Newspaper Page Text
PROFESSIONAL CARDS.
Til OS. W. TEASLY,
ATTORNEY AT LAW.
HARTWELL, GA.
Will practice in Superior Courts of Ilart, El
bert, Oglethorpe and Madison. Prompt atten
tion to collection of claims. ly.
R. 11. JONES,
AT T ORNEY AT LA W,
ELBBRTGN, GA.
Special attention to the collection of claims, [ly
J. N WORLEY,
ATTO RN E Y A T I. AAV,
EIIeRTON, GA.
W r ILL PRACTICE IX THE COURTS OF
the Northern Circuitand Franklin county
KkarfSpecial attention given to collections.
J. S. BARNETT,
ATTORNEY AT LAW,
BLMBTQN, GA.
JOHN T. OSBORN,
ATTORNEY AND COUNSELOR AT LAW,
ELBEKTON, GA.
>l7 ILL PRACTICE IN SUPERIOR COURTS
V* and Supreme Court. Prompt attention
to the collection of claims. nevl7,ly
QIIAS. >V. SEIDEL,
ATTORNEY AT LAW,
Hartwell, Hart Cos, Ga.
ELEIERTON BUSINESS CARDS.
UGKT CARRIAGES & BUGGSES.
J. F. A4JF33
I, I f ACT'K
ELItERTON, GEORGIA.
WITH GOOD WORKMEN!
LOWEST PRICES!
CLOSE PERSONAL ATTENTION TO
BUSINESS, and an EXPERIENCE
OF 27 YEARS,
lie liopes by honest and fair dealing to compete
any other manufactory.
QoOd Buggies, warranted, - $125 to $l6O
REPAIRING AND BLACKSMITHING.
j Ti " -
AVork done in this line in t very best style.
“ /l Tlno Best Harness
TERM® liVSII.
.V y 2 2-1 v /’ __
mm (rßoeimi
ROBERT M. HEARD
lias just opened a store on College Avenue, next
door lo J. H. JONES’, where he will con
stantly .keep a well assorted stock of
-HHWKWIS"
Tobacco, Sugars, &c.
VgfiY CHEAP FOR CASH ANH'CASH ONLY
Clad to see my friends and the public
generally. [mel)2B,tf
HARNESS SHOP
SEN H. SHANNON
Informs the people of this community that he
has fitted up a shop on the corner of Church
and College streets, next door to Auld’s Carri
age Manufactory, for the manufacture and re
pairing of
HARNESS, SADDLES, BRIDLES
and anything else made of Leather.
The best Harness from $lB to $25 per set, in
which w ill be used the best Norther Leather,
warranted 12 months.
I learned my trade under my father, and I
think I know my business. Patronage solicited.
BEN. H. SHANNON.
March 7—4 m.
•
HEW STORE HEW GOOES!
I. Gt. SWIFT,
Will keep on hand
FLOUR, MEAT, LARD, SUGAR, COF
FEE, HAMS, CHEESE, CAN
NED GOODS, &c.&c.
And other articles usually kept in a first-class
Provision Store, which will be sold
Cheap for CASH and Cash Only.
'ANYTHING- ~~
FiHiM A CRADLE TO A COFFIN
Made to order at short notice and in the best
manner by
WRIGHT & DSADWYLER.
Repairing neatly and promptly executed.
SHOP AT FRANK SMITH’S OI.D HILLIARD
SALOON.
Feb7—4m.
SPECIAL
NOTICE!
The firm of J. 11. JONES & CO., dissolved by
mutual consent, first of January inst. JOHN
H. JONES senior partner continuing the busi
ness at the old stand, where he will keep a full
assortment of goods at low prices. Resnectfully
soliciting a continuation of the liberal patron
age bestowed on the old firm.
All those ind. bted to J. H. Jones & Cos. by
Note or Account are earnestly solictited to pay
what they justly owe, at the business must and
will be settled.
JOHN H. JONES.
February 28—tf.
LjP/TG TO per day at home. Samples
*IPgP 'JPeOV/worth $1 free. Stinson & Cos.,
Augusta, Maine. ly
THE GAZETTE.
jSTew Series.
THE MODEL SUBSCRIBER.
“Good mvirning, .■ i ; Mr. Editor, how are your
folks to-day ?
I owe you for next year’s paper ; I thought I’d
come and pay,
And Jones is agois’ to take it, and this is his
money here ;
I shut down lendin’ it to him, and then coaxed
him to try it a year.
\nd here is a few items that happened last
week in our town,
I thought they’d look good for the paper, and so
I just jotted ’em down.
And here’s a bushel of russets my wife picked
expressly for you ;
A small bunch of flowers from Jennie, she
thought she mast do something, too,
You’re doin’ the politics bully, as all our family
agree ;
Just keep your old goose quill a flappin’, and
give them a good one for me.
And now you are chuck full of business, and I
won't be takin' your time,
I've things of my own I must tend to—good day,
sir, I believe I will climb.”
The editor sat in his sanctum, and brought down
his list with a thump,
“God bless that olJTarmer !” he muttered, “lie’s
a regular jolly trump.”
And ’tis thus with our noble profession, and thus
it will ever be still—
There are some who appreciate its labor and
some who perhaps never will.
But in the great time that is coming, when Ga
briel’s trumpet shall sound,
And they who have labored and rested shall
come from the quivering ground.
And they who have striven and suffered to teach
and ennoble the race,
Shall march to the front of the column, each
one in his (Ipd-given place ;
As they march through the gates of the city,
with proud victorious tread,
The editor and his assistants will not be far from
the head!
A GREAT MISTAKE.
At a certain age one is liable to be sentimental,
therefore it is '.' ell to begin my story by stating
the fact that I had arrived at that certain age
with bumps that would have delighted a Lav.i
ter, since the various little idiosyncrasies which
will dev. lop my character in the course of this
narrative will be a surprising illustration o
phrenological contretemps.
I had taken the train at the very Dutch and
respectable city of Schenectady, for purposes
which will duly transpire, and was delighted to
find the car full of people as I entered—for,
next to the poets, at this certain age, the study
of character, as seen in a railroad carriage, was
my most profound delight.
On this particular day, however, the most in
teresting of my companions du voyage were ab
sorbed in the highly mattcr-of fact discussion
of peanuts—with their teeth—and, with a mind
half made up to feel injured, being deprived of
my cliicfest enjoyment in travelling, I had taken
a sensational friend in red cloth bindings from
my sachel, and was about turning in disgust
from the real of humanity to an ideal world
peopled with chinning pen-and-ink folk, when
the voice of a man, most musical, arrested rny
attention, and immediately my whole thought
was precipitated in one grand concentration
upon the speaker, who sat direct in front of me,
and of whom 1 could see nothing but a pair of
magnificent shoulders, a strong, broad neck, a
mass of bewitching black hair, and a section of
Panama hat.
I do not for a moment suppose that this dem
onstration on my part was attended with any
particular noise, momentous as it would at first
appear; nevertheless, without other, or the least
visiable cause, the stranger turned him fairly
around upon his seat. For a moment our eyes
met, holding one to the other in unaccountable
questioning, then, somehow, my book went tum
bling down off my lap. I stooped to raise the
elegant and wicked gentlemen and ladies be
tween its covers from tin contaminating and star
tled dust of the car-floor, and, again resuming
a perpendicular, I saw the back of the stranger
as unconcernedly opposed to the plush cushions
and my gaze as if there were no books to fall,
no embarrassed young woman to disorder her
best bonnet in performing the face-reddening
office of picking them up ; as if there were no
persons to be considered in all that car-load of
self-importance, save his magnificent self.
I do not think that I could have grown redder
tnan I had already become, in my spasmodic
effort to convert myself into tbe similitude of a
hairpin in the interests of literature; but I cer
tainly waxed indignant at this exhibition of
royal indifference, utterly unwarranted by the
circumstances. Still, had a stranger been
closely observing my countenance, that sti anger
would have pronounced upon the blanching of
my peony cheeks, upon the bluish line creeping
around my mouth, and a frightened expression
that came into my eyes, because of the inexpli
cable suddenness ot the change.
“I should preftr 10 sacrifice a dozen such for
tunes as the one you claim I have thrown -way
rather than bind myself to a bride not of my
own choosing, and to a wedded life from which
the very circumstances attending it would pre
clude all hope of love !” I bad heard the strang
er say, with great force of manner; and, for a
most excellent reason, 1 could have sobbed
aloud, but that I was altogether too large for
such an undignified proceeding in public, to say
* nothing of the absurd tendency toward pink
which my unfortunate nose always manifested
on such occasions.
“In attempting to map out the destiny of an
other, one is usually preparing oneself for ulti
m te dcfea*,’’ answered the compauion of this
emphatic stranger; and then there came a roar
ing in my ears that out-clamored the rumbling
of the train. The locomotive, I was persuaded,
must have taken to some- mad pranks of steam
and power, for I felt the car rise up under me
like the bowed back of a cat, and then I and
my consciousness shot cut into ineffable space ;
and a moment later, with an odd sense of hav
ing done something mortifying and unusual, 1
became assured that the train was pursuing its
switt, accustomed way with a rush and a roar,
a rattling of windows, and a crackling of check
lines in their -in rings, and there was another
and a strange face, clear cut and restful, bending
over me, and that a hand, strong and beautiful,
held a glass of water rather too tightly against
ESTABLISHED 1859.
ELBBRTOI, OA.. APRSI; 11,1877.
I my iips, that were still ugly with the blue of
I suspended circulation.
Perhaps it is necessary for the purposes of my
j story that I should distinctly state at this exact
' period that I had for the first time in all my
j healthy young life, fainted away; and it may
jbe equal. y necessary to say that I came too.
I was once more an upright occupant of the
j seat placed at my disposal for a small consider
j ation by the obliging railroad company. The
glass of water had been withdrawn from my
reluctant lips, with part of its contents be
stowed upon the tront breadth of my poplin
gown, and part distributed over my face, mak
ing an unhappy smudge of the pearl powder
and locomotive dust previously adorning it
The stranger knight was once more seated be
side that other man with the broad, strong neck
and handsome shoulders in front of me, and I was
quite abandoned to my weakness and chagrin-,
with plenty of time lor reflection between my
self and the statiou to which I was ticketed.
I make no doubt that such conduct as I havet
described on the part of a strong, hearty, well
intentioned, and well brougi t up young woman
may seem decidedly queer to some people ; and
: as I have a great respect for the opinions of
even 'he pious precise, and innocuous folk in
the world, I beg leave to explain that this inde
corum of mine was entirely due to two persons,
who, having been young before I was born,
were indiscreet enough to love each other con
trary to the parental judgement, and who had
been cruelly separated in consequence
These two young persons, with hearts duly
broken, went their several ways, and, in the
course of time, with that recuperative faculty
with which the affections are endowed, each
saw another of-tiie sex “devoutly to be wished,” !
and entering into the state matrimonial without
violence or constraint, it is to be inferred were
moderately happy.
Here the romance properly should have ended,
but it did not; and these two persons, unhap
pily parted in their youth, entertained a senti
ment for each ot or quite reprebensib.e, consid
ering that the sentiments of each were under
distraint, which reached a point of culmination,
when the lady had.beeome the mother of a daugh
ter and the gentltmen the father to a son, in
the betrothal of the innocents; binding the
agreement with the condition that should either,
ai riving at years of discrection, refuse to ratify
the contract made for them, the one so ob
streperously conducting him or herself should
forfeit the fortunes naturally inherited from the
respective and respected narent.
Well, the heroine of this lovetale was my
mother. I beg you not for an instant to think
that I have the slighest fault to find with the
dear lady wiio thus diveded the family romance
into two volumes, leaving to me the ardor and
arduous closing chapters ; but when you have
taken into considera ion that this man with the
musical voice, with thj magnificent shoulders,
and that luxuriant and finger-tempting head of
hair who sat directly in front of me, and who
had delivered bimsetf of the above quoted start
ling protest against prearranged matrimonial
alliances, was clearly the man to wnom I had
been betrothed by my mamma at an ini-,
mature to admit of any thing
preference ou.my part, yon wjjj."ow.jjjc; I%aj*t,'
even hysteria; if I could have managed if.
wherewith to meet the situation like a woman.
I had never seen the gentleman before—my
mother very properly refraining from meeting
her old kvr in the days of their mutual widow
hood, and my affianced having passed the later
years of his life abroad—therefore, I can not, of
course, have been exactly in love with him.—
Nevertheless, he might have waited to see me
before rejecting me, I thought; and, although
I am rather too florid for indignation. I planted
my fact upon my carpet-bag, and bridled my
head, independent of the ear-window against
which my neck neck had at first deposited it,
in no contemptible imitation of both.
The train drew up at a wayside station with a
shiver and shriek. We, that is the man in the j
Panama hat and I—were on route for the home !
of an old lady—who would have been our pa
rents' bridesmaid had they spared us this un
happy complication by marrying each other—
whereat we were to meet in respectable conflict
to which we stood pledged.
The brakeman opened the car door rapidly,
and exploded something, the report of which j
having no sound simi ar to the articulation of |
the words, was to be interpreted as Palatine |
Bridge; and, with a sudden determination that j
this high mightiness whom I had been brought I
up to consider ns my legitimate tate should I
never have the opportunity to reject me, as he
evidently proposed doing, I gathered up my
traps, left the train, telegraphed to my maid,
who was to follow me in the evening, and found
myself seated in the stage running therefrom to
Sharon Springs, immensely pleased with my
own cleverness, and facing the man with the
clear face and helping hand who had deluged
me with water during my moment of imbecile
weakness in the railway carriage.
The rencontre vexed me momentarily ; but
from this 1 recovered, especially as, having on
my feet a pair of boots excruciatingly pretty, j
and new, and tight, I was obliged to ask him
to get out and walk up the very first of those
interminable bills forming the rocky way to
Sharon, in order that I might relieve my great
toe joint from the intolerable pain arising from
undue pressure. Then, of course, one must be
civil when one has asked a favor, and so we fell
into pleasant converse, which only terminated
when the peculiar odor for which the springs
are chiefly remarkable stole down to meet ns
and we v ere both compelled to hold our noses
between our thumbs and fingers in dclerence to
the distinguished and undiserimiating courtesy.
I am not acquainted with voiy many Teutons
of degree, conf.eqently I met few persons of my
acquaintance at Sharon ; but the place is un
deniably jolly and enjoyable, and in all my pe
regrinations here and there I seemed to rneetmy
clever and kind fellow-traveler, particularly at
those moments when an escort seethed most
desirable.
I think we had been at the Springs a week
when my mind suggested to me that it would at
least be convenient to know the name of the
gentleman who was making himself—well, let
us say—useful.
Several time3 during the day this suggestion
occurred but I did not seem to ste exact
ly what was to be about it. until, standing
in tha evening under the blazing chandelier of
the dancing-parlor, 1 heard someone speak my
name in the crowd by the window, and ask who
this gentleman was upon whose arm I leaned.
Now, in the main, 1 was an extremely well
conducted young woman. I had even been
known to pass a very severe criticism upon those
young ladies of our acquantance who would
allow themselves to be addressed bj r gentlemen
who had not been properly presented. A chill
ran down my back, and, trembling before the
specter of outraged propriet'es until the sumach
berries in my corsage went also into tremors
and broke away from their slender stems, I said
to my companion :
“Take me out upon the veranda please 1”
There was a peculiar sweetness about the
midnight air we breathed—something peculiarly
impressive about the midnight field of blue
stretching above us, spangled over with flashing
stars-of-Bethlehem and golden buttercups,
through which the white moon traveled— there
was something softly subduing in the tender
night-dews falling about us ; but I struggled
womanly against the influences that were ; and
blurted out too energetically for euphony, too
abruptly for good taste :
gjj| “What is your name ?’’
W : “Campbell Clinton.”
St’- There may be persons who can scientifically
account for the phenomenal sensation I experi
enced at hearing this answer, but IJcan do noth
ing of the sort The ground slipped uncon
scionable from under my feet.
1 do not think I actually reversed myself in
mid-air in the extraordinary manner my scat
tered senses would indicate; but the golden
buttercups and the flashing stars of-Bethiehem
whirled in dazzling showers nboutme. Ic’utch
ed desperately at what appeared to be the dark
bonier ol a falling cloud, but that proved to be
the lapel of a broadcloth coat, and, after a lapse
of fearful indecision I cried:
' “Oil, Lord! I thought you were the other
man !”
, “What—the stranger in the Panama hat?
Well, I guessed as much when you tumbled off
Hor seat in the car upon overhearing his vehe
baent protest agai st a-situation in which he
found himself, very similar to the one in which
the forethought of our parents lias placed us !”
“Yes, but 1 don’t understand. You \vt r : !o
go to Mrs. Denistown’s !” 1 said, in a confused,
helpless fashion.
? . “And so were you ; but. you ran away from
me, and—l followed you.”
“But how could you know that I was 1?”
, “Easily enough. By reading your name upon
the plate of your traveling bag.”
Well, I beg your pardon for not having staled
at once the simple fact that the -trange gentle
man with the clear, restful face and strong,
beautifu. hands, was really not at all a stranger,
but the son of my mother’s first love, to whom
and had shown myself one grand simpleton
throughout the affair; yet, while I may still
further be imposing upon good nature, allow me
to say, and because I take a certain pleasure in
tie announcement, that the affair is all agreea
bly settled now. Wo went in the most matter
of fact war to Mrs. Denistown’s and were mar
ried from her house.
Our combined fcrtur.es enable us to live quite
as wjs wish, and we are extremely obliged to out.
parents after all tor this second volume of the
family romanee tor which they so kindly laid the
plot.
LOOKINGFOR WORK.
A tramp, depressed by hunger, but
bristling with ambition to work, came
into this office this morning and wanted
a “sit.” There was nothing for him to
do, the foreman told him. But lie beg
ged all the harder. He was penniless,
hungering, but be would not take chari
ty. He wanted work. His importuni
ties grew so strong that a compositor
was induced to vacate liis case for the
accommodation of the wretched strang
ei’, and the stick and rule were given
him. He looked at the copy, at the case,
a/id then around the room with an ex
pjjiesion like unto that of a pleased
he mentioned tligt ije could !
not |g:> to work untd he had breakfast.
It lacked but an hour to noon, so the
foreman said that as the typo was need
ed he had better wait till after that
time. But he was so faint he could not
possibly lift a type. So a man was dis
patched with him to a restaurant, and
he breakfasted. He came back with a
face radiant with gratitude. He took up
the stick again, smiled agreeably at the
copy, and said to the foreman:
“I guess I’d better hunt up a boarding
house, eh?”
The foreman kindly volunteered to
perform that office for him. Again he
toyed with the stick, and again he smil
ed at the copy. Then he said:
“As this is Saturday, and too late in
the week to do much, I guess I’ll wait
till Monday to go to work, so as to com
mence fresh and square.”
There was a sudden commotion, a
hasty movement of legs, shooting stick,
planer, and a few other articles of less
importance, but the tramp reached the
door first.
The office is waiting for Monday with
anxiety.
— „ *
DOES FARMING PAY.
In conversation with a distinguished
citizen of this State yesterday, this
thought was suggested by him. It will
do to ponder over. He said many peo
ple think farming does not pay, but
when you consider the enormous inter
est our farmers pay in one way and an- i
other, it is astonishing that they have !
anything. When a man fails at every
thing else he goes to farming, and buys
everything on a credit, or borrows mon
ey at a high rate of interest, and be
cause lie does not make money be thinks
there is no money in farming.
This is true, and when we think of the
matter - , we can at once see that those
who fail to make money fanning are the
men who borrow money at from 12 to
18, and sometimes 20 per cent., or pur
chase guano that sells for $4O per ton,
at SGO on credit, and other articles in
like proportion. There is no business
that a man can engage in that can stand
this pressure, and it is just as certain as
fate that he who undertakes it will
meet, in the end, the sheriff—or bank
ruptcy. There is notin our Lnowletge a
farmer who attends to his business, who
pays cash for what he buys, without
paying interest for it, that lias failed
since the war. Men who borrow money
bi - eak in almost any kind of business.
The men who lend it get rich. “Pay as
you go” is a good maxim, and applies to
farmers as well as other men.
[Atlanta Constitution.
Once upon a time an eminent London
physician asked the quack, Dr. Lettsom
how it came to pass that Dr. Lettsom’s
practice was so much greater than liis
own. “You know you are a quack,” he
said, “and I am a physician.” “Per
fectly well,” replied Dr. Lettsom, “but
just look out of the window here. Of
those ten people going past how many
do you think are sensible persons ?”
“Perhaps one in ten,” said the physician
doubtfully. “Exactly so,” replied the
quack, “and that one in ton is your
patient. The other nine aro my pa
tients.”
Vol. V.-No. 49.
THE ELBERT COUNTY COURT.
We publish a copy of the bill extend
ing the jurisdiction of this court for in
formation :
An Act
To change and amend an act entitled an
act to limit and define the jurisdiction
of the County Court of Elbert County
in matters of debt, approved March
Ist. 1875, to extend and further define
the jurisdiction of said court, and for
other purposes therein mentioned.
Section 1. Be it enacted by the Gen
eral Assembly of the State of Georgia,
That said act be and the same is hereby
changed and amended and made to read
as follows, to-wit: That the county
judge of Elbert county shall not from
and after the passage of tliis act, have
authority and jurisdiction to try and de
termine matters of debt when the prin
cipal sum is less than fifty dollars, except
in the militia district in which the town
of Elberton is located, and also except
in the following cases, to-wit: When in
any militia district in said county where
there is no lawfully elected and qualified
justice of the peace, nor a lawfully ap
pointed and qualified notary public, who
is ex-officio justice of the peace, or there
being such, and both refuse to serve
generally, or refuse to serve in any par
ticular case, or both are disqualified from
presiding, or both or either are parties,
and there is no justice of the peace and
no notary public in the district, who
consents, and is qualified to preside :
Provided, that all matters of tort and
all cases and matters mentioned in sec
tion 295 of the Code of Georgia of 1873,
and all cases and matters and issues
connected with, incident to, or growing
out of the same, whatever may be the
amount, shall remain and be within the
jurisdiction of said County Court over
the whole county.
Secton 2. Be ic further enacted by
the authority aforesaid, That the special
jmidiction conferred on said County
Court by section 283 of said Code be
and is hereby extended to cases of con
tract and tort when the amount claimed
is over one-hundred and does not exceed
five hundred dollars principal.
Section 3. Be it further enacted by
the authority aforesaid, That nothing
contained in this act, nor in the, act of
which it is amendatory, shall be con
strued to impair cases and matters pend
ing in“s.wtHwSltlL
certiorari or new trial as prescribed by
existing law, ‘nor to limit the jurisdic
tion of said court otherwise than herein
distinctly expressed.
Section 4. Be it further enacted by
the authority aforesaid, That all laws
and parts of laws in conflict with this
act be and the same are hereby repealed.
HANNAH ANN STERRY.
It was a great many years ago that
the story was first told of Miss Hannah
Ann Sterry, an uncommonly mature
virgin who had never been persecuted
with masculine attentions be,cause of the
vigorous manner in which she shunned
the face of man. It was related that
Mr. Theopilus Wimblebee, an advanced
bachelor of the mildest possible deport
ment, occupying single quarters in the
neighborhood of Hannah Ann’s apart
ments, called on the spinster one after
noon to borrow a match. Hannah Ann
was not easily fooled. Folding her
hands on her level breast, she backed
Theopilus Wimblebee into a corner,
and thus addressed the invader:
“Match ! Oh, yes ; great match ’t.is
you want! You don’t want no match,
and you know you don’t. You’ve come
over here’cause I’m alone—to hug and
kiss me—that’s what you’ve come for—
but you never shall do it in the world
unless you are stronger than lam
and added in a softened tone, “and the
Lord knows yon are.” A friend of Han
nah Ann’s, reading a letter from a pub
lic man the other day in which the writ
er said: “To recapitulate, lam not nor
never have been a candidate for renomi
nation ; I would not accept it if it were
tendered, unless it should come under
such circumstances as to make it an im
perative duty, circumstances not likely
to arise,” laid down the paper with a
sigh, and remarked, “Ah, how much that
reminds me of poor, dear Hannah
Ann ”
A GENEROUS OFPER,
Another amusing incident is told, as
hiving occurred recently at a church,
in , not many miles from . The
clergyman, it would appear, desired to
call the attention of his congregation to
the fact that it being the last. Sunday of
the month, he would administer the
right of baptism to children. Previous
to his having entered the pulpit he had
received from one of his elders, who by
the way was quite deaf, a notice to the
effect, that as the children would be
present that afternoon, and he had the
new Sunday school books ready for dis
tribution, be would have them theie to
sell to all who desired them. After the
service, the clergyman began the notice
of baptismal service, thus : “All those
having children, and desiring to have
them baptised, will bring them this af
ternoon.” At this point, the deaf elder,
hearing the mention of children, sup
posed it was something in reference to
liis books, raising up he said : “And all
those having none, and desiring them,
can be supplied by mo for the sura of
25 cents.”
Senator Hoar says he can see no con
necting link between piety and talking
through the nose.
ARTEMUS WARD’S SERENADE.
Things in our town is workin’. The
canal boat, “Lucy Ann,’’ called in here
the other day, and reported all quiet on
the Wabash. The Luoy Ann has adopt
ed anew style of Binnakle light, the
shape of a red head who sits over the
compass. It works well. The artist I
spoke about larst lias returned to Phila
delphy. Before ho left, I took his lily
wkito hand in mine, I suggested to him
that if he could induce the citizens of
Philadelphy to believe it would be a good
idea to have white window shutters on
their houses, and white door stones, he
might make a fortune. “It’s a novelty,”
I added, “and may startle ’em at first,
but they may conclood to adopt it.” As
several of our public men are constantly
being surprised with serenades, I con
clooded I’d be surprised in the same
way, so I made arrangements accordin’.
I asked the band how much they’d take
to take me entirely by surprise with a
serenade. They said they’d ovenvlielm
mo with an unexpected honor for §7,
which I expected. I wrote out my itm
promtoo beforehand, bein’ careful to ex
punge all ingramaticisms, and paying
partic’lar attention to punktooashun. It
was, if I may say without egotism, a
manly effort; but, alars ! I never deliv
ered it, as the sequel will show you. 1
paced up and down the kitchen speakin’
my peace over, so as to be entirely per
feck. My bloomin’ young daughter
bothered me summut by singin’, “Why
do summer roses fade?” “Because,”
said 1, arter bearin’ her sing it about 14
times, “because it’s their biz ! Let ’em
fade.” “Betsy,” said I pausin’ in the
middle of the room and letting my eagle
eye wander from the manuscript; “Bet
sy, on the night of this here serenade, I
depil e you |to appear at the winder
dressed in white, and wave a lily-white
handkerchief. D’ye hear?” “If I ap
pear,” said that remarkable female, “I
shall wave a lily white bucket of bilin’
hot water, and somebody will be Rcald
ed. One bald headed old fool will get
his share.” She referred to her husband.
No doubt about it in my mind. But for
fear she might exasperate me I said
nothin’. The expected night cum. At
9 o’clock precisely there were sounds of,
footsteps in the yard, and the baud'
struck up a lively air, which whep they
did finish it, their were cries of IjVardl.
Ward ! I stept out on the portico. A
brief glance showed me that the assem
blage was sumrnat mixed. There was a
good many ragged boys, and there was
quite a number oi grown up persons evr
idently under the influence of the intox
icatin’ bole. The band was also drunk.
Dr. Schwazey, who was holdin’ up a •
post, seemed to be partic’ly drunk—so
much so that it had got into his specta
cles which were staggerin’ wildly ovei;
Lis nose. But I was in for it, and I com
menced :
“Fellow Citizens: For this unexpect
ed hono’ —” -
Leader of the band.—Will you give
up oar tnonov now $r wait till you getl*
through ? - '
To this painful and disgusting inter
ruption I paid no attention. “ — to r this
unexpected honor I thank you.”
Leader of the band.—But you said
you’d give us seven dollars if we’d play
two choruses.
Again I didn't notice him, but resum
ed as follows : “I say I thank you warm
ly. When I look at the crowd of true
Americans, my heart swells—”
Dr. Schwazey —So do 11
A voice—We all do !
“my heart swells—”
A voice.—Three cheers for the swell.
“We live,” said I, “in troublesome
times, but I hope we shall again resume
our former proud position, and shall go
on in our glorious career!”
Dr. Schwazey.—l’m willing for one to
go on in a glorious career. Will you
join me fellow citizens, in a glorious ca
reer? W T hat wages docs a man got for
a glorious career, when he finds himself.
“Dr. Schwazey,” said I rather sternly,
“you are drunk. You’re disturbin’ the
meetin’.”
Dr. S. —Have you a banquet spread in
the Louse ? I should like a rhynossyros
on the half shell, or a hippopotamus on
toast, or horse and wagon roasted
whole. Anything that’s handy. Don’t
put yourself out on my account.
At this point the band began a hidy.
ous noise with their brass horns, and an
exceedingly ragged boy wanted to know,
if there wasn’t to be some wittles afor3
the concern broko up ? I didn’t exactly
know what to do, but about this time
an upper winder suddenly opened and a
stream of hot water was bro’t to bear on
the disorderly crowd, who took the hint
and retired at once.
When I am taken by surprise with an
ohter serenade, I shall among othor ar
rangements, have a respectful company
on hand. So no more from me to day.
When this you see, remember mo.
YOUR MOTHER AND SISTERS.
Never use a lady’s name in an im
proper time, or in mixed company.—
Never make assertions about her that
you think untrue, or alluions that she
herself would blush to hear. When
you meet with men who do not scruplo
to use a woman’s name in a reckless
manner, shun them. They are the
very worst members of the community
—men lost to every sense of honor, ov
ery feeling of hvmanity. Many a good
and worthy woman’s character has been
forever ruined and her heart broken
by a lie, manufactured by some villain
and repeated where it should not have
been, and in the presence of those
whose little judgment could not deter
(hem from circulating the foul and
bragging report. A slander is soon
propagated, and the smallest thing de
rogatory to woman’s character will fly
on the wings of the wind, and magnify
as it circulates, until its monstrous
weight hasjerushed the poorunfortunato
victim Y’our mothor and sister are
women, and as you would have their
names untarnished and their lives un
embittered by the slanderer’s bitter
tongue, heed the ill your own word g
may bring upon the mother, tbe sisters
!or the wife of some fellow creature.— 1
