Newspaper Page Text
Page 2
THE MAROON TIGER
Q)esign Tfor £iuing
By Raphael A McIver
Plan your living, so and thus:
Be a bit meticulous:
Never, never falsify:
Have a purpose: always try
To determine the precise
Definition of the nice:
Have a mission: be intense:
Calculate the difference
To a final decimal
Of all good and evil . . . well . . .
Yellow Cal) ... a pretty hit
Whoop! . . . And there’s the end of it!
Wilfred ]. Funk.
Living is an art and should he treated as such. But
art suffers much in this highly disorganized world; this
world that is such a congested affair that before one
really gets his nostrils above the milling mass to suck
in a brace of clean air, his labor is rewarded by a sum
mons to join the dust again.
Since few of us live according to our beliefs, but
really as our neighbor wishes us to, and since you will
forget it immediately, or read no line of it, let us sug
gest the following design:
(1 ) Make a desperate attempt to know yourself, even
if the sudden acquaintance does prove a trifie startling,
morbid, and highly nauseating. The results which are
sure to tread on the heels of this introduction to your
self will prove, we wager, to be splendid and quite un
expected ones. So many of us stride out into the world
to correct its evils when we carry so many of the faults
with us.
Through a subtle jest of Fate each mortal is doomed
to spend his life in intimate relationship with himself.
This unfortunate association breeds not—as we might be
lieve—contempt, but rather encourages a deep and preju
diced sympathy. Few of us kindle and 'maintain a
loathing of our selves. Even before we chide ourselves
—light as that may be—for some deed in rashness done,
we meticulously “search the motive that explains the
act.” And we are quick to pardon our vilest sin;
quicker to forget it. Now, what a pleasant world would
this be to hustle in if we would only believe that our
neighbor is simply a bundle of fibre, flesh, blood and
bone like us, and is destined, perhaps, to dash his
feet against the same stones that lay upon our path,
and that he should be eligible to the same gentle con
sideration that we so readily give ourselves!
(2) Move as frequently as possible among great and
learned men. (This bit of intellectual maneuvering
should not only inspire you, but should do much to mur
der the superiority complex which is so detrimental
to the advancement of ambitious men who have done
nothing.) Study them, but do not ape them. When you
have ascended into greatness you will discover that
their actions are sincerely natural, and you will glide
among them very comfortably.
(3) Search long and tirelessly for truth, understand
ing, and the many things which convention and your
neighbor think are essential, yet be not dismayed to
discover, or to be discovered, a fool. The revelation
may prove shocking, yet be happy that you are cog
nizant of your plight, or good fortune. So many of us
wander through this densely-knitted maze of things with
out that precious knowledge. Fools have their impor
tance. They are the yardstick by which we measure
wise men. If it has been determined that you are a fool,
be content and go your way; you may live long enough
to be proclaimed a sage. This world is so confused,
having no scales to weigh values, that today’s jester
may be tomorrow’s sneer.
(4) A snob is the most detestable of animals, but if
you decide to be one, endeavor to be a thorough one.
There is nothing so stupid as the snob who knows not
when to thrust his nose in the trees. He wants to ap
pear aloof and intellectual. He succeeds in appear
ing like a stuffed oyster. He speaks to no one (in fear
of being found out), and admirably gives one the por
trayal of an Egyptian mummy at any afternoon tea. If
you are desirous of becoming a snob—a legitimate pro
cedure—let us urge you to first go to your room, bolt
the door, draw the shutters, and take a deep look in
your favorite mirror. Then ask yourself these three
questions: (a) Have I achieved anything that would
warrant my becoming a snob? (b) What is a snob?
(c) Would I really look like a stuffed oyster? The
questions might lend discouragement to your worthless
ambition.
(5) Go to the ant—whether you be a sluggard or no.
And if you are an atheist you will see what a small thing
you are to God and cease ranting and shaking your
puny fist at a Deity who rather than strike you—as
you would dare him to—would smile down at your
stupidity while He performs the heavier tasks of the
day. And if you still doubt the existence of a Superior
Force, think what skillful hand forged that small,
delicate, strong and agile body and that minute but ac
tive brain, and ask yourself if Socrates or Plato or Ein
stein in all their glory could fashion one of these noble
creatures. If you find that your brief sojourn with the
ant has taught you no concrete thing, thrust your fin
ger into the abode of the conscientious creature and
conclude by her remarkable taste for flesh that she at
least manifests one sound human characteristic: she is
definitely cannibalistic.
(6) If you have warm hopes of becoming a Chris
tian. let us urge you to love God for God’s sake, and
not for your neighbor’s. There are but a few hypocrites
at large who are more disgustingly distasteful than the
devout lamb who sings loudest when there are visitors,
and drops his offering in the plate with a triumphant
noise when he feels that some one is looking on. Yet,
he is a saint when we painfully think of the kind gentle
man who wearies a standing group with a twenty-min
ute prayer—for the audience’s sake, and not the Diety’s
—and climbs under the blankets at night without a sin
cere word for wandering and unsheltered sheep. Let
us, put on an act—if we must do so—for the Christ’s
sake, for it is He whose applause is genuine and en
during.
(7) Shun and beware of these perfectly annoying
chaps who fashion designs for living. Create your own
philosophy of life; it can be as valid or as putrid as
Plato’s. For after all. no one can place your hat on
your head comfortably enough to check that inevitable
impulse which causes both your hands to diligently set
about adjusting the chapeau.