Newspaper Page Text
11c came ilnp> wT oScc im
and *hyij|fi Waf befitting, an
ed to sec the marf who pnt jokes in
the Advertiser. The joker was en
gaged in reading some very exciting
talcs of trade ami navigation returns
of beeswax exported from the pro
vince of I*riuec Edward in the year
1871, and was consequently in a very
hilarious mood. The visitor took off
his hat, mopped his manly brow with
a dirty handkerchief and placed be
fore the newspaper man a scrap of
paper on which was writteu:
“When Sir Joseph Porter dies the
company will be treated to half and
half—Porte. find bier.”
The newspaper man read it, looked
np and exclaimed. “What is it about ?”
“It is just a tittle joke, you see.”
“Ah! 1 didn't notice. I will read
it over again."
He perused, ami then asked, “Where
is the joke ?”
“Why, Ihc play on words—a pun,
you know—Porter and bier.”
“OH, ali. ye-! Porter and bier!—
Well, did you ask Mr. Porter about
this? Will lie be pleased to see liis
name in the papers in that connec
tion ?”
“Why. there is no such person. Sir
Joseph Porter is a character in ‘Pin
afore."'
“Well," mused the newspaper man,
"if lucre i» no such pcr3tm I don’t see
how he ran die. A jierson wiio don't
exist can’t die very successfully. Any
attempt to kill a man who don't live
must necessarily prove a failure.”
“But yon don’t understand,” ex
claimed the amateur joker. “Yod
see the whole point is in the play on
words—porter and bier. Porter and
beer mixed is called half-and-half.—
Now youcatch the idea, dont you?”
“Weil, I understand it so far. But
where’s the joke?”
“Why, i explained”—
“Yes, I'korat that yon explained.
Ton said porter Wad. beer mixed: is
called half-and-half. -But that kind
of porter,is not a man; itis a liqdor,
and, anyhow, yttn-don’t spoil beer
Tight.” e .... .1
“But tliat’s-tho-point. Yon notice!
there the words have different mean
ings and the same sound.- 1 It iff to
bring onto a-> <U£bi«nt idea that- the
word itsetf oenceyMhat I have tried,
and l flitter-myself*-,- r ■ .
“No, no/’ iaterrnpted the' newspa
per man, Pnot flatter. Your gram
mar is at fitnlt The joke Is flat—not
flatter.”
At this point some of the peopleln
the sanctiu* Interfered, and-the ene
my bent a graceful retreat -without
any casualties.
Jnlhs ITcrsM.-j l
Ex-Gov. B.'W. Throckmorton*cer
tainly understands all the arts of an
old Texan. In his speech defending
Ed. Bomar, at Gainesville, after-hav
ing spoken about an hour heaaid:
“Gentlemen of the jury, it is said
by the prosecution that because the
deceased tyisih his shirtsleeves when
killed he had ho pistol.’’
Here MiT Throckmorton pulled off
hit coat atif( stood before the jurv in
his shirtsleeve*.'
“You mSjy, say,” continued Mr.
Thvockmonob, “that I am notarmed
because 1 am in my shirt sleeves.—
look I do you see any arm3 ?” ■ cried
he, holding up his hands.
No signs of arms could bo seen.
Mr. Throckmorton then drew a.
pistol from under h4 left arm, anoth
er from under his right, one from
each hoot, and a huge bowie knife
from the back of his neck, placing
them on the table.
“You see.geiijjeinati, though iu niv
shirt sleeve-,T could be well armed ”
Thi-, tvas'a clincher and it carried
the point, entirely destroying the ar
gument of the persecution.
An Act
antral &
BN and after SUNDAY;
, _ hwestern
will ran as follows:
TBAIN NO I—GOING NORTH AND WEST.
Learn Savannah 0:20 a m
Leave* Augusta... ..... 0:30 a
Arnvea at Augusta
4:4ft pin
To auih#:i*e the county of Dougherty, by Its Coun
ty Commit toners, to issue bonds of said county
for thirty thousand dollars, and to provido for the
assessment and collection of an annual tax to pay
the pilncipal and interest of same, in compliance
with Article 7, Section 7 of the Constitution, for
the purchasing the bridge across Flint river, at
Albany, for the use and benefit of said county.
Samoa I. The GenetsI Assembly or Georgia do
enact. That the County Commissions of Dougherty
county are hereby authorised. In compliance with
Article 7, Section 7 of the Constitution, to brae cou
pon bonds of Dougherty county to an amount not
exceeding thirty thousand dollars, to be prepared
and signed by said County Commissioners in such
sums and payable at such times, not exeseding fif
teen years (com date, as they may decat best; said
bonds to bear seven per cent, interest, payable an
nually on the first day of December, at the office of
the County Treasurer, or at such other place as may
be designated io said lsou *s
Su. 2. The Comity Commissioners of Dougherty
county shall, at or before the time of issuing said
bonds, provide for the asseaunent and collection of
an annual tax, sufficient in amount to pay the prin
cipal and interest of said debt withiu the time when
said bomb shill U? made due and payable, nut to
exceed the term of fifteen years.
Sec. 3. The said County Commissioners an* hereby
authorized to sell said bonis at not less than par,
and to purchase with the p.nceeds thereof the
biU;c aero.** Flint river, at A Many, in said county,
together with the bridge house sad the land On
whkh they arc located on both tides of the river,
from Kelson TUL the owaier thereof, pt a sum sot
to exceed thirty'thousand dollars, and take his fee
simple title therefor as the property of Dougherty
county. And s' id County Commissioners and their
successors in office shall thereafter possess and man
age mid bridge and appurtenances according to
their judgment of the best Interests of the county,
looking to the .early ertabiiahment of the bridge as
a free bridge for xteldestsof the county and for the
passage of all produce to and from ta irket at Alba
ny.
816.4. The bonds and cpupocs issued under au
thority of this Act shall bfc patdjat pattfrityjirfawt
foi money of the United waics, or shall, when-due,
at the efUoo of th^older, be receivable for all dues
to the county. Sara bonis shall be a public security
of Dougherty county, and the illegal issues or alter*
aliens of any such bond or coupon than be forgery.
, The boflkda authorised to beisraed by this Act may
be called, in and paid by said County Commissioners
afanytfJne.br giving three months' notice in a
published in said county, and 1
i
If at any time the
11 other county bonds
drawing a rtnaUer rate of interest at per for the Re
demption of outstanding bonds, they may issue and
n». boadj. ud all la p, r Ml <*««! I
B {* established fact that Quinine or
fij up tk, debt. The proceed tup of tho said Conn CtnchODidia Will stop Chills, and for tbl9
purpose there i, no better remedy. But
it is alio an established fact that they do
Arrives at Atlanta r 8:50
Making t lose ounnection at Atlanta with Western
and Atlantic and Atlanta and Charlotte Air-Line
for all points West and North.
COMING SOUTH AND EAST.
Leaves AUanta...... M ... M .. M . M « M a 11:40 p m
Arrives at Macon.. — r,:*20 a u
Leaves Macon.~...~~~ — 7:00 a m
Arrives at MUIedgevUle....^.........^ 0:44 a m
Arrives at Eaton»on.. ..11:90 a m
Arrives at Augusta *••*......*—*.•• 4:49 p m
Arrivsa at ttavannah.. 4:00 p m
Leaves Augusta......... y^0 a m
Making close connection at Havaunah with the
Atlantic and Gnlf Railroad for all points in Florida.
TRAIN NO. 2-GOING NORTH AND WEST.
leaves Savannah................ 7:30 p m
Arrives at Augusta .... 9:40 a m
Leaves Augusta 8:30 p m
Arrive* at Milled**villa ............................ 9:44 a m
Arrives at Katontoti... MMH . H ..,.. mM , n ..,..„„l|^Ri a ui
Arrives at Macon ...... 8:00 a m
leaves J'acon for Atlanta M , MM . H . MM . 8:4'J a m
Arrives at Atlanta ]:19 p tu
1-eaves Ma^-on for Albany and Eufaula 8:33 a in
Arrives atKiifaiila 8:42 p m
Arrives at Albany .... 3:43 {> m
log close connection at Atlanta with Western and
Atlantic and Atlanta and Charlotte Air-Line At
K jfauls with Montgomery and Eufaula Railroad; at
4'olumliuv with Western Railroad; at Augusta with
the Charlotte, Columbia and Augusta Railroad for
ail point* North and East.
Iv:f?u!a train Contu-CL. k! VaiJ.'£ for i’. rry
daily (exempt Sunday), and at CutlibAt lor Tort
Gaiuca J/.-ndays, Wcdiieslajs and Fridiys.
COMING SOUTH AffD EAciT.
Leaves Atlanta...... 2:15 p r
Arrives at Maoon from Atlanta ... c:’*5 p m
Leaves Albany... \\itg a m
Leaves Eufaula... 11:27 a m
Arrives at Macon from Eurauta A Albany... 6£* p tn
leaves Columbus.. M .l‘h35 a m
Arrives at Macon from Columbus c os p m
Leaves Macon............. 7>35 p m
Arrives at Augusta .... 5:40 am
Leaves Auxusta 8*30 p m
Arrives ax Savannsh^..^^..^..^ 7:15 a m
Passengers, for Milledgeviile and La ton ton will
take train No. 2 from Savannah, and train No. 1
from Savannah, which trains icmuect daily, except
Monday, for these points.
Through Sleeping Canon all nlghf trains between
A “ , “* u n* Jhcon ’"■
TSActs OX BLAKELY EXTENSION.
Leave Albany Mondays, Tuesdays, Thurs
days and Fridays.... 4 13pm
Arrive at Arlington Mondays, Tuesdays,
Arrtra it Albuiy Tuevllyi, Wednudajs,
Fridays and lOtlS , a
K. a. Surra. WILLIAM ROGERS.
LOST!
par up Um debt. The proceeding of the uli Coua
ty Corns:ntpncrs uaSer this Act .hell be
i» l bepk k^tt by them for this purpose,
all bonds Issued by them thall be registered, and all
bonds and coupons taken up and paid shall be can
celled, filed In the office as vouchers, and entered os
said bond as paid, with the date and minnsrof pay
ment, to whom paid,and they shall publish an_ ab
stract of the proceedings and financial coni itiou l*
December of each year.
Sec. 5. The said County Commissioners of Doogb-
erty county shall publish a notice in a newspaper In
said county once a week for four weeks and at *tb#
court-house door oT ■ ai-1 county, appointing a day on
which an election by the qualified voters ot the
county will be held to determine whether or not the
debt authorised by this ActiRail go into effect;. and
an such voters to fCm&y-~theytoeltos to vote jin this
subject shall re^Isterilielr nflemfo. sjge, ocafpatinn
and realdeacs at the Ofdlnarg^i office In said coun-
ty at least ten <bj( be^flhthtel&k*. ?The ques
tions to he voted on tball beeo framed* by the Cbuh-
ty Coannimionefti and written or printed on the
tickets as to be answered "yes* or “no/* The said
election shall be held and conducted in compliance
with tho law regulating elections Jor county officers.
The return* of the election shall be made to th?(ir-
dinary pf said county, who shall declare, publish
and record the result, and if two-thirds of said reg
ister*! voters shall have voted in favor of .creating
said debt, then this Act shall bt^ ia full forcj» for the
purpose therein named.
fcxc.G. Repeals conflicting laws.
Approved ifepr ember 40,1979.
Epigrammatic.
i( we lire not a notion.
If political pssassinaiion,
MUiilny murder-, and
Open treason
Arc beyond tlic reacli of the general
goremmenr.'let ir«either
2*ro.'b:iiti the URtion, or
Kick Mississippi out of the t'nion.
—!<em*r» Sen tine!;
jy . ,
Graciotis!
Vu»
ho?
Hew 1 *
Yon found him
Oii(!t'f—IVUa fflyJo.,
\ joang !ffdy.graduate in a neigh
boring county read i»n essay entitled,
“Employment of Time." Her com
position was Inool on (lie text, “Time
wasted is existence; used, i- life.”—
The next day, shy purchased eight
ounces of zephyr of different shades
and commenced tvorking a sky-blue
dog with sea-green ears and a pink
tail on a piece of yellow canvas. She
expects to Jpive it (lone l>y next
Christmas.
When a woman find-she cannot af
ford a new dress, she economizes by
spending as much as it would ltave
rostin buying ribbon to cover the
old one up wjjh bows.
GEORGIA—Ihii'ouebtv Cot xtv.
COURT OF ROADS AND SEVEN UEI
Uui-r-at br virtue of tbe poqrt.vnte# faurt,
tbe ,r«rc and .'oregoiag Act ni the Legieliture, It u
ordered that tae election mcationed in said Act be
held at the Uourt-hou-e an J ruling precincts iu mtiJ
couuty uu
Saturday, October 25,
next, and that « book for the registratioa of quxli.
fiwi voters be kept ojscn from tfab date until the 14tfi
day of October next, inclusive, at the Ordinary’
x of said county.
It is further ordered that mid Act and this otdsr
oe pubi:*b*d ia tbe Albany Nswaaad Albany Ad-
trtiser for the -pace of four weeks.
’ S. Ia. BOY'T,
C. M. MAVO.
E. H. BACON.
Coaiml^ionen Dougherty County.Ga.
A true ertrset from the minutes of the Court of
Gimraiinioners of Dougherty county.
W. I». BURKS.
Sept. 18,1879-41 Clerk.
not redtove the causa ttuU produces the
Chills. For it they did. the Chills wonld
not retom on the 7th, Mth. 21st or 23lh
day. 'iiicn is it not money LUST to at-
tly cure the Chills with
i the^ do not
system .that
til' the camie is
I the Chilis will retnrn. Tbe
FERR1NE
p»*«*gjru
' cause from
. Chills, and
it .will sustain HO
IS inthorized to
RiMve
Is warrsnted to (
the system IhaLf
if it tsilff to flo tlijj
loss, foi
gusiautec a petmahtatxure ».e\-ery caw
no matter or how long standing, and will
refund the tnnoey if the Chills return alter
you are through taking. Positively, do
cure, no pay. Try it and 5e, convinced.
It contains no poison, and is perfectly
tasteie-s. Sold by all druggists aud a
permanent core ennrauteed in all cases.
FEUKINE MEDICINE CO-
E. W. diovr? fowler,
Paris, Tesn.
For sale by W H Gilbert. Ag’t. & Co,
and L. E & E. E. Welch, Albany.
augit 3n>
SMITH’S WORM OIL !
Heeing Mr. Klin’s certtfi
n Oil, sod tbs *»r#t do* t
.»nd flu* «sro Ada • *o war |
A MONTH guannterd. fl2 a
day at boms mads by tbs Indus*
trious. Capita! not required; we
will start vou. Men. woi
boys and girls make money
erst work for us than st any
thing else. The work is light
and pleasant, and such as any
oo* can go right at. Those who are wise who
this notice Will send uj their add
see for them-elves. rC(B!jtJy
Now is the time. Tm"
ip large sums of «nu<
Augusts. Mains.
, I gi
brought forty win
wore passed I did not count them*
8.H. AT Jl
Prepared by E. S.*LTNDON, Athens, os-
For sale by W. H. GILBERT. Aft, A IO.
m 3-1 y Albany. IH.
CTS F0RT0DNG HEN.
Actual Buaineaa, Students on
’Change, The Buaineee World
' ire, at MOORE’S BUSINESS
iITV. ATLANTA, GA. Th.
»Bi^Mft***“M4S lynrc
B. ip*
■<«ht J* At
mar- ^a ,pf
No. 06 Decatur St., ATLANTA, GA.
OSALEB IN
Fancy and Family
Country Produce.
Southwest Georgia Sugar Cane Syrup
and Sweet Potatoes specialties.
Will pay 50 cents per bushel for all
good sound Yam Potatoes, delivered a’
any depot on tho B. W. R. R.
PROMPT RETURNS
made for all country produce.
Refers to S. R. Weston, Albany, Ga.
lu.jrMr
Lower Price than Ever!
t.50 Per Barrel!
Use it as a Disinfectant!
Bricklayers, Plasterers, Wbltewasber*. «t&, should
call on me for the vary best article, either by letter
inpenon. »
Li, BRINSON,
“SOOTIiAHB”
“YyiLL atand the Fall Season at ay
Smith. Place*
$10Cashby the Season,
Or with rportgagfe ' on thb Mare
tar Insurance.:
. INO. A. WALTEBS.
aasMAa 11 S i
„ sr-^r'-e* R — - . -r-sr
Cctobor 87 to Notrcmbtr X, 1879.
ilftccnt sad beat appointed grounds
eraV will make addresses Greatly iteduccd Rates
fir firetghts and passengers on all the railroad* in
the State. A cordial invitation b extended to you-
to he an exhibitor, and you are requested to write to
the Secretary at Macou for a premium list and other
information. THUS- BARDKMaN, Jr., Press
L. F. LIVINGSTON, Gen. Supt.
septVtd MALCOLM JOHNSON, Beefy.
IWPllOJW;
Each aad all etytea, including (irand. Square and
Upright, all strictly flrst-cia**, sold at tbe lowest net
..•ash wholesale factory prices, direct to tbe purchas
er. These Piano* made one of the finest displays at
tbe ('eoteiinial hxliiutPon, aud were uuaurounisiy
retvNBiuended for tho Highest Honors—over 12.0U)
!u use. Regularly incorponted Msnufaciuriu? Ga
A... *HZ V-... ’111., NnlMH
‘•Sleepy Tom,” the dark bay pacing
horse, went around tbe mile track in
Cilicago 2.12‘i the fastest mile time
ever made by any trotter or pacer, in
the world. “Tom” is blind as a bat,
is about fourteen years old, fifteen
hands high, and basaffordedas much
amusement to turfmen as any other
animal in America to-day. One of
tho most remarkable sights ever seen
at a horse-race is the picture of “Tom”
and his driver in the heat ofa race.—
The driver leans far over “Tom’s”
body nnd talks to him tlic same as he
would to a human being. In tho
height of the race, when the contest
is at its highest pitch witli “Tom”
slightly on the lead, the driver will
lean over and s^ent: “Now you’ve
got him, Tom;” “X w you’re ahead
“Go it, Tom,” and other exclama
tions, which tlic old horse seems to
understand and appreciate at once,
and tap'd' encourages him to do
great deeds. When the driver- is si
lent the old horse will raise and turn
his head around, us much as to ask
for “further information” on the mat
ter in hand. Between driver and
horse is a perfect understanding, and
when they rush down the home-.-
stretch in a big race they come like a
whirlwind, and their record tells tho
remainder of the. story.
The Dinner Horn.
There are several ways of express
ing the same sentiment. For instance,
Byron writes;
“Thvt tll-softening. oterpo—eringkadL
Th. tocsin of tho aoul—the dinner boll."
But the philosopher Billings, who
uses bad spelling to set forth good
sense thus speaks of the bell’s rival;
The dinner-horn iz the oldest and
most sakrid born there iz. It iz'aet
tew mu8ik and plays “Home sweet
Home” abont noon- It has bin Hs-.
tened tew with more rapturous deltto
than ever any band bar. Yu kan
hear it further ’ than yu kan one oy
Rodmans guns. It will arrest a man
and bring him in quickerthan a sher
iff’s warrant. Itkau.out foot enny
other noise. It kauseth rthe.deaf-tew
hear and the dnm tew shout for joy.
Glorious old instrument!,long may
yiire lungs last I
In a letter, Jeff! Davis refuses.to al
low his name to go before the legisla
ture of Mississippi as a candidate for
the United States Senatorship. ..-fie
says: “I do not wish to re-enter,-th*'
United States Senate. You are au
thorized to announce that my name
will not be, wtth iny consent, indjid-
ed among the candidates for the Uni
ted States Senate to represent Missis
sippi in that body. From youth to.
age it has been my pride to represent
her In military and in civil service,
and I would that all her sons should,
realize that it is her Interest that dic
tates. _
Baltimore devours *120,000 worth
of ovsters a day. or at the rate of thir-
tv cents a head’ for every man, woman
and child of its population. Boston
$90,000 a day, or twenty-five cents a
ONdP’-i New Y'ork $200,000 worth
every ,twcntv-fonr hours during tho
season; or $40,000,000 a year. Balti-
te lias $10,000,000- invested in tho
^ jlncss. and besides what she eats,
cans and ships20,000^90bushels.' Tho
oyster business of the country is cal
culated to amount to (ally $300,000,000.
The wealth of the oyster banks Is
greater than- that of the cotton fields.
Let everybody watch for the night
of November 13th, WTO. ■ Prof. Tice
savs that wc arc to hove on that night
the most brilliant meteoric display
ever seen since 1833^ when to oil in
tents and purposes the sky literally
rained fire. The display for this year
will not commence until about one
o’clock in. the morning, hut the Pro
fessor says that the magnificence off
the display will more than compen
sate for tlic inconvenience of the vigil.
—Factory established over 36 years. Tb* Square
Grands contain Matliushck’s new patcut Duplex
Overstrung Scale, the greatest imp ovemnat In tbe
. bU^ry of Piano mslf*;. Tbe Uprights aw th*
' America.- i'iautnseut on trial. Don’t fa!I
tv a-rite for IMiwtrated anti Descriptive Catalogue ct
44 pagos—mailml tree.
HSOTBLSSOmr PIANO CO.,
apli:-6m 21 East 15th Mtwi. Y
TO ftloft»a year, or ft) to f JO a
* rt>ur own leeallty. Hp
'omen do »* well a»
men. Many raske more thau
the amount stated above. No
Line can fail to auke money
fust. Any one can do the
. „ work. You can make fioni 30
cants to fl an hour by devoting your evealnga and
spare tfra# to tho buoioeo* It coats nothing to try
the bovtaes*. Nothing like it for t*eu*y making
ever offered before. »>u.fine*s pkaaoot snd otrictiy
honors hie. Rrmler, if you want to snow ail about
tho beat paying biwnvaa before tl» pwbHc, a»ud Ktia
your adw« and we will rend you Mil particular*
and private term* free; worth ft" al*o free;
Lumber Yari Jn_ East Albaij.
40,000 FEET FOX SAXE!
YARD ha, maallr limn MttUbk-
Albxny. \ ">nj thoiiKinS f»«, coa-
llinj *na buanh, as hiaff sail ready
4. RACUtt
tprKM'.
The ex-Khedive lias arrived at Na
ples, with four of his wives and two
hundred aud twenty-five members of
ins household and. suite. His eight
hundred and seventy-three- wives lett
at lmnie feel very lonesome, and every
mail brings Mr. Khedive eight hun
dred arid seventy-three letters. Un
doesn’t answer them all seperatelv.—
He writes one letter, commencing:
“My dear wife,” and closes with a
postscript,.saying: “Pass- it round.”
A young lady was endeavoring to
infprcKS upon, the tuinds-of l ,cr Sun
day-school scholars the sin aud terri
ble punishment of Nebuchadnezzar,
nnd when she said that for seven
years he ate grass like a cow, she waa
astonished by a tittle girl who asked:
Did lie give inllk ?
Mine, de ¥~, who babbles as she
goes has had her portrait painted by
a fashionable artist, “Very successful,
don’t you think,” says one critic—
quite a speaking likeness—Yes, she
could fancy it could talk.if the origi
nal would only give it a chance to get
a word in edgeways.”
Of ail sad words of tongue or pen,
the saddest are not it might hpvc been,
but sadder still, it must be owned, is
that terrible sente ice—“the thing’*
postponed.”