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Yesterday's Answer: Dice
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Granddaughter blind to signs
of fiance’s abusive potential
DEAR ABBY: My
granddaughter is getting
married in seven months
and I'm worried for her. 1
see many red flags she’s
ignoring. Because I'm old,
I don’t think she will
believe me.> '
You have'printed a list of
warning signs of an abu
sive mate. Can you print it
again so I can give it to
her? — PERCEPTIVE IN
PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR PERCEPTIVE:
Gladly, because it could be
a lifesaver.
(1) Pushes for quick
involvement: Comes on
strong, claiming, “I’ve
never felt loved like this by
anyone.” An abuser pres
sures the new partner for an
exclusive commitment
almost immediately. '
(2) Jealous: Excessively
possessive; calls constantly
or visits unexpectedly; pre
vents you from going to
work because “you might
meet someone;”’ checks the
‘mileage on your car.
(3) Controlling: 1f you
are late, interrogates you
about whom you talked to
and where you were; keeps
all the money; insists you
ask permission to go any
where or do anything.
(4) Unrealistic expecta
tions: Expects you to be the
perfect mate and meet his
or her every need.
(5) Isolation: Tries to iso
late you from family and
friends; accuses people who
are your supporters of
“causing trouble.” The abus
er may deprive you of a
phone or car, or try to pre
vent you from holding a job.
(6) Blames others for
problems or mistakes: It’s
always someone else’s fault
if something goes wrong.
(7) Makes others respon
sible for his or her feelings:
The abuser says, “You
make me angry” instead of
“l am angry,” or says,
“You’re hurting me by not
doing what I tell you.”
(8) Hypersensitivity: 1s
5B
. s@&‘
o N
DEAR ABBY
Jeanne Phillips
-easily insulted, claiming
hurt feelings when he or
she is really mad. Rants
about the injustice of things
that are a part of life.
(9) Cruelty to animals or
children: Kills or punishes
animals brutally. Also may
expect children to do’‘things
that are far beyond their
ability (whips a 3-year-old
for wetting a diaper) or
may tease them until they
cry. Sixty-five percent of
abusers who beat their part
ners will also abuse chil
dren.
(10) “Playful” use of
force: Enjoys holding you
down against your will dur
ing intimate times; finds
the idea of rape exciting.
(11) Verbal abuse:
"‘Constantly criticizes or
says blatantly cruel things;
degrades, curses, calls you
ugly names. This may also
involve sleep deprivation,
waking you with relent
less verbal abuse.
(12) Rigid gender roles:
Expects you to serve,
obey, remain at home.
(13) Sudden mood
swings: Switches from
sweet to violent in min
utes.
(14) Past battering:
Admits to hitting a mate
in the past, but says the
person made him or her
doit.
(15) Threats of vio
lence: Says things. like,
“I’ll break your neck” or
“I’ll kill you,” and then dis
misses them with,
“Everybody talks that
way,” or “I didn’t really
mean it.” :
Anyone at risk should
contact the National
Domestic Violence Hotline
at (800) 799-7233 or the
hotline.org.