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Pl oo oo eit s e
By Frazier Moore
AP TELEVISION Writer
NEW YORK
Life, as we all know, is a process, a journey
that prepares you for the great beyond: A
sitcom starring you as the person you used
to be before you scored your TV deal.
This is something Ray Romano knows
well, havins enshrined his former life as a
Long Island family guy in the hit comedy
Everybody Loves Raymond.
Jerry Seinfeld, awash in millions from the
sitcom where he played a stand-up comic
trying to wangle a sitcom deal, knows it too.
Ditto, Roseanne. And a few seasons ago,
The Mommies sure tried.
Now Boston barmaid-turned-comic Sue
Costello is seeking her own plush hereafter
with the autobiographical sitcom Costello,
which premiered on Fox last Tuesday. And
John Dißesta, a real-life New York City
transit cop turned stand-up comedian turned
sitcom hopeful, will play a transit cop on
Dißesta Mondays on UPN starting Oct. 5.
The lesson from this is clear: Live each
day as if it were an episode of a sitcom
starring you as yourself where you're up
against Drew Carey. Someday, sweetie, you
might be.
The 1998-99 season officially begins this
week, ushering in 16 of the total crop of 36
new series. But before you stress out at the
thought of catching each premiere, remem
ber there’s much to learn from the net
works’ fall offerings — without your even
having to watch.
*Lesson: If your children’s mother should
fly the coop, do not despair. It means youcan
hire a sexy younger woman who will gladly
tend to your offspring and potentially —
wink, wink — you, too. Divorce or widow
hood? No prob! ABC’s Two Of A Kind and
Fox’s Holding the Baby erase all doubt.
*Lesson: Life is a cosmic quota you must
meet ... or else. The hero of ABC’s Cupid
insists he must romantically link 100 couples
before he can return to Mount Olympus. On
Fox’s Brimstone, cop-gone-to-hell Peter
Horton is sent back up to Earth, where
redemption awaits him only if he can recap
ture 113 fugitive souls.
Even the assistants on ABC’s Fantasy
Island are chipping away at some sort of
liability. “Are we any closer to getting re
leased?” they ask Mr. Roarke after pulling
off another fantasy. “A little closer,” he says
with a sneer.
+ *Lesson: The ghow must go on — except
when it ‘must not. Recently Fox snuffed
Hollyweird, a creepy-crawly whodunit, be
fore it ever drew a breath. This follows in
the tradition of last season’s Rewind, a Fox
sitcom starring Scott Baio similarly yanked
before its premiere.
Imagine! Good enough to win a place on
the schedule, bad enough to be stillborn.
*Lesson: You can beg, barter or steal, but
keep it off the books.
For instance, on ABC’s Vengeance Unlim
ited, Michael Madsen plays a mysterious
loner with justice for sale. The tab for his
services is $1 million — or you may promise
him a favor in return. You can guess which
he prefers (imagine the tax bite on that
million!).
*Lesson: You CAN gohome again, whether
as a big success (the young software tycoon
of WB’s Hyperion Bay) or a failure (Faith
Ford as CBS’ broke, divorced Maggie Win
ters).
And, of course, you can LEAVE home.
Escaping her parents, the comely eponym of
WB'’s “Felicity” bolts clean across the conti
nent for college in New York City.
But don’t try to make your home in the
‘burbs. As the gated subdivisions of ABC’s
The Hughleys and Fox’s Living in Captivity
demonstrate, the only menace greater than
people who are different from you is those
who aren't. '
*Lesson: With the exception of the gay
leading man on Will & Grace and the pro
miscuously nice title character of Conrad
Bloom (both on NBC), males on sitcoms are
likely to be infantile louts.
Consider CBS’ King Of Queens and ABC's
Secret Lives of Men, for starters.
And even a man holding the nation’s high
est office can be an oaf, according to The
Secret Diaries of Desmond Pfeiffer. A screw
ball exercise in revisionist history, this UPN
comedy exposes Abraham Lincoln as a phi
landering buffoon. Imagine such behavior
in a president!
*Which brings us to one final lesson of the
new TV season: News can be the most out
rageous TV fare of all.
For the second year in a row, a real-life,
happening-in-real-time story is upstaging
the networks’ launch of their fall schedules.
Last year, viewers were riveted by Princess
Diana’s death and its aftermath — a fairy
tale gone tragically, unsavorily wrong.
Now, of course, audiences flock to
Clinterngate, which, along with Dawson’s
Creek and Kids Say the Darndest Things,
was one of last winter’s mid-season hits.
C-SPAN cohabitates with Midnight Blue.
Jerry Springer meets Lawrence Spivak.
Complete with built-in product placements
for Altoids mints and the Gap, this Wash
ington-based saga is the most appalling,
hilarious, dismaying, inventive, disgusting,
lurid, debasing, divisive, mephitic, irresist
ible fiasco on the air.
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