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Dear Abbey 1970
DEAR ABBY: A woman who belongs to my bridge club
recently made a needlepoint sampler bearing the following
message: "NEEDLEPOINT HAS REPLACED SEX!”
She framed it and hung it in her den where we play
bridge.
Ever since she displayed it, no one has had the nerve to
bring out her needlepoint—even when she's dummy.
SELF-CONSCIOUS
• • •
DEAR ABBY: What do you give a man who has
everything?
I.M. SERIOUS
DEAR SERIOUS: If I were with the Internal Revenue
Department, I’d give him an audit!
• • •
DEAR ABBY: 1 am a woman who has been in the
business world for many years. I have been told that I
"think” like a inan.
Should a woman take that as a compliment?
THINKS LIKE A MAN
DEAR THINKS: Only if she thinks a man's “thinking”
is superior to that of a woman’s.
• • •
DEAR ABBY: I’m a 50 year old man who married a 48-
year-old woman who had had a mastectomy. She said, "Not
every woman is lucky enough to be sure that her husband
didn’t marry her only for her body." I assured her that she
meant far more to me than just a bosom buddy.
MORRIS THE TAURUS
• • •
DEAR ABBY: How come in the State of Pennsylvania a
16-year-old girl can get an abortion without her parents'
consent, but she needs their permission to get her ears
pierced?
JUST ASKING
DEAR JUST: That’s one for a Philadelphia lawyer to
figure out.
• • •
DEAR ABBY: Whatever happened to your sense of
humor and fair play? Regarding the middleaged woman
working in an office with 10 men who, much to her dismay,
used the lavatory marked "WOMEN”:
If she wants privacy, all she has to do upon entering the
lavatory is to hang a cardboard sign marked “NOT
NOW!” outside the door.
The men would surely respect her wishes as well as her
ingenuity.
M.N.
DEAR M.N.: Clever idea. And practical, too —unless
some clown crosses out the "NOT.”
• • •
DEAR ABBY: Yesterday I received a chain letter in the
mail. With it were strict instructions to make six copies
and send it to six of my friends, or “something” will
happen to me.
What can happen if I don't?
WORRIED
DEAR WORRIED: You will save 78 cents and a lot of
time.
• • •
DEAR ABBY: I've been going with this guy for five
months, and both of my parents liked him a lot until he
grew a beard. When he showed up at my house with his new
beard, my parents were actually rude to him.
They said he looked like a bum or someone who was try
ing to overthrow the government. Abby, I think his beard
looks great and told him so. It’s not shaggy or neglected
looking—it's carefully cropped and really looks neat.
I was so embarrassed when my folks put this guy down,
I didn’t know what to say or do.
Abby, you’re my parents’ age, at least. How do you feel
about beards?
BONNIE L.
DEAR BONNIE: If they're neat and well-cared for, I
think they're great. Some of the most important men in
history had beards: Moses, Jesus, Abraham Lincoln and
Sigmund Freud, to name a few. And the Smith Brothers,
who coughed up a fortune.
• • •
DEAR ABBY: I am a 34-year-old woman who has
divorced three husbands. (Not my fault. I always picked
losers.)
My problem is my nose. I had plastic surgery on it when
I was 18, and the doctor botched the job, so at 21 I had it re
shaped and then it was worse. I think it makes me look
stuck-up and keeps me from making friends.
I went to a well known local plastic surgeon, and I offer
ed to pay him in full in advance but he refused to take me as
a patient! He said he didn't think any plastic surgeon could
please me because I had "emotional and social problems” I
should face up to instead of blaming everything on my nose.
Then he insulted me further by suggesting that I use my
money to see a PSYCHIATRIST!
Abby, there is nothing wrong with my mind. It’s my
nose! Will you please recommend a good plastic surgeon? I
can afford to go anywhere.
DETERMINED IN HARTFORD
DEAR DETERMINED: Since you're determined to
have plastic surgery, you’ll have to find a doctor without
my help because I am in total agreement with the last one
you saw. Trust me and reconsider. I think his advice was on
target.
• • •
DEAR ABBY: I'm tired of the ignorance of those who
insist that the word "man” applies only to males. My
dictionary has several definitions of which the first two
are:
MAN: (1) A human being; person, whether male or
female. (2) The human race; mankind.
So why don’t we stop all this asinine changing of words,
such as "mankind” to "personkind,” and "chairman” to
"chairperson?”
And what about the word “woman”? It has “man” in it,
too.
FRANK M. IN BEVERLY HILLS
DEAR FRANK: I'm willing. I think the most asinine of
all is calling a manhole a "personbole.”
DEAR ABBY: I agree with you that confession might
be good for the soul but that some things are better left
unsaid.
As a naive, 20-year-old bride, I confessed to my fiance
that there had been another man in my life before I met
him, and I foolishly told him who he was.
Thirty years and four adult children later, my husband
still throws this man in my face periodically even though I
have been a devoted and faithful wife.
How much better off we both would have been had I
never made that confession. Silence is indeed golden,
Abby.
FOOLISH CONFESSION
DEAR FOOLISH: Silence is not always golden. It is
sometimes “guilt.”
• • •
DEAR ABBY: You are entirely too soft when it comes
to disciplining children. I may be old-fashioned, but I
raised three well-behaved children by using the 3B
system —Bust their Butts with a Board.
3B BELIEVER
OSS
DEAR ABBY: After I had my seventh baby I asked by
doctor to tie my tubes so I wouldn’t have any more
children.
Well, that was three years ago and yesterday my
husband announced that he'd made an appointment with a
urologist to have a vasectomy! It sure sounds to me like he
has another woman in his life!
Maybe I’m just dumb, but I can't understand why HE
has to have a vasectomy when there’s no danger of getting
ME pregnant.
Do you think he’s off his rocker, or he just plain doesn’t
like kids?
Please don’t use my name. Four of my kids can read.
“OVER BEARING”
DEAR OVER: No matter what your husband’s faults
may be, “gambling” isn’t one of them.
• • •
DEAR ABBY: When I travel, I like to take my dog
with me, which presents a problem because not all hotels
allow dogs.
I recently stopped at a hotel where I was made welcome
with my pet, and I saw this framed "notice” hanging in
the lobby. It tickled me and if it tickles you, maybe you'll
run it in your column.
“Dogs are welcome in this hotel. We never had a dog that
smoked in bed and set fire to the blankets. We never had a
dog who stole our towels, played the TV too loud or had a
noisy fight with his traveling companion. We never had a
dog that got drunk and broke up the furniture. So if your
dog can vouch for you, you’re welcome, too.”
DOG LOVER
DEAR DOG LOVER: I’ve been tickled by a version of
that notice, but in case some readers haven’t, I'll run it.
Thanks for a well-deserved tribute to man’s best friend.
• • •
DEAR ABBY: In reading about your 40th high school
reunion, we were most interested in learning that your
nickname is “Popo.”
We lived for a while in Micronesia (a Pacific Island)
where Truskee is spoken, and “popo” in Truskee means
“pregnant.”
We have a loyal and sensitive dog, which we
appropriately named Popo. Just thought you would like to
know about your namesake.
DIANE
DEAR DIANE: Thanks. I have several other name
sakes. Popo is short for Popocatapetel, a volcano in
Mexico. And it’s also the German word for that part of the
anatomy on which one usually falls.
• a a
DEAR ABBY: Here is a suggestion for parents to help
safeguard their daughters during their courting days.
First, make a rule that your daughter cannot go out with a
young man unless he comes to the house so you can meet
him first.
When he shows up, the mother should entertain him
while the father goes outside and takes down his license
number and a good description of his car. Color, model,
etc. During the evening, if the daughter has any trouble
with him, she could say, “My father took down your
license number and will call the police if I am not home at
the time they specified.” This is foolproof protection for
any girl.
THINKING AHEAD
DEAR THINKING: And what happens if a creep with
evil intentions shows up in a taxi?
• a •
DEAR ABBY: I’m in the process of having some root
canal work done, which is no picnic, but that's not my
problem. It’s my dentist. While he works, he whistles
through his teeth.
I wouldn’t mind a little Herb Alpert or Burt Bacharach,
but no, my dentist keeps whistling "Easter Parade” over
and over again until I am ready to scream.
Not only that, but he calls me "Mrs. Grassfield,” and
my name is Mrs. Greenfield.
Should I deduct 20 per cent from my bill for
aggravation?
MRS. GREENFIELD
DEAR MRS. GREENFIELD: You could try. Maybe
he’s already added 20 per cent for entertainment.
• • •
DEAR ABBY: Can animals count? I used to see horses in
the circus obey their trainers by picking up their feet and
putting them down according to the number the trainer
called out. My father said there was some kind of trick to it.
But listen to this. We raised a female mink on our farm
last year and she had a litter of five. Every day at feeding
time this mother mink would make five little patties from
her scoop of ground meat, then call her offspring to eat.
She never made six, and she never made four. Always
five. So wouldn’t you say she could count?
TERRI
DEAR TERRI: I would say that your mother mink could
indeed count. But not all animals are as smart as the mink.
What other female owns a mink coat as long as she lives?
DEAR ABBY: You had a letter in your column a while
back from a woman who said everytime she got pregnant,
her husband started drinking. My problem is just the
opposite. Everytime my husband starts drinking, I get
pregnant.
I love kids, but we’ve got just about all we can handle
right now.
Don’t tell me to use birth control. I’ve tried several
methods, and they don’t work for me.
You keep saying that a wife shouldn’t turn her husband
away when he wants sex because that gives him an excuse
to find another woman. So what do you recommend?
ENOUGH KIDS
DEAR ENOUGH: Planned Parenthood for YOU,
Alcoholics Anonymous for HIM and self-control for both
of you!
• • •
DEAR ABBY: I met a very attractive, eligible widower
last winter, and we’ve been keeping steady company since.
My only complaint is the way he keeps talking all the
time about Mildred, his deceased wife. I never talk about
my deceased husband. Outside of that, he is a decent man,
and we get along just fine.
He has asked to marry me, but this is the way he
proposed to me: “How would you like to take Mildred’s
place?”
UNDECIDED
DEAR UNDECIDED: If he has a sense of humor, tell
him that since Mildred is in the cemetery, you don’t want
to take her place. But if he wants a new life and a new wife,
you’ll consider it —providing he quits talking about
Mildred.
• • •
DEAR ABBY: My husband has this friend who is
always dropping in around suppertime. Os course we have
to ask him to stay for supper, but that's not the half of it.
He sits around until 1:00 or 2:00 in the morning.
We've had to change our plans because of his
unexpected visits. Sometimes he even brings his girlfriend
along.
We have hinted that he should please let us know when
he’s coming, but it hasn't done any good. What should we
do? We don’t want to hurt his feelings, as he’s a very
sensitive man.
NEEDS HELP IN OHIO
DEAR NEEDS: Sensitive? No way! Quit hinting.
That’s like using a BB gun when you need a cannon. Tell
him what you told me. And if you don’t get him to respect
your wishes, you deserve the inconvenience he’s causing
you.
• • •
DEAR ABBY: I have a great idea. I think all the men
who have had vasectomies should form a club (they could
call it the “V" Society —for vasectomy) and carry a
membership card signed by their physicians as proof that
they’re sterile. That way a girl wouldn’t have to worry
about getting P.G.
TRUDY
DEAR TRUDY: Right. Then, all she’d have to worry
about would be getting V.D.
• • •
DEAR ABBY: Ever since my wife got pregnant, she’s
been craving Argo laundry starch. She’s been eating an
awful lot of it and says it calms her nerves.
I’m afraid that all that laundry starch might hurt my
wife or her unborn baby, but she insists it’s harmless!
How would you feel, Abby, if someone you loved ate
laundry starch by the box?
HARVEY IN WAYCROSS, GA.
DEAR HARVEY: I’d be worried stiff. Insist that she
tell her doctor about this craving.
• • •
DEAR ABBY: I signed a three-year lease for an
apartment in a very expensive high-rise building, at which
time the manager assured me that there would always be
someone available to walk "Her Highness,” my French
poodle. I would not have rented the apartment without
that stipulation, and it was my understanding that it was
written into my lease.
Everything was fine for 14 months. The elevator man,
the guard, the janitor or the manager himself would walk
Her Highness regularly.
Well, the building changed ownership, and the new
manager instructed all the help that they were not to walk
any dogs on company time!
When I told the new manager that it had been written
into my lease, he laughed and said I must be kidding. I
then phoned my lawyer, who checked my lease, and he said
it had not been written in!
What do I do now?
STUMPED IN CHICAGO
DEAR STUMPED: Make new arrangements to have
Her Highness walked. Trying to hold the new management
to an agreement you had with the old management will be
a royal headache.
• • •
DEAR ABBY: I am a 21-year-old male who needs your
help with an embarrassing problem. It’s my behind. It is
enormous! I'm 5 foot 8 and weigh 180.
I work out three times a week at a health club and am in
pretty good shape except for the abovementioned. I've
tried every conceivable exercise and diet I’ve come across,
but I can’t seem to lose any of the flab back there.
It’s just plain fat, Abby, and no amount of exercise can
firm it up.
Someone told me that it can be removed by surgery. Is
that so? I don’t care if the operation is painful and leaves a
scar. Anything would be better than hauling around this
outsized caboose all my life. I’m not exaggerating; I look
practically deformed. It’s so bad I hate to go to the beach.
If this kind of operation can be done, who would do it?
A YARD OF LARD
DEAR YARD: A plastic surgeon. (But try to find one
who doesn’t mind getting a little behind in his business.)
• • •
CONFIDENTIAL TO “LITTLE D. IN BIG D.”: If it
were my decision, I’d marry the man who was the best
provider but didn’t know how to kiss. It’s easier to teach a
man how to kiss than how to take home S6OO a week.
Page 5
— Griffin Daily News Friday, December 31,1976
Dr *'* -v"
DEAR ABBY: I have been going with a nice, refined
woman my age (45) and we planned to be married next
month. But an incident occurred last week in the shop
where she works that makes me wonder if I should go
through with my marriage plans.
Another woman employee and my friend got into an
argument when the other woman accused my friend of
stealing one of her best customers. The name-calling
graduated into hair-pulling, and my friend was getting the
best of this other woman when the other woman yanked
her dress off her.
Well, my lady friend just wouldn’t quit. Minus her dress
she tore into the other woman, and before the battle was
over, both women stripped each other and were fighting
naked when the boss called the police.
My question: Should I marry this woman who fought
naked in front of both men and women when she could
have quit when just her dress had been tom off?
WONDERING IN N.Y.
DEAR WONDERING: Among other things, your lady
friend exhibited a violent temper. I’d have to know more
about her before answering your question, but if you place
a high premium on modesty, don’t rush into anything.
• • •
DEAR ABBY: Suppose you had a friend who had a tooth
missing right in the front of her mouth, and she kept saying
she plans on getting it fixed, but it costs too much money.
This friend is always buying presents for others, but she
keeps putting off getting a new tooth. Everyone keeps
urging her to get that missing tooth replaced, but it’s been
years and she still hasn't done it.
Abby, how do you tell a person that even though she may
be used to going without a tooth in front, those who have to
look at her can’t get used to it, and they wish she’d get it
fixed?
A FRIEND
DEAR FRIEND: If the sight of a missing tooth bothers
you, that’s YOUR problem and it’s up to you to handle it.
(P.S. Perhaps if enough friends can't stand to look at it,
they’ll take up a collection for the dental work. Since you
seem so concerned, I nominate you to head the project.)
• • •
DEAR ABBY: I’ip writing as one woman who has been
in love with a married man to other women in the same
boat. I suggest the following message to the man’s wife:
Dear Wife: Your husband is going to leave you and
marry me just as soon as:
(a) you recover from your nervous breakdown, eye
infection, hysterectomy.
(b) you complete your vocational training, find a job,
retire.
(c) your kids are grown, out of high school, married and
produce the first grandchild.
(d) his parents are “gone.” (He can’t divorce his wife as
long as his parents are living.)
(e) The dog has its pups.
ONE OF "THOSE”
• • •
DEAR ABBY: Some time ago you made a big fuss because
a teacher asked her students to make a “family tree.” You
said it was an invasion of privacy.
You sure tipped your mitt on that one, Abby. I’ll bet
you’ve never traced your family tree because you’re afraid
of what they might find.
KURT
DEAR KURT: No, I'm afraid they might send me back a
bunch of bananas.
• • •
DEAR ABBY: I am a magician, and one of the best in the
business, but I’m out of work now. How can I get a job?
BRANTINO
DEAR BRANTINO: YOU’RE a magician and you’re
asking ME?
• • •
DEAR ABBY: For those who are shocked that a
non-virgin bride wants to wear white at her wedding:
What would they suggest? Tattletale gray?
AMUSED IN MURRAY, KY.
DEAR AMUSED: Why not? And she could carry
daisies. They don’t tell.
• • •
DEAR ABBY: I would like to know if I am living with a
talented poet or an incurable woman-chaser.
My husband and I are in our late middle years, and I
thought him loyal until I found in his desk several hundred
love poems he admits he composed himself. Some are as
bland as unsalted popcorn, but most are more like
enchiladas!
These impassioned paeans of pleading, praise and ecstasy
contain the names of more than a dozen women —Ginny,
Julie, Linda, Jackie, Edna, Florence, etc. All, he insists, are
casual encounters about whom he has fantasized.
Is it possible that there is no foundation whatsoever for
all these torrid "love affairs” he so vividly described in his
poems? Just how much "poetic license” should one be
permitted?
POET’S WIFE
DEAR WIFE: Poets have vivid imaginations, but the
only way you can tell whether your husband is fantasizing
or philandering is to catch him in the latter. Meanwhile,
renew his license and forget it.
DEAR ABBY: I and several friends have hit upon an
idea for losing weight, as far out as it may seem. We pull
our shades down, lock the doors and then clean house in
the NUDE.
We noticed overweight women do NOT tend to look at
themselves in mirrors as much as more slender women.
Well, in cleaning house (which is itself exercise) we force
ourselves to look at our bodies. Our only rule is, try to keep
the stomach muscles pulled in while cleaning. It's hard at
first. But actually seeing the muscles tightened helps one
to keep them taut after the body is clothed.
Most of us have mirrors in every room. As we go from
room to room cleaning, we can’t help but come face to face
with ourselves. This may sound crazy, but I promise it
works if done in earnest.
"AUSTIN”
DEAR “AUSTIN”: Now, in addition, if you could
arrange to watch yourselves EAT, you might have it
made. (P.S. And should you decide to COOK in the nude,
do wear an apron while frying bacon.)