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Bones, Brown ft Cos., I. ft S. Bones ft Cos., AUGUSTA, GA. BOMB, GA. Established 1825. Established 1869. BONES, BROWN & CO., IMPORTERS And dealers in Foreign & Domestic HARDWARE AUGUSTA GA.. “ ’W’- B- VAIL, witß REAS & CASSEL.S, Wholesale and retail dealers in Foreign and Domestic Dry Goods 209 Broad st., lat stand of H. F. Russel ft Cos. AUGUSfA, GA. Wholesale and retail dealers in English While Granite & C. 0. Ware ® ALSO, Bemi-Chma, French China, Glassware, &c. No. 244 Broad Street, AUGUSTA, GA. T. MARKWALTER, MARBLE WORKS, BROAD STREET, Near Lower Marke^ AUGUSTA, GA. THE AUGUSTA tiilding, Looking-glass,Picture Frame FACTORY. Old Picture Frames Regilt to look Equal to JV eM. Old Paintings Carefully Cleaned, Lined and Varnished. J. J. BROWSE, Agent, 346 Broad st., Augusta, Ga. E H. ROQEIBS, Importer and dealer in RIM, GOBS PISTOLS And Pocket Cutlery, A-iiinaanitioxx of all Kinds, 645 BROAD STREET, AUGUSTA, GA. REPAIRING EXECUTED PROMPTLY SCHNEIDER^ * DEALER IN WINES, LIQUORS AND CIGARS AUGUSTA, GA. Agent for Fr. Schleifor ft Co.’s San Francisco CALIFORNIA BRANDY* jahbolu euequgtt champagne. E. R. SCHNEIDER, Augusta, Georgia. (gUwtON §ushw LIGHT CARRIAGES & BUGGIES. ELBERTOSI, GEORGIA. BEST WORKMEN! BEST WORK! LOWEST PRICES! Good Buggies, warranted, - $125 to $l6O Common Buggies - SIOO. repairing and blacksmithing. Work done in this line in the very best style. The Best Harness My 22-1 v T. M. SWIFT. MACK ARNOLD SWIFT & ARNOLD, (Successors to T. M. Swift,) DEAtEiIS IN dry goods, GROCERIES, CROCKERY, BOOTS AND SHOES, HARDWARE, &c., Public Square, ELBERTON GA. hTkTgairdimer, ELBERTON, GA., DEALER IN MY Mil MDCIIK HARDWARE, CROCKERY, BOOTS, SHOES, HATS Notions, &c* EEbERTON" FEMALE ®fflleprte|nsfitate THE exercises of this institute will be resum* ed on Monday, August 18th, 1873. Spring term, four months. Tuition, $2.50, $3.50, and $5 per month, according to class payable half in advance. Mrs. Hester will continue in charge of the Musical Department. Board in the best families can be obtained at from $lO to sls per month. For further information address the Principal, H. P. SIMS. , THE GAZETTE. ISTew Series. SEWING MACHINE AGENTS. BY JERUBHY PEBKINS. there's two things on this airth that there haint no escape from! And them is death and sewing machine agents. Lightning rod men is eanamost as bad, but they don’t quite come up to the mark. You may turn, and twist, and plan, and argyfy, and contrive, and lay your self out ginerally, but you can’t git rid of & sewing machine agent. He’ll stop to dinner, and pick his teeth with your best silver forks while he tells you about the virtoos and graces of the lock stitch, and feeder, and the improv ed shettle, and all that kind of talk, that, everybody knows so well. And I’ve took notice that ginerally a Bice looking man, and that makes it wtiss for ye, because no woman, as is a woman, can be onpolite to a handsome man, with tidy sidewhiskers, and modest look ing boots, and onixpressibles: For about ten year, I should say, the sewing machine men have been a pester ing me to buy machines. They’ve left every kind of machine under the sull for me to tty, and I’ve done up my sowing on them and it haint cost me a cent.— And when the agents would come round I would jist tell ’em the machine didn't 6kactly suit me, and they’d cany ’em off again. But this spring I come across anew agent. His name is Whicksy. Rather an oncommon name, and he is an uncom mon man. Ellen Sophier says he is a beauty, and she should fall in love with him if it wasn’t for Arthur Grey, and then Arthur gets sulky, and she has to kiss him, and twiddle with his mus tache and call him her “old darling’ about half an hour afore he’ll come round right. Mr. Whicksy he was determined to sell me a sowing machine. It was anew kind of a one. It hadn.ll ±La ments, and some besides 1 It woiild do all kinds of work that ever was done, and about fifty kinds that’d never been done! It was a light ruuning little thing. It never got out of repair. You couldn’t run it wrong if you tried. It was fun to operate it. Queen Victoria had one she made all her night gounds and things on herself. Gineral Grant’s wife had one that all the Gineral’s shirts was sowed on. That was what made him such a close man. His clothes was sowed up close. A person who once had this machine would rather die than part with it! The agent himself had rather be burned at the stake than not have this wonderful machine! So had his wife ! So had all his folks, including his grandma, and his mother-in-law’s grandma, which was one hundred and two, and had all her reasons, and had strowed flowers before Washington, and could repeat the chatechism from one end to tother, and could see to thread her needle without specks. I won’t tell the right name of this mar chine, because it would be kind of un fair—so I’ll just call it for handy, the Queen. It was cheap. Forty dollars cheaper than the other kinds of machines, and forty dollars is worth saving. Forty dollars will buy a nice hog; and at the last elecshnn forty dollars would have bought almost any man’s vote in Pigeon Holler. That agent was too much for yer Aunt Jerushy, and she collapsed after he'd stayed to our house three days, and bought his machine. I had sot it in the sitting room. The day after I bought it I went to making some night gounds like Queen Victoria. The thing went on a little while, and then it went backwards. I couldn’t stop it to save me ! The more I trotted my feet the more it went the wrong way! By and by the shettle hopped out and bounced onto the floor, the cat grabbed it and kited for the wood shed, and I af ter her with the broom! I got the shettle and went to work again. The under thread broke. Then the - upper, and so on for half an hour.— I fixed the under tension. Then I fixed the upper tension. Then I fixed both of ’em. Then I iled the thing. Then I tightened the belt and Went at it. Both threads broke together now. I took the critter apart and looked into his in ards. I put hiTn together agin, and sot anew needle. I sowed a few stitches, and then there was a crash 1 Needle broke, got another one. Got it too high— ELBERTOK) GEORGIA, JULY 30, 1873, It didn’t reach into the shettle Tn.ee.— Sot it lower. Got it too low, and broke the pint off. Sot another. It skipped stitches. Then the belt come apart, I give it ftp and made the night gounds by hand. Next day there was a spot of ile on my setting room carpet as big as yer hand, where the ile had run off‘ from that machine. I tried it agin in a day or two, Had just about the same agin. The next day the same thing, and so on for a week. Then I got mad and Swore revenge on that machine agent I watched for him, and in about a fortnight I seed hfcn driving by fts fast as ever his horse could travel. I grab bed a basin of com and ran out He clucked to the hoss, but it wasn’t iio use —the annermile had caught sight of that corn, and wasn’t to be got by withcluck ing: Air. Whicksy had to stop. I told him about the machine, and asked him to take it back and give me my thirty dollars. He laffed at me and lit a cigar, and sed he didn’t make no such bargains as that ere. Wten he made a trade, he made it. And then he clucked to the hoss. But that .ere hoss was a conscienshus beast, and with his eye on that com he did’t budge an inch. The agent got out of his waggin, and used some insulting langwidge to me. He called me an old termy-grunt, and sed Jonathan Perkins Was ta bC pitied. And he sed he’d have me arrested for stopping him on the public high way. Then mi indignation riz. I seized him by the collar, and I shook him with all mi might, and shook him so hard l that very teeth dropped _ Lead, aha was grabbeaUp our old iuA cy gobbler; who gobbled ’em up in no time. Who’d have thort that young man’s teeth was false ? You’d ort to have seen his agony.— Words can’t do it justice. He was go ing to see his gal, and how could he ap peal’ afore her toothless 1 He let it all out, and then he set Sal after the gob bler. But the animile flew up onto the roof of a com house, and there he sot and laffed at us as well as ahe turkey could. Mr. Whicksy he begged of me to do something. I told him I’d kill the gob bler and git the teeth if he’d take back thft macliine, and he sed he would. And he did. Mose White knocked the bird down with a fishing-pole, and Whicksy went away with his mouth full of teeth. He never stopped to wash ’em but put ’em rite in. I hadn’t got any sowing machine now. Put this in small letters, so that no agent will notice it. LINES ON THE DEATH OF A GOBBLES. In eighteen hundred and seven-ihree Was done a dreadful tragedy ! A wicked gobbler swallowed down Some teeth in Pigeon Holler town, Belonging to a man that peddles Sowing machines with patent treadles ; Great was his grief; loud he did cry, “Oh I save them teeth, or let me die I For if my darling sees me thus There’ll be a dreadful awful fuss I She’ll mitten me and take Sam Rust— And then, dear Lord, my heart’ll bust.” Then Mose:, the deliverer, come 1 He struck his fishing-polo right home I Down came the gobbler, teeth and all, And lit upon the garden wall; He wrung his neck, and cut his crop, And lo! them teeth did outward drop! Sinners, who read this tale beware I Let all your deeds be true and fair, Lest like that gobbler, you shall find Your sin’s reward comes close behind. He gobbled up the teeth, poor elf, And then got gobbled up himself I PA SAYS SO. The imitative propensities of Young America are quite equal to those of the monkey tribe as will be seen by the fol lowing illustration; Johnny, a three year Old, was at din ner with the rest of tits family, which in cluded an aunt on a visit. “Aunt Ella,” asked Johnny,| ‘do you ever say devil T “Why no, Johnny, what makes you ask such a question t" replied the aston ished lady. “Because Fa says so. Fa, what made you say devil the other day, when you was looking for the hammer and couldn’t find it?” “Oh!” said Pa, rather cornered, “did I? Well, st) as to find it easier, I sup pose.” Here the discussion ended, the explan ation being considered as good as could be given under the circumstances, blit Johnny’s relative memory treasured it up. A few days afterward, Johnny’s cap, as little caps will do.JJgot odt of its place, and Johny forgot where he had left it.— His mother told him to lookjtillhe found it Off he started, up stairs, and down stairs, and soon his treble voice rang through the halls, crying out, “devil! devil ! DEVIL!” “Jon, my son!” called out his fright ened mother, “what ill the world do you mean by using that wicked|word ?” “So as to find my cap easy!” cried John. “Pa says devil when he can’t find things !'* The mother negotiated with Johnny’s father to use more select words in the presence of his children. There is a hint to parents in this sto ry worth more than a quarter. THE ADVANTAGES 01 BEING A TREE MASON. A London letter contains the follow ing amusing story s Speaking of railways, there has been ft most humorous incident on one of OUr east country lines. In a village near’y five miles from a station—which in En gland signifies a spot very milch otit of the world indeed—resided a certain yeo man whom some of his convivial friends desired to become a Freemason. Being a sensible though simple man, he had long declined these overtures, upon the ground that it would do him no good.— His wife was fond of secrets, he allowed; tt th§jn admit her into their confidence .mt for his ownqmrt, he eared nothing for such rubbish. He ac cepted, however, an invitation from a Masonic friend, who asked him to come down to Norwich, where a lodge was to be held and [especially] a dinner given by the brotherhood. They arrived at the station some time before their train was due, and while walking up and down the platform his Companion, who had ta ken an opportunity to “interview” the station-master, renewed his solicita tions, “You talk of its being no ‘good’ to be come one of us,” said he. “Why, to be gin with, if you were a Freemason you would not have to pay for going to Nor wich.” “How so?” inquired the rustic. “Well, Freemasons never do pay for their railway tickets. They only have to make the sign, and then they pass in free.” “I don’t believe it,” said the farmer, stoutly. [ln the eastern counties flat contradiction is thought nothing of.] “Nay, but it is so indeed. If you will give me your honor never to make use of it again, unless you join us, I will teach you the sign to-day, and you shall have an immediate proof of the truth of my statement.” ' “What! do you mean to say —” * “Yes, I do; but the train is already due. Will you promise never to mention what I am about to disclose to you [for else I am a dead man], and also that you will not take advantage of it save on this occasion only ? Very good. Now come into the office, and rub your hand slowly down your face three times—thus —as you will see me do; then ask for your ticket.” There were a good many people about the pigeon-hole through which the tick ets were being given out, and the two friends took their places in the queue. The Freemason placed himself before his friend, and when his turn came offer ed no money, but saying, “First-class, Norwich,” gravely stroked his face three times, whereupon the station-master looked at him significantly, and gave him his ticket. The rustic did the like, and similarly received his pass. “Why, this is most extraordinary," whispered he; “it will save me twenty pounds a year in going to market. “Of course it will; but remember your promise; you must not take advantage of the privilege unless you become one of us.” “11l do that as Soon as you like, be gad!” was the enthusiastic reply. At Norwich this sanguine individual was accordingly admitted to be a mem- Vol. 11-dSTo. 14. ber of the mysterious order, and what ever personal inconveniences the ceremo ny may have cost him, he forgot them when on his return journey he arrived at the Norwich station, and reflected that there was nothing to pay for his retrans mission to Wisbeach. His friend was ilo longer with him, bilt so simple a sign as the stroking of the face three times was not one about Which any mistake could be made, Accordingly he approached the pigeonhole with confidence, said; “First-class, Wlsbe&eii,-" and performed the mystic ceremony. The station-mas ter looked at him very h&M, and remark^ ed, “Seven-and-sixpence.” “He couldn’t have seett me do it,” WaS the farmer’s reflection, and he therefore made the mysterious sign again, with greater deliberation and gravity than be fore, “I don’t know why you are making those faces,” observed the station-master; “but your fare is seVeh-andsjjtpence.” “But don’t you see ?” expostulated the newly made Mason. “I am on the free list.” And once more lie made the sig nificant symbol, “You’ll be in a lunatic asylum before long,” was the official's cynical rejoin der ; and it was not without some diffi culty that, at the last moment, the farm* er obtained his ticket CVefi by paying for it, so persuaded was the station-master that he was out of his mind; and ought to be locked Up, The poor farmer was indeed very near ly mad with rage and chagrin at having been so shamefully taken in, and when he next met the friend who had so de ceived him he addressed him by no means in a conciliatory manner. The hoiit Was late and the lane was lonely; the rustic was powerful, and he had att oaken cud gel in his hand. “I have got a little ac count to settle with you, my Mend. You made a fool of me about that railway ticket. You told me that I could always get one free by stroking hiy face three times, IT I became a Jtrreemawuu." “So you can, my dear Sir,” said his companion, eyeing the cudgel with great intelligence > “I proved it to you at Wis beach station. Don’t you remember ?” “Yes, but you said it was good for all stations, and it don’t do for Norwich. I stood like an idiot for ten minutes strok ing my face—like this—before the ticket office, and very nearly got put in the lock-up for my pains.” “Did you stroke your face like that?” returned the other. “Then, indeed, it is no wonder you were not attended to. I have no doubt the station-master thought you were an impostor.” “But that was the way you taught me confound you ?” “Yes, for the down line. But since you were traveling the other way, my dear Sir, you should have stroked your face upward, of course, like this.” “By Jove!” cried the farmer, slapping his own leg with his stick. “I never thought of that What a precious fool I’ve been!” “Just to,” returned his friend, who took care to leave that part of the coun try before next market-day. It would have been too expensive to have made a private arrangement with the station master every time that his rural acquain tance took the train. LOOKED OUT. It’s all very well to laugh at, now it’s all over, but if you wish to know what a pleasant effect being the wrong side the door has, at half-past two in the morn ing, lose your key and try it. I arrived at my apartments [I live ten or twelve miles out of town] at half-past two last Thursday morning, and, looking up smilingly at my windows, I felt for my key. Those who carry latch-keys can readi ly realize my sensations when I found I had left it in town. To wake the inmates was a matter of disturbing the whole neighborhood; I therefore determined [after waiting thirty minutes for a po liceman} to effect an entrance by the staircase window. I must mention that my house Is one of a short row, in which there lives a butcher, baker and chemist—each of whom keeps a dog or dogs, more or less vicious, according to the amiableness of its owner. Having determined to attempt the great window feat, I went round to the back of the house and looked over the paling. Scarcely had I raised my head, than “800-woo-wooK’ went a dog with whom I had some Blight acquaintance. I addressed it Soothingly by its Christiai name, “Gip,” The Sound of my voice set the remain der of the dogs off, and in less than U minute there was a ToW only equalled by & pack in full cry. This naturally woke some of the no-; blef animals; and one gentle female with a shriek Voice put her head out of the window and asked, in a hysterical tone, who was there f The ever-ready answer, "Me,” burst forth, regardless of grammai'i “Where are the police 1” continued tlie screech: * Precisely what I hat# been asking my t Clf for the last thirty minutes,” an - swe'fed I, At this juncture I attempted ala Ugh, and nearly overbalanced myself, and, iff regaining my position, I kicked the pal ings, on Which I was seated, so vigorous ly, that off went the dogs louder than before, and several more windows went ttP- At the Chemist’s appeared something that looked like Robinson Crusoe, ably supported by La Sonnambula in a night cap, “What’s the matter?” sensibly asked* third wiiidow, “Matter?" shrieked all the windows together; but their explanation was lost in the general hOwl of dogS, “You shall hear of this in the morning’ said one irrepressible female. “It strikes me I am hearing of it—very much of it-——in the morning, you mean later in the day. Call to lunch,” said 1 “and let’s have it out.” The windows Went dowh with a hang and I weiit off the palings with another, falling within a yard of a beautiful bull mastiff, who showed me the perfect ordtT in which he kept his teeth; after a satir* factory inspection thereof, I described a circle round him, and reached the wash house. One foot on the window-sill and one hand on the leaden Spout, I prepar ed for the great feat, but at that instant [owing to the dog’s violent efforts to strangle itself], the staple holding the chain gave way, and, without a word of apology, he seized toe by that portion of my clothes unknown to angels. I held on to the spout, the dog held on to me* One derisive laugh Tang through the air. A lapse of several seconds, each of which seemed an hour.- Every moment I expected would be my last, when, within reach, I saw a bronmhandle ; to seize it, and deal myself a fearful blow, was the work of an in stant. Horror! the spout is giving way. A second fearful blow proved more fortu nate—l broke the wash-house window ; one more, and I landed the stick on his nose, in a way that sounded like cracking an egg-shell, A dreadful howl followed; he let gO. Windows again up—general howling, shouting, and a rally all round. During the melee I disappeared in at the win dow, and peeped round the blind; row gradually subsided. An interval of five minutes. All qui et. An interval of five more minutes. A policeman! composed, unruffled, digni fied! The Laird of M‘Nab being at Leitli races, was mounted on a nag of such small size that it was a doubtful ques tion which was the largest—the horse of the rider j and at last, as he rode up to the starting-post to get sight of the lucky winner, the poor beast fell under the weight of his load with his baok literally broken. The next year the Laird was at the races again, upon a steed no larger flinn the unfortunate one of the previous year, when he was accosted by a young dandy with, “Well, M‘Nab, is that the same horse ye had last year?" The Laird replied with an overwhelm ing blow from an enormous whip that he carried that stretched the youngster in the sand, and accompanied the blow with, , . “It’s no the same horse; but ken ye, Billy, it’s the same whup.” Judge Norton was solemn, stern, and dignified to excess. He was also at once egotistical and sensitive to ridicule. Judge Nelson was a wit, careless of de corum, and had a sharp voice. He did not like Judge Norton. At a Bar supper Judge Norton, ifl an elaborate speech, referring to the early days of Wisconsin, the rude practice of that period, and the discomforts of the profession in anew country, described with tragic manner a thunder-storm which once overtook him in riding the old circuit It was night, in a forest; the scene was awful, “and,” said the Judge, “I ex strike the tree under which I had taken shelter. “Why, then,” interrupted Nelson, In his peculiar squeal, ‘*Why ifl thunder didn’t you get under another t ftif" The party roared, the Bplendid period was spoiled, and the poor Judge sat down. - +4m* <—— “Oh, grandma,” cried a mischievous little urchin, “I cheated the hens so nice* ly just now! I threw them your gold beads, and they thought they were coin, g id they ate them Up just as fast as thy could.” Chickens wanted at this officer