfulfilled, fulfilled” or “abnormal, normal.”
We have long outgrown (hopefully!) the idea
that single life is the residue which one does not
choose but which is thrust upon him by virtue
of not embracing celibacy or marriage. It is no
longer the time for Victorian nicities such as
that. Single life may be as normal, fulfilled as
any life style. It simply differs in its way of
finding meaning.
Single life is a complement of married life.
The universal law is that life complements life;
Spiritual
BY KATIE RITCHIE
life styles are not naturally adversaries of each
other. We all are what we integrate into the
fabric of our persons. Some single people live
the desperation of a Neil Diamond song:
“I am, I said;
No one’s there
And no one heard at all,
Not even the chair
I am, I cried;
I am, said I.”
Other single people are living very fully,
growing, aware that aloneness is a condition
each man must sooner or later face if he is to
know depth of existence, not simply breadth.
But the very same could be said of married
persons. Some persons just embrace life at
greater cost, greater risk, greater involvement
than others. It is mysterious that a Camus lived
in his small dwelling indeed near so much
French non-life. All life seeks union. Auguste
Rodin’s marvelous work, “The Hand of God,”
shows man and woman in God’s hand, actually
clay of the hand in the forms of reaching out
Growth
our community continues to pray, to love and
forgive and to work out problems.
towards each other, struggling to reach union in
the hand. Man cannot live very fully without
intimacy; it is bread of his being. Indeed
Genesis says, “It is not good for man (Adam) to
be alone.” Undoubtedly that text holds deep*
masculine-feminine union connotations. But it
does go beyond this interpretation, too. It
reaches out to say that man is not truly man
alone. He is man when he is with others, even
when he is alone. “Single life” is almost an
impossibility other than for Melville’s “isolato.”
Men and women who are by reason of their
choice, living alone are not necessarily alone.
They may share life deeply. They may not.
Whatever the style of life one consents to or
embraces, it is first a question of how they view
life.
It is too romantic by far to believe that most
men who live, live fully. It is equally romantic
to believe that man chooses his life situation in
many cases. However Promethean each of us
may think we are, the truth always comes back
to us. We are limited in our freedom to live
fully as we wish. Bernard Lonergan helps us to
understand this. He points out that we have an
essential freedom which is man’s basic ability to
choose from many among various courses of
action. A blind man has choice. But effective
freedom is the options we can choose. That
same blind man cannot walk as freely as a
sighted man. Our family background; our
heritage, economic, social or religious and our
genetic make-up both limit our situation and
extend it. Some single persons may not choose
singleness just as some married persons grow
out of choosing marriage.
Several months ago when I was approached
about writing this article on the “single state,” I
thought for a moment and asked, “What,
exactly, do you want me to write about?” The
answer was, “That’s up to you. Just consider
the possibility for a while and let us know
whether you want to do it or not.”
At first, I wondered what I had to write
about - I haven’t any unusual problems or
frustrations - then I began to think about my
life and how it has evolved. And I started asking
myself, /‘Why are you satisfied?” Then I
realized that I wasn’t always this happy.
Several years ago when I joined the Catholic
Bulletin in St. Paul, Minn., they told me to “go
find out something about the Catholic
Pentecostals so someone can answer all these
questions.”
I wasn’t enthusiastic about the assignment.
But what could I do? I had avoided Mass and
the sacraments for a few years. I felt the
Church was a political body. It lacked
democracy. Yes, I was a radical. So going to a
prayer meeting was my idea of real trial.
But that prayer meeting turned out to be
something special -- there was something there.
So I continued going long after my assignment
was finished. And I found God and lost my
journalistic cynicism.
One of the first things I discovered was Jesus’
existence and His love for me. Suddenly the
Catholic Church, which I had been bom into
but had gradually gotten tired of, came real. I
discovered that God was truly God and He had
a perfect right to tell me what to do.
Mass and the sacraments became a source of
real joy to me with a real hunger for Jesus and
His love. Jesus’ healing power in confession
came to me through an understanding
confessor.
Gradually, I learned to forgive. I learned to
accept the fact that people were not perfect -
myself included. When I stopped judging
people, there was a decided improvement in my
outlook on life. This was reflected in my work
as well. My photographs literally mirrored my
change of heart.
Because I was a photographer, I was given
the opportunity to go to Israel. This reinforced
my new religious experience. Being in the land
where Christianity began gave me more insight.
All of our gifts -- spiritual and material --
belong to the whole household. The selfishness
which can be a part of being single is
disappearing from my life. My car isn’t mine
when someone else needs it. I don’t need to
buy a Hasselblad camera when others need that
$1,400 for a down payment on a house. I can’t
always read a book when six-year-old Chrisy
wants to make doll clothes with me.
I find the strength to live an intensely
Christian life only because I also live and pray
with God daily, praising Him, thanking Him,
being conscious of His presence, reading His
Word in Scripture. This love of God that I live
in daily is so mysterious and so humbling. What
could I possibly do to deserve such love --
nothing! It’s God’s gift. Praise the Lord.
(ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Kati Ritchie is a staff
member with the Catholic Bulletin in St. Paul, Minn.)
Who we are all becoming is a mystery
whether we have chosen to accept or embrace
the single life, married life, divorced life,
celibacy. Call it silent music (musica callada) if
we will for it lies at the bottom of so many
things. What seems ultimately essential is why
we have chosen our life style or chosen to
accept the life pattern that we find ourselves
within. How we can live with that decision is
supported very basically by faith action which
proceeds ahead, seeing somewhat, but
obliquely.
One of the final Gospel promises appears to
be that we will, if we courageously walk ahead,
remain united with others. Now and later. We
will hear bouncing back from Neil Diamond’s
song, “You are, I said.” Men and women may
be single in the sense of unmarried but no one
is single in the sense of the meaning of the
Gospel.
“ALL OF OUR GIFTS - spiritual
and material - belong to the whole
household. The selfishness which can
be a part of being single is
disappearing. . .” In a Catholic
Pentecostal household in St. Paul,
Minn., Betsy Becker takes time to show
Jeremy Langevin how a typewriter
works. (NC Photo by Kati Ritchie)
“BEING SINGLE -- is it a vocation by herself from the grocery store. (NC
or a deprivation?” Alone, a woman Photo by Susan McKinney)
casts a long shadow as she walks home
\
Being Single
BY MONIKA K. HELLWIG
Being single -- is it a vocation or a
deprivation? There are, of course, those who
are celibate by vow because they are members
of a religious community, or because they have
dedicated themselves to a task that clearly
requires the renunciation of marital and
parental relationships, or because they are
required to be celibate as members of the Latin
Rite priesthood. But the question arises
poignantly for those who are single outside of
these situations.
In a sense, being single cannot be a vocation.
The word denotes something negative, the
absence of marital relationship. Unrelatedness
in itself is not a call from God. However, while
the word “single” denotes unrelatedness, the
single person is not, of course, unrelated to
others except in terms of the marital
relationship. Positively, such a person is defined
in each case by a unique pattern of
relationships, and it is these that constitute this
person’s vocation - that is the unique call that
comes to the person concerned from God.
My vocation is the point at which the needs
around me and my ability to respond to them,
meet. Clearly, that means in practice those
needs that I recognize and that ability that I
acknowledge and am willing to appropriate.
Viewed in this way, being a mature single
person offers a very extraordinary range for the
intersection of need and ability to respond to
the need.
Many of my single friends did not begin by
dedicating their lives to people or causes in
radical ways and therefore foregoing marriage.
For one reason or another they were single,
though already mature in age and personal
development, when some exceptional need
crossed their paths - the plight of the poor,
urgent needs of refugees, needs for low income
housing, needs of outcasts of society, of
prisoners in jail, of conscientious objectors,' of
unwed mothers, of the aged, of shut-ins in the
area, technical needs in depressed or
underdeveloped areas, and so forth. When such
a need presents itself to the married person, he
or she may respond with money, with some
spare time, with sympathy and with good
wishes. He or she is very seldom able to leave
everything else aside and follow Christ calling in
that special need. Single persons are quite
frequently able and willing to do this. Even
when they can not leave everything behind and
give themselves completely to such a call, they
often find that their time outside their work is
at their own disposal in a total way such as is
seldom true for married persons. It is not by
accident that it is single women and widows
who have made many of the significant
breakthroughs in western society concerning
the care of the sick and aged and orphans and
in the education of children.
Reflecting upon my own life, I have become
aware of singleness as freedom to relate to
those who do not have a biological claim. I am
the single parent of two adopted children.
About five years ago I read an appeal in a
Sunday paper, thought it over for the rest of
that day and telephoned the agency on Monday
morning, my decision made. I had simply never
thought about adopting until about noon on
Sunday. Being single, in my case, made the
decision-making process very simple. There
were, of course, many unknowns in the
decision but I realized that the passage of time
would leave them just as unknown unless and
until I made the commitment.
Having been a social worker until I became a
theologian, I also had great confidence that the
cumulative experience of the agency would
provide a better basis for judging the feasibility
of adoptions in my life than my own
assessment. By Sunday evening I had firmly
decided to go through with the adoptions if the
agency recommended them. I have never
regretted it. Children seem to validate
themselves, and once they are there they are
intrinsically unregrettable.
I am frequently asked what it is like to be a
single parent of young children, who must also
work full time and who is called upon to write
and lecture as well. It is exhausting. It is very
enjoyable and stimulating. It calls for some very
ruthless choices that bother one’s friends and
associates. It raises eyebrows. It means
postponement of some other things long
planned in one’s life. It makes unexpected
inroads into one’s budget. It opens up many
more outside relationships than one person can
possibly handle. It is never, simply never
boring.
After the Israeli experience, it was a natural
step to join a Christian household. I live in a
Catholic charismatics home - a home where
people dare to live as the early Christians did in
the Acts of the Apostles. There are 14 of us.
Our household is modeled on the Christian
family headed by a married couple. Jesus is
Lord in our house. We have committed our lives
to Him and to each other.
We are learning to accept ourselves and each
other just as we are. Imperfect and incomplete
but infinitely lovable because Jesus died so we
could have His life. Happy? Yes. Free of pain?
No. It sometimes hurts to begin to love and to
be loved, to accept what is the best way for the
household. It’s often painful but always
rewarding to begin to see myself as others see
* me, and as God sees me.
»
At morning prayer we often pray over each
other so that Jesus will heal us physically and
spiritually. Especially at supper we share what
Jesus has done during the day. We share the
little ways He is alive among us, the strength He
gave us to love a cantankerous co-worker, the
way we didn’t lose patience with the kids, how
we were conscious of His healing presence in
our lives and the lives of those we came in
contact with. We share, too, the opportunities
we missed to love and serve so that we may
grow and become more aware of lost
opportunities.
As we grow in love and trust, privacy isn’t a
problem. I only needed it when I had a lot of
things I wanted to hide from others. Once I
commited my life in the light of Jesus with my
brothers and sisters, the Lord gave me the
strength.
As every family does, we disagree over
telephones, dishwashers, etc., but we have
agreed to submit to our household heads, and
KNOW
YOUR
FAITH
(All Articles On This Page
Copyrighted 1975 by N.C. News Service)
No Need for Loneliness
BY BETSY BECKER
Christian. That’s how he haltingly typed his
name. He came up to me as I sat among the
green plants of our sun parlor with my mind a
blank. He wanted to type his name. I didn’t
want to let him mark my paper. But when I
did, I realized that this five-year-old’s presense
in the room and in my life has meant a lot to
me. Christian and a lot of other children have
helped God to shape me into a more loving and
'happier person in the past two-and-a-half years
that I have lived in the Servants of the Light
charismatic community.
Some of you might ask: What is a
charismatic community? It’s a house where a
group of people live and it is modeled after a
Christian family. The head of a household is a
married couple. All who live there commit their
lives to Jesus and to each other. In some
households, money is pooled; in others, each
member handles his own money. When
problems arise, they are confronted with
prayer.
I’m a 27-year-old reporter and single. In the
years I’ve been in Servants of the Light, I’ve
had the privilege of working with the
community children. And in our house, we
have two little boys, aged five and three.
The community has a child-care program
known as Children of the Light. My work in
this program involves taking care of
kindergarteners and first and second graders
each Sunday during the adult community
meetings. I also have two teenage community
sisters.
Those of us who work with the children on
Sundays are on teams that alternate weeks
working. The sisters program is a separate one
in which some of the single women relate with
the older girls in the community on a
one-to-one basis.
The child-care Sunday teams meet twice
monthly on Mondays to plan and pray about
how to entertain the children and how best to
meet their needs and minister the love of Jesus
to them. I have participated both as worker and
leader. As leader, I have been responsible for
getting supplies, coordinating projects, making
out work schedules and keeping track of how
team members are feeling.
Workers are responsible for keeping order in
the classroom, helping the children with
projects and loving them.
When I started on the child-care team, I was
convinced I was great with kids and really loved
them. Boy, was I in for an awakening! I was
looking at myself 10 years ago as a 17-year-old
relating to my hero-worshipping three-year-old
sister. She would do anything I asked. But I
soon found myself yelling at my 24 charges. I
learned that didn’t work. It just made them get
louder. I also learned that once I asked Jesus to
give me the grace to love them, I could establish
authority and didn’t need to yell. Now I enjoy
those Sunday times. And I see the children look
at me with real trust as they ask for help. You
know, that makes a person who has been
insecure most of her life feel really good.
And there are my two community sisters.
Ann is a seventh grader and Susan is in the
eighth grade. How I love to talk with them.
Ann tells me about school and we share our
likes and dislikes. Susan shares from her heart.
She shares her thoughts and feelings in a way I
never could have at her age. I was too afraid.
The Lord allows me to love her by listening,
not as a mother, but as a big sister.
Something very special about having these
two community sisters is the feeling of oneness
I can have towards my own younger sister,
Teresa, who lives 250 miles away. There’s a
Scripture where the Apostles ask Jesus what
they will receive in return for giving up all they
had to follow him. Jesus said that those who
give up father, mother, home and belongings
would be given those things back in multiples in
this life and the next. In a way, I feel I gave up
my family when I took my present job fresh
out of college, five years ago. It came at a time
when newspaper jobs were becoming scarce and
I believe that God’s providence brought me
here so I could later join the community. And
now I have not only one little sister far away
but also two here.
Yes - my life is full. And I believe that that
thing we call satisfaction can only be had
through God. We cannot follow Jesus without
sharing. There are so many choices before us,
but often we have to search to find which is
right for us. Any state of life we choose -
single, married, religious - must have the Lord
in a major role. When we truly find Him and
learn to know Him, loneliness becomes a
foreign word.
(ABOUT THE A UTHOR - Betsy Becker is an area
reporter for St. Paul’s Dispatch and Pioneer Press, a
secular newspaper. She is from Le Mars, Iowa and a
graduate of the University of Iowa.)