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■pnMti When ties that bind start to stifle, Mitzvah mediates by Wendy Elliman J JTA —JERUSALEM «Marry and, with luck, it may go . , 7 But when a marriage fails, Then those who marry live at home in hell." Twenty-five hundred years after Euripides put that thought to parchment, the number of those no longer willing to “live at home in hell” is on the rise—in Israel, as elsewhere in the Western world. Approximately one in every seven of Israel’s Jewish marriages today does choose that route—often fol lowing a long, complicated and very costly divorce process, in terms both of hard cash and emotional wear and tear. “While Jewish law does provide for divorce,” says American lawyer Jack Marder, mediator and treas urer of Mitzvah, a voluntary organ ization which seeks to help couples in crisis, “the catch is that divorce, under Jewish law, must be by mut ual agreement. A Jewish divorce involves two complementary acts: the man must give his wife a docu ment of divorce or gei, and the woman must receive it. So Jewish divorce is, in fact, executed by the partners themselves—even though the process is administered in Israel through religious courts.” If the couple can reach amicable agreement, Jewish divorce “need involve neither litigation nor lawy ers," says Betty Yoffey, Mitzvah’s president and herself a lawyer. “But if either partner is reluctant to end the marriage, or holds out for a more favorable financial or prop erty settlement, childcare arrange ments, or simple revenge, the di vorce can be delayed for months and even years. Mutual agreement is essential.” Gaining mutual agreement is Mitzvah’s overriding objective. A non-profit-making organization, Mitzvah has introduced the con cept of “mediation” to Israel. Cou ples in crisis are encouraged to sit down together, and with the help °f Mitzvah’s volunteer mediators, work out a mutally acceptable solu tion. If that solution is divorce, the mediators—usually working in pairs will help draw up a divorce agreement to present to the rabbin ical courts. “The rabbinical judges know us,” says Betty Yoffey. “They know that our agreements are carefully drafted and acceptable to both parties. So once we get the couple to court, the divorce usually goes through quickly and easily.” Mitzvah claims several instances of concluding, within weeks, divorce cases that have been bitterly fought by lawyers in the courts for years. “We know from experience that once a mediator can get warring couples to sit down and talk to one another, they’ll almost always agree either on terms for reconcilia tion—shalom bayit—or divorce,” says Mitzvah mediator Sara Ben jamin, who is completing post graduate studies in social work. “It will often be the first time in years that they've listened to what the other has to say.” Six in every 10 couples who approach Mitzvah are referred else where at intake—to marriage gui dance counselling, psychiatric help, their rabbi, or to one of the national women’s organizations. Even with this—and with some financial sup port from the New Israel Fund — Mitzvah, as a volunteer organiza tion with limited funds and man power, cannot cope with the de mand for its services. “We have to be very selective,” says family therapist Sharon Mar- monstein, who is responsible for sorting Mitzvah’s intake. “There are many organizations in Israel who deal with marriage difficul ties, but only Mitzvah addresses itself specifically to divorce prob lems.” Even with this professional selection, Mitzvah has a lengthy waiting list. One response to the growing case-overload has been to promote the Mitzvah approach among other groups involved in resolving marital conflict—pri marily social workers. “Mediation is so new to Israel that there’s no Hebrew word for it,” says Mitzvah’s public rela tions officer, sociologist Kay Wein berger. “But we’ve consistently shown that it works—and that most couples can work out their own solutions and their own salva tion. What we’d like to see is ‘ mediation’ formally written into Israel’s social work study cur riculum.” mtm REALTORS* ZAC PASMANICK, CRS Certified Residential Specialist OFFERING THE BEST OF INTOWN LIVING MORNINGSIDE VIRGINIA-HIGHLAND MIDTOWN DRUID HILLS ANSLEY BUCKHEAD off.: 874-8800 Res.: 892-1177 ‘People come to us angry or sad, hopeless, aggressive, desperate— or sometimes just totally passive,” explained mediator Maggie Good man. “Our job is to listen to what they want. That’s more difficult than it sounds, because sometimes they say one thing but really want another. So it’s important to be alert to the real message, and under stand what the client really wants. Often, they don’t want the mar riage to end at all, and go home together, reconciled. Other times, they shout abuse at one another and at the mediator, and fight their way through the initial sessions, embittered and using every wea pon at hand—including their chil dren. But however they come to us, and however stormy the early ses sions, some kind of agreement is usually reached.” Mitzvah’s wider aims, as ex plained by Mitzvah’s education and information officer Pnina Peli, in clude creating a caring public awareness that rabbis find suitable interpretations of Jewish Law to resolve the deadlock of the “de serted” wife (aguna), wide use of marriage annulment in the rabbin ical courts, more effective ways of enforcing rabbinical court deci sions, and an educational outreach, to stimulate public awareness in Israel of rights and limitations under Jewish and Israeli family law. Mitzvah’s immediate concern, meanwhile, is to help troubled couples resolve marital problems without litigation, and to minimize the trauma of divorce for husband, wife, children and all those around them. 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