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TlB Mnvilli Eiprass. ■■ - T CORNELIUS” W nXINOBAM. Editor. For the cause that needs assistance, For the wrong that needs resistance, .Foi’ tins future in the distance, And the good that we can do. CARTERBVLLE, : NEWS GLEANINGS. There are 8,456 masons in Alabama. Jacksonville, Ala., has excellent water works. Aberdeen has the largest hotel in the State of Mississippi. Alabama ranks fifteenth in the pro duction of iron. There are five hundred Sunday-schools in Mississippi. There are 1,100 miners at Pratt Mines, Ala., 175 being convicts. Birmingham’s (Ala.) assessments for 1881 double those of 1880. The Texas and Pacific railway track is now laid 292 miles west of Dallas. A large furniture factory is being successfully operated in Shreveport, La. Macon county, Alabama, is out of debt, no one in jail, and the sheriff spends his time fishing. Cattle, in considerable numbers, are dying below Chattanooga, Tennessee, of some unknown disease. Enough sweet potatoes will be made in Florida this year to supply the Uni ted States. A mammoth hotel is to be erected at the Hot Springs, Arkansas, by a com pany from Maine. Six hundred new horses and mules are required to supply the demand at Abbeville, S. C., every vear. ‘ Twenty-nine Uundred and fifty agri cultural liens have been filed in Fair field, S. C. The members of the broken bank at Aberdeen, Mississippi, have been indic ted under the new statute which makes it a penal offense to receive money on deposit in a bank when in a failing con dition. The Macon (Ga.) Telegraph and Mes senger reports the arrival of a member of the fish commission with 1,800,000 shad, which were promptly placed in Ocmulgee river. Knoxville (Tenn.) Tribune : United States Senetor Howell E. Jackson, of Tennessee, has purchased the elegant residence of W. B. Shaw, on Vermont avenue. Washington, at a cost of $20,000. Claflin University, at Orangeburg, S. C., is for colored students exclusively, and is supported by the State. Connec ted with it, by .special act of the Legis lature, is a branch of the State Agricul tural College and a Mechanics’ Institute, the university as a whole being directed by co-operating boards of trustees. The university has three departments—col lege, normal school and grammar school. The total number for 1880-81 numbered 388. Connected with the university is the Baker Theologica’ Institute, where young men are trained for the ministry. General Francis A. Walker, superin tendent of the United States census, telegraphs to the Enquirer-Sun, of Co lumbus, Ga., that a clerical error has been made in the population of Colum bus. It should be 10,123. The Enquirer- Sun says that this is correct according to the returns made by the enumerators, but adds: “We are confident that it falls short ol the population of the city by more than two thousand inhabitants. Within three-quarters of a mile of the court-house there is a population of not less than twenty thousand people, but we can not claim them, even though nearly every one is directly engaged in business in the city.”. The Two Girls of Frostburg. Two young ladies for the past four Jears have had control of a farm of one undred and sixty acres near Frostburg. They have plowed, sowed, reaped, buSt fences, raised hogs and performed the other countless duties incident to a pastoral life. In addition to their out side duties the care of a widowed and in valid mother has been a tax on their energies. One of the ladies is a shoe maker, and all work of that kind used by the family is executed by her. The house in which they live is large and roomy, yet these two girls, whose ages, by the way, are twenty-two and twenty, have made all the carpet, and made it well, too, painted a number of farm soenes and family portraits in oil, and filled up the otherwise vacant spots with waxwork, etc. Besides, the fact that they are good musicians, the fact that they never shock your refined ear with ungrammatical remarks, is also note worthy. Go to that much-abused village of Punxsuatawney, and, after inquiring for the location of Frostburg, walk in that direction just three nmes and you will reach the home-made home of Emma and Marrilla Black.— Pittsburg Dispatch. A significant but melancholy com ment upon the value of the work actual ly accomplished by the muoh valued Boston schools is found in the fact that a prominent lawyer who wished a copyist, recently was forced to reject a large number of applicants who had graduated from our high school, for the simple reason that not one of them could spell common words even tolerably.— Boston Courier. *Ot 1 le Went fromttie old home hearthfton*, Only six y Mrs ago, ▼ A iMgblDg* froli<*ingfcllow, —lt would yotr-fned to rnow. Sine* then we have not see him, And we say, with Dameless pain, Th* boy that we knew and loved ao We shall never see again. One hearing the name we gave him Comes home to us to-day, But this is not the dear fellow % . ! We kissed and sent away. Tall as tho man he nails fat her, With a man’s look In liis face, 1 e he who takes by the hearthstone The lost boy’s olden place. We miss the laugh that made musie Wherever the lost boy went. This man has a smile most winsome, His eyes have a gravo intent} We know lie is thinking and planning His way in the world of men, And we cannot help but love him, But we long for our boy again. ; 1 Vit 1 ill ■ 1 !T *• ! We are proud of this manly fellow Who comes to take his place, With hints of the ’••.mished boyhood In his earnest, thoughtful face; And yet comes back thj longing For the boy we henceforth must miss, Whom we sent away from the hearthstone Forever with a kiss. THE NEWSPAPER. Uezcklali Jones, Editor oftlie Flapdoodle, Dram a Few Sketches from Nature. [From the Steubenville Herald.] The editor of the Evening Flapdoodle sat in his sanctum the other morning, just before beginning his day’s work, and thought he had brought his paper about as near perfection as possible for an ordi nary-sized town close to a half dozen big cities, and he was wondering how he might further improve it, when his cogi tations were interrupted by an acquaint ance coming in. “Hello, Mr. r* 'xssors,” he facetiously said, “writing up editorials with the shears, eh?” The editor tried to smile at the old joke, and the visitor went on. “I tell you what it is, Jones, you have a pretty good paper, but what do you want in a town like this with long editorials ? Give us short ones. You can’t mold public sentiment, you must simply echo it.” Then he left, and Jones told his associate not to write any long editorials that day, as he proposed, for once, to make the Flapdoodle just to suit every subscriber who wanted a change. In a half hour along came a wicked fellow who talked newspaper a long while, and then said he didn’t see any use of Sunday reading, nor any other religious matter in a pa per, and if it was his he would bounce it all. The editor said nothing, but when the man went away he told his Sunday editor not to send any matter for that day. Then Jones rested and thought for a few minutes, and a pious old party dropped in. As he knew a good deal about the business in its moral aspect, he talked along, and at last said that no newspaper could be decent which ad mitted to its columns any sensational matter, any advertisements other than the most high-toned, any slangy squibs, or anything which could not be read without a blush by the most capriciously fastidious. Jones was silent, but later he went and ordered all that matter set aside. So far, Jones thought he was getting things to suit pretty well, and then another man came in, and like the others, knew all about the business of editing a paper. He was a city politi cian, and said, “Mr. Jones, you don’t have enough politics. Why don’t you throw out these farm notes, and kitchen receipts, and odds and ends of old news, and telegraphic brevities which we get in the other pa pers and give us politics? That’s what the children cry for.” Again iftas Jones silent aud later gave orders for the ex pulsion of all this objectionable matter and waited for the next one. He came pretty soon, and he had a coffin for a coat and a shroud for a handkerchief, and he smelt like the dust which blows off of skeleton. Said he, “Jones, Hike your paper, but what do you run that funny business in it for? It’s silly, stale, and flatter than last year’s ale with the bottle left open. What does a man want to laugh for anyhow? This is a vale of tears and we should always remember that in the uncertainty of life death may out us off with an idle laugh upon our lips. ” * ‘That’s so, ” groaned Jones. ‘ ‘l’ll cut every line of fun right out,” and off he hurried and out went all the funny business. As he went home at noon he met a lady who said she didn’t see what they wanted to fill ft paper full of politics for, because nobody read that. “Don’t they?” said Jones, “then out she goes,” and when he got back it all went out. “I’m bound to please ’em all” said the editor, “If I have to buy anew of fice. ” Right after dinner a man of business proclivities came in and said he didn’t see any use of “these silly little per sonals and them short local items that didn’t amount to anything anyway.” If ft was his paper he would have some thing of a higher nature or let the place go bare. Jones listened and told the foreman to whack out all that sort of stuff at once. Then he felt easier, till a lot of pretty girls came in, and, after making a purchase, asked him what a newspaper was filled full of advertise ments for; nobody ever read them, and one said she was going to stop taking the paper if he was going to fill it up that way. Jones told the young lady he would have a paper to suit every one, or rather made after the suggestions of e very one, and he hopgd she would not find fault. Then he went and or dered out every ‘ad.’ and smack and smooth, and waited for the next man. He came along pretty soon, and said he could stand anything but poetry, and that was his abomina tion in a newspaper, and it never ought to encounter the columns of a local jour nal, because it was meant for magazines, and that sort of papers. Jones took it in, and went out and ordered all his fine poetry knocked down. Then he waited again, and a woman came in, and said the fashion notes were no good, because the magazines had them all in greater quantity, and another thing slie didn’t like, was the markets. “What good was them!” she said. “I don’t know,” he replied, “so I’ll throw ’em out.” “ I hope you will,” she answered, and went away. In ten minutes the markets and fashions were on the standing galley. Jones began to look around, and as he was studying, a smaU boy said to him that “marriage and (Teatli notices was mighty thin readin’,” and Jones slung them clear out into the corner. After this change he went over into the count ing room, and an old man was there waiting to pay his subscription. “ It’s a good paper, Jones, but in this place you only want to talift notice of local affairs, and lefcall the miscellaneous aud general business go,” and—then Jones ga#lhe old fellow a receipt and rushed back and took out all the miscellaneous and gen eral matter that was left, and as he took out the last handful a friend came through the office and critically examin ing his surroundings, said, “ The Flap doodle is ft good paper, Jones, but I do think yon have the ugliest head on it I ever saw. Why don’t you change it? I’m certain I never would let such a head appear on a paper of mine.” “All right,” said Jones, and off came the head. “Now, Mr. Foreman,” he con tinued, “lockup the forms and send them down to the press room.” The forms were duly locked and went down, and the paper came out and was dis tributed as usual. The next morning, the politician, and the solemn man, the friend, the school girl, the woman, the small boy, and all the rest of them were standing around the Flap doodle office with blank sheets of paper in their hands; not a line, not a word, not a sign of anything on it but column rules, with nothing between. “How is this?” said each to the other, “and where’s that fool editor, to impose on us in this way ?” While they were thus talking, the devil came in with a letter from the editor, which the old man read to the crowd. It ran as follows: “Dear friends, you all think you know how to run a newspaper, and when you come to me with your suggestions I hate to tell you differently, so I have fol lowed your advice and you see what you have as the result. If you will be kind enough to mind your own business half as well as I do mine, and try to think I know a little something, while you don’t know it all, I will give you a good newspaper, and whenever I don’t give you your money’s worth, then come and tell me so, bilt don’t come telling me how I should do my work, when I have devoted years to it, and you have never given it an hour’s study. “I am yours truly, 4, Hezekiah Jones, “Editor Flapdoodle Then these good people looked at their blank paper and their blank faces, and not one said a word except the pro fane man, who remarked, “Damme, the editor is right; let’s go and mind our own business,” and Jones crept out from behind the counter, and that evening issued a tip-top paper, chuck full of all sorts of persona] and local items, and news, and- everything, and there was peace in that town for the space of a long time. The Fox’s Advice to the Hare. One- day a fox discovered a fine chance to capture a pullet for his dinner, tho only drawback being the fact that the farmer had set a trap just in the path which any depredator must travel. In this emergency the hungry Reynard hunted around until he found a hare, and, after a few remarks on the state of the weather, the scramble for office, the Whittaker investigation and the Turkish question, he said: “I was just thinking, as I overtook you, what impudence some folks have. ” “ How ?” “ Why, I met Miss Pullet a short time since, and she boasted of being able to out-run you.” “ The brassy creature 1” exclaimed the hare. “Why, I can run as fast as she can fly !” “ Certainly you can, but she’s doing you great injury among your friends by her stories. If I were you I’d see her and warn her that this thing must stop. ” “I’ll do it! I was built for speed, and everybody knows it, and I won’t have no pullet boasting that she can out run me. Come along, and show me where she is.” “Well, I’ll go as a special favor to you, of course,” humbly replied the fox, ‘ * and, to show Miss Pullet what the foxes think of the hares, I will let you take the lead and follow in your footsteps.” As they neared the coop the hare be gan to arrange a little speech of greet ing, but he soon had other fish to fry. He walked into the trap with eyes wide open, and ere he had recovered from the shock the fox had secured his dinner. “Sayl Say l I’m caught I” yelled the hare, as he struggled with the trap. “So I observe,” was the reply. “And what is your advice?” “ To get away as soon as you can !” Moral : Every neighborhood scandal has three lies to one truth. No person becomes a tale-bearer except to forward some scheme of his own. When a fox is anxious to preserve the reputation of a hare, let the hare look out. —Detroit Free Press. Matrimonial Methods. To show that the habit of declaiming against the beautitudes of matrimonial life and protesting that* the nation is to be ruined if a period is not put to fash ion is no new thing, we extract the fol lowing from the Connecticut Herald , printed in the year 1823: “As it is idle to hope for reformation in those who are possessed with the fashionable mania, and as the want of cash seems to be the obstacle to matrimony, I would beg leave to propose a plan, which may prove beneficial to both sexes. It is not a new one, but has been so long out of date that it will at least possess the charm of novelty. Let all marriageable girls, young ana old, be assembled an nually at one place. Let them be put up by an auctioneer one after another. The rich will pay a high price for the handsomest. The money thus received should be bestowed as a settlement on the more homely, whom the auctioneer should present in regular order, asking if any one would accept such an one with such a sum. This plan was prac ticed with great success among the As syrians and several other nations of antiquity, as any one of our ready-made archaeologists will admit. By it the rich will be able to support their bar gains, of course, and the second-chop wives—to use a flowery and celestial idiom—will bring something to support their husbands and their own extrava gance; no one being obliged to accept a damsel if she has nothing but love and duty to. offer.” • In the opinion of the Burlington Hawkeye a good poet, with a light touch of humor, can make more money writing liver pad “ads” and liniment no tices than Yirgil got for his /‘iEneid.” £ The Southern Soldier. In the *wint*ar pf 1863 the First regi ment of Virginia Ajrtillery was in winter quarters at' jcredeifick Hflifl,'"VS. Bie Second company of Richmond Howitz ers was camping on the grounds of Hr. Pendleton, Here an incident occurred which illustrates how little regard the volunteer had for army regulations. Lieut. 0., of the Salem Artillery, was a graduate of the Virginia Military Insti tute at Lexington. He made himself quite obnoxious to the boys by his strict military discipline, whether in the field or camp, or in the winter quarters. It was his great delight to be officer of the day, on which occasion he would do all he could to impress the men with the idea that he was au fait in army regulations. One night he rode up to the place where the Second Howitzers were parked and yelled out in a very loud voice, . “ Where is the sentinel on this post ? The sentinel was sitting on a ruptured bag of corn, engaged in parching a quantity of the grain, more for the pur pose of passing the time away (of course) than with any intention of satiating his appetite (for all good soldiers will re member tliat an appetite was an imple ment not marked down in the catalogue of a Confederate soldier’s accouter ments), and he replied; “It ain’t a post; it’s a sack of corn. “ Where’s your corporal ? ” “Sleep, I reckon.” “ Why don’t you walk your post ? ” “ Didn’t I tell you ’twa’nt a post ? ” “ Who’s corporal of this guard ? ” “Billy McCarthy, Second Howitzers; sleeps in second cabin at head of line on left side,” replied the sentry, all during the conversation keeping his eye on his frying-pan, which he continued to shake to keep his com from burning. “Young man,” said Lieut. C., “you don’t seem to know the first duty of a soldier. Hew long have you been in the army?” Three years, one month, ten days and eighteen hours, when the relief comes round. I always keep it to the notch,” replied the sentry, singing a few snatchy es from the popular song of those days * “ When the cruel war is over ” “Why did you not rise, salute me and walk your beat when I came up ? I shall report you to headquarters in the morning for neglect of duty.” Baying which the Lieutenant departed and soon disappeared in the darkness. After giving him sufficient time to get off some distance, the sentinel mounted the pile of com and yelled out: “ Hello there, mister ! ” “ What’ll you have ? ” was the reply. “ Who are you, anyhow? ” The Lieutenant answered: “I am Lieut. C., officer of the day.” “Oh ! shucks,” replied tho sentry; “blame my hide if I didn’t think you was Gen. Lee.” Poet-Laureates of England. The custom of crowning a poet with laurel originated among the Greeks, and was adopted by the Romans, who bor rowed this, as many other things, from their more cultured neighbors of the East. The poets who received the crown were the ones who succeeded in the con tests. In the twelfth century the cus tom was revived in Germany by the Em peror, who invented the title of poet laureate. Petrarch was crowned in 1341 at the Roman capital, which event at tached new interest to the title. The early history of the laureateship in Eng land is traditional. The story runs that Edward 111, in 1367, emulating the coronation of Petrarch, granted the office to Chaucer, with a yearly pension of 100 marks and a tierce of Malvoisi© wine. Ben, rare old Ben Jonson, mentions Henry Scogan as the laureate of Henry IV. John Kav, or Cain, was oourt-poet under Edward IV, and Andrew Bernard held the same office under Henry VTI and Henry VIII. John Skelton received from Oxford, and subsequently from Cambridge, the title of poet-laureate; and Spenser is spoken of as the laureate of Queen Elizabeth, because of his hav ing received a pension of £lO a year when he presented her the first books of the “Faerie Queen.” In 1619 the “order” was formallv established by James I, who granted Ben Jonson, by patent, an annuity for life of 100 marks, and thus seoured his services. In 1630 the laureateship was made a patent office in the gift of the Lord Chamberlain. The salary wav: increased from 100 marks to £IOO, and a tierce of Canary wine was added, which was commuted in Southey’s time for £27 a year. There was from that period a regular succession of laureates. The performance of the annual odes was suspended after the final derangement of George 111 in 1810. The poet-laureate from the time of Southey has written what he chose and aud when he chose. Wordsworth irrote nothing in return for the distinction, and Tennyspn has written very little. The following is the list of the laureates from Jonson’s day to date: Ben Jonson 1630-1637 Wm. Davenport 1637-1668 John Dryden. ..1670-1688 Thomas Snadwell 1689-1692 Nahum Tate 1693-1714 Nicholas Rowe 1714-1718 Lawrence Eusden 1719-1730 Colley Cibber 1730-1757 Wm. Whitehead 1758-1785 Thomas Warton 1785-1790 Henry James Pye 1790-181S Robert Southey. , .1813-1843 Wm. Wordsworth 1843-1850 Alfred Tennyson 1850 The Eagle and the Kite. An eagle, overwhelmed with sorrow, sat upon the branches of a tree in com pany with a kite. “ Why,” asked the kite, “ do I 3ee you with such a rueful look?” The eagle answered, “I seek a mate suitable for me, and am notable to find one.” “Take me,” responded the kite. “I am much stronger than you. I have often carried off an ostrich in my 'talons.” The eagle, persuaded by these words, accepted the kite as a mate. Af ter the election, so to speak, was over, the eagle told the kite to fly off and bring back the ostrich it had promised. The kite soared aloft and returned in time with a miserable little mouse in an advanced state of decomposition from the length of time it had lain on the ground. “Is this,” said the eagle, “the faithful performance of your prom ise to me ?” The kite unblushingly re sponded : “ You must know that to ac complish any object there is no lie Ilfrill not tell.” The only moral to this fable is that the people should not always send to the Legislature the man who talks loudest with his mouth.— Galveston News.. .1 'dt England’s Rulers. The Kerman line began with William the Conqueror; then coffies in succession the houses of Plantagenet, Lancaster, York, Tudor, Stuart, the Commonwealth, Stuart-Orange Stuart, and Hanover. William the Conqueror was the sixth sovereign of Normandy. Henry 11, the first of the Plantagenets, was the son of Matilda of Scotland, a direct descendant of Edmund 11, surnamed Ironside, who was the son ahA successor of Ethelred n, born in 989, and King of the Anglo- Saxons in 1016. Henry IV, as the last of the Plantagenets (Richard H) left no children, was the eldest !?on of John of Gaunt, Duke of Lancaster, fourth son of Edward HI, and of Blanche, daughter and heiress of Henry Plantagenet, Duke of Lancaster, great grandson pf Henry TTT Edward IV, the first of the House of York, was descended from the fifth son of Edward in, as the Lancastrian Kings had descended from the fourth sou of the same sovereign. Henry VH, the first of the Tudors, was a descendant of Henry V. James lof England, and VI of Scotland, was the son of Lord Darnley and Mary Queen of Scots, and his right to the succession rested on his descent from Henry VTI through his great-grandmother, Margaret. Charles II was the second child among sixth of Charles I, and started anew the Stuart line at the restoration. Mary, who with William of Orange, ruled Britain, was a Stuart, as was also Anne, “the good queen.” George I, of the House of Hanover, was descended on his mother’s side from James I. The following will show the length of the reigns of the several houses: Years. The Norman line. 1066-1154 Plantagenet JiSfcJS? Lancaster 1399-1461 York 1461-1485 Tudor.'. 1485-1603 Stuart . 1603-1649 Commonwealth 1649-1660 Stuart 1660-1688 Stuart-Orange 1688-1702 Stuart 1702-1714 Hanover 1714 The following will show at a glance the rulers. There were often a number of queens, and, as space is limited, only the actual rulers’ names are given: Norman — Tudor — William 1066-1087 Mary 1553-1558 Wm. Rufus.. 1087-1100 Elizabeth 1558-1603 Henry 1 1100-1135 Stuart— Stephen... ..1135—1154 James X 1603-1625 Plantagenet— Charles 1 1625-1649 Henry if.. ..1154-1189 Commonwealth— Richard 1.'.. 1189-1199 Parliamentary John 1199-1216 Executive... 1649-1653 Henry 111. ..1216-1272 Protectorate.. 1653-1660 Edward 1....1272-1307 Stuart— Edward 11... 1307-1327 Charles 11.. ..1660-1685 Edward HI.. 1327-1377 James II 1685-1688 Richard 11...1377-1399 RtTinrt-Orange— Lancaster!— William and Henry 1Y... 1399-1413 Mary 1688-1694 Henry V.. ...1413-1422 William 111...1694-1702 Heuy.v VI.. ..1422-1461 Sttiart- York — Anne 1702-1714 Edward 1Y... 1461-1483 Hanover— Edward V.,, .1483-1483 George 1 1714-1727 Richard 111.. 1483-1485 George n... .1727-1760 Tudor — George IH.. .1760-1820 Henry V 11... 1485-1509 George IV.. ..1820-1830 Henry VIII.. 1509-1547 William IV.. .1830-1837 Edward V1...1547-1553 Victoria 1837 Flint-Lock and Percussion Cap. The flint-lock musket and fowling piece died hard, as will be apparent to all who remember that in 1807 the Rev. Mr. Forsyth took out the first patent for a percussion gun, and that it took at least twenty years from that date for the weapon to be generally accepted and employed by English sportsmen, and thirty years from 1807 for it to be adopt ed by the British army. Such is the in eradicable conservatism of the British nation, and of its Governmental depart ments, that every great soldier who had won his spurs in the Peninsular war, in cluding, among many others, the Iron Duke and Sir Charles James Napier, wrote absurd platitudes against “the new-fangled substitute for the glorious weapon with which our soldiers won Albuera, Salamanca and Waterloo.” The new percussion musket was viewed with such suspicion and mistrust by the War Office pundits that it was issued, in the first instance, only to one company in every regiment. Happily, it had an op portunity of manifesting and establish ing its incontestible superiority over the matchlocks pitted against it in Afghan istan and upon the Sutlej; nor was Sir Charles Napier slow to confess that to the new weapon, admirably handled by the Twenty-second regiment of British foot, and by the Twenty-ninth regiment of native mfantry, he mainly owed his astonishing victory over 85,000 Beloo chees at Mesanee in the February of 1843. The percussion musket was not introduced into the French army until 1840; but Mesanee was its “baptism of fire” throughout the civilized world, and it is doubtful whether 1,800 British sol diers, of whom little more than 400 were Europeans, ever gained a more honor able or meritorious victory. But, while the new weapon was slowly making its way as a military small-arm, it was eagerly seized upon and adopted at a much earlier date by sportsmen, who were quick to recognize the advantages secured by the rapidity of ignition and certainty of explosion imparted by the percussion detonating cap to the charge of gunpowder within the barrel, Henry Wilson. The late Henry Wilson was a consist ent teetotaler, and once gave at Wash ington a dinner without wine to W. E. Forster, now Chief Secretary for Ireland, and another member of Parliament who was also visiting this country. Among the other guests were one or two n\em bers of the Cabinet and several formgn" Ministers, Senators, Representatives, and journalists. Mr. Z. L. White records that he was among the early arrivals, and that Mr. Wilson Irew him aside add told him that he had ordered that no wine should be served. “I have told Mr. Wormley,” said the Vice President, “to prepare as good a dinner as he* could—to spare no expense—and to fur nish the finest brands of cigars, for I don’t want my English guests to think that parsimony has caused me to omit the wines,” and then he asked his guest j if he did not think he had done rightly. During this dinner it was remarked that there were thirteen at the table; and Mr. White adds: “Before the next winter Mr. Wilson himself lay, dead in the Capitol.” * The following Is placarded in the theater at Durango, Col.: “From and after this date all persons who wish to gain admittance to the auditorium of the Coliseum must leave their weapons at the front bar, where checks will be given for them.” HUMORS OF THE DAT. . When things go to D K how 0 D they B come. . Many a man who thinks himself a great gun is nothing more than a big bore. „ , “Keep cdol and you command every body, ” remarked St. Just. He stood m with an ice company. A boy who won’t try is like troth, because the boy won’t and tru won’t end ever, either, Morey men, of many minde. * Take to “ straddles ” and to “ bunds. Many fish come In to see; Matt j gull. th.r Pv. to be.^ As A rule book-keepers are ink-lined to be pensive. Will some one kindly tell us if a blushing seamstress is not a flushed sewer? “There is no disgrace in being poor,” we are told, and we’re howling glad of it, for there are enough other disadvan tages about it, without that one. M att> of Yonkers, ere we buss, tell me, will you make a fuss? —New York News. Man of Gotham, ere you risk your life, tell me, will you inform your wife?— Yonkers Gazette. A Richmond physician says that if people will take a bath in hot whisky and rock salt twice a year, they will es cape the rheumatism and colds. But wouldn’t that spoil the whisky? Disgusted man says: “Why doji’fc hotels find some substitute for the ever lasting beefsteak for breakfast?” Bless you, lots of ’em do. Cowhide is the favorite substitute. — Boston Post. Her name was Eva, and when Charles Augustus called the other evening and asked her to be his darling wifey, she gently thrust him from her and sweetly said: “Not this Eva. Some other Eva. Good Eva.” A Rhode Island clergyman was given permission to. sing “The Sweet Bye and Bye” in an insane asylum. Many pa tients were moved. So was the clergy man. A lunatic moved him clear down stairs. “Hi! where did you get them trous ers?” asked an Irishman of a man who happened to be passing with a remark ably short pair of trousers. “I got them where they grew,” was the indig nant reply. “Then, by my conscience,” said Pat, “you’ve pulled them a year too soon!” In Boston: Esthetic young lady— “By the way, Mr. Gosoftly, have you read Bascom’s ‘Science of Mind? ’ “N-n-naw. I’m not reading much now a-days. I pass my time in original thought.” Esthetic young lady (with much sympathy)—“How very dreary, to be sure.” It was their first night aboard the steamer. “At last,” he said tenderly, “we are all one, out upon the deep waters of the dark blue sea, and your heart will always beat for me as it has beat in the past?” “My heart's all right,” she answered languidly, “but my stomach feels awful.” “Prisoner, you are accused of having stolen the complainant’s pocket-book; do you plead guilty or not guilty?” ‘ ‘Guilty, your Honor.” “What was the motive that impelled you to commit the crime?” “I had a note coming due next day, and could not bear the thought ©f having my name dishonored!” — Figaro. When a husband becomes angry and swears before his family, he is not so much to blame; he doesn’t know how it sounds. His wife, really, is to blame she ought to swear, too, to let him hear how it sounds. Isn’t this sound logic?— Kentucky State Journal. Well, we’ll be—ahem—yes—that—is—we’ll be com pelled to say that it is.—Steubenville Herald. A Prosperous Section. We are reliably informed that in the section of our county known as Bull Swamp, proper, there is not a man within ten miles who gives a lien on his crop.. Farms are run on a cash basis or on the personal credit of the farmer without re sort to lien or mortgage on any property whatever. Asa natural consequence of this state of things improvements and progress are everywhere visible in fences, houses, fields, stock and home premises. The two races live and work in perfect accord, and colored laborers are not un frequently known to live for a series oi years in the employment of one man. In this way home comforts and values are accumulated until the prosperous laborer finds himself able to secure a home of his own. There is not a trial justice or a bar-room in the whole section nor will the citizens suffer oue of these nuisances to exist among them. There is no ne cessity for the the one and no patronage for the other. It is believed that the citizens of this favored section will pe tition the next General Assembly to pass a law prohibiting the sale of liquor en tirely. This is certainly an excellent record for Bull Swamp, financially, and morally.— Orangeburg (S , C.) Demo crat. Broom Corn. Broom com was introduced into this country by Dr. Franklin. He saw*a seed on a broom, planted it, and the seeds from this single plant were the beginning of broom oom as an American agricultural product. The credit of the broom-making industry is due to the Shakers, who, raising the plants in their gardens, manufactured the brooms and §q}(l them for 50 cents, or more, apiece. Immediately after the war, so great was the profit from its cultivation, that it was soon overdone, and the many who had rushed into the business were soon discouraged and abandoned it. Now it is cultivated in all parts of the country. ‘V r Salaries ©f British Ministers. The salary list of the British Govern ment shows the relative rank assigned to Washington as a diplomatic station by the European powers. The British Minister at Paris receives an annual sal ary of $50,000; at Vienna, $40,000; at Constantinople, $40,000; at St. Peters burg, $39,000 \ at Berlin, $35,000; at Pekin/ $30,000; at Madrid even, $27,- 000; while at Washington Sir Edward Thornton is obliged to live on $25,000 and a very considerable number of al lowances. In point of grade the Euro peans rank Washington practically with the missions to Brazil, to Japan, to the Hague and to Lisbon. Virtue has many preachers but few martyrs.