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Israeli kitchen
If you can’t stand the heat...
by Benny Shraga
Danny, my new neighbor across
the hall, has just arrived in
Jerusalem for a year of Jewish
studies. He never knew how much
he had to learn.
“What is this?" he demands, all
indignant the first morning as I
guide him around our neighborhood
grocery store.
“Milk," I say. “I guessed it on
the first try. Do 1 get a prize?”
“I know it’s milk," Danny says.
“But 1 mean, look how it comes. In
a plastic bag!”
“Sure, in a plastic bag," I say.
“How else?"
“Who packages milk in a bag?”
I shrug. “Cows do. 1 think the
plastic bag is supposed to remind
us of Old Bossie's udder. Makes it
more natural-like. Know what I
mean?”
“And you know what I mean.
Liquids should come in bottles,
not bladders. Like Coca-Cola.
That’s natural."
“So buy Coca-Cola.”
“For corn-flakes? No thank
you." Danny fishes a bag of milk
out of the refrigerated case and
makes a face. “Look, it’s all wet.”
“You’re supposed to put the bag
in a bag. It keeps the bread from
getting damp in your shopping
basket.” I hand him a plastic bag
provided by the store for bagging
the bags of milk.
"That’s another thing—the
bread comes unwrapped. The
bread should come in a bag and the
milk should come in a bottle or
carton."
“And the Messiah should come
as soon as possible. Nu, pay
already, the check-out girl is
getting impatient."
We pay for our groceries and
step outside. “And," Danny
continues, “what am I supposed to
do with this sack of milk once 1 get
home?"
“Most people keep it in the
refrigerator," I say helpfully.
“But look at it. It’s a plastic bag.
It sloshes. It doesn’t stand
upright."
“You mean you don't have a
milk-bag holder?" ,
“A milk-bag holder? You’re
kidding."
“Would I kid?"
“First 1 have to put the bag of
milk in a bag to get it home. Then I
have to have a special milk-bag
holder to hold my milk in the
refrigerator?”
“It’s called a planned economy.”
We go back into the store and I
show Danny the plastic pitchers
which every Israeli household has
for holding its bags of milk. I
suggest one in white; it goes with
everything.
“Actually,” I say, “the big milk
cooperative introduced milk in
cartons this year—they called it the
‘Now’ milk—but it didn’t catch
on.”
“The ’Now’ milk? We’ve had
milk in cartons in America for at
least 25 years."
“That’s America. Anyway, since
everybody already had a milk-bag
holder, Israelis just stuck with the
‘Then’ milk. Look, while you’re at
it, do you want to buy an egg-
purse?"
“1 beg your pardon?"
“The big supermarkets in town
sell eggs in neat little cartons," I
explain patiently. “But the little
corner grocery stores like ours
don’t. You can buy a full tray of 30
eggs here...."
“What am 1 going to do with 30
eggs?”
“...or you can just buy a few. But
how do you carry them?"
“A plastic bag?" Danny asks, his
voice sinking.
“I suggest the egg purse. It’s a
hard plastic case with pockets for
about ten eggs. There—over on the
wall.”
Danny examines the egg-purse.
“What if l want II eggs?"
“You could try juggling. Or buy
two egg purses.”
“I’ll just take one. Is there
anything else I need before 1 get
home and finally have my
breakfast?”
“Have you got scissors?” I ask.
“Scissors? 1 use a rtail-clipper.”
“Not for your cuticles, for your
milk-bag. You could try using a
nail clipper—it’s a novel idea—but
1 don’t think it’ll work. Every
Israeli kitchen has scissors for the
milk-bags.”
“Do they sell scissors here?"
“Of course not, this is a p-ocery
store. You have to go to the scissors
shop in town."
“I can see I’ll be drinking my
coffee black this morning.”
“Come to my flat. I’ll snip your
milk-bag for you.”
“Thanks,” Danny says. “Now
are there any other peculiar
Israeli kitchen devices I’ll need?”
“Can’t think of any," I say.
“Unless by chance your kitchen
didn’t come with a faucet-
extension."
“I knew there was something
wrong with my sink! The faucet is
like way up high -it splashes all'’
over the place.”
“Obviously lacking a faucet-
extension."
“Why don’t they just build the
faucets lower 7 "
“Then you wouldn’t be able to fit
your bucket under the faucet when
you want to wash the kitchen floor.,
You use the extender for washing
dishes and remove it when you...”
“I don’t have a bucket," Danny
interjects. “I thought I’d just sweep
the kitchen floor."
“Aha, but if you did have a
bucket, you wouldn’t be able to fill
it if your faucet was lower, would
your
“I could fill it in the bathtub.
That is, if 1 had a bucket. That is, if
I planned to wash the kitchen
floor.” Danny thinks for a long
moment. “You know, there’s
something very Jewish about all
this. I have the feeling Israel is
going to be some experience.”
“And you aren’t even out of the
kitchen yet.”
2^l7fF line
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PAGE 15 THE SOUTHERN ISRAELITE February 18, 1983