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THE SEM l-WEEKLY SUMTER REPUBLICAN.
ESTABLISHED IN 1834,
CHAS. W. HANCOCK.
YOL. 18.
the Sumter Republican.
8 bmi- Weekly, One Year - - - J 4 00
Wisely, One Year - .... 2.00
in advance.^!
All advertisements eminating from public
fflces will be charged for in accordance with
an act passed by the late General Assembly
of Georgia—7s cents per hundred words for
each of the first four insertions, and 35 cents
for each subsequent insertion. Fractional
parts of one hundred are considered one
hundred words; each figure and initial, with
date and signature, is counted as a word.
The cash must accompany the copy of each
advertisement, unless different arrange
ments have been made.
Advertising Bate*:
One Square first insertion, - - - -11.00
Each subsequent insertion, - - - - W
o*Tsn Likes of Mi nion, type solid coi
stitute a square.
All advertisements not contracted for will
be charged above rates.
Advertisements not specifying the length
of time for which they are to be inserted
will be continued until ordered out and
charged for accordingly.
Advertisements tooccupy fixed places will
be charged 25 per cent. alx>ve regular rates
Notices in local column inserted for ten
oent per line each insertion.
Neat! _ . _ Cheap!
e PRINT,
NEATLY Q
executed -v
Public an
Cheap! Neat!
Charles F. Crisp,
Attorney at Law,
AMERTCUS, GA.
i lAfufiltt
B. P. HOLLIS,
Attorney at Law,
AMERICUS, GA.
Office, Forsyth Street, in National Bank
l building. dec2otf
E. G. SIMMONS.
Attorney at Law,
AMERICUS GA.,
Office in Hawkins’ building, south side of
Lamar Street, in the old office of Fort&
Simmons. janCtf
JT. A. ANBLEY,
ATTORNEY AT LAW
AND SOLICITOR IN EQUITY,
Office on Public Square, Over Gyles’
Clothing Store, Americub, Ga.
After a brief respite I return again to the
practice of law. As in the past It will be
my earnest purpose to represent my clients
faithfully and look to their interests. The
commercial practice will receive close atten
tion and remittances promptly made. The
Equity practice, and cases Involving titles of
laud and real estate are my favorites. Will
practice in the Courts of Southwest Georgia,
the Supreme Court and tho United States
Courts. Thankful to my friends for their
patronage. Fees moderate. novlitf
CARD.
i offer my professional services again to the
good people of Amerlcus. After thirty years’
of medical service, I have found it difficult
to withdraw entirely. Office next door to
f)r. Eldridgo’s drugstore, on the Square.
janlVtf K. C. BLACK, M. D.
I>r. J. A. FORT,
Physician and Surgeon.
Offers his professional services to the
people of Amerlcus and vicinity. Office at
Dr. Eldridge’s Drug Store. At night can
be found at residence at the Taylor house,
on Lamar street.
OaHs will receive prompt attention.
may2B-tf
DiTo. P. HOLLOWAY,
DentisT,
Americas. - - - Georgia
Treats successfully all diseases of the Den
tal organs. Fills teeth by the Improved
Method, and Inserts artificial teeth on the
best material known to the profession.
UrOVr IOE over Davenport and Son's
ftrilg Store. marllt
J. B. C. Smith & Sons,
tONTIAIMS AND BUILDERS,
Americus, Ga.
We are prepared to do any kind of work
la the carpenter line at short notice and on
reasonable terms. Having had years of ex
perience In the business, we fed competent
to give satisfaction. All orders for con
tracts for building will receive prompt at
tention. Jobbing promptly attended to.
mayse-am
if fM
CASH.
STRICTLY
CASH.
ON AND AFTER THE FIRST DAY OF
SEPTEMBER NEXT, OUR TERMS
WILL BE
STRICTLY CASH.
WE MEAN WHAT WE SAY,
and our friends will save unpleasantness to
us, and perhaps mortification to themselves
by recognizing the fact at once.
Persons Indebted 'to us are requested to
call and settle their bills as early as possi
ble. We are determined to close our books
, speedily, te
“Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring out the false, rlug in the true.”
M. H. FORI) & CO.,
Lamar Street. Americus. Ca.
attglWm
Miss KATE KING
Invites the attention of the Ladies to her
SELECT STOCK OF
Millinery and Fstncy &osds,
NOTIONS, Etc.
ALL OF THE LATEST STYLES,
Which she keeps on hand at all times,
and at the
LOWEST GASH PRICES!
ISTEW GOODS
ARRIVINC DAILY.
fill ASSOBTIIIT OF ZEFI &lIIS. Y 1
t*Don’t fail to Call and Examine her
stock before purchasing elsewhere.
Miss Kate King,
PUBLIC SQUARE AMERICUS, GA.
aptli-tf
LOOK!
Hrs. M. T. Elam
Has a Large Lot of
Buttons
Of various styles and qualities,
which she will sell at
5 Cents per Dozen.
Ameiucus, Ga., June 2, 1883.
(filiiaitimiiil.
IRVING INSTITUTE,
Tarry towu-oii-ilkc-ll ml nuii.
BOYS PREPARED FOR COLI.EGE OR
FOR BUSINESS.
Address
DAVIII A. IIOWE, A. 31.,
aug2s-lm PRINCIPAL.
Anus Mile and Female
HIGH SCHOOL!
The Full Term of lliis School Opens
August 20th, and (Doses in
December.
Board with the Principal at $lO
Per Month!
Tuition $2, and .fJf Per Month !
Due on the last day of each month.
In accepting the care of this school I do
so without opposition to any already estab
lished in tlie city. My object will be to
make this School a success, and I shall strive
to merit a liberal patronage.
A. J. CLARK, Principal.
auglO-tf
WESLEYAN FEMALE COLLEGE,
Macon, Georgia.
The Forty-sixth Annual Session will begin
September 19th, 1883. The most elegant
College building in the South, furnished
with all the modern appliances looking to
the health, happiness and comfort of its
Inmates.
Unsurpassed advantages in Literature,
Music and Art at moderate rates.
Apply for Catalogue to
Rev. W. 0. Bass, President,
or Rev. C W. Smith, Secretary.
july2o-tf
COLLEGE OF
Physicians and Surgeons
BALTIMORE, MB.
The practical advantages of this school
are unsurpassed. Clinics held at City Hos
pital, Maternite and Maryland Woman’s
Hospital, all of which belong to this school.
Physiological and Chemical Laboratory
Work required of every student. Apply for
a catalogue to
DU. THOMAS opie, Dean,
3 N. Carey Street.
THE UNIVERSITY OF MISSISSIPPI
-L at oxford.
Tuition free to everybody but Law Stu
dents.
This Institution will open its next session
3Ttb September, 1883.
The course is complete; the Faculty is
large, able and efficient.
The terms are very modsratc.
The whole Institution is open to both
sexes.
For catalogue and Information apply to
Gen. A. P. Stewart, Chancellor.
H. M. SULLIVAN, Secretary.
IVOItCES—No publicity; residents of
Desertion, Non-Support. Advice and
applications for stamps. W. H. LEE, Att’y,
239 B’way, N. Y.
Newspaper Advertising Bureau, 10
Spruce Street, New York.
INDEPENDENT IN POLITICS, AND DEVOTED TO NEWS, LITERATURE, SCIENCE AND GENERAL PROGRESS.
AMERICUS, GEORGIA, WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 29, 1883.
New Orleans, August 1, 1883.
TO THE PUBLIC.
Investigate for Yourselves!
Postmaster-General Gresham having pub
lished a wilful and malicious falsehood in
regard to the character of The Louisiana
State Lottery Company, the following facts
are given to the public, to prove liis state
ment, that we are engageti in a fraudulent
business, to be false and untrue:
Amount of prizes paid by The Louisiana
State Lottery Company from January 1,
1879, to present date:
Paid to Southern Express Cos., New
Orleans,!’. M. Wescoat, Manager.§l,366,3oo
Paid to Louisiana National Bank,
Jos. H. Oglesby, President 403,000
Paid to Louisiana State National
Bank, S. 11. Kennedy, President . 125,100
Paid to New Orleans National
Bank, A. Baldwin, President 88,550
Paid to Union National Bank, S.
Charlaron, Cashier 04,450
raid to Citizens’ Bank, E. L. Cnr
riore, President 57,000
Paid to Germania National Bank,
Jules Cassard, President 30,000
Paid to Hibernia National Bank,
Clias. Palfrey, Cashier 87,000
Paid to Canal Bank, Ed. Toby,
Cashier 13,150
Paid to Mutual National Bank, Jos.
Mitchell, Cashier 8,200
Total paid as above §2,253,050
Paid in sums of under §I,OOO at the
various offices of the Company
throughout the United States 2,027,410
Total paid by all §4,881,000
For the truth of the above facts we refer
the public to the officers of the above-named
corporations, and for our legality and stand
ing to tho Mayor and Officers ol the City of
Now Orleans, to tho State authorities of
Louisiana, and also to the U. S. Officials of
Louisiana. We claim to be legal, honest
and correct in all our transactions, as much
so as any business in the country. Our
standing is conceded by all who will inves
tigate, and our stock has for years been sold
at our Board of Brokers, and owned by
many of our best known and respected citi
zens.
M A. DAUPHIN, President.
WCAPITAI, PRIZE, 875, 000.
Ticket, only 85. share, lit proportion
HSLI
LOUISIANA STATE LOTTERY CO.
“ We do hereby certify that we supervise the
arrangements for all Monthly and Semi-Annual
Drawings of The Louisiana Slate Lottery
Company , and in person manage and control the
Drawings themselves , and that the same are
conducted with honesty , fairness, and in good
faith toward all parties , and the
Company to tise this certificate. , with J'ac simile,
of our signatures attached , in its advertisements.^'
Com miss loners*
Incorporated in 1868 for 25 years by tlie
Legislature for Educational and Charitable
purposes—with a capital of §1,000,000 —to
which a reserve fund of over §550,000 has
since been added.
By an overwhelming popular vote its
franchise was made a part of the present
State Constitution adopted December 2d,
A.D., 1879.
The. only Lottery ever voted on and endorsed
by the people of any State.
It never scales or postpones.
Il Circuit! Single !\iinil>er Drawings
take place monthly.
A SPIiDNDID OPPOKYHNITY TO
WIN A FORTUNE. NINTH GRAND
DRAWING, CLASS I, AT NEW OR
LEANS, TUESDAY, Soytenibcr 11, 18S:1
—lttOth Monthly Drawing-
Capital Prize, $75,000.
100,000 Tickets at Five Dollars Each.
Fractions, in Fifths in proportion.
LIST OP PRIZES.
1 CAPITAL PRIZE of 375,000
1 do do 23,000
1 do do 10,000
2 PRIZES OF ?G,OOO 12,000
5 do 2,000 10,000
10 do * 1,000 10,000
20 do * 500 10,000
100 do 200 20,000
300 do 100 30,000
500 do 50 25,000
1000 do 25 25,000
APPROXIMATION MIZES.
9 Approximation Prizes of 8750 6,750
9 do do 500 4,500
9 do do 250 2,250
1967 Prizes, amounting to ?265,500
Application for rates to clubs should be
made only to the office of the Company in
New Orleans.
For information write clearly, giving full
address. Address P. O. Money Orders or
Registered Letters to
NEW ORLEANS! NATIONAL HANK,
Now Orleans, I.a.
Ordinary Letters by Mail or Express to
M. A. DAUPHIN,
New Orleans, La M
or M. A. DAUPHIN.
UO7 Seventh St.,Washington, D.U.
augls-4w
Mrs. i. S. RillS
Is now opening her stock of
Spring Millinery!
She will have on exhibition in a few days a
full line of
HATS, BONNETS
NECKWEAR,
HAIRGOODS
ANI)
jewelry:
Those who wisli to purchase MILLINERY
will do well to call and examino her goods,
as they have been selected with great care
decßtf
Baking powders—various sorts and
sizes at
Dr. Eldridge’s Drug Store.
AYER’S
Sarsaparilla
cures Kheumatißixi, Neuralgia, Rheuma
tic Gout, General Debility, Catarrh, and
all disorders caused by a thin ami impover
ished, or corrupted, condition of the blood;
expelling the blood-poisons'from the system,
enriching and renewing the Mood, and re
storing its vitalizing power.
During a long period of unparalleled use
fulness, AVER’S B.\usaI'AlULL.v lias proven
its perfect adaptation to the cure of all dis
cuses originating in poor blood and weakened
vitality. It is si highly concentrated ex
tract of Sarsaparilla anil other blood
purifying roots, combined with lodide
of rotassium ami Iron, and is the safest,
most reliable, soul most economical blood
purifier and blood-food that esm be used.
Inflammatory Ithealnalisin Cured,
“Aveu’s S.\rs.U’A ri i.la bus cured me of
tho Inflammatory IlhciimAtism, with which
1 have suffered .nan veins.
W. Ii . Mourf.. ’’
Durham, la., March 2, 1882.
“Eight years ago 1 had an attack of
Itheumatism so severe that 1 could not
move from tho bed, or dress, without help.
1 tried several remedies without much if
any relief, until 1 took A vEft’s Sarsapa
rilla, by the ibi! of two bottles of which I
was completely cured. I have not been
troubled with the Jtlieumatism since.
Have sold large quantities of your
Sarsaparilla, and it still retains its
wonderful popularity. The many notable
cures it has effected in this vicinity con
vince me that it is the best blood medicine
ever offered to tlie public.
E. F. Harris.”
Diver St., Mucklaud, Mass., May 13, 1882.
“ Last March I was so weak from gener
al debilitv that ! could not walk without
help. Following the advice of a friend, J
commenced taking Avkr’s Sarsaparilla,
and before I had used three bottles I felt
as well as 1 ever did in my life. I have
been at work now for two months, and
think your Sarsaparilla the greatest
blood medicine in the world.
James Maynard,”
520 West 42.1 St., New Vork, July 10, 1882.
Ayer’s Sarsaparilla cures Scrofula
and all Scrofulous Complaints, Erysip
elas, Eczema, Ringworm, Blotches,
Sores, Boils, Tumors, and Eruptions of
the Skin. It clears the blood of all impuri
ties, aids digestion, stimulates the action of
tho bowels, and thus restores vitality and
strengthens tho whole system.
PREPARED BY
Dr.J.C. Ayer&Co., Lowell, Mass.
Sold by all Druggists; price §l, six bottles, ?5.
Hostetter’s Stomach Bitters, by increasing
vital power, and rendering the physical
functions regular and active, kcep3 the sys
tem in good working order, and protects it
against disease. For constipation, dyspep
sia and liver complaint nervousness, kidney
and rheumatic ailments, it is invaluable,
and it affords a sure defence against mala
rial fevers, besides removing all traces of
such disease from the system.
For sale by all Druggists and Dealers
generally.
Ague Cure
IS WARRANTED to cure all cases <*t ma
larial disease, such as Fever aud Ague, lnt< r
inittent or Chill Fever, Remittent
Dumb Ague, Bilious Fever, and Liver Com
plaint. In ease of failure, after due trial
dealers arc authorized, by our circular
July Ist, 1882, to refund the money.
Dr. J. C. Ayer & Cos., Lowell, Mass.
Sold by all Druggists.
FOUTZ’S
HORSE AND CATTLE POWDERS
. - •* n .* - -
No Horse will die of Colic. Hots or Lunq Fe
ver, If Foutz’s Powders arc used in time.
Foutz’s Powders will cure and prevent I 100 Cholera.
Foutz’s Powders will prevent Gapes in Fowls.
Foutz’s Powders will increase the quantity of milk
and cream twenty per cent., and make the butter Arm
and sweet.
Foutz’s Powders will enre or prevent almost every
Disease to which Horses and Cattle are subject.
Foutz’s Powders will give Satisfaction'.
Sold everywhere.
DAVID E. FOUTZ, Proprietor,
8AL5?H.10113. MD.
A Valuable Plantation
FOB SALE!
1 offer for sale the plantation located
three and a half miles northwest of Anted
cus, on the Muckaiee Creek, containing
Eight Hundred and Fifty Acres
of laud, about four hundred acres in a good
state of cultivation, and known as the John
Teel place. There is a good Gin house, ten
ants and other out-houses on the place, and
is Supplied with excellent well water.
Parties, wishing to purchase will call on
me on the place, or address me at Americas,
Ga. WM. USRY.
augl-2m
€£M mmt
Thankful for past patronage, a continua
tion iscarnestly solicited. One new 45 miw
uni for sale at sc.zi per saw. One 43 and
two4o second hand Gitt3 in first-class re
pair for sale at 81 per saw, nil ivurri.til
ed. REPAIRING A SPECIALTY. Shop
on Lee street, Ainericus, Ga.
auglß-lm R. L. MIZE.
All of the popular patent medicinet
and a few of tho unpopular ones as
Dr. Eldridge’s Drug Store.
SOME SINGULAR STORIES.
Strange Instances of Misleading:
Testimony.
Tius Danger of Circumstantial Evi
dence—lnstances of Persons Pun
ished for Crimes They Had Not
Committed.
Mr. David Graham Adee, iu the
Washington Republic, gives somo in
teresting instances of the misleading
character of circumstantial evidence.
In 1742 a gentleman on his way to
Hull was robbed by a highwayman,
lie stopped at the next inu, ami in de
scribing his loss stated he always
marked his coins. Shortly after retir
ing to a private parlor was waited on
by the landlord, who, informing him
he had heard of his (the traveler’s)
adventure, asked th time of the robbery
and said he suspected his hostler, who
of iate had had plenty of money. Con
tinuing, lie said that shortly before he
had sent the hostler to change a gui
nea, who returned after dark, saying
ho could not change it. The landlord
noticed the coin was not the one he
gave him, but before he heard of the
robbery lie had paid it to a country
man. He suggested that the hostler,
who was then asleep under the influence
of liquor, he searched, which, being
done, the marked coins, minus one,
weie found in his pockets. He was
tried and hanged, but years afterward
the landlord, being at the point of
death, confessed ho did the robbery,
managing to reach his inn by a short
cut, and, having paid out one of the
coins before finding they were marked,
he took advantage of an errand he had
sent the hostler on and his drunken
condition to place the marked coins in
his pockets, and the evidence of the
countryman hanged him.
The case of the innkeeper in Oxford
shire, Jonathan Bradford, lias often
been told. Late one night two guests
heard deep groans proceeding from an
adjoining apartment, and, repairing
there, saw Bradford, with adong knife
in his hands, standing over tho body of
a guest named llayes, who, earlier iu
the evening, had admitted that he had
a large sum of money in his possession.
Bradford stoutly maintained his inno
cence, claiming he had been attracted
by the groans of the victim, and had
just drawn the knife from the wound
when the other guests arrived. The
evidence, however, was strong against
him, and he was hanged. The real
facts of tho crime did not come to light
for some years, but Bradford was not
innocent of tho intent, if of the deed
(overt act.) The murder had been
perpetrated by Mr. Hayes’ own ioot
man, who, knowing that his master
had a large amount of money with him
determined upon his Heath and rob
bery. Going to his room, therefore, he
had stabbed him, rifled his saddle-bags,
and made his way in safety to his
own apartment only, as it must have
been, tea seconds before the innkeeper
himself arrived upon the tragic scene.
But, strange to relate, Bradford left a
confession, which had been kept secret,
that, although innocent of the murder,
ho had stolon to tho room of his guest
with the mind of effecting his death,
lie had heard Hayes boast of his mon
ey at supper, had deliberately planned
to kill and rob him, and was stricken
with amazement when he found that
the deed had already been done. lie
had been anticipated by but a few min
utes in the execution of his murderous
design.
In Edinburgh, in the year 1721,
lived William Shaw, an upholsterer,
with an only daughter named Cathar
ine. The girl was to be married to
one John Lawson, a jeweler, toward
whom her father bore all the hearty,
honest aversion known as “Scotch
hate.” John had been a wild lad, too
fond of “hot Scotches” and the lasses,
but was entirely devoted to one lass
since his engagement to Catherine
Shaw. Old Shaw had sworn that
Lawson should never enter his family,
and with violence forbade him to come
near the house. There was the sou of
a friend of the family, named Robert
son, however, whom the father urged
his daughter to marry. The girl’s lot
was hard enough, what with her love
for Lawson and the harsh treatment
meted out to her in order to bring
about her consent to wed her parent’s
choice. This state of affairs had ex
istedfor some weeks, when one evening
Shaw returned home in wrath, and
peremptorily ordored Catherine to ac
cept of young Robertson without fur
ther delay, and prepare for marriage at
an early day. The girl angrily refused
to comply, preferring death to the al
ternative of sacrificing happiness. The
quarrel had waxed so violent that it
was overheard by several neighbors,
and when Shaw left the room one
named Morrison heard him shut and
lock the door ami go down stairs to the
street. All was still in Shaw’s rooms
after this for awhile, hut soon tho
sound of low groans fell upon Morri
son’s startled ear. In terror he ran to
the neighbors, giving the alarm, and
telling them of the previous furious
altercation. A crowd assembled about
the npholster’s door, and Catherine’s
voice was distinctly heard to murmur:
“Cruel father, you are thecati-e •>! my
death. Yon have killed me!”
The door was then broken in by a
constable who had been summoned,
and Catharine Shaw was discovered
lying upon the floor bathed in blood
and with a bloody knife beside her,
and died without another word. At
this critical instant Shaw himself came
up the stairs and into the room. All
eyes were fixed upon him. He trem
bled when he beheld the horror at his
feet, grew deadly pale and seemed as
if about to faint. His guilty conster
nation was apparent.
“To prison with the murderer! Off
with him to jail!” shouted the threat
ening throng, and William Shaw was
hurried before a magistrate and at once
committed to a cell, charged with the
slaying of his child. At the trial all
was plain enough. The quarrel, the
broken words of Catharine ("barbari
•ty, brutality, death!”) overheard by
Morrison and the ante-mortem declara
tion of the victim (“Cruel father, you
are the cause of my death. You have
killed me!”) all these proofs left no
doubt as to the guilt of the unnatural
parent. He was convicted sentenced
and hanged in chains at Leith Walk
in November, 1721
Some time after, however, workmen
discovered a letter thrust in a cavity in
the girl’s bedroom in which she an
nounced she would commit suicide
since she was denied the man of her
choice.
In the case ot Shaw’s strong efforts
were made to set matters right. The
hanging of an entirely innocent
man becauio the talk of the excited
town. The Magistracy of Edinburgh,
after a close and cautious scrutiny of
Catharine Shaw’s posthumous letter,
perfectly satisfied of its authenticity
(so that no injustice should be done,)
straightway directed that the bleached
bones of the executed Shaw should be
cut down from the gallows, where the
chains still held them, and given to liis
friends and family for descent sepul
ture, while a pair of town colors were
to he waved above the grave in token
of restitution. But it was never known
that the performance of those repentant
ceremonies brought hack the breath to
the body of the poor wretch hanged by
mistake.
THE BAD BOY SAVES HIS I’A.
How His Sire Was Cured ol'a Bad
Habit.
Evil Consequences of Dissipation Il
lustrated in a Startling Manner
—The Groceryman’b Comments on
Joking.
“Come in,” said the grocery man to
the bad boy, as the youth stood on tlie
steps in an uncertain sort of a way, as
though lie did not know whether he
would be welcome or not. “I tell you,
boy, I pity you. I understand your pa
has got to drinking again. It is too
bad. I can’t think of anything that
humiliates a boy and makes him so
ashamed, as to have a father that is in
the habit of hoisting iu too much ben
zine. A boy feels as though everybody
was down on him, and I don’t wonder
that such hoys often turn out bad.
What started your pa to drinking
again?”
“Oh, ma thinks it was losing money
on the Chicago races. You sec, pa is
great on pointers. He don’t usually
bet unless he has got a sure thing, bat
when he gets what they call a pointer,
that is, somebody tells him a certain
horse is sure to win, because the other
horses are to be pulled back, he thinks
a job has been put up, and if he thinks
he is inside the ring he will bet. He
says it does not do any hurt to bet, if
you win, and he argues that a man
who wins lots of money can do a great
deal of good with it. But ho had to
walk home from the Chicago races all
the same, and he has been steaming
ever since. I’a can’t stand adversity.
But I guess we have got him all right
now. He is the scartest man you ever
saw,” and the boy took a can opener
and began to cut the zinc under the
stove, just to see if it would work as
well on sine as on tin.
“What, you haven’t been dissecting
him again, have you?” said the grocery
man, as lie pulled a stool lip beside the
hoy to hear the news. “How did you
bring him to his senses?”
“Well, ma has an idea that I have
got some sense yet, so I told her that
if she would do just as I said, me and
my churn would scare pa so that he
would swear off. She said she would,
and we went to work. First 1 took
pa’s spectacles down to an optician,
Saturday night, and had the glasses
taken out and a pair put in their place
that would magnify, and I took them
home and put them in pa’s spectacle
case. Then I got a suit of clothes from
chum’s uncle’s trunk, about half the
size of pa’s clothes. My chum’s uncle
is a very small man, and pa is corpu
lent. I got a pug hat three sizes
than pa’s hat, and took the name out
of pa’s hat and put it in the small hat.
I got a shirt about half big enough for
pa, and put his initials on the thing
under the bosom, and got a number
fourteen collar. Pa wears se /enteen.
Pa had promised to brace up and go to
church Sunday morning, and ma put
these small clothes where pa could put
them on. I told ma, when pa woke
up, to tell him he looked awfully
bloated, and excite his curiosity, and
then send for me.”
“You didn’t play such a trick as
that od a poor old man, did you?” said
the grocery man, as a smile came over
his face.
“Yon bet. Desperate diseases re
quire desperate remedies. Well, ma
told pa he looked awfully bloated, and
that his dissipation was killing him, as
well as all the rest of the family. Pa
said he guessed he wasn’t bloated very
much, but he got up and put ou his
spectacles and looked at himself in the
glass. You’d a dide to see him look at
himself. His face looked as big as
two faces through the glasses, and his
FOUR DOLLARS PER ANNUM.
NO. 97.
nose was a sight. I’a looked scared,
and then he held up his hand and look
ed at that. His hand looked like a ham.
Just then I came in, and turned pale,
with some chalk on my face, and I be
gan to cry, and I said: ‘Oh, pa, what
ails you? You are so swelled up I
hardly knew you.” Pa looked sick to
his stomach, and then he tried to get
on the pants. Oh, my, it was all I
could do to keep from laughing to see
him pull them pants on. The pants
wouldn’t come around pa into ten
inches, and pa said he must have eat
something that disagreed with him,
and he laid it to watermelon. Ma
stuffed her handkerchief in her mouth
to keep from lading when she see pa
look at hisself. The legs of the pants
were so tight pa couldn’t hardly
breathe, and he turned pale, and said:
‘Henery.yourpaisa mighty sick man,’
and then ms and me both luffed and
he said we wanted him to die so we
could spend his life insurance in riotous
living. But when pa put on that con
densed shirt, ma she laid down on the
lounge and fairly yelled, and I laffed
’till my side ached. Pa got it over his
head, and got his hands in the sleeves,
and couldn’t get it either way, and he
couldn’t see us laugh, but he could
hear us, and lie said: “It’s blamed
funny, ain’t it, to have a parent
swelled up this way. If I bust you
will both be sorry.” Well, ma took
hold of on one side ol the shirt, and I
took hold of the other, and we polled
it on, and when pa’s head came up
through the collar his faco was fairly
blue. Ma told him she was afraid he
would have a stroke of apoplexy before
he got his clothes on, and I guess pa
thought so too. He tried to get the
collar on, but it wouldn’t go half-way
around his neck, and he looked in the
glass and cried he looked so. He sat
down in a ehair and panted, he was
so out of breath, and the shirt and
pants ripped, and pa said there was no
use living if he was going to be a rival
to a fat woman in the side-show. Just
then I put the plug hat on pa’s head,
and it was so small it was going to roll
off, when pa tried to fit it on his head,
and then he took it off and looked in
side of it, to see if it was his hat, and
when he found his name in it, he said:
“Take it away. My head is all wrong
too.” Then lie told me to go for the
doctor mighty mighty quick. 1 got
the doctor and told him what we were
trying to do do with pa, and lie said
he would finish the job. So the doc
came in and pa was on the lounge, and
when the doe saw him he said it was
luck he was called just as he was, or
wo would have tailed an undertaker,
lie put some pounded ice on pa’s head
the first thing, ordered the shirt cut
open and we got the pants off. Then
we gave pa an emetic, and had his feet
soaked, and pa said: “Doc, if you will
bring mo out ot this I will never drink
another drop.” The doc told pa that
his life was not worth a button if he
ever drank again, and left about half a
pint of sugar pills to be fired into pa
every five minutes. Ma and me Bat up
with pa all day Sunday, and Monday
morning I changed the spectacles, and
took the clothes home, and along about
noon pa said he felt as though he could
get up. Well, you never see a tickled
er man than he was when he found the
swelling had gone down so he could
get his pants and shirt on, and he says
that doctor is the best in this town.
Ma says I am a smart boy, and pa has
taken the pledge, and we are all right.
Say, you don’t think there is anything
wrong in a boy playing it on his pa
once in a while, do you?”
“Not much! you have very likely
saved your pa’s life. No, sir, joking
is all right when by so doing you can
break a person of a bad habit,” and
the grocery man cut a chew of tobacco
off a piece of plug that was on the
counter, which the boy had soaked in
kerosene, and before he had fairly got
it rolled in his cheek when he spit it
out and began to gag, and as the boy
started leisurely out tho door the
grocery man said: "Look-a-here don’t
you ever tamper with my tobacco
again, or by thunder, I’ll maul you,”
and he followed the boy to the door,
spitting cotton all the way, and as tho
boy went around the corner the grocery
man thought how different a joke
seemed when it was on somebody else.
And then he turned to go in and rinse
the kerosene out of his mouth, and
found a sign on a box of new green
apples, as follows: ‘ Colic or cholera
infantum. You pays your money and
takes your choice.”— Peck’s Sun.
He Firm.
Never knock under. Never! Always
rally your forces for a more desperate
assault.
If calumny assaults you, and the
world, as it is apt to do in such cases,
takes part in your traducers, don’t turn
moody or misanthropic, or worse still,
seek to drown your happiness in dissi
pation. Bide your time. Disprove
the slander if you can, if not live it
down.
If poverty comes upon you like a
thief in the night, what then? Let it
rouse you like the presence of the Teal
thief would do, to energetic action. No
matter how deep you have gone into
hot water—always provided yon do not
help the father of lies to heat it—your
case, if you are of the light kiud of
stuff, is not desperate, nor is it in ac
cord of divino order and sweep of
things that life should have any difli
culties which an honest, determined
man, with heaven's help, cannot sur
mount.
Rome people consider themselves
blamed when they are not praised,