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.TOUTS II. CHRISTY. DEVOTED TO NEWS, POLITICS, AGRICOLTORE, EDUCATION AND GENERAL PROGRESS. VOLUME XXI. % #2.00 per Annum, in advance. ;i i -3- ATHENS, GEORGIA,—WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 26, 1874, NUMBER 21. THE SOUTHERN watchman PC BUSHED EVERY WEDNESDAY. „f Brined *md Wall Street*, (m TERMS. i; WO DOLLARS PER ANN UK, IS VARIABLY IN ADVANCE. ADVERTISING. , rirt i,t-n<n;« will bvlnfrtrtwl at ONE DOLLAR »lftV CENTS par.qaarw for th. Aratina.r- l ,ai SEVENTY-FIVE CENTS par square for ■* k'jaotiioaM*. f’ >r “7 timo under one month. For ^-rparixii. « follows: 1 A \ libarel ie iaction on yearly advertisements. LEGAL ADVERTISING. Sk.nj'j isle*. per levy of 10 lines. ...„ -$500 S * - :n irtjf'iie sales. *0 days 5.00 a i- ij Uv,. by A ijiinistratora, Executors, or r£.-Iiani - -<■ W» Citations of Administration or Guardianship.—. 4.00 Jjoesto Debtors and Creditors- 5.00 talssNisi per square, each insertion.—. 1.50 lutf.o s«-l Real Estate.- 4.00 dismission of Administrator 5.00 Guardian 5.15 j, »jcsrt:.in the number of squares in an advertise atar or loituary, count the words—one hundred being ^ssltDtea -inei. All fractions am counted ns full iqsare*- PEOFESSIOKAL iSD BUSINESS CARDS. . inwts. | bowell coaa,SB. rroBB. ERWIN’ i COBB. 1/ ATTORNEYS AT LAW. ATBE.VS, GEORGIA OCee in the Deupree Building. DecSl B ANKR L' PTC Y.—Samuel P. Thurmond, Attorney-at-Law. Athena, On. Ofic* Broad *tr<et,ovtr the *tort of Barry k Sou, WU'.(K4 special attention to cases in Bankruptcy. Al ia, ti :he collection of all claim* entrusted to hi* care TAMES R. LYLE, Attobvuv at Law, W.4 TKIXSYILLE^ OA. JOHN M. MATTHEWS. (j ArroasaT at Law, Daaielsviile, Ga. Prenpt attention will be given to any business en- rsstvi to bis care. Marchl4. E ngland ± orr, Wholesale and Retail Dealers, and COMMISSION MERCHANTS, Dupree Hall. Broad St, Athena, Ga. fi are now prepared to store Cotton at 25 cents per bait, tad will advance cash when desired. 0ct2S. | TT'N'GLISH & CLASSICAL SCHOOL, FA Far Boys. cor. Wray and Lumpkin sts., Ath ene *»*. »p$—3m LEE M. LYLE, Prin. T H. HIGGINS, 0 • haiesale and Retail Dealer in DRY GOODS, GROCERIES. HARDWARE, Ac. FebM Broad Street, Athens, Ga.* r [N H. CHRISTY, Plain and Fancy 300K AND JOB PRINTER, Broad St., Athens, Ga. Dice corner Broad and Wall streets, over the store Jaaes D. Pittard. 1 P AVILION HOTEL, CHARLESTOX, 3. C. This FIRST-CLASS Hotel is situated in the very Metre af tee business part of the city, and all who Rep there will 15 ad every convenience and luxary that •as be procured. Board, per day, $3.00. R. Hasiltos, Sapt. Mrs. L. H. Bcttirfixld, Dec22 tf Proprietret«. QCIMEY i NEWTON, O Dealers in Foreign and Domestic HARDWARE, No. 0,Broad street, Athens, Ga. S C. DOBBS. . Wholesale and Retail Dealer in Staple and Fancy DRY GOODS, GROCERIES, *e. >09 No. II Broad Strret, Athens, Ga. TpMORY SPEER. J~d LAWYER, ATHENS, GA. As Solicitor General of Western Cirenit, will attend the Courts of Clarke, Walton. Gwinnett, Hall, Banks, Jsckfon. llaborebam. Franklin, Rabun and White, asd give attention to collecting and other claims in tboie oountiej. March 19, 1873. K ELIAS. Attornev at Law, • ' FRANKLIN, N. C. Practices in all the Courts of Western North Caro- liia, and in tke Federal Courts. Claims collected is *11 parte at the State. apl$—ly E dward r. harden, (Late Judge U. S. Court* Nebraska and Utah, and now Judge of Brooks County Court) Attorney at Lair, _jlly23 ly Quitman, Brook• County, Ga. T F. O’KELLEY'S O . PHOTOGRAPH GALLERY, Over Williams’Shoe store, Broad street, Athens, sep3. B f. camp. . Attobsit at Law, CARNESVTLLE, GA. Will give prompt attention to all business entrusted ■ bia. He will attend the Conrta of Habersham, smablin and Hall. sepI7—ly. a. r. aowiu. Harms. PEEPLES & HOWELL, ATTORNEYS AT LAW, ‘■hi and 22, Kimball House, ATLANTA, GA. DRACTICE in the State and Federal Coarts, and i V 1 *?'* r, t'*.»r!y all the Courts in Atlanta, iaelud- ‘*t the Supreme Court of the State, and will argue **•* *P°» briefs for absent partiee, on reasonable They also practice ; n the Courts of thee janties con- •€*“«*oraeeessihle to Atlanta by Railroad, sepll M.W.HIDEX, attorney at law, u. s. Claim Agent and notary Pule UAIXE3VILLE, GEORGIA’. ?** °®c» on WiUon street, below Kins A Bro’s. February 19,1873. ,,n *. salts. Estes & bellT ^ATTORNEYS at law, VILLE GEORGIA. VV Police in the conn lies composing the Wes t- etik.*!? 1 u ,r :ait - ‘® J Dawson and Forsyth counties n.ue Ridge Circuit. They will alao practice in J^MraaeConTtof Georgia, and in the United States at Atlanta. may!4 J AS. L. LONG, M. D. burgeon, Accoucheur and Physician, n._ 1 ^*-'* Vr. Tkomae Sheate* Stare,) wood Hope District, Walton co., Ga. Jwa hi, profesaional services to the eitiseae of the Wrresad! >ng country. angST Livery, Feed & Sale Stable, ATHENS, GEORGIA. “Aini ft HEAVES, PROPRIETORS, Wo*feudal their old ttaad, rear FraakUa mwJr"• building, Thoma* street. Keep always **!? Tttrn -°ats and careful drivers. *•“ «»red for irhem entrusted to owr earn. —!!!* on baud for sale at all timae. decJ5—U wALTON HOTEL, l MONROE, GA. 1 iMpsitfilly faifbrm teanlin - * the public o- .a., v—w-. —- WtkT.k Public generally that hwhoa taken charge Hetal, aad will spare no peiCi to make m v t ° n f * n »blt wka may farar kim with their yatran- -- __ eharges will ha reasonable. jaaSS la 'R. B. ADAIR, D.D.S., 0^.— t GAINESVILLE, GA. 1 oeroer FnbUa Sqaarm. *ar3T Boot A. A.. EDGE, Shoe and Harness WAIKLNSTILLE, GA. Jtlert gjisccllang. THERE’S NO HARX IN TRYING. BY JOHN ORION. There’a do b&rm in tiring To gala a great nadle; Tis naeleee all sigbing For fortone or fame. We mat etraia every aerre. Do the beet that we can; Neither falter nor swerve, Bat act like a man ; Leaving nought to mere chance, On eoarage relying— One step in advance— There’s no barm in trying. Oar path is in the straight way; Prees onward to wto— ’'■**'** Bight ap to fame’s gateway. And boldly march in. No matter how lowly. How humble oar birth— Ambition is holy When wedded to worth; Preserve heart and soal— Look back without sighing; Though we gain not (ho goal. There’s no harm ip trying. If ail would be trying. In word and in deed, God’s great gifts applying. Who might not succeed f Time passes unheeded. True treasures are lost, As, when mostly needed. We learn to oar cost. Embellish life's story— It may be undying; Oh, fill it with glory— There's no harm in trying. swing machine side by side at Madame Gril- glard’a. Hasn’t she ever written to yon about Alien Moore t’ * *—I don’t just this moment recall that she THE BACHELOR’S SURPRISE. A chill December evening, with the rain and snow forming a dissagreeable sort of conglo meration on the sidewalks, the gas-lamps at the corners flickering sullenly through the mist, and the wind taking one viciously as one came round the corner. Not a pleasant even ing to assume possession of a new home ; but necessity knows no law, and Mr. Bark dale pul up bis night-key into the red-brick house te the middle of the block, sincerely hoping that bis new landlady would hare common sense to light a fire in the grate. * Is it you, sir f ’ Mrs. Hinman quoth, beam ingly. • There’s a good fire, and it's all right.’ * All right, eh V said the bachelor, feeling the blue tip of his frosted nose, to see wheth er it had escaped being frozen off entirely. ‘ Well, I am glad to hear that Have the trunks come V ‘ Oh, yes, sir ! and the other things.' * What other things V demanded Mr. Bark- dale. Bet Mrs. Hinman pursed her lipa up. ‘ I wasn’t to tell, sir, please.’ * Bather an eccentric old lady,’ thought Mr. Barkdale, pushing past her to the third story front room, which he had solemnly en gaged the day before. It had been rather a dark and dingy little den by the light of the moon; but now, soft ened by the coral shine of a well-filled grate, it wore quite fnother and a brighter aspect. ‘ Velvet paper on the walls, gilt panneling, isd carpet, and a Sleepy Hollow chair,* tboogfat Ur. Barkdale, glancing around. ‘ Not so uncomfortable, after all. When I get my things unpacked, it will seem quite homelike.’ * He sat down bis valise in the corner, delib erately opened it, took out a pair of slippers, and invested his tired feet therein. Next he laid off his overcoat. * Now for a cigar,’ thought he. Bat the brown-layered was yet in his band, when there was a bustle, aad a flatter, and a whisper, and a merry-noise on the landing outside, and the door flew open, as if by mag ic, to admit half a dozen blooming, laughing girls. Mr. Barkdale dropped his cigar and retreat ed a step or two. ‘Don’t be alarmed,’ said the tallest and prettiest of the bevy ; * its only a surprise.’ ‘ A very agreeable one, I'm sure,’ said oar friend, recovering in some degree his presence of mind. * There’s no mistake, I hope,’ said a yellow- tressed blonde. J$ur name is not Greenfield f’ No mistake at all, I assure you,’ said Mr. Barkdale. * Of course it is not Greenfield. Sit down, ladies.' And he poshed forward the Sleepy-Hollow chair, a camp-stool, and two rheumatic recep tion chairs, which were all the accommoda tions presented by his apartment. Bat, in stead of accepting this courtesy, the girts all flattered oat again, giggling, and in a second, before he could realize this strange condition of affaire, they were back again, honquets, a pyramid of maccaroons, piled up plates of sandwiches, of frosted cake, and a mysterious | something like unto an ice-cream freezer. The golden-tressed girt clapped her hands. * Yon needn’t think we are doing all this for you, sir,’ she said. * Oh!’ said Mr. Barkdale, bashfully, • I-I— hadn’t had any such impression.’ * It’s all a surprise designed for Katie’s coo- sin.’ Is it T said Mr. Barkdale. cure In the dark than ever. ’And how do you suppose ere found it all outr demanded the tall girl with the black eyes aad scarlet feather in her hat. ‘Ob,well, it doesn’t matter,' said Alice, ‘ Jnstyon ait down, and be a good hoy, while we fix the tables. Aren’t these roeee beauti ful I My goodness gracious, bow astonished Kate will be!* ‘ She can’t be more so than I am,' said Mr. Barkdale, sinking into the Sleepy Hollow chair, and passing his handkerchief vigorously across hisToTefaead. * Well it’s a mere m&tterof fitte; I can’t see how I am to explain myself; and yet, perhaps, I ought to explain. Ladies—’ ‘ Hash-eh-eh-sh,’ cried the six pretty girls, all in a hissing chorus: * Kate’s coming; Bessie has brought her. Hash-sh-sh ! Don’t say a word, Mr. Greenfield.* The golden- haired girl’s hand was clapped promptly over his mouth. Alice Moore gresped his arm spas modically, and the other foar danced a sort of bewitching little feminine war dance about him, while a seventh gir! entered—a pretty, Madonna-faced creature, like a dove. ‘ Come and kiss him, Kate,’ cried all the others. * Now, don't be ridiculous, for we shan't take any notice. Here he is.’ * Kiss whot* cried Kate, standing still and staring all around her. * Girls, what on earth do you mean F * You provoking thing!’ exclaimed Barbara, stamping her little foot. * Do you suppose we are all fools f Why, of course, we know all about him ! It’s Mr. Greenfield—your cousin. Kate—the young M. D.’ Kate looked around in bewilderment. ’ Where V ‘ Why, here.’ ‘ Nothing of the sort!’ said Miss Kate, de murely. Oar hero stood ap, feeling himself growing uncomfortably warm and red. * Ladies,’ he said,’ ‘ there’s some mistake here. I said at the outset that my name was not Greenfield.’ * There!’ cried the girls at once. * There V echoed Kate defiantly. ‘ Didn’t we tell you V cried the girls. ‘ Didn’t I tell you V retorted Kate. Be kind enough to let os know what your name is, sir V ‘ Cephas Barkdale,’ said the wretched vic tim of a misunderstanding. ‘ Bat,’ said Miss Moore, ‘ yon said it was Nott Greenfield.’ * Of coarse I did!’ said the puzzled bache lor. ‘ It isn't Grenfield, and it never will be unless I have it changed by act of the legisla ture.’ ‘ Oh-h-h !’ exclaimed the girls. • Dear, dear, to be sure ! And we thoaght you were Kate’s lover—and his name is N-o double-t— Nott Greenfield. Do hold your tongues, you ridiculous things !’ said Kate, half vexed, half laughing. ‘ What must Mr. Barkdale think of us all!’ ‘ I think you are very nice,’ said Mr. Bark dale, gallantly. Miss Barbara in the mean time had taken a slip of paper out of her pocket. She uttered a hysterical shriek. It’s all my fault!’ she exclaimed. It was No 39 instead, of No. 36—and the tail of the -horrid figure is turned the wrong eud up— that is all. And the cake and the flowers, and everything.' ‘ Stop, ladies, if yon please,’ said Mr. Bark dale, courteously. Because the surprise has come to the wrong place is no reason why the right person should not enjoy it. Allow me to give up this- room to your use this evening. I will jost step aerssa the street and send Mr. Nott Gresnfield over. * Bat yoa mast return with him,* said the girls. And Mr. Barkdale was not allowed to de part until he had promised. Mr. Nott Greenfield, a good-looking medi cal student, who had the sky parlor directly opposite—came promptly on mention of the name of Kate Kellford, and did the polite thing of introducing Mr. Barkdale ; and Bark dale ate of sandwiches, and enjoyed the «^ko and cream, and coaxed Miss Barbara to pin a little pink rosebud in the button-hole of his coat, and enjoyed himself prodigiously., ‘.I'd like to be surprised like this every night in the year,’ said be. ‘Oh, yon greedy creature!’ said Miss Bar bara. Bat there was one time F seriously medi tated throwing myself out of the window, when you told me t was to kiss Kate,’ said he. ‘ Dear, dear!’ said Barbara, ironically; that would have been dreadful, wouldn’t it V * Bat the awkwardness of the thing.’ ‘T dare say-ysu never kissed a pretty girl,’ pouted thebldode. " * I never did,’ said the bachelor, growing told, * bit Iwill now if you say so.* * Bat I don’t say so,’ said Barbara, coloring and laughing. • Behave yourself, sir.’ Mr. Barkdale went boom with the fiur Bar bara and they grow to be very great friends, and—where’s the use trying to conceal how it all ended f They were married at the year's end, with all the six sorprisers for brides maids, Kate Kellford included. Mr. Nott Greenfield proposes to follow the «*T*mpU as soon aa bo get* bis diploma. * read it, aad we raoolTed to take both by surprise. She ip to be'fiere in an hoar. Barbara—that Barbara Morris, long lashes toward the golden-haired girl, ‘ pretends she has moved hare, and Hat* is to eoiso and spend the evening with Barbara. Won’t it be a jokef * Stupendous I*said onr hero,-gradually be ginning to comprehend the fact that he was mistaken for soom ono else. ’What will Kate say'whtashe sees yoa here V ejaculated another maid, merrily. 'Ah! what, indeed f said Mr. Barkdale, wondering in what words be could best ex plain matters. • 1 '* ’Of coarse we shall all look the other way while yon are kissing and hogging her,’arid Miss Barbara, demurely. • Very considerate of yon, I am sore,’ ob served Mr. Barkdale. ’ She’s the sweetest girl in New York,’ ex claimed the tall damsel enthusiastically. am one of her dearest friends. We work oar ‘ I haven’t the least idea.’ ‘Wefoondyoor letter t°Kite.and we gfids ^ is ^Tew a specimen of printers' technical terms. It don’t orach as it woald «wmi to the . , . ■ an initiated ; “Jim, pot George Washington oo rathe M^merino draw^ with a tom otto .gal*y,«dthe.flri* the rnuri* yoa meoced yesterday. Set op the rain of Hecca- laoeam, and distribute the small-pox; yon needn't finish that runaway match. Lockup Jeff. Davis, slide Ben. Batter into hell, and let that pi alone till after dinner. Pot the ladies’fair to press, and go to the devil and put him to work on Deacon Fogy's article on eternal punishment.” “OYER THE DIM.” A. BENEDICT. You have been so long in the dark adrift, Aad now yoa are over the dam, yea say; The current so steady, so strong, so swift, Has carried yoa oat of my reach away— And L with the sunlight over my fees, Am thinking how never a life like jours Can hollow in blackness a burial-place While God forgive th or love endures. Wild, from the surges, you wail to me. With tones that torture and moans that mock, But you are not bet, and yoa wiB not be, Thoagh torn and broken by reed and rock. For the hand of a memory, calm and clean. Will lift yon into the light at length. And her lipa, with many a kiss between. Will breathe aboutyouandgiveyon strength. And th* blossoming isle of a beautiful hope Will give you its grasses for sleep and dreams, Till, cool and quiet, your sweet eyes ope Where lilies whiten the infinite streams. I catch my breath, and the terrible pain Tearing my bosom the saints divine; And my tears are fast as an April rain. For their hands are nearer to yon than mine. And they grabbed Slimmer by the bowser tegs and bong to his coat taiL • Woman,* he shrieked, * this is getting ten ons. Unhand me, I say.’ And he tried to disengage himself from her embrace—while the brakesmen, and the bag gage master, and the news-boys stood around, and said bis conduct was infamnna. la the midst of the straggle a stranger entered with a carpet-bag. He looked exactly like Slimmer —and when he saw his wife in Sliaimer’s arms he became exelted, and floored Slimmer with that carpet-bag, and sat on him, and smote his nose and caromed on his head, and asked him what he meant. Slimmer was removed on a stretcher, and the enemy went off with his wife and family in a cab. ,He called next day to apologue. His wife made the mistake be cause of Summer’s likeness to him. And now Slimmer wishes be may soon be kicked in the face by a male, so that be win resemble no other human being in the world. Josh BUlings on “ Dispepshy.” I have been a practical dispeptik for 37 years and four months, and it would have been mnnny in my pocket if I bad been born with out enny stnmmnck. I have prayed upward of one thousand times to be on the inside like an oetrich, or a travel ing col porter. I have seen traveling colporters who could eat as much as a goose. I have seen a goose eat till they eonldn't stand jap enny more, and then set down and eat sum, and then roll over and eat sum more. I have tried living on filtered water and go ing bare-foot for the dispepshy, and that didn’t hit the spot. I have soked at water-cure establishments until I waz so limber that I kouldn’t get my self bak agin inside ov my Baldwin apparel. I bought a saddle-horse once, who was got up expressly to kure the dispepshy in 90 days or kill the horse. He waz warranted to trot harder than a trip-hammer, pull wusser on the bits, stumble safer down hill than enny other hoes on the futt-stool. I rode the hoss until I waz ov a jelly, and then sold him bridle and all for sixty-eigbt dollars, and got sued by the purchaser, and had to pay him 90 dollars and some sents dam age, because the boss had tho ’Nimshys,’ a disseaze I kna nothing about. The hoss and fixings cost me 460 dollars in gold. I kontrakted for eleven kords of hickory wood, kross grained, and as phull ov wrinkles as an old cow’s kora, and sawed away three months on it, and the pile seemed to grow big ger every day. I finally gave away the saw, and what wood there waz left, to save my life, and sat down discouraged, a square victim to the everlast ing dispepshy. I have lived at the sea side, and gamboled in the saline flood, until I was az a number one salt makrel. I have dwelt at Saratoga, and taken the water like a mill-race, and still had the dis- pepahy. I hav waiked 2 miles before breakfast, and then ett a sliee or dry toasr, and half the yelk ov a pallet’s eg, and felt a’.l the time az weak ez a kitten that haz just cum out ov a fitt. I hav laid down more than 2 thousand times, and rolled over once a minnit all night long, and got ap in the morning like a korpse, and thare didn’t nothing seem to ail me enny where in partiknlav. I have read whole libarys on the stnmmnk aad livrx, and, when I got thra, I knn a grate deal teas what was the matter ov me than whrra I began. I hav drank whiskee with roots in it ennff to carry off any bridge or saw-mill dam in the country. I have worked on a farm for my Tittles and board, and dieted on fried pork and ri bred until I was ez thin as the sermon or a 7 day Baptist preacher. I hav all these things and 10 thousand other things just as ridikilos, and I have guC the old dispepshy yet, just as natral and az thik az the pimples on a fom.- year old goose. If yn get a good holt ov the dispepshy once, you can't never loose it entirely; it will cam aroand once in a white like a ghost, and if it don't scare yn an much az it did once, and make yn think yn are grin g to die to-morrow, it will make yoa feel just az sorry. Josh Billings. — The Great Strasbnrg (Sock Beaten. A German of Cincinnati has invented s clock which, though smaller than the celebrated on* at Strasbnrg, is, from its description much more complicated. We see, in a glass case a three-story, stespted-shapsd clock, foar feet wide at the first story, and nine feet high. The movement is placed in the drat story, npon (bar delicate columns, within which swings the pendulum. Thtr second story consists of two tower-like pieces, on the doors of whieh there are two pictaree that represent boyhood and early manhood. A tower crowns, as third story, the ingeni ous structure. A cock, as a symbol of watch fulness, stands on the top, directly over the portal. When the dock marks Hie first quar ter the door of the left piece of the second stafyoperrS; and a child issues from the back ground, comes forward to a little bell, gives it one Stow, and then disappears. At the second quarter, a youth appears, strikes the bell twice, and disappears; at the third comes a man in Ills prime; at the fourth we have a tottering old man, fearing on a staff, who strikes the * where it is, and bet on it, and sure to win. Thera ain’t no defraudin’ tkar.’ • Perhaps yeufbooor would like to go a V itP insisted the counsel. ‘Go«Vt Yes, and doable it, too; and herb’s the rhino. It’s under the middle cop.’ I’ll go a V on that,’ said the foreman of the jnry. * And V * and I,’ joined in the jurore, one after the other, until each one bad invested hie pile. Up r said his honor. Up' it was, bat the ‘ little joker ’ bad mys teriously disappeared- Judge and jury were enlightened, and focad no difficulty to bring ing is a verdict to fevor of the plaintiff; on the ground that it was the ‘ darkest kind «’ de fraudin’.’ Laughter Analysed. Most of the philosophers who have set to work to define mental sensations insist Steh itaethe“dwd^f laughter supposes a feeling of superiority in the laugher over the langhed at; bat they seem to overtook the great distinction bet’ laughing at and laughing with any one.— Doubtless a feeling of contempt often, raises a laugh, and the absurdities of men and women are a constant food for laughter; but humor ists often laugh at themselves. Nothing will illustrate better the absurdity of the wholesale statement that laughter implies contempt than Charles Lamb’s relation to Coleridge. He constantly laughed and joked at the preaching of the philosopher, but he revereaced his friend of fifty years, and looked up to him with child ish love. A‘Westminster Reviewer’ defines the cause of laughter as the representation of objects with qualities opposite of their own; hut all incongruities do not cause laughter.— Ludicrous incongruity is opposed to digntty> and this is why those who have little wisdom to fail back upon hate a laugh. Lord Boling- broke said that gravity is the very essence of imposture; and Joe Miller is the authority for the assertion that as the gravest beast is an ass, the gravest bird is an owl, and the gravest fish is an oyster, so that the gravest man is a fool. If any one is inclined to doubt Joe Mil ler's dictum, we can corroborate it by the au thority of Plato, who, when indulging to the gayety of bis heart, used sometimes to say, ‘ Silence, my friends! Let us be wise now; here is a fool coming.’ Lord Chesterfield was □o fool, and he disapproved of laughter; but he allowed his son to smite, for be did not ad vocate gravity. He considered laughter as ill- bred, not only on account of the disagreeable noise, but because ri the ‘ shocking distortion of the face that it occasions!’ It is &ppy for the world that such false notions are not now received. Some suppose that laughter is caused by novelty and surprise, aai » Weoeh philosopher, in accounting for the fact that, although we are told our Lord wept, we never hear that he langhed, suggests to ns the rea son that nothing was new to him. Although this is good enough as a theory, it is grounded npon a mistaken idea ri laughter, (or we often laugh on the recollection of a witticism.— Nevertheless, surprise is a material element of laughter, although it is not confined to that emotion. It has been well observed that ‘ the only constant effect that follows on an original striking comparison is a shock of agreeable surprise; it is as if a partition-wall to our in tellect was suddenly blown oat—two things formerly strange to one another have flashed together.’ PreToklag a Preacher to Anger. A man was once employed to provoke a cer tain preacher to anger, and undertook the task in the following manner; Sir,’ said he • you are a fool !* ‘I know that,” said the preacher, “and it some time before yon mentioned it to The Fellow that Lo oks Like He. Max Adder, who writes for a Philadelphia paper, has a friend named Slimmer, who de pity. He was go ing ap to Reading the other day, and when reaching the depot he happened to look in the ladies’ room. A wo man sat there with a lot ri baggage and three children, and when She. saw Slimmer she rush ed at him, aad before be coaid defend himself she flung her anus aboat- his neck, nestled hri bead upon his breast, ar«d bant into U' SHmmer was amazed, indignant, confounded; aod ere he coaid find at tera nce for his fed togs, she exclaimed * Ob, Henry, diear Fienryl We are united at st! An yoa wel’it Is aunt Martha still allvef Haven’t jmo longed to see year own Louisa f And rite looked Into Summer’s face and smiled throo^h her itself. When the hours are fail, the door of the right piece ri the second story opens, and Death, as a skeleton, scythe in hand, appears, and marks tfre boor by striking a bell. Bat it is at-tSI twelfth hour that we have the grand spectacle in the representation of the day of judgment. Then, when Death has struck three blows on the little bell, the cock on tbe top ri the tower suddenly flaps his wings, and crows in a shrill tone, and after Death has marked the twelfth hour with his hammer, be crows again twice. Immediately three angels, who stand as guardians in a central position, raise their trumpets with their right hands (in their left they held swerds) and blow a blast towards each ri tbe four quarters ri tbe earth. At tbe last blast the door of the tower opens, and tbe resur rected children ri earth appear, while the de stroying angel sinks oat of sight. Then, sud denly, Christ descends, surrounded by angels. On his left there is an angel who holds tbe scale ri justice; on his right another carries tbe Book ri Life, which opens to-show tbe alpha and omega—the beginning and tbe end. Christ waves his band, and ins tan dy the good among the resurrected are separated from tbe wieked, the former going to the right and tbe latter to the left. The Archangel Michael lntes tbe good, while on the other side stands the devil, radiant with fiendish delight—be can hardly wait for the final sentence of those who fall to him, bat in obedience to the com mand of the central figure he withdraws. The figure of Christ raises its hand again, with threatening mien, and the accused sink down to the realms of his Satanic majesty. Then Christ blesses the ehoeen few, who dre' him. Finally we bear a cheerful chime of bells, during which Christ rtees. surrounded by His angels; until be portal closed. A complete drama is here represented with out the aid of a human hand. The movements are calm, steady, and noiseless, with the ex ception of the threatening gestures of the fig' are of Christ and the movements of Lncifer, who darts across the scene with lightning rapidity. Of coarse the peculiar action of these two figures are intentional on the part of tbe artist, and adds greatly to the effect. A Horse Chauffer. A fellow being called as a witness to one of the courts, the Judge demanded t ‘ What is your trade V * A horse channter, my lord.’ * A what f—a horse chaunter T Why, what’s that V * Vy, my lord, ain’t fbu up to that ere trade F * I require you to explain yourself.* * Vel, my lord,’ said he, * I goes round among the livery stables—they all on ’em knows me— and ven I sees a gen’man bargaining for an ’orse. I just steps up like a teetotal stranger, and seal, ‘ Vel, that’s a rare ’an. 111 be bound, he’s got the besatifalest ’end and neck ever seed,’ ses I; • only look at ’iz open nos trils—he’s got vind like a no-go-motive Hi be bound; he’ll travel a hundred mites a day and never once think ont; them’s the kind of tegs vat never fails.’ Vel, this tickles tbe gen’man, and he ses to ’imself, ‘ That ere ’onset country man's a rare judge of a ’one ;* so, pleaie yoa, my lord, he bays *im, and trots off. Vel, then I goes np to the man vat keeps tbe stable, and I axes ’im, * Vel, vat are yoa going to stand for that era ebannt V and he gives me a sover eign. Vel, that is vat I call ’orse ehauntiag, my lord; there is rale little ’em to it; there is a good many sorts oa as; some channtsca nals, and some channts railroads ’ ty A resident of New Haven has given np steamboat travel. Not long ago, having occa sion to visit New York, he started for the steamer's landing, with a carpet-sack is hand and a cane in the other, to what he sup posed to be ample time. Bat when ha within sight ri the wharf, be observed the boat apparently swinging away from her moor ings, and amid the shouts aad jeers of the by standers he broke into a frantic van fir the landing. The boat was eight or ten fo«|t ftjp the wharf when he reached the place where he bad hoped to find, a gang-plank, tog daunted, and trusting to the momentum ‘ Madame.* saif t»«temnlv ‘If I am the stored during the ran, he leaped totethe air sa*\ be sotemnly, and gained the Teasel's deck. Not 'ritfuat, person alluded as Henry, permit that yon bare made a mistake. My name la Lemuel.YMe n bonmvMartha, and l.dori£ own a aofitr ^ oblige mo by letting 8» my x, it excites remarks.’ * •* r die buried her bonnet deeper into his wa * a *"®' oat, and began to cry harder than over, “f'iid: ‘^jh, Henry, how canyon treat ma sot Hew w a yoa pretend yoa are not my husband F • Madame,’ screamed Slimmer, * If you «do f 'cot cease sopping my shirt bosom, and remove How Tbe Doctor’s Cared They tell a queer story about the doctors In a certain Texas town, who wen all away laa* Summer to attend a medieal convention. Thev were absent about two months, and oa their i ^ ^ the drag stores had closed, the nones f^d - opened dancing schools, the cemetery >«,] been cut upipto building lots, the under’^b err . to-makrag .fiddles, and tha brare * as a —Ex. The children are here,’ she persisted.— * They recognize their dear father. Don’t yon, children T • Yea, yes,’ they exclaimed, * it’s pa, It’s oar dear pa.’ accident, however. The carpet-hag struck one passenger so violently in the stomach that he doubled np like a jack-knife, and absorbed, a whole flask of brandy in getting straightened ont, while the cane struck another man to the 1 face with sufficient force.to induce him to get down «o.his knees to look after bis to^t, When lie told recovered it, the man who had occasion ed ail this commotion said to him, in a tone of mingled apology and self-congratulation— Well, I made it !• - * Yes, yon did,’ said the sore-headed passenger, ‘bat, yoa d—d old fool, this boat ain't going ont, she’s coning in.’ I believe my fate will be that of Abel’s,” said a wife to herhnsband one day. If Why so,” inquired her husband.” “ Became Abel was killed by a club, and your clnbwill kill me if yon continne to go to it every night.” ‘Yon are ignorant.’ ‘ I know that, and have been trying to be clear from it by learning to know myself.’ ‘Yon are net fit to preach.’ ‘ I know that, and daily wonder that God shoald bless an instrument so unfit for anch an important work.’ * You ought to be carried out of town to have justice done you.’ ‘I know that, and according to justice, out of tbs world, too, for I long ago forfeited my life.’ * Yon are net worthy tbe notice of any re spectable character on earth.’ I know that, and yet these are tbe only characters who take any respectable notice of me.’ * Yon are not worth talking to, or with.’ * I know that, and it is singular that yoa shoald acknowledge it, and then spend yoar time in acting contrary to what yon say is true. ‘ I never saw such a person as yon are.* * I knew that; bat I cannot say so much of yon, for your father’s children are numerous, and there is a family likeness throughout the whole.’ » ... i church Scene, Old Mr. Collaraore is very deaf. The other Sunday, In the midst of the services, Mr. Hoff, who sits im mediately behind Mr. Col- lamoro, saw a spider traveling over the latter’s ba'd head. His first impulse was to nudge him and Mil him aboat ft; bat be remember ed that Collamore was deaf, so he lifted up bis hand and brushed tbe spider off Hoff didn't aim quite high enough, and consequent ly, in bis nervousness, he hit Collamore quite a severe blow • the old man turned aroand in a rage to see who had dared to take each liberty with him, and Hoff began to explain with gestures the cause of the occurrence. Bat Collamore, in a load voice, demanded what he meant. It was very painful to Hoff The eyes ri the whole congregation were upon hfm and he grew red in the face, and to despera tion exclaimed: ‘ There was a spider on your bead!’ * A white place on my head, hey t— S’poeen there is, wbat’s that to yoa f, said Col lamore. * TanH know what it ta to be bald- headed yoarsdlf, someday.’ * ft wssa spider,* shrieked Hoff, white the congregation smiled, add the perspiration began to roll off hte face. ‘Cdrtamly it’s wider,’ said Collamore, ‘and got mere in it than year's. Bat yoa let it Jcme-Hto yow mind t Yoa let ray head alone to church.’ - * Mr. Collamore,’ shrieked Heff 1 there was h bug oh yhur head and I brushed ; off—this way,* and Hoff made another ges ture at Collamoro’s beadlThe old man thoaght he was going to fight hTm then and there, and hnrBng his hymn book affHoff he seized the kneeling stool on the floor of the pew, and was aboat to bang' Hr. Hoff, wben the sex too In terfered. ‘ An exptenatteo was written oo the fly-leaf of the hymn book, whereupon Mr. Collamore apologized to a boisterous voice, and reshmed hte seat. Then the services pro ceeded. They think ri asking Mr. Coliamore to worship elsewhere. Gearinctog the Coart* In the good old time* in Kentucky, when i aahetantiai justice * was adminhitered to a log iabto after a free-and-easy manner, a suit brought to recover certain money ri which it was alleged pteirqifT hod been defrauded by the ingenious operation known ts In the course of the trial plaintiffs counsel, who happened to h» an expert, undertook to the court aa to the raate* operands of Patting himself into position, 1 he produced the three caps and the ‘ little joker.’ and proceeded, salting the action to his warn • * Then, map It please the cenzt* tbs- defendr ant, placing the cops on his knee thus, began shifting them sot offering to bet that my client could not tell under which eup was the ‘ little joker’—meaning thereby, may it please the court, this ball—with the intention of defrand- ing my client of the sum thus wagered. For instance, when I raise the cap so, yoar suppose that yoa see the ball ’ , = :. l rSuEPoael.aea!’ interrupted the jadge, had closely watched the performance, and was sere that bo detected the ball, as one of cups was accidentally raised. • 1Yhy, any Wajside Gatherings. Patrick,” said the priest, “ How much hay did yon steal t” “ Well, I may as well confess to your riverenee, for this whole stack, for I am going after the balance of it to-night.’ .. When is a loaf of bread said to be inhab ited f When there is a little Indian to it. —An Iowa editor recently announced that a certain patron of hte was thieving as usual. It was written thriving. —Lady visitor—My dear, do you know if your mamma is engaged t Little girl of the —Rnoaoed f bless you, why she is mar ried. ..Sing Sing official—‘ If yon have any trade, prisoner, state it, and we will put you to work at it.’ Prisoner (jost entered)—* Well, boss, I was brung np a bar-tender, and I would like to go to work at that.’ .There is one Western paper that makes no boasts aboat the town to which it is pub lished. It is tbe Daily, of Burlington, Iowa, and it say3: • If this town ain’t dead, we we want to know where to find a corpse.’ ..An up-country woman gave birth to foar children last weok. When her husband pro tested, she whimpered out, ‘Shadracb, yon know how these reaper accideats are reducing the population of Wisconsin.’ ..The boy who, when asked to wbat, trade be woald wish to be brought up, replied: I will be a trustee, because ever since papa has been a trustee we have had paddings for din ner, was a wise child to his generation. —An Irishman with a heavy bundle on bis shoulder, riding on the front of a horse-car, asked nby be did not set tbe bundle on the floor. He replied: Bejabers, the horses have enough to drag me-and I will carry tbe bundle. ..When an editor offers bis paper for one year as a premium for the largest watermelon that may be brooght to him, somebody may get the foil value ri a watermelon—it is cer tain that the editor will get more than tho value ri hte papers. . . A jolly member of tbe exchange who has a habit ri winking every time he speaks, has been christened tbe “ eye stutterer.” ..“ Ob, Lord! thou knowest,” prayed a Conneettent deacon to church meeting, “ that lam-afflicted with a most impious and deprav ed son. Then knowest that he will swear, aod lie and steal, and do all sinful things. Then knowest that on the test Sabbath be was seen walking down the principal street to the vKtoffe, with his hands to hie pocket, whist Hog tbe following ungodly tone—” and the congregation were astonished to bear Yankee Doodle” flew melodiously from the deacon’s porsed-ap lips. ..This is how ft happened in Southwest Missouri: He fooad a rope and picked it np. And with ft walked away; It happened that to t’other end A none was hitched, they say. They foond a tree, aod tied the rope Unto a swinging limb; It happened that tbe other end Wss somehow hitched to him. Too Observers by Half.—Little Billy was vary cross and tired the other aight, and be wasted hte fatherto take him on his knee; but father was tired, or pretended to be. ‘I want yon to take me op as yoar knee,’ he whined. .’ . • • .f, * I tell yoa I cannot do it; I am tired,* re plied Ms father, impatiently. ‘Tired !“ You wasn’t very tired test night when yon held Mary on your knee to the kitchen.’. Billy gok a.spanking, and was put to bed, after which Mr. and Mrs. B. had a little con fab. That pretty servant girl ulury (3 now looking for another situation, without a char acter to assist her. ^8 .Who the ..* Who’s that gentistnan, my little taunt’ was asked of an urchin. * That one with the spika-tailed coat}’ ■ -ri “Why, he’s a brevet uncle of mine.” “ How’s that!” was asked. m fool “’Cause he’s engaged to my ai -