Newspaper Page Text
The Maroon Tiger
Frida1
September 6, 2002 Page
You only live once .. .so act a donkey
Jordan Segue
Assistant Features Editor
Acting a donkey can add
an extra twenty years to your
life; it can also cure all ailments
including prostrate cancer and
the gout (this piece of inf orma-
tion comes from The
Morehouse infirmary but then
again they said my hepatitis B
was a soar throat.).
When I say acting a don
key, I am referring to that mo
ment that you let go of it all and
ditch the reservations of a per
son typically attired in a ma
roon Collegiate tee.
We hide everyday like
we're Bin Laden in a cave read
ing anti-Microsoft material in
squiggly writing. Acting a
donkey can be beneficial before
we are all are forced to wear
tight pants and grown people
faces.
First of all, if you want to
act a donkey, you must sur
round yourself with donkies.
No dummy, not smelly farm
animals that you play with on
your trip home.
I'm talking about that
monkied out senior that you
think is a herb just because he
doesn't dress like an extra in a
Big Tymers video for a song
called "Shineriffic." Believe it
or not, that unshaven, grimy,
longhaired heathen knows a
little bit about living in Atlanta
and better yet...acting a don
key.
Ditch all of those ideas
about everyone having to be
pretty because we don't live in
a perfect world. Therefore, you
have to work with the hand
that you're dealt. Plus how else
are you gonna learn to effec
tively do your dirt?
Don't tell me that you ac
tually trust that charlatan from
Sioux City that lives above you.
Next fellas, don't be wor
ried about what the women
folk will think about you. Last
week I took these two wonder
ful young ladies to my friend's
apartment on Candler Road.
They told me to never expose
them to "that" ever again, as
they ate their Popeye's chicken
and drank their sweet tea. I
turned
to them
and said,
from
D.C. and
you're
from De
troit, like
me...it's
not ex-
a c t 1 y
Malibu
is it?"
Re
member,
girls out-
number
us like
we're
skinheads
i n
Justin's.
Vfa
the
gums be
gin to
flap,
don't yell obscenities at the
young lady simply tell her "I'm
a millionaire, what do I need
your two cents for?"
Remember gents, DO
YOU! Act yourself and any
time you're not yourself.. .well
then you'd better be a donkey.
Don't worry if others think that
you're a bad guy because at
least Jesus still likes you. Plus
if you really want a wife, go to
Morocco or Malaysia.
Be more like him
Thirdly gentlemen, don't
be afraid to try new things. No,
don't apply to the R. Kelly film
school, but do partake in the
sweet nectars and magic elix
irs. Get crunk, get crunk, get
crunk! I can't stress that
enough. Now don't get too
crunk and find yourself
stabbed in the arm with a meat
fork
b y
your
fends
girl
friend
Don't
g e t
too
crunk
and
g e t
three
bottles
snefad
over
your
head
at a
foam
party.
This
i s
your
work!
gpnfle-
men;
you
run
it and King Kong ain't got
nothin' on you.
Fourth gentlemen,
branch out and be a team. Re
member that teamwork gets
you the championship. Be a
Battier and take a charge for
the team. Don't go on solo mis
sions, unless you have a bomb
on your chest, or your name is
Ethan Hunt. If you're gonna
play point, remember that you
have to move the ball around
and break the defense. There's
nothing worse than the guy
that would rather throw a
punch for a girl he barely
knows but runs when his boys
get into a skirmish at the
Bounce. Don't be like that guy,
because remember that your
boys will throw a punch for
you, but most girls won't.
Fifth gentlemen, do what
you want to do. This is your
time to mess up because before
you know it you'll be working
for Morgan Stanley and have
a beautiful Spelman
complected wife and three
kids.
If there's anything that
you should've gotten from this
article it's that you should do
what makes you happy. Hell
no I'm not a hedonist, but I'm
damn close. I do believe in an
afterlife and I do believe in
God, and I can only hope that
heaven rivals my college
experience...acting a donkey.
Young sirs, this is your
life. This is the grand slam
dinger in the bottom of the
1 ninth against the Wankees, I
mean Yankees, in game seven
of the World Series.
Don't put restraints on
yourself just because some
strumpet puts you in a bad
mood. Don't get caught up in
the poppycock of the Politically
Correct Times that you read as
you're in the water closet.
Love life and live it to
the fullest, don't sell yourself
short and make it a R&B video,
make it a down south
video...with pretty chicks and
less dubs. If you can't remem
ber things because of your
newfound lifestyle, you can al
ways take a picture, because it
might make you rich.
The Morehouse Dozen
l.Why is every black college football game a classic? 2.When is the Popeye’s Classic? 3.Do we
have to pay or can we get a two piece with valid I.D.? 4.Who played the Moulie Bowl for the
Golden Watermelon 5.What is Master Chief the Master of? 6.Why do environmentalist burn
down trees? it^r!lj that Jimmy Hoffa is buried under our speed bumps? 8. Do Morehouse
Police have thefighLfo shoot? 9. Why would you call an ambulance for someone you just shot?
10. How can yd mA^fun of him for beine it JLenox when you were there tooj ll.How the hell
do you fry chicken on the grill? 12.Do thejcall it HOTLANTA because of tie weather or be
cause of the STD’S? (She’s on fire)13. Can you really snort viagra with yourkig head