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The Gainesville Eagle. Published Every Friday Morning. BY REDWINE & HAM. The Official Organ of Hall, Banka, Towne, Rabun, Union and Dawson countiea, and the city j>t Gainesville. Hu a large general circulation in twelve other counties in Northeast Georgia, and three counties in Western North Carotins. A.dvorti«ing Rates. In accordance with the recent act of the general assembly regulating the prices of legal advebtis ijto, the charges will hereafter be seventy-five cents per hundred words or fraction thereof each inser tion for the first four insertions, and thirty-five cents for each subsequent insertion. At these rates advertisements noted below will cost as follows: Sheriffs' sales (100 words or less) $3 00 Over 100 words, K cent per word each insertion. Executors’, administrators’ and guardians' sales, same as above. Notice to debtors and creditors (100 words or l e8g ) 300 Citations, ail kinds (100 words or lees) 3 00 Notices for dismission, leave to sell, etc., same as above. Estray notices (100 words or less) 3 < 0 JKT The law authorises county officers to collect advertising fees in advance, and we hold the officers responsible for all advertising sent us. Notices of ordinaries calling attention of ad ministrators, executors and guardians to making their annual returns; and of sheriffs calling atten tion to section 3049 of the Code, published free for officers who patronize the Eagle. O* Transient advertising, other than legal no tices, will be charged |1 per inch for the first, and fifty cents for each subsequent insertion. Adver tisers desiring large space for a longer time than one month, will receive a liberal deduction from regular rates. *ll bills are due upon the first appearance of the advertisement, unless there is a special con tract to the contrary, and will be presented at the pleasure of the proprietors. Advertisements sent In without instructions will be published until or dered out, and charged for accordingly. Transient advertisements from unknown parties must be paid for in advance. Address all orders and remittances to REDWINE * HAM, Gainesville, Ga. EDITORIAL. EAGLETS. . Congress met last Monday. Our Washington letter is non est this week. Texas has adopted the Mo fie t register. Let her ring. Jack Frost will settle down to business in a day or two. Grant is to be gotten out of the way by making him president of the Nicarauguan canal. Hill and Vance are making it very lively for the Louisiana radicals with their investigating committee. Ben Butler can be elected to con gress regularly, but somehow he can not make the trip for governor. Another presidential candidate is shelved. The New York Sun has it on the best authority that Horatio Seymour will not accept the nomina tion. And now it is stated that the Eastern manufactures have decided to advance, the wages of operatives fifteen per cent, on what they have been since April, 1878. The women of Frederickton, Ohio, last week bounced a liquor seller. They invaded his premises, poured out his liquors, and smashed things generally. A rather muscular re form. —♦ Judge Beman was appointed Uni ted States senator to fill Zach Chan dler’s vacancy, but refused to accept. As Hanleiter would say, there are few who could Beman enough to do such a thing. Vanderbilt sold $2,000,000 of New York Central Railroad stock in one lump the other day. We sold a sub scription to the Eagle on the same day. Altogether it was a pretty fair day for heavy financial transac tions. Politics, or the whiskey, one or both, must be very bad in Maine. This is the way one editor alludes to another: “The pauper drunkard who runs the Portland Press has capsized his slush bucket and befouled him self all over again.” Quite a row is going on between the post office department and the lottery men. The postmaster gen eral has stopped the letters of the lottery men, and the latter deny his right to do so. The matter has gone into the courts. The president has lectured some Virginia republicans for voting with the democratic readjusters, and the republicans aforesaid say that Mr. Hayes has never helped the party in the south and request him to attend to his own business. The Sultan of Turkey is being treated pretty much like any other man. Being unable to settle his lit tle bills, his grocers have stopped furnishing him with supplies. The Sublime Porte will have to take a homestead if this sort of thing con tinues. The New York Times (Rep.) com mends the “independent-democratic movement in Georgia” to the watch ful care and affection of southern re publicans, and seems to believe that the votes controlled by this inde pendent faction can be polled for Grant next year. Mr. Longfellow has had presented to him an iron pen made from a fet ter of Bounivard, the Prisoner of Chilion; the handle of wood from the frigate, “Constitution,” and bounded with a circlet of gold, inset with three precious stones from Si beria, Ceylon and Maine. The Philadelphia Times says: There’s just one thing wanted now to give the Grant boom its grandest boost. If Jeff Davis would only say that the election of Grant to a third term would be the death knell of free government, the ex-officehold ers could sit down and wait for 1881 with confidence. Go for him, boys! ity OD The GaiNEsville Eagle VOL. Xi IL A FIERY ORDEAL. RY W, 1. “Marry him, if you will. No daughter of mine shall have it in her power to say that she was compelled to run from her father’s home; but remember, after the ceremony is per formed, and you leave my house on your husband's arm, never appeal to me for help of any kind, for, by the heavens above, as you sow so shall you reap.” These were the words, tremblingly uttered, Madge repeated to me as we walked through the park together, her little hand resting on my arm. I gave it a confiding little squeeze, despite its dainty glove, as she con cluded. “Well, darling, it is not so dread ful, after all. If you are willing to forego luxury and wealth for a poor man’s home and hearth, we will try and never put your father to the test of making good his word. He prom ises to give you to me, even though he feels your taste has been so rep rehensible, and that is that great point gained, after all. Tell me, Madge, as the time draws near, do you hesitate? Do not fear to speak frankly. You know how small a sal ary I possess, how few of the luxuries you have hitherto thought necessities I can give you, how different must be your future from your past. Is the sacrifice too great ?” “Hush, Roy!” she answered, “Have we not talked this all over be fore? Do you not know how wholly lam yours, that you should thus doubt me ? But it seems so cruel that papa should be so hard and stern to his only child.” “My darling, I exclaimed, “it is because you are his only one that be is bo —because his hopes and ambi tions for y m were commensurate with his love —because your beauty would have graced any home in this land—that I seem to him a thief who has stolen his most precious treasure, to hide it under a bushel.” “Stolen!” she echoed, smiling through her tears. “If the plunder creeps into the thief’s pocket, be is surely not to be blamed for walking off with it.” So the day was set for our wed ding. It was a grand affair, as befit the marriage of the daughter of the senior member of the firm of Mil burn & Co., but before the ceremony my father-in-law-to-be took the pre caution to repeat his warning and decision— “ Remember, not a penny, sir, either now or at my death. You have stolen my child—you must abide the issue.” “I am no fortune-hunter, Mr. Mil burn,” I replied. “Madge and I are, it is true, to begin life, but we do not fear, since we are together. Our home will be very bumble, sir, but you will always find in it a welcome.” “I shall never darken its doors, Mr. Leighton. Good morning.” A few hours afterwards, as the sa cred question, “Who giveth this woman to be married to this ?” the stern, white-haired old man placed Maggie’s little trembling hand in mine, and as my Ange'S closed on it I knew that henceforth I was its sole protection. ’Mid flowers, and light, and fra grance, my darling, in her white sat in robes, with diamonds gleaming at her throat and in her ears —her dead mother’s legacy — walked bravely down the long aisle, leaning upon my arm Then followed lip congratulations from many friends, who turned away to wonder at her choiie, until the hour came when I could tear her from them all. For a few weeks we wandered at will, here, there and everywhere; then we returned to the hone I bad pro vided for my wife, M; heart sank as we entered the two rooms which hereafter were to be otr castle. I had made them as pretty as I could, but I knew of the contrast which must strike her. But, if so, she gave no sign. She moved about like a child, putting little skillful touches here and thero, until every thing seemed transfoimed into sud den beauty. How can I tell of the happy days, gliding into weeks andmonths,which followed ? True to his word, my wife’s father never hid crossed our threshold. She had written to him once, but his reply bad been so harsh that she had burst into bitter weeping, and would have destroyed it ere I could read it, but that I snatched from the flames to which she bad condemned it. “When you desire to return to your father’s house as you left it acknowledging your wrong, I confessing your mistake, and re nouncing forever the man who has entailed all this misery upon you— then, and not until then, will I ac knowledge yoa as a daughter.’’ I made her promise me, as I held her tightly pressed to my heart, while I kissed away her tears and watched the fire consume the cruel words, that she would make no further attempt at reconciliation, while I struggled to keep back the curse that trembled on my lips. I had saved little from my salary; nor was it a large one. It had been, perhaps, a rash thing to take my darling from her luxurious home to struggle on upoo it; but I let her see as little of the struggle as might be, and worked bravely on towards a fu ture and success. Like a thunderbolt th end came. I had always been a favorite with my employers. My ambition was to one day become a member of the firm; but, after I had been two months married, its senior partner summoned me into his office, and, refusing all explanation, informed me, handing me a liberal instalment of my salary in advance, that my services would be no longer needed. For two long hours I walked the streets before I dared trust my elf with this new, horrible secret before my wife. Day after day, I left her in the morning at the usual hour, and spent the long, weary hours in searching GAINESVILLE, GA., FRIDAY MORNING. DECEMBER 5, 1879. for a position, only to meet with bit ter disappointments and refusals. I understood later why so many doors were closed against me which I thought would have opened 1 at my appeal, as I also learned to whose hand I owed the situation in which I stood But one night, as I came home weary and discouraged, Madge stole to my side and nestled there. “What is it, dear, that is troubling you? Do not keep it from me; I must know.” Then I discovered how poorly I had kept my secret; but at her words it burst its bonds, and I told her of the useless search of weeks, after my strange and sudden dismissal from the firm, She grew very pale when I had finished—so pale that I re proached myself for letting her share my burden, but she only murmured words of love and cheer, mingled with her kisses. One morning there came to me an envelope addressed ia an unknown hand. It contained a prospectus of a scheme for emigration, with a brilliant future promised in a far dis tant land. Somehow the thought haunted me, until I determined to see and talk with the instigators of the plan. To my surprise, they of fered me inducements to join them which it seemed madness to discard; and yet could I ask my wife to share a lot which might entail both hard ship and privation ? The vessel was to sail the following week. Within three days they must have an answer. When I reached home, worn with excitement and fa tigue, my rooms were dark, empty and cheerless. For the first time the door had not flown open at my step, nor did the little wife spring to meet me. Trembling with a nameless fear, I struck a light. A cold weight was resting upon my heart, when sudden ly I saw upon the table an envelope addressed to me, in my wife’s hand. Eagerly I tore it open. The enclos ure ran: “Forgive me, but I could bear it no longer. I have accepted my fa ther’s terms, and returned to my fa ther s home. The responsibility was killing you, the suffering me. I tried to hide it, but you must have seen it. Forgive me, Roy, and forget me. “Madge.” Through the long hours of that night I paced my room, holding the letter crushed in my hand. Once I drew my pistol from its case, and stood with its cold muzzle pressed against my temple; but Madge’s voice even in that bitter hour seemed to call me, and yet had power t > make me dash the pistol to the ground though I cursed her and her heart lessness. Only that morning she had smiled* ; nto my face—only that morning clung about my neck with fervent words of love, and comfort, and hope —and all the time this purpose had been in her mind. It could not be. It was a wicked, cruel deception. When day dawned I sat down and wrote to her in burn ing words, imploring her to return to me, if but to receive one last kiss ere I sailed. My messenger returned, saying the lady said it was best to send no an swer. She was glad I had deter mined on this plan. In another week I was on the broad seas, a hopeless, wretched man. Yet, on sea or land, I strove in vain far forgetfulness. The dull weight of agony never lifted i: self from my heart—the memory of my wife was ever with me. Now that life was barren, desolate, with no hope nor future, all pros pered with me. Yet for five long years I struggled on, letting the wealth amass which now availed me nothing. Then a strange homesick ness took possession of me. The days and nights of that long journey homewards seemed endless, the ship’s ceaseless noise to burn into my very brain, until at last I heard the cry of “Land 1” and knew that it was ended. For the first time I rejoiced in my wealth, as I stood at Mr. Milburn’s door, and sought admission. At least, my motive would not be mis understood. The man servent ushered me into the parlor, while, in the room be yond, I caught a glimpse of a lady in deep mourning robes, and by her side a little child. My heart beat fast and heavily. The memory of my bitter wrongs seemed swept away in that glimpse of Eden. The next moment I grew cold and stern, as that tall, slender figure rose, and came forward to meet the stran ger the servent said awated her. All the old grace was there, ming led with a new sadness of expression on the beautiful face, as she advanc de, until her eyes rested on me, when, with both hands outstretched, and a low cry of “Roy!” she tottered forward and fell at my feet. I called no help, and myself restor ed her to consciousness. “Why—why did you leave me? ’ she moaned, when her eyes at last unclosed, and the iittle one, calling “Mamma!’’ threw his arm about her neck. Then I lifted my boy into my em brace, ere I dared answer. “Leave you?” I said, struggling for calm. “Did I not come home to find it desolate, forsaken? Ask no ques tions! Answer mine!” With wild, bewildered eyes she looked into my face, and then, oh, heaven! with five years of our lives swept away, told me th« truth! After I had left her that day a note had come from her father, sum moning her to his sickbed. She bad obeyed, expecting to return ere I did. He had feigned a severe illness, and begged her so persistently not to leave him, that, feeling it her duty to stay, and hoping to soften him, she had despatched a note to me to that effect. Needless to state, the forgery I re ceived had been substituted. Fool that I had been not to have suspected itl Each day she had written to me, each day her notes had been intercep ted, until she was at last permitted to return to her borne —her father having assured her of his forgiveness —to find it deserted. She had been told I had deserted her, abandoned her, weary of my fight with poverty,- and my name shown her among the list of emigrant passengers. 1 For months she hovered between life and death, and only the baby boy, who she said looked at her with hia father’s eyes, and who bore his father’s name, gave her strength to love and to ‘pray for the hour, whi had come at last. “And your father did thief” I questioned, at last, when I had held her once more more in my arms, and measured her-suffering by my owi. “The man who hears the relation ship to you that I do to this little child, who—ah, how plainly I now see it!—took from me the position I held, deprived me of all hope of gaining another by closing every door against me, threw into my way the trap which should secure my absence, made his only child a widow, and all because I was poor-—in the way his of ambition and his pride! Te 1 me, Madge, why shall I not heap curses on his head?’’ For answer, my wife pointed to her dress of deepest black. “He died very suddenly but a few days go,” she said, in a bitter burst of weeping. ‘*lHe tried so hard to say something at the last, but he was brought home speechless, and I could only catch the word, “For give!” Roy, darling, in this hour, when, pray heaven, the future stretches before us as atonement ■ for the past, you will not harden yonr heart to that last prayer; or, if not for my sake, or for his, for this little one, whom he had learned to love so well.” I had passed through the firery or deal; though I spoke noword, the kiss I stamped upon my baby’s brow carried the last drop of bitterness from my bursting heart, and gave my darling—the wife whom I had lost and found— the answer which she sought Mark Twain on Babies. At the banquet at the Palmer House, Chicago, to the members of the army of the Tennessee, the usual toasts were drunk and responded to in an able manner. Mark Twain re sponded to the toast of “The babies.’’ It was greeted on all sides with laughter. It was as follows: “The babies”—As they comfort us in our sorrow, let us not forget them in our festivities. [Laughter.] I like that. We haven’t all had the good fortune to be ladies [Laugh ter J We haven’t, all been general®] or poets or statesmen- But whurP toasts work down to babies, we stand on common ground, for we have all been there; we have all been babies. [Laughter and applause.] It is a shame that for thousands of years the world’s banquets have utterly ignored the baby as if he didn’t amount to anything. If you gentle men will stop and think a minute; if you will go back fifty or one hun dred years to your early married life [laughter], and contemplate first baby, you will remember th at he amounted to a good deal, and even something over. You soldiers, you all know when that little fellow ar rived at family headquarters, you had to hand in your resignation. [Laughter.] He took entire com mand. You became his lackey, his body-servant, and you had to stand around, too. He was not a com mander who made allowances for time, distance, weather or anything else. You had to execute his order whether it was possible or not [laugh ter] ; and there was only one form of marching in his manual of tactics, and that double-quick. He treated you with every sort of insolence and disrespect, and the bravest of you didn’t dare to say a word. You could face the death-storm of Donaldson and Vicksburg, and gave back blow for blow [applause]; but when he clawed your whiskers and pulled your hair and twisted your nose you had to take it. [Liughter.] When the thunders of war were sounding in your ears you set your face toward batteries and advanced with steady tread; but when he turned on the terrors of his war-whoops you ad vanced in another direction [laugh ter] —and mighty glad of the chance, too. When he called for soothing syrup, did you venture to throw out any side remarks about certain ser vice being unbecoming an officer and a general? [Laughter.] No, you got up and got it. If he ordered his pap-bottle, did you talk back ? No, you went to work and warmed it. You even descended so far in your menial office as to take sup at that warm, insipid stuff yourself to see if it was right—three parts water to one of milk, a touch of sugar to mod ify the colic and a drop of pepper mint to kill the immortal hiccough. I can taste it yet, [Roars of laugh ter] And how many things you learned as you went along. Senti mental young folks still take stock in that beautiful old saying, that when the baby smiles in his sleep it is be cause angels are whispering to him. Very pretty, but too thin. [Laugh ter,] Simply wind on the stomach. My friends, if the baby proposed to take a walk at his usual heur, 2:30 in the morning, didn’t you rise up promptly and remark with a mental addition which wouldn’t improve the Sunday school much, that it was the very thing ' ou were about to propose yourself? [Roars.] Oh, yes, you were under good discipline, and as you went fluttering up and down the room in your undress uniform, you not only prattled undignified baby talk, but you tuned up your martial voice and tried to sing “Rock a by, baby, in the tree top,’’ for instance. What a spectacle for the army of the Tennessee [roars of laughter], and what an affliction for the neighbors, too ! For it isn’t everybody within a mile around that likes military music ( at 3 o’clock in the morning, and when you had been keeping this sort of thing up two or three hours, and your little velvet had intimated that nothing suited him like exercise and noise, what did you say ? You sim ply went on till you dropped in the last ditch. [Great laughter ] The idea that a baby don’t amount to any thing! Why, one baby is just a house and front yard by itself. If one baby can’t furnish more business than you and your whole interior de partment can attend to, he is not en terprising. Irrepressible, brimful of lawless activity, do what you plea’e, yoa can’t make him stay on his res ervation. [Prolonged laughter,] Sufficient unto the day is one baby. As long as you are in your right mind, don’t you ever pray for twins. Yes, it was high time for the toast master to recognize the importance of babies. Think what is in store for the present crop. Fifty years hence we shall all be dead, I trust; and then this flag, if it still survives, and let us hope it may, will be floating over a republic numbering 200,000,000. According to the settled laws of in crease, our present schooner of state will have grown into a political levi athan Great Eastern, and the cradled babies of to-day will be on deck. Let them be well trained, for we are going to leave a big contract on their hands. [Applause'] Among the three or four million cradles now rooking in this land are some which the nation would preserve uges as sacred things if we could know which ones they are. In one of these cradles an un conscious Farragut of the future is at this moment teething. Tnink of it. And putting in the world of dead earnest, unutterable, but perfectly justifiable profanity over it, too. [Laughter.] In another a future renowned astronomer is blinking at the shining milky substance with but languid interest, the poor little chap, and wondering what is to become of him. In another a future great his torian is lying, and doubtless he will continue to lie till his earthly mission is ended. [Laughter ] In another a future pr. sident is busying himself with no profounder problem of state than that of what the mischief has become of his hair so early, and in mighty array in other cradles there are some 60,000 future office-seekers getting ready to furnish him the oc casion to grapple with that same old problem a second time. And still in one more cradle somewhere under the flag the future illustrious com mander-in-chief of the American armies is so little burdened with his approaching grandeurs and responsi billties as to be giving his whole stra tegic mind at this moment to trying to find out some way to get his own big-toe into his mouth. [Laughter,] A J UST REBUKE. 'Hvatblu'K Airtwsr'of a. Lawyer to an At torney who Had Jeered at His Infirm ity. The Kokoma Dispatch relates an incident that occurred in the court room during the recent term of the circuit court, which placed Mr. Mil ton Garrigus at the mercy of ESward T. Johnson, Eeq., of this city, afford ing Mr. Johnson an opportunity to administer to the Kokoma attorney a rebuke as severe as it was merited. Mr. Johnson is quite deaf, and the infirmity is so serious as to require the corstant use of an ear trumpet. The man Garrigus made the use of the trumpet the occasion for sundry vulgar flings and jeers. In his clos ing speech, Mr. Johnson referred to the matter as follows: Several times during the trial the gentleman has sneered contemptu ously at my infirmity, and at the un sightly ear-trumpet which it compels me to use. Mr. ear sir, if this trum pet is so distastiful to you, try to im agine how loathsome it is to me. I never look at it without a shudder. My hands never touche it that I do not struggle with the impulse to fling it from me as the most hideous thing on earth. Should you put that trum pet to your ear you would hear sounds that would make your eye balls start from their sockets. You would hear the heaving and tossing of the most dreadful billows of suffer ing that ever rolled across a human soul. You would hear groaning un utterable, denoting the agony, both physical and mental, through which I have pasted during the last five years. You would hear the fierce shock of a lofty ambition suddenly dethroned, and the tumbling and falling of crushed and ruined hopes. Try again, and you may hear the heart broken cry of a young father, as he strained his deaf ears in vain to catch the last whispered words of his dying child. Jesus Christ, blessed be His sacred name, often wept, but never jeered at the misfortunes of humanity. My friend, I know you did not mean what you said. The words came from your lips, not from your heart. And I now give your flings with this assurance: If the heavy hand of misfortune should ever be laid on you, stripping you of your splendid and perfect manhood, in all this wide world no heart will offer you more profound and sincere sympathy than mine. The Dispatch says: “When the last words fell from his lips there was scarcely a dry eye in the room. Sev eral of the jurors, great strong men, wept warm tears of sympathy for the injured man, and many of the law yers present cried with mingled joy and sorrow. Every face was blanched and a dead silence rested on the scene. Every heart present went out in tender sympathy to the unfortun ate man, whose infirmity was the cause of the brutal insult, and utter contempt for him who gave the cruel stab filled every breast. Mr. John son himself was visibly affected; he had been touched to the soul; but his words were not steeped iu gall, but tempered with forgiveness and deep hart. The scene was highly dramatic and deeply thrilling. Old lawyers who heard it declared that its like in force, in dramatic effect and scathing rebuke has never been before heard in our court house. Mr. Garrigus’ discourtesy and insult are unqualifiedly condemned by the entire bar of the city. The senti ments is unanimous that a similar in- fraction of common decency, not to say professional decorum, will result in the expulsion of the offender from practice in this court. Mr. Garrigus sat with ashen lips and heard the speech through, and wisely attemp ted no reply. He even failed to apol ogize to the wronged man. Such conduct on the part of a state sena tor and lawyer of some pretensions is utterly unpardonable, and writes him down as a man of course in stincts, and wanting in those finer sensibilites that mark the true gentle man. For the sake of the city’s repu tation, the Dispatch will desist from a further characterization in fit and merited terms of this breach of Mr. Garrigus’ professional conduct. His punishment hae already been severe. The lesson should not be lost on the bar. A Heartless Imposture. He didn’t enter the village in a forty-six horse band-wagon, or in any other high-toned, stylish way, but . came by Walker’s line. His raiment was not of the kind that could well be calculated to get away with the attire of Solomon in all his glory; and his countenance didn’t impress the public deeply as a sign of a soul uplifted, He walked into a saloon, and announced that he had the colic. “Drug store three doors up— doctor on the corner.’’ was the un feeling reply of the first assistant en gineer. He wasn’t disconcerted. He gazed around for a minute or so, and then addressed a group of young men who were seriously engaged in a pastime which they called “Califor nia Jack.” “Gentlemen,” said he, “perhaps you would oblige a stranger with a little information. I’m here in search of an engagement. Perhaps you might put me on to one. I am, sirs, the world-famed Professor Veribeeri, late of the Strikeout Opera Company—first tenor of that ilk, gentlemen.” Then h*e folded his arms like a statute of Napoleon, and frowned haughtily. One of the young men, who had just got out, took him by the arm and led him aside. “You say you are a boss singist? ’ he asked anxiously. The professor cleared his throat, and began to show symptoms of an exhibition of his powers. “No, no,” said the young mao, hastily, “I’ll take your word for it. Now, see here, I want something in your line, and if you will do it I'll pay you well. I suppose you may be willing to accept a five dollar job, eh?” “Yes, sir,’’ said the professor, as I fear my letters to the bank have mis carried, I —ah—just at present—’’ “I see —exactly. Well, when you was coming up the street you must have noticed that large white house with eagles on the gate-pos s ? Yes. Very well. My girl lites there, you know, and I’d like to serenade her; but I ain’t on the sing myself. If you could go around to night and touch up your harmony on the front gallery, I’d fix it all right with the servant girl to slip out and hand you a V for your trouble. What do you say ?’’ “My dear sir,” said the professor, “I shall oblige you most gladly.” “Thm here’s four bits to run you till night. Good-by see you to-mor row.” It was midnight when the profes sor opened out before the large white house. He was somewhat far gone in “booze,” as he had invested his dalf-dollar entirely in that article, and his ideas of serenade music were not in good working order. He went in on that ancient lyric: “In the Green Mountings there did dwell A loveli youth—l knowed him well— “Old Deacon Jones’ eldest son, And skeerceli turned of twenti one. “One day this nice young man did go—” And finished the ballad with due mournfulness of expression. Then he sang several more songs, and be gan to wonder why the servant did not come with the money. “Guess that girl mus’ ’a’ pizened ’self,” said he. “Well, here goes again.” “But, as the first strains "Little Fraud” arose on the circumambient air, a passing citizen hailed him: “Sa-a-y, what yer yowlin’ about there ?” “Serenading the young lady, sir,” politely replied the professor. “Young lady! In your mind. Don’t you know that’s the court house ?” The professor folded his ears like the Arabbits and silently, etc.— New Orleans Times. Explainins a Joke. He came into the office modestly and shyly, as was befitting, and asked to see the man who put jokes in the paper. The joker was engaged in reading some verj exciting tales of trade and navigation returns, in or der to inform “An old Subscriber” how maay gallons of beeswax had been exported from the province of Prince Edward Island in the year 1871, and was consequently in a very hilarious mood The visitor took off his hat, mopped his forehead with a dirty handkerchief and placed before the newspaper map a scrap of paper on which was written: “When Sir Joseph Porter dies the company will be treated to half and half—Porter and bier.” The newpaoer man read it. looked up, and exclaimed, “What is it ail about ? “It’s just a little joke, you see.” “Ah ! I didn’t notice, I will read it again.” He reperused, and then asked— “ What is the joke ?’ “Why, the. play on words—a pun, you know—Porter and bier.” “Oh, ah, yes—Porter and bier. Well, did you ask Mr. Porter about this? Will he be pleased to see his name in the paper in that connec tion ?” ‘*Why, there is no such a person. Sir Joseph Porter is a character in ‘Pinafore.’” “Well,’* mused the newpaper man, "if there is no such person I don’t see bow he can die. A per;; wh>' don’t exist can’t die very successfully. Any attempt to kill a man who don’t exist must necessarily prove a fail ure. J'But you don’t understand,” ex plained the amateur joker. “Yon see the whole point is in the play on the two words—porter and bier. Porter and beer mixed is called half and half, Now you catch the idea, don’t you ?” “Well, I understand it so far. But where’s the joke ?” “Why, I explained—” “Yes; I know that you explained. You said porter and beer mixed is called half and half. But that kind of porter is not a man—it is a liquor, and anyhow, you don’t spell beer right;” “But that’s the point. You notice that the words hare different mean ings and the same sound. It is to bring out the different idea that the word itself conveys that I have tried-, and I flatter myself— ’’ “No, no,” interrupted the newspa per man, “not flatter.” Your gram mar is at fault. The joke is flat, not flatter." At this point some of the people in the sanctum interfered, and the ene my beat a graceful retreat without any casualties. —<. Gen. Grant and the Nicaraguan Canal. A Washington dispatch says: “Ad miral Arnmeti L-as received anothjr letter from General Grant in refer ence to the Nicaraguan canal. Gen eral Grant continues to show the greatest interest in the scheme, and mentions that he has received com munications on the subject from parties representing the French capi talists. General Grant wili have an interview in Pniladelphia, a few days before ho leaves for Mexico and Cu ba, with the representatives of both French and American capitalists, which, it is expected, will have an important bearing on the future prospects of the work General Grant, as bus stated, expects to sail for Cuba an Mexico on the. 20th of December His visit, hi minks, will occupy J-out three months From Mexico bi experts t<» return t. the United St*. «- through .slid will take ail the i-rr-cr. <• < f the south in bis tour through luat section.” The powers of a horse’s memory were illustrated at Rochester, N. Y , the other day, where the driver of a hook and ladder truck ti itd an exper iment. Three and a half y»-&rs ago the city sold a team of horses thai had been used for drawing the truck, and since then they have been em ployed in different work. The other day the driver took the horses into the truck-house and turned them loose, whereupon each went directly to his own stall and when a gong was sounded they ran out and took their accustomed positions at the tongue of the machine. An Arab who was quarrying stone at a place about four and a half miles 1 from Gaza, in Palestine, recently, unearthed a marble figure supposed to -be a colossal god of the Philis tines. The total height is fifteen feet. The hair hangs in long ringlets down upon the shoulders, and the beard is long, indicating a man of venerable age. There is no inscription on the figure or pedestal, which is a huge block carved in one piece with the figure. The statue was found in a recumbent position, buried in sand on the top of a hill near the sea. The Japanese government has charged Dr. E. Naumann, a son of the famous German mineralogist, with making a systematic geological survey of the empire. Sixty thou sand dollars annually has been grant ed for that purpose for twelve years. A “Geographical Society,” recently founded at Tokio, proposes to devote its energies more especially to the geography of Japan. Most, if not all, of its members are Japanese, among them being several high dig nitaries of state. “Teacher: “Now, boys, quadruped and biped, you know are two kinds of animals. Quadruped, animals with four legs, such as cow, ele phant, hors< , etc. Biped, animals with two legs, such as—well, ah . Yes there is a biped,” pointing to a picture of a goose on the wall, “and I am a biped, and you are all bipeds. Now what am I?” Pause. One of the bipeds—“A goose, sir.” How li‘tle the women of Boston the privilege accorded them of voting on matters concerning the schools, is shown by the tact that at the close of the books Tuesday night it was found that but about one thousand, all told, had registered And yet we are told that the Women’s Suffrage association is preparing for a formidable raid on congress this winter. The actual returns of the present year’s crops in the south, as far as known, are interring. The cotton yield is larger by half a million of bales than ever before in the days of slavery . The tobacco crop is greater by twelve million pounds than last year, and the produceion of sugar exceeds by two hundred thousand tjpgeheads that of 1878. ‘Beautiful Ven ce, pride of the sea,’ ; will soon be a mere common city, ' with streets and carriages replacing ( its picturesque gondolas and their beautiful water ways. Modern pro gress has tainted the unique city and every year adds a new street and fills up an old canal, and the glory of the winged lion is departing. He said he wanted her to be his helpmeet, and she replied that she could never be more than assister to him. SM ALL BITS or Varloni Kind, Carelek.ly Thrown Together. \ The dress circle—the belt, j A tight place—a bar room. A vain fowl—a weathercock. Woman’s writes—Postscripts. A pair off—An eloping couple. Barefooted boys begin to draw their toes in. Should laundresses strike while the iron is hot? The stove booUi is the Intent in do mestic circles. Even the bootblack says his busi ness is brightening up. The Peruvian army gets along without ambulances. A touching incident—A physician feeling a patient’s pulse. New York polio* stations are called “club houses’’ now. One of the cheapest thing; in the world is a pleasant smile. Adam was the first man who went in the go-as-you-please style. “A good workman is known by chips”—and so is a good poker player. The bi st thing m the long run— not honesty, but a good, stout pair of lungs. “When the swallows homeward fly," then the homeward fly is swal lowed. Women are archers by nature. The b<it of their inclinatieu is to bend beaux. A saw for the times; “No man should live beyond the means of his creditors.” When an Erie, Pa., man stops drinking his friends pronounce him a case of Erie-eip less. A cockney described falling in love as an insane desire to pay a young woman’s board. There is only one thing that is more terrible than to say a mean thing, and that is to do one. Somebody remarks that it is quite evident there are more liars than bal loons in this country. Women admire strength without seeking to imitate it; men, gentle ness, without bestowing it in re turn. A bust is less than a half length. When a man goes on a bust, how ever, he is apb to go his extreme iengths. A lie is like a counterfeit bill. It may pass through a great many ands, but it will be found out at iaSt. The demand for iron is now so brisk that a burglar who wants a “jimmy must leave his order a we: k in advance. The best lip salve is a kiss. This remedy should be used wi n caution, as it is liable to bring on an aff-ction of the heart. Good temper is like a sunny day; it sheds a brightness ovei everything; it is the sweetener of toil and the soother of disquietude. A man out West has invented a process of- making lumber out cf straw. If this thing keeps on we will soon be able to board for noth ing. “Gentleman: “I say, waiter, Ivo just cracked this egg. Look at is.” Waiter: “Don’t look very nice at that end, sir, I must say. Try the other.” How is it, asks the Albany Journal that trees can put on a new without opening their trunks? Be cause they leave out their summer clothing. A mob tarred and feathered a comic singer out West for eloping with another man’s wife. His mana ger bills him now as the “Great Feathered Songster.’’ A celebrated German chemist, to whom was addressed the question. “What is man ?” promptly replied, “A pinch of phosphorus and a buck etful of water.” The Rochester Express tells of a person who “was born, married and buried on the same day.” We never heard of any person being married as young as that. A New Hampshire farmer indorsed a SSOO note of hand for a neighbor under the idea that he was petition ing the town board to restrain hogs from running at large. A bad wife is a shackle on her hus band’s feet, a burden on his should ers, a palsy to uis hands, smoke to his ©yes, vinegar to his teeth, a thorn to his side, a dagger to his heart. It is said -there is one wife in Stamford, Conn., who honestly be lieves that her husband thinks just as much of h ras on the day they were married. He had to marry her or go to jail. Scotchman: “Here laddie. Tak this’ luggage tae the Waverley Ho tel, ye ken, and I’ll gie ye a bawbee tae yersel’. ’ Street boy: “Never! How’ll ye pay it ? All at once, or by installments ?’’ “Tom,” said a girl to her sweet heart, “you have been paying your distresses to me long enough. It is time you made known your conten tions, so as not to keep me in exp nse any longer.” It is against the law to carry con cealed arms, yet the Rome Sentinel says its nothing uncommon on moon light evenings to see young ladies with half-concealed arms around their necks. Florida holds are hunting the snakes from the bed-rooms, driving out the alligators from the dining rooms and dusting the centipedes from the closets, preparatory to re opening for the winter. A young man dressed in the height of fashion, and with a poetic turn of mind, was driving along a country road, and, upon gazing at the pond which skirted the highway, said, “Oh, how I would like to lave nJ heated head in those cooling waters! ’ An Irishman, overhearing the excla mation, immediately replied. “Bedad, you might lave it there acd wouldn’t eink.” NO. 48