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Face 10
THE MAROON TIGER
Varieties
By L. Raymond Bailey
I regret to announce to those readers of this column
that my story scheduled for this issue will not appear.
After all, it is to the credit of this paper that this
column of nonsense will die. But realizing that many,
who are as crazy as I, will be disappointed, 1 have
made arrangements for the appearance of Antedeluvia
elsewhere. So I am advising those of you who were
expecting to congratulate me with an over-ripe egg
shower to go ahead and purchase your eggs anyway—
prices will he going up very soon. Since I have been
pul out of commission, I suppose I shall proceed to
ramble in space and gas about the first thing that
pops into my mind.
A moment ago, when I ran into my colleague of the
past debating season, my mind went back to that glori
ous trip we took through the Carolinas, Virginia, and
Washington, I). C. It was thrilling from the start. As
we were scheduled to leave the “Gate City of the South”
at 7 P. M., on the first leg of our trip, we hired “Junk”
Websjer to chauffeur us to the terminal. Well, it was
6:30 A. M. before I was able to get my colleague, Mr.
John Young, the versatile dramatist, football star, poet,
debater, and “broad-player” out of bed. To make bad
matters worse, we discovered at the last minute that
the struggle-buggy, in which “Junk” was to have jug
gled us to the terminal, was suffering from an acute
case of fallen arches in the right rear tire. After a deal
of powerful and drastic subjective expression, we suc
ceeded in getting a very accommodating instructor of
the Atlanta University Laboratory High School to run
us down in time to fall into the terminal and persuade
the bus-driver to hold up things for two very important
gentlemen from Morehouse College. On going to the
window to purchase tickets, 1 found the busy ticket-
agent waiting on the “citizens of the first rank,” as if
he had until dooms-day to finish. After what seemed
an age, he came around to me. I bought a round-trip
ticket for myself and asked for a ticket lor Young.
“Where the deuce is Young?” inquired the agent
scratching his head as he consulted his road maps.
“Oh, he is outside talking to the porter, ”1 replied.
After a few dirty looks and some silent words to
match, he produced the tickets and we hustled to catch
the bus.
The trip was rather uneventful, so we spent the time for
the most part in improving our minds by reading the
highly intellectual literature as recorded in College Hu
mor and other magazines of lesser value which Mr.
Young, out of his literary appreciation and aspiration
had seen fit to bring along.
We stopped for an hour or so in Charlotte to visit
Johnson C. Smith University. As we entered the grounds,
Mr. Young complained of his distressing appearance
and did his best to brighten up his shoes and twist his
embryonic mustache.
“What is the use of all that?” I inquired. “There
are no women here.” I do not think it proper that his
disappointment be recorded here.
It was late in the night when we reached Raleigh, and
taxied out to Shaw University, where we were destined
to spend two days. Before we had been there forty hours,
my colleague, Mr. Young, had done some fast work
and was ready to elope with a very charming and witty
young lady named ? ? — I don’t recall her name
—fortunately. During the while I had merely worked
up to an introduction to another delightful specimen
of feminine delicacy named Miss — ? ? —pshaw!
In Washington, there was much more to be seen and
done, and my colleague really made good use of his
time. Of course, we walked around with stuffed chests
and bragged about the places we had never seen, the
victories we had never won, and the charming ladies
we had never known. We looked over all of the main
buildings, the most important of which was the girls’
dormitory. We, or at least, Mr. Young, jibed the ma
tron so that she went into the kitchen to show us
around. Of course we were so highly interested in the
scientific preparation of foods that the generous matron
was virtually compelled to let us try out a few of the
delicious desserts to see if she used as much shortening
as “we" do down South.
As the time for the debate drew nigh, we donned our
hard-starched straight-jackets that refused to behave prop
erly and went to the chapel for the grand affair. The
crowd was so small that I was almost tempted to begin
my speech by saying: Mr. Chairman, gentlemen of the
affirmative, Man and Woman. However, as lime passed,
the crowd increased and we were gratified at the close
of the debate by being congratulated by some exceeding
ly interesting representatives of the “nudder” sex.
The next day, we went sight-seeing for a little while
before leaving town. Being two gentlemen from big
cities, we thought the things we saw to be rather com
mon-place. As a matter of fact, my colleague, the
ultra-urbanized Mr. Young, walked into the Congres
sional Library, and after looking around for a bit, re
marked with an air of indifference—“Nice dump, huh?”
Perhaps what we wanted to try out most of all was
the beer. We were informed, however, that the brew
was not so hot after all. It is said that our legislators
did a good job giving us a beverage that would cause
drowning before intoxication. At any rate we were glad
to get the “beer" facts.
I he trip home was without excitement, but we did
stop in Virginia long enough to snatch a night of rest
at the fascinating Virginia State College. By the time
we reached Atlanta, we had “developed" to the point
of being able to determine to the millimeter the depth
and width of each bum]) we would hit. Yaass mon, we
had a great time.
Now the next thing that comes into my mind is not
so pleasant. To make a long story short, I went to the
photographer and had the likeness of me put on paper.
The results were shocking as you will see by looking
on another page of this paper. I have concluded that
when a fellow feels too sophisticated he should have
his picture taken, and thereby bring himself to his knees.
Not only was it a very discouraging experience, but
think of the damaging evidence my enemies will have
against me.—O well.