Newspaper Page Text
The Southern Cross, Page 8
Thursday, April 22, 1999
Getting a handle on our
philosophy of parenthood
All contents copyright©! 999 by CNS
8
CNS photos by Karen Callaway
▼ ▼ e cannot change the past.... So when we, as imperfect parents,
need to deal with our imperfect children, we direct most of our
effort toward the future.... When emotions run high... we allow
some time to pass before we have important conversations. ”
By David M. Thomas
Catholic News Service
It was a dark and stormy night. (It
really was!) My wife and I were sitting
in our family room discussing one of
our favorite topics: how little money
we had. A car pulled into our drive
way, and we were relieved because we
had been waiting up for one of our
teen-age sons to return home.
As I said, it was a stormy night.
Soon the door opened. “Hi, Mom and
Dad. I’m really tired. Good night.” He
started to walk toward his room when
his very sensitive mother called him
back. Though his words were few, she
detected a certain tone, a slightly dif
ferent rhythm in his speech. “Son,
have you been drinking?” she asked.
Immediately I was impressed with
her discernment abilities. I hadn’t
picked up a thing.
“Mom, I’m tired. I want to sleep,”
he said. But her tone intensified. “Get
in here this minute. We have to talk
with you.” He slowly edged back into
the family room, and my wife, using
her time-tested procedures, eventu
ally pulled the truth from him. Yes,
he had been drinking. Yes, he had
imbibed too much. And yes, we would
t alk about it in the morning.
Versions of this same scene were no
doubt being re-enacted in many other
homes that same night. In fact, some
thing like this probably happens every
night in thousands of families. And at
times like these, the real attitudes
and thoughts of parents come to the
fore. They also form the script for the
conversation the next morning.
My wife and I espouse the wonder
ful approach of our Christian tradition
which says we should hate the sin,
but love the sinner. We try to recog
nize the important place, alongside
justice, of forgiveness and reconcilia
tion. But we also know that part of
parenting is the need to guide, correct
and see that certain behavior, espe
cially if harmful, be stopped. Exces
sive consumption of alcohol falls into
this category.
We also know that we cannot
change the past. The empty bottle
could not be refilled. Our son’s head
ache could not be stopped. What’s
done is done.
We can, however, exert some influ
ence on the future. So when we, as
imperfect parents, need to deal with
our imperfect children, we direct most
of our effort toward the future.
We also know that in the midst of
family difficulties when emotions run
high — as they often do — we allow
some time to pass before we have im
portant conversations.
Finally, before we enter the family
“courtroom,” my wife and I privately
discuss the matter. We don’t always
agree, but we try to settle our dis
agreements before our children are
brought into the conversation.
We believe that if we disagree be
fore the children, our marital relation
ship suffers. We created these chil
dren together. So, too, should we par
ent them as one. These are the prin
ciples we use. But translating them
into perfection in concrete circum
stances is far from easy.
The next morning, our son dressed
more quickly than usual and was
about to exit for school when, once
again, his mother stopped him in his
tracks. We had to talk.
•First, we tried to get the facts
around the usual “what,” “where” and
“why” questions.
•We also tried to keep a tone of
honesty. Teens don’t like to reveal too
much if they think that the punish
ment will be in direct proportion to the
“crime.”
•And we tried to communicate that
any consequences would be for his good
— not to satisfy some need of our own.
•Finally, we kept in mind that it is
always a good idea to have the child or
teen contribute to the discussion of
punishment. Sometimes children can
be harsher on themselves than their
parents might be.
In the end, there was a hug. Our
imperfections should bring us closer
together rather than distance us from
each other.
The son I’ve described is now a
young adult. One might assume that
the trials and tribulations of our
parenting years would more or less
have disappeared with the passing of
his 21st birthday. But such is not the
case. Imperfections still assail our re
lationship. But the love between us
remains. O
My wife and I have certain hopes
for our grown children. Mostly these
hopes center around such matters as
acquiring a regular paying job, set
tling down eventually and, of course
creating hordes of grandchildren who
will visit us with regularity.
Naturally, real life never turns out
exactly as we plan. But our faith in
God’s Spirit of freedom and love re
minds us that it can even be better
than the hopes and dreams hidden in
the back of our minds.
God seems to enjoy reminding par
ents that we are not in charge and
that we can control very little. So we
should lighten up a little and enjoy the
ride, trusting that God knows what’s
best and loves our children even more
than we do.
(Thomas is the general editor for
Catechetical and Family Life Publica
tions, Benziger Publishing, Wood
land Hills, Calif)
FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Whatever else philosophers do, they think. So to suggest there might
be such a thing as a “philosophy” of parenthood is to suggest there is
something in parenthood to ponder and think through.
However, that parenthood requires a lot of thought is something
parents already know! It’s a complex world out there, making things
complicated for parents.
My question is this: As parents struggle along trying to think things
through, do they always have to struggle alone?
People need a little outside support sometimes — a reality Pope John
Paul II recognized in writing his 1999 apostolic letter on America. In it he
talked about the value of parish small groups in which people talk and
pray together.
He observed that these groups allow “for true human relationships”
and make it easier to reflect on “human problems in the light” of God’s
word; one thing these groups can do is “assist family life” (No. 41).
Sometimes parents need a little support. Sometimes a small group at a
local parish becomes just the support they need.
, 6 David Gibson Editor, Faith Alive!