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ALBANY NEWS*
[TRI-WEEKLY.]
KVA NS & WAllKKN
AI.BANY, <»A., - - - June 29, 1SS0
of
All Sorts
Eromn—The only point of rcsom-
lilnnco between flower* find women.
Hint we ere awere of. Is that they
both shut up when they sleep.
“Ain't that a lovely critter, John ?"
said Jerusha. as they stopped oppo
site a leopard's cage. “Wall, ves,”
said John, “but then lie's drcffuly
freckled, ain't he 7”
“Silence is golden.” Aunt—“Has
•nr one been at these preserves?”
(Ihead silence,! “Have yon touched
them, Jimmy ? Jimmy—“I’a never
’lows me to talk at •tinner/’
A citizen of Plymouth, Ind., fired
six shots at a supposed burglar, and
then his wife called out: “See, here
Sam, if von don't stop shooting
me you’ll have the house full
neighbors.”
One of the old settler* of the Isles
of Shoals seeing the name of Psyche
on the hull of a yacht the other day
spelled it out slowly, and then ex
claimed, “Well. if that ain't the durn
dest way to spell fish I”
lie was inclined to be facetious
“What <inantities of dried grasses
you keep here. Miss Stebbins. Nice
room for a donkey to get into.”—
“Make yourself at home.” she re
sponded with much gravity.
“Why don't yon come out of the
rain?” said a good-natured dominie
to a ragged Irishman. “Sure it's av
no consequence, yer riverence.' re
plied Pat, "me clothes is so full ot
holes they won't hold water.”
“Did you ever,” asked a brother
humorist of Josh Billings, “stand at
the hall door after your lecture and
listen to what the people said of it
as thev passed?” Replied Josh: "I
did once,” (a pause and a sigh.) “but
I'll never do it again!”
“It is said that the male wasp does
not sting.” But as a male and female
wasp wear the same kind of polonaise
and look as liiueh alike «- twins, the
only way to distinguish their sex is
to catch one. If it slings you, it is a
female: ifnot.it is a gentleman wa»p.
“And how is your neighbor. Mrs.
Brown?" inquired one nicely-dressed
ladv of another. “She's well enough.
I suppose. I haven't sen ior to speak
to her for six weeks." “W hy, I
thought you two were on the most
friendlv terms.” “Well, we used to
be; but we’ve exchanged servants.”
“Wife.” said * Fourth street hus
band to his sponsorial belter hall', as
he awakened her from deep slumber.
“I have just seen n spirit; a shadowy
form on the wall that resembled _ a
mule!” “Oh, let me sleep." angrily
replied his dearer half. * and do not
be frightened at your own shadow."
“Yes," said a witness, “I remember
the defendant’s mother crying on the
occasion referred to. She was weep
ing with her left eye—the only one
yiie has—and tears were running
down her right cheek." "What!”
exclaimed the Judge, “how could
that be?" “Please your honor," said
the witness, “she was awfully cross
eyed.”
A story is told of Ben Butler’s sar
eastic retort upon a Massachusetts
judge whom he was teasing for a
ruling favorable to a cause he was
detending in court The judge got
ont of patience at last, and somewhat
testily exclaimed : “Mr. Butler, what
do you think I am sitting here for?”
Butler quietly shrugged l:is should
ers and replied: “The court has got
me now.”
A yankee came running down to a
pier just as a steamer was starting.
The boat moved ofl some four or five
yards, as he took a jump, and coming
down on the back of his head on the
deck, he lay stunned for two or three
minutes. When he came to the
steamer had gone the.bcst part of a
quarter of a mile, and raising his
head and looking to the shore the
yankee said: “Great Jchosaphat'
what a jump!”
“Every man,” said Mark Lemon
one evening at his club, “has his pe
culiarities. though 1 think I ani as
free from them as most incu ; at any
rate, I don’t know what they arc.”
Nobody contradicted the editor of
Punch, but after a while Albert
Smith asked, “Which hnnd do you
shave with, uncle ?” “With my right
hand.” replied Lemon. “Ah,” re
turned the other, “that’s your pecii
liarity; most people shave with
razor.”
“Say, Old Man!”
An ancedote of the late Mr. Otis,
of New London, Conn., who left
million of dollars to foreign missions,
is as follows:
He was at one of the New London
fish markets on the wharfs, clad in
his customary overalls, and, as ever,
unassuming in his department when
the captain of the sinking vessel rush
ed ashore, seizing Mr. Otis by the
shoulder, shouted:
“Say, old man. quick. Do you want
a job to pump out my vessel ?”
As Mr. Otis remained silent, flic-
exasperated captain exclaimed:
“Well, old chap, if you are to lazy
to work, you will die in the poor-
house.”
The man in the overalls was then
the owner of more than three million
dollars.
A Long Hill.
A tavern-keeper on the San Bruno
road was aroused one night by an an
tiquated old granger, who sat over
the wheels of an open lumber-wagon,
and was evidently disturbed about
something.
“I ssy, mister,” said lire rustic,
scratching bis bead with the butt of
his whip; “this here’s the road
’Frisco, ain’t it?”
“Certainly; but, old man, what
have you done with your hind
wheels?"
“Great Scott!” exclaimed the old
party, rubbing his specs and looking
behind him, “if I haiii'f gone and lost
them wheels. That explains the
whole thing, though, stranger; seem
ed like I d been going up siu-h an all
tired long bill I was beginning to
think I bad lost the way." ’■
-FOR THE—
WELCH & MITCHELL,
Opkku At Tiikik Poiuii.aii
ALBANY BOOK AND JEWELRY STORE
THE LARGEST, CHE A TEST AND REST
Selected Stock of Miscellaneous Hooks,
SCHOOL LOOKS,
ALBANY
Tri-Weekly News
H
—FOR—
•Mi© Campaign
A Lire, Progressive Journal
—FOR—
Twentt-Bigot €o&ujums /
Published Every Tuesday, Thursday
! and Saturday Morning!
Only $1
For Three Months’ Subscription
1880
J
Fine Gold Jewelry* Watches* Clocks*
Musical Instruments, Cutlery ami Fine Fancy Omuls,
tr EVER BROUGHT TO THIS MARKET!
We have in stork nn elegnut lino of
NEW GHROMOS!
Omuls Hold at a small margin of
Profit!
Our large nml inn-casing sales enable us to
lmy and sell in such quantities
AS TO DEFY COMPETITION IN PRICES!
Call and cxnmino our prices before pur-
hnsing elsewhere. No trouble lo show goods.
Bay All orders promptly tilled.
WELCH & MITCHELL,
Booksollors n.n<l Jewelers,
April 20, 1880- AI.ltA NY, G A.
—AT THE—
Famous Corner!
BIO DRIVES!
GREAT SACRIFICES!
In all Departments at the FAMOUS
dealers av
Wholesale & Betell
B
/fT\
u
OF
MORRIS MAYER’S
DRY GOODS. !
Dress Goods,
Ladies’ Goods,
Children’s Goods,
Boots, Shoes,
Hals, Caps,
Umbrellas, * Clothing,
Trunks,
Valises,
Table Linen,
Oil Cloth,
ESPECIALLY IN
CLOTHING
PLA.JSTTA.TI02SJ- GOODS.
Iu Cotton and other Domestic manufactures, we offer an unequalled line in va
riety and price. We are Factory Agents for most of the leading brands, and r>n
guarantee to sell at Factory Prices, thus saving freight to purchaser.
We are determined to keep the NEWS fairly np with the progress of the day
to furnish tbo reading peoplo of this section a live, piogressive bi weekly journal,
and therefore announce
The Albany Trl-WeeklyN ews I
The fierce political campaign through which wo are fo pass, both Nationsl
sud Slate, wl.1 be one or unw-ual interest to all clasrea, and a weekly newspaper
will be au insufficient conveyance to carry lo the people iotelligence ol the mo
mentous issues involved. The TIM WEEKLY is sufficiently large to present at
lacla and a caretnl resume of Ihe news of the day, which we propose to do in a carefu
and energetic manner.
We shall at once ninke arrangements by which we shall be enabled In present to
our readers special letegiaphic reports or Ihe more important matters at tlio Capital
and elsewhere, and are determined that each issue shall be fresh and noway.
The subscription price of the TIU- WEEKLY NEWS is $1 for the campaign.
Its eontiuance after Ihe expiration of that time will depend upon the encouragement
we teceive for the enterprise. Unexpired sutncriptii-ns to the WEEKLY will lie
furnished the Thursday's edition of Ihe TKI-WEEKLYi Advertisements will he
in&erled at an advance of only 33 1*3 per cent over our weekly rales.
With a Arm reliance in the enterprise and liberality of tlio people of Albauy and
Southwest Georgia, and re affirming our purpose to serve their best interests, we
hereby cut louse from the Webki.y moorings, end nu□ounce Tub Albany THt
Wkkki.y News.
We earnestly ask the encouragement aud assistance of our friends llirungbout
Southwest Georgia.
Albany, Ga., June 12, 1880.
EVANS & VVAKREN,
Editors und I’ropriclqrs.
We arc Determined to reduce our over
whelming Stock !
LOW PKICES
WILL FETCH YOU.
Call at.
Morris Mayer’s Depot.
Albany, Ga„ May 27th, 1880.
New But j Jewelry Store!
BOOKS, STATIONERY, JEWELRY, COTLERy, &c
Albany lia* long felt the need of another store of thin character, ami I take pleasure in in form in-; my
friends and the nubile generally that I have recently opened in WILLINGHAM'S Hl.ot K, in llo* store
formerly occupied by Air. Joseph Ehrlich, a licaiitirul ami select stock or
Books, Stationery Watches, Clocks, Jewelry, Silver-Plated Ware,
Cutlery, Musical Instruments, Window Slindes, Sewing Machines.
Needles and Attachments, Picture Frames und Mouldings. Toys, Vases. Toilet Sets.
Spectacles, Gold Pens and Pencils. Sporting Goods, Notions, Periodicals, etc.
I projNMO to sell k<km1s at a REASONABLE I’UOFIT ami hope to merit a share or (lie public patronage
Particular attention will be given lo all orders Irom « distance, and satisfaction guarani I Give
mo a trial. Respectfully,
apr22-tf
O. J. DANIEL,
Is a specialty, anti contains a full assortment. We are the
only
Wholesale LIQUOR Dealers
In Southwest Georgia, and in this line, as in all others, w*U
duplicate Northern oi. Western bills.
Wagons, Carriages & Buggies.
We have an immense Carriages Repository, and can sup
ply any vehicle desired at manufacturers’ prices.
ALSO, HARNESS, SADDLERY, ETC!
In fact, ours is the most extensive General Merchandise
Establishment in Southwest Georgia, and our facilities un
surpassed by those ofanj* house in the South.
August 21,1879,—ly
S. Mayer & Glauber.