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Gracious Column
No, Samantha; I’m sorry to say the Fool
killer hasn’t finished ’em all up yet.
Man in California, named John Kellston,
went to see the animals at the Zoo. Friend
told him that if he’d gently tickle the lion,
under the chin, the King would yawn. John
poked his hand through the bars of the lion’s
<jage, and gently tickled him under the chin.
Lion yawned, all right; but only wide
enough to gently clip off two of * John’s
fingers!
John is at the hospital; and the lion is
waiting for another fool to come along and
tickle him, gently, under the chin, to see him
yawn.
* * *
Girl in Maryland, engaged to be married,
spent the evening with her Intended, fixing
the wedding invitations. Next morning, she
went down town to mail them out. Met a
different sort of male, however, and decided
to elope with him. She did; and they were
married in Virginia.
Her Originally Intended is to be congratu
lated. And I hope that Second Choice will
be happy with her.
There is one thing that can't be disputed:
the girl was hell-bent on getting married.
* * *
Street-car, in New York, ran over a man’s
leg and crushed it. Men rushed forward,
shouting, to raise him; and women fainted
away. It was a cork leg—fortunately.
* * *
Sweetheart, expecting a handsome, valuable
Christmas present from her betrothed, re
ceived a little box of candy. Indignant, she
tossed it into the grate. Pouted a whole week.
Then, at length, she consented to let her beau
visit her.
“Why, what’s been the matter with you, all
this week?’’ he inquired.
She explained, in an offended tone.
“Dear me!'’ he exclaimed, “there was a dia
mond ring at the bottom of the box of candv
that cost me $100!”
Fancy! Hurried search in all the ash-cans
was made, but the jewel could not be found.
However, they recovered the more priceless
jewel of Reconciliation.
❖ ❖ *
Man in Chicago, named Justes, forgot to
carry his umbrella along. shower befell.
Justes stepped into a doorway to keep out of
the rain. Two other fellows came along, and
stopped in the doorway.
“How long before a car will come by?”
asked one of the newly-arrived.
“Can’t be a great while,” answered Justes,
“for I’ve been waiting here some minutes.”
“Get under this umbrella,” suggested one
of the men, “there’s room enough for all
three of us.”
Justes did so.
The very next minute, a pistol barrel was
against his chin, and in his ear was a gentle—
“ Come across with what you got.”
Justes shelled out S2BO in cash, and a gold
watch.
Then the thugs disappeared.
Moral: Beware of strange umbrellas.
* * *
> Person named Silverman entered candy
store in New York and, greedy like, wanted
the biggest bunch of sweetness that was in
the shop. It was a sales-lady, and he mar
ried her.’
Ordered eleven carriages from a livery
stable to convey the wedding guests home.
Only seven vehicles appeared. Over the
’phone the livery-man explained that four of
the carriages made double trips, and that
therefore he was entitled to full pay. The
happy Silperman could not accede to this
proposition and he refused to pay for more
than seven vehicles.
Full of the pride which precedes the fall,
Silverman and his bride bade the wedding
THE JEFFERSONIAN
guests adieu and made for their carriage, to
go home.
They were, of course, duly pelted with old
hob-nailed shoes, and rice pudding.
For good luck, you see—and because all the
fools aint dead.
Bless goodness! when that honeymoon ve
hicle stopped, and the bride and groom got
out, thinking they were in front of their de
stined home, they found themselves in the
livery stable, encompassed round about by
horses, mules, carriages, omnibusses, hay,
stable rakings and similar.
Loud was the outcry of Silverman! The
bride, she turned to tear-drops and handker
chief.
But what could you do? Alas! Silverman
had to pay for those other four vehicles—for
really a livery-stable, while useful in its way,
has no Bridal chamber, and no connubial as
sociations.
Besides, the romantic element is lacking.
* * *
Cecilia Mulligan worked in a hat factory,
of Middletown, New York. One day another
girl who worked in the same place dared
Cecilia to write her name inside the sweat
band of a straw hat she was working on.
Os course, Cecilia then wrote her name,
there—adding her P. O. address.
Well, Sir, that identical hat found its way,
by due course of trade, to the cranium of
George W. Parham, paymaster of the Man
istee & North-Eastern Railroad, of Manistee,
Michigan.
One day, he happened to see the name on
the band of his hat, a year after Cecilia had
written it there.
His curiosity was excited and he wrote to
the girl ! Letters, photographs, and tokens
and similar and such passed between them,
and now they are man and wife.
* ijS
No, Jasper, you must not do personal vio
lence to the landlady because the victuals are
unsatisfactory.
Man in Bloomfield, New Jersey, came home
to his boarding-house, one night last week,
and flew into a passion, when he saw what
kind of grub Lena Pollard, his landlady, had
provided.
Oh, he just raved and reared and swore,
and wound up by seizing Lena by the throat.
Instead of skewering him with her hat-pin,
or blinding him with the soup, she fell down
in a faint.
The boarder thought he had killed her, and
he fled to the police-barracks, giving himself
up for murder.
But the officer investigated and found that
Lena had come to.
Let this be a lesson to you, Jasper.
The Tariff Again—And the People
Should Bring a Test Case
(concluded from page one.)
of the free list, the provision for drawbacks
the reciprocity features, the discretionary
powers delegated to the President to change
the schedules—these are the characteristics of
the bill which would satisfy any impartial
court that mow was the least of all the
purposes which entered into the creation of
the bill.
Not only would the court have the right
to construe the bill in the light of the speeches
made by the Congressmen who favored it,
and whose votes helped make it a law, but
Mr. Taffs own message, breezily ignoring the
Constitution and admitting that the purpose
of the bill was not to raise revenue for the
Government, but to put more money in the
hands of certain workmen and employers
would be competent testimony and absolutely
unanswerable.
The people themselves can now break their
shackles, if they will but take a test case into
the Federal Courts, and fight it to a finish.
SHORT TALKS TO YOUNG MEN
(No. 4.)
Just a little more about table manners,
John Henry:
Don’t crumble bread, or crackers, in your
soup. You can season it, if you like, with
salt, pepper, tobasco, or any other sauce on
the table; but you take your bread with the
soup, and not in it.
1 he idea is, that the dish has come to you,
properly made; and that you are to ‘add
nothing to its materials—any more than you
can add mutton and beef to the dish of ham
and eggs, or put something else in the pickle
jar.
Don t tilt the soup-plate, and don't scrape
the bottom of it with the spoon.
lon don't put the spoon in your mouth, at
all: you merely hold the side of the spoon to
\our lips, and take in the soup, not the spoon,
lou will be thought greedy and careless, if
you constantly spill the contents of the spoon,
making splashes in the soup-plate. There
fore, don't fill the spoon. And—don't forget!
make as little noise as possible in getting the
sou]) into your mouth and down your throat.
In eating celery, do not di]) the end that
you have bitten, into the salt-cellar again.
1 ut some of the salt on your own plate, or
on the crumb plate, ami dip into that. Or. you
may salt the celery from the cellar with your
knife. Often tiny spoons are provided for
the salting of dishes and vegetables: use these,
when they are on the table.
Os late years, the well-to-do people who
entertain, have introduced the use of small
side-plates, extra knives and forks, extra
spoons, etc. These are confusing to the un
initiMed, and cause painful embarrassment.
Without going into wearisome detail, I will
say that, if you keep cool, preserve your pres
ence of mind, and wait for your neighbors to
lead the way; you will come out without seri
ous disaster.
Ihe little butter-dish is in very general
use: you will know it at a glance—besides
you will notice others putting butter on theirs.
Ihe scrap-plate is much larger, but still
much smaller than the main plate on which
you are to ply knife and fork.
Hie plate for the bread is yet larger than
the scrap-plate: the other small plates will
be for the salad, or the separate vegetables.
* *
Don’t smack your lips; and don't tilt the
cup or glass upwards until you could see the
sky through the bottom.
It is perfectly proper for you to courteously
call for more sugar for your coffee. The
hostess will send the sugar-dish; and you help
yourself, using the spoon that comes with the
dish.
(continued on page twelve.)
JEFFERSONIAN PUBLISHING CO.
Capital Stock, $100,000.00
(Shares: $5.00, SIO.OO, $50.00 and $100.00)
Gentlemen: I hereby make application
for shares of stock in THE JEF-
FERSONIAN PUBLISHING CO., value
$ each, and enclose my check
for $
Name. _
R. F. D Town
State
(These coupons will be given preference
in the allotment of shares.)
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