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HUMOROUS SKETCHES.
The Kind or Animal He Was.
“JTe'loa, Blumsly! You were specu¬
lating on Wall street, I hear."’
“Yes.”
“Were you a bull?”
”
“No.”
“A bear, then?”
i % No.”
“Oh, I see! A poor, shorn lamb?”
“Worse, sir. I was an ass!”— Call.
An Kmotional Nature.
Mrs. Peterby was busy cutting her
husband’s h:iir. Their little son Johnny
picked up some of the hair that was
scattered over the floor.
“Please, ma, mayn’t l have a lock of
papa’s hair. I want it ?o bad.”
“Yes, my child. Just see there,
George, what an affectionate little fel¬
low he is. That child has more heart
than any child of his age I ever saw. He
want6 to keep a lock of your hair as a
keepsake. He is the best boy in Texas.”
“What do you want the hair for,
Johnny?” asked Mr. Peterby. of
“I want to tie it on the tail my
hobbyhorse, his tail is too thin,” replied
the affectionate little creature. —Siftings.
Forgot The Teelh.
It was at a local restaurant. He had
ordered a beefsteak, lie waited. The
waiter did not wait, He came and went
and came and went, but the beefsteak
did not arrive. The guest called the
metooric individual.
“Have the cows come home yet?” he
asked.
The waiter gave a feeble smile—
waiters are very hard to reach with sar¬
casm.
“It’ll be here in a minute, sir, all
right.” The clock kept going all the He
same.
stopped him again. the part of it
“Tell tho cook I’ll take
that is done. I am not in a hurry, but
my wife will never believe this ia an ex
cuse for my staying out. all night.” brought.
At length tho beefsteak was
He began on it. It was like leather.
Once again he called the waiter.
“I say,are you sure you have forgotten
nothing?” brought everything
“No, sir; I’ve you
—a knife, a fork, two spoons, a plate—
no, sir.”
“Don’t you provide a set of teeth for
this beefsteak ?”—San Francisco Ohroni
cle.
lie Wm lielalncil.
“I have had trouble with one of my
nei STT3 hbors,” said a farmer yesterday after
he three flights of stairs to
interview n Griswold street lawyer.
“Exactly, sir, I suppose it is your mis
— ortune to live neighbor to a mean man. ”
“His cattle got into my field last
'
snrin". ”
“Did, eh 1 Well, we can take him for
damages, and you are sure of your case,
How many head and what shall we put
♦» 1 A "Well,“you .Inmfttrfls at?”
sec I got mad about it
and turned my hogs he into his’tater patch.”
“Aw! Can prove it?”
“Oh. I owned it right up, and we
agreed “Umph! to call Perhaps, matters square.” however,
we can
make out that you were temporarily make bar- in
sane and not in condition to
gains.”
“Oh, it isn't that, sir. Three days ago
one of my horses was killed.”
“Exactly.”
“The beast ran against tuy neighbor’s ‘
barbed wire fence.”
“I see. The fence w is a dangerous
obstruction. Your horse was in the high
"No, sir. He was in my neighbor's
field and tried to jump out."
“Umi”
“Can you take the case and make any
thing out of it?”
“H a-r-d l y. Hold on. I won’t agree
to secure you any damages for your
horse, but I’ll fix it so he can't co’lect
anything for his fence. That leaves you
with a tom hide worth and the proud
consciousness of having stood up for
vour rights like an American.”
The farmer laid down a $5 bill and the
lawyer was retained —Detroit Free Pres*
Fearful Summons.
“Mr. Smith, I called to see if I could
take your life. You see, I'm——”
“Wh-wh-d’you say?” exclaimed Smith,
in some alarm.
“I say that I’ve come around to take
your life. My name is Gunn, As soon
as I heard you were unprotected, that
you had nothing on your life, I thought
I would just run in and scitie it lor you
at once.”
Then Smith got up and went to the
other side of the table, and said to him
self: “It’s a lunatic who has broken out
oi the asylum. He’ll kill me if I holloo
or run. I must humor him.”
Then Gunn, fumbling in his pockets
after his mortality tables, followed Smith
around the room and said to him: “You
can choose your own plan, you know.
It’s immaterial to me. Some like one
way and some another ; it's a matter of
taste. Which one do you prefer?”
“I’d rather not die at all,” said Smith
in despair.
“But you’ve got to die, of course,”
said Gunn; “that's a thing there's no
choice about. All I can do is to make
death easy for you—to make you feel
happy as you go. Now, which plan will
you take?”
“Couldn’t you postpone if. until to¬
morrow, so as to give me time to think?”
“No, I prefer to take you on the spot.
I might as well doit now as at any other
time. You have a wife and children?”
“Yes, and I think you ought and to have
some consideration for them let me
off.”
“Well, that’s a curious sort of argu¬
ment,” said Gunn. “When I take you,
your family will be protected, of course. murder
“But why do you want to
me?”
• ‘Murder you!—murder you! Who’s
talking about murdering you?”
“Why, didn’t you say---”
“I called to get you to take out a life
insurance oolicy in our company, and
I ”
-
“Oh, you did, did you?” said Smith,
suddenly becoming fierce. “Well, I ain’t
a goin’ to do it, and I want you to skip
out of this, or I’ll brain you with a poker
—come, now, skip!” withdrew without
Then Mr. Gunn
selling a policy, and Smith is still unin¬
sured.— Chicago Ledger.
Soft She lls Protected by Hard Shells.
When a crab sheds its shell, which it
does once a month throughout the helpless >vaim
season, it is probxbly the most
creature inexistence, says a writer in
the New York Sun. It is merely a lump
oi dc icate, soft flesh, with boncicss legs
attached. It is as defenceless as a
naked oyster would bo. Any fish could
' seaspider sealiea could
eat it. Any or
nil kill it. if It If cannot / fl'innf move, move as as ns its sheath snc.un
less legs are unable to support its weight,
Where the water teems with fishes eager
to devour one auother, and where eels,
bloodly minded and ever hungry, cease
lessly beat their feeding ground in search
of food, it is surprising that ciabs are
not exterminated. They would be if it
were not for a most marvelous provision
of nature. I am .old by truthful men
that when a crab turns Ins shell to .arge
for him that, though usually the most
unsocial and irritable of creatures, he
makes signals of distress. True to the
unwritten maritime law that governs
crab life, the first hardsell crab that sees
the plight that his brothe: is in hastens
tn him
Reassured by the protective presence
of his relative, the crab that Has out
grown his clothes cunningly shucks him
self out of them. This operation is
watched with great interest and con
siderable excitement by the hard
shelled crab. When completed so before that
the crab lies unclad and helpless would
him, he does not eat him, as one
expect such a gross-grained and selfish
creature to do. lie waits until the solt
crab has tucked his unprotected claws, legs though un
der him and folded his as
prayerfully beseeching .he Divin..protec
tion, and then he relative. gently gets He on carefully top ot
his defenceless
places his Ion» legs under him, and hugs
him lightly and lovingly to his breast.
The hardshelled crab stands, or rather
lies, on his post of duty staunchly.
When on guard, he will resolutely face
anyth ng that swims in the water, and
fight with reckless courage. Eee.s, fish,
anything and everything that swoops
around the softshell crab will be fiercely
attacked by the pop eyed, bad-tempered seldom
sentinel that is on duty. It is
that he will desert his post in the pres
ence of man. When a softshe led crab
jg taken in the net, his protector is
o-enerallv secured also. If undisturbed
bv man they do not leave their helpless
comrade comraue until uuui his u shell is suthe;ently
hard to enable him to puweet nm^etr,
which is generally in from three to four
days. _
An unclaimed postal card is not re¬
turned to the writer, even though his
address is given upon it, but is sent to
the dead letter office.
•’THATTHKY (From CltCSS Nai u'ille ATTIIE1RPERIL/* Banner.)
All Nashville people are by this time fa¬
miliar with the warning “notice” on the old
bridge which crosses the Cumberland to East
Nashville. It reads:
* WARNING! *
: This Bridge is Deemed Unsafe! ;
I All Persons are Warned that :
: they Cross at their Peril! :
»• • ••■•*• •••• •••• - • *• **»•#••• •••••••••••!£
It does indeed seem a perilous proceeding
to cross that bridge. The street cars have
long ago been withdrawn from it, and it has
been left to pedestrians and to such vehicles
and animals as are taken by their owners
across the risky passage. Its curves are very
Efi culiar; and it has a shackling and sham
ins so DDearance. as if it might be trying to
c fall to pieces now
or to wait till the completion of the new struc¬
ture wnich is to take its place. A policeman
on duty recently remarked to one of our cor¬
respondents who risked his life in walking
across this venerable bridge, “ ’Taint; no
more dangerous now than it has been for a
good while.”
What the matter with the bridge is, that it
is “weak in the back,” just as a great many
weary and worn-out people are. It has been
doing duty so long without refreshment or
bracing up, that it feels as if it were about
to die. It has a discouraged look, as if sorry
its time for dissolution has not yet come.
Well, as everybody knows, the work and on the
fore new bridge is while progressing the old briskly, “must go.” be¬ To
build a great bridge take one the of old
a new to place an
one is a work which the builders and en¬
gineers perfectly understand. To repair the
worn-out human system when it is “weak in
the back” and debilitated and dilapidated, is
a work requiring a different kind of skill, and
different ways Hindoos, of proceeding. people become
Among the when
so “weak in the back” that they seem likely
to be of no further use, their relations take
them to the banks of the river Ganges, stuff
their mouths with mud, and let them die.
We can do better in this country. We restore
such people by a well-known and very popu¬
lar something which is put into their mouths
for the purpose of renewing their wasted
strength and of bringing them to new health
and vigor. It does its work, too, and their
lives are prolonged for further usefulness.
Among many of the Nashville people on
whom our correspondent called, in gathering
information as to the building up of the weary
and the renewing of those who were suffer¬
ing from the weakness produced of by the over¬ well
work, was Mr. B. J. Farrar,
known real estate firm of Arrington, Farrar
& Weakly, 35)g North College street. Mr.
“How about that old dyspepsia of yours,
Mr . Farrar—indigestion, debility, and all
that sort of thing? No, surely they must be
w™ mistake; you look well and hearty.
“It was, indeed,” said Mr. Farrar. “I was
troubled with iudigestion, dyspepsia and gen -
eral debility. I was not exactly laid aside
from work, for I dragged myself to my duty
with a constant feeling of weariness and of
good . for . nothingness . I was also greatly
yexed with costiveness, much of which prob
ably arose from my sedentary habits. You
want to know how I got well. I answer that
half a dozen bottles of Brown’s Iron Bitters
^erfwhenl the heat of the w°as™ery weather much^un^own^alJd bad contributed its
share toward reducing me, I began taking
this tonic, which was recommended by ray
Ss JUSTCB
ec i it with remarkably good effect. The
effect on me proved quite as good as it had
been on them. It built up my system, grad
ually, but surely It gave me such strength
“oyS^ffoostiveiieSfaidnSJa the function
0 f digestive organs natural and regu
lar.
‘‘I was §o well pleased with what Brown’s
po or ly. Her system needed building up. She
had lost flesh and strength, and was much
rundown. On taking the medicine she soon
began to gain. It did for her all com ex
hav0 spo ken of this Bitters to many
friends, and I believe it has done them good,
It is a very superior tonic.”
Perbapsitmaybedelightfultosomepeo
partiru
larlym prospect of tumbling “deemed to pieces, unsafe.” like
the old bridge which is from that condi
But to bring the system up
*- S gS
f trength, health and vigor, there is no tonic
go safe, so efficient, so delightful as Brown’s
Iron Bitters. The immense popularity of
tM. ^ h “V tl 1® K° p i e “ p ffi
thishwbata tew said whom we know gladly
say about its worth.
Mr. P. H. Cason, Santafee, Fla., says: Two
bottles of Brown’s Iron Bitters cured me of
from which 1 suffered for
Miss Mamie q, Erson, Union, S. C., says:
For a long time I suffered from general debil
ity-took Brown's Iron Bitters and am on
thth^vozAU, beal^agam. ,
j iave taken Brown’s Iron Bitters and fre
quently prescribe it in my practice.
Seneca: Enjoy present pleasures in such a
way as not to injure future ones.
lengthy ^ J advertisement is necessary to
bolster u Dr Sage's Catarrh
Good company and good conversation are the
very sinews of virtue.
Piso’s remedy liquid for Catarrh is agreeable to use.
It is not & or a snuff. 50c.
essentially . injured, . ,
Your character cannot he
except by your own acts.
“He who is false to present duty,” thread say» ia
Henry Ward Beecher, ‘-breaks a
the loom, and will find the flaw when he may
have forgotten the cause.” A case in Jeffer¬ poinl
occurs to us. Mr. N. Wm. Y., Ryder, recently of 87 told
son street, Buffalo, had large abscess a each re¬
porter that, “I a on
leg, that kept continually discharging for
twenty years. Nothing did me any Discovery.’ good ex¬
cept Dr. Pierce's ‘Golden Medical
It cured me.” Here is a volume expressed in
a few words. Mr. Ryder’s experience is en
titled to our readers’ careful consideration.—
The Sun.
The best way to accumulate property is to
buy when others want to sell, an d to sell when
others want to buy.
Mensman’s Peptonized beef tonio, the onlt
preparation of beef containing its entire nutri¬
tious properties. It contains blood-making,
force generating and life-sustaining properties;
invaluable for indigestion, dyspepsia, nervous
prostration, also, in all and all forms of general debility;
enfeebled conditions, whether the
result of exhaustion, nervous prostration, over¬
work or acute disease, particularly if resulting
from pulmonary complaints. Caswell, Hazard &
Co ., Proprietors, New York. Sold by druggists.
It seems a little singular that a man’s face if
generally the longest when he himself is the
‘‘shortest.’’
One pair of boots can be saved every yew
by using Lyon’s Patent Metallic Heel Stiffener*.
It will cost $500,000,000 to complete the
Panama canal.
An Item of Interest. —“Beeson’s Aromatic
Alum Sulphur Soap prevents, cures and heal*
skin diseases, softens and beautifies face and
hands. 25c. by Druggists, or by maiL Addres#
Wm. Dreydoppel, Philadelphia, Pa.
Conversation:—The idle man’s business and
the business man’s recreation.
Pile Tmnars. degenerate
neglected or badly treated, often
into cancer. The worst permanently pile tumors cured are with¬ pain*
lessly, speedily and
out knife, methods. caustic or Pamphlet salve, by and our reference* new ana
improved in stamps. World’s Dispensary Med¬
10 cents Main Buffalo,
ical Association, 663 Street,
N. Y.
If & man falls down, can he be said to act
from a fell purpose?_
Important.
When joa. visit or leave New York city, save bare***, Grand
expreseage and $3 carriage hire, aid stop at the
Union Hotel, opposite Grand Central depot.
600 elegant rooms, fitted up at a cost of one million
dollars, $1 and upward per day. European plan. Ele¬
vator. Restaurant supplied with the best. Horse ears,
stages and elevated railroads to all depots. Families
can live better for less money at the Grand Union
H ote i than at anv other first-class hotel in the city.
When you retire to bed, think over what yon
have been doing through the day.
Scrofula of Lungs.
I am now 40 years old, and have suffered for the
last fifteen years with a lung trouble. I have this spent dis
thousands of dollars to arrest the march of
ease: but temporary relief was all that I ohtainea.
I was unlit for any manual labor for 8ever J l ,y®5ni:
c
greatly be-nefltted by its use in some lung troublea
I resolved to try it. The results are remarkable. Ml
cough has left pounds me. my strength than I has r 5. did t “ r In “ e my ®' Ilf* J
weigh sixty more ever ofas
It has been three years since I stopped the use
medicine, but I have had no return of the dlsejaa
and there are no pains or weakness felt in myltmga.
I do the hardest kind of work. T. J. HOLT.
Montgomery, Ala., June 25, 1885.
Swift’s Specific is entirely vegetable. Treatise on
Blood and Skin Diseases mailed tree. _
The Swift Specific Co. # Drawer 3, Atlanta, , Ga.,
or 157 W. 23d St., N. Y.______
a m iiBlI HABIT. Sure cure tn 10 to
30 days.^Sanitarium treatmen^
PATENTS Obtained. Send stamp fat
Inventors' Guide. L. Bar#*
baii . Patent Lawyer. Washington. D. 0. —.
G has taken the lead la ot
the sales of that class
4 W Curtain N almost remedies, universal and has satisfac¬ givea
T \ TO i DATS.
m tion,
lOuaraeteed not te MURPHY BROS,,/'
’ cause Strloture
Paris, T09 of
Mf d oaly by the G has won the favor
Ztjm Chemical the public and now ranks
k Co. among the leading Medi¬
Cincinnati,B cines of the oildom.
Ohio. 1 A. L. SMITH.
Bradford, Pa.
lOIIUII Grind your own Bono,
jA|oKAH MeeL ©y»t«r Sheila* Cori
^(F^Sniwn’o A>I Flonr^aod
Patent). lOO pootj per
■" ~ cent- more made In keeping
|®kl> , MIlIS7 V C**alare I «dTe. , Smon^?eS P»j
on application. WILSOX BROS., Jteaten,
Face, Hondo, Feet, and all their im¬
perfections, including Facial Develop¬
ment, Superfluous Hair, Moles, Warts, Bl’k
Moth, Freckles, Red Nose. Acne, treatment.
Heads, Scars. Pitting A their
Dr. John Woodburv, 3f N.PearlSt., Alba
W.R-Y. Est’b d 1870. Send 10c. for book.
A Dll' Dili ACCCD Urrctls fo introduce them, we will
GIVE AWAY 1,000 Self
Operating Washing Machines. If yon want one
send u»your name, P. O., ard express office at
onoe. The National Co.. .'5 DEYST.. N. Y.
THURSTON’S Kl TOOTflPOWD
Keeping Teeth Perfect an d fl s Health;
AGENTS ISdBi tr» i,, 8 .’ tM SrF aril?jS
bles * co.. »sp«ci»itT. Pub*.. very U*in sW, bticm. Richmond, b f. johnsoV v».
1013
Pensions m to soldiers * Heirs. Oendotam#
opiumMs^s Raccoon, Mink, bought for caA l Z
O i^at KUNK, Muskrat, Send for circular, giving fnB
highest E. prices. C. Boughton, 44 Bond St., New \
particular -
s.
Jw Iw . aim ^ day to live agent*. Terms free. Sax
#»v 15c. A direst Box TS. Buchanan,