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134 not imagine that a kitchen garden was ever intended as the hospital to cure all the “ ills that flesh is heir to. ” “ LIES LIKE TRUTH.” We regret to perceive the Electric Tele graph becoming so very sadly addicted to falsehood, that we never know when the fluid is speaking the truth. If the wires were the wires of a harp, they could scarcely represent such a ferocious lyre as the Electric Telegraph turns out to be. The old saying, “Between you, and me, and the post, l don’t believe a word of it,” is beginning to be strikingly ap plicable to what is going on between you (reader!) and me, and the posts of the Elec tric Telegraph. We may with justice say to the fluid, “ Illess me! how you do run on !” when we find it telling lies at the rate of hun dreds of miles in half a second. We think an action for libel would lie against the Tele graphic bar for impugning the fidelity of the Army, and we can only express our surprise that the wire, which seems generally pretty rigid in adhering to the straight line, should have allowed itself to fall into such very loose observations. * > OUR OWN ELECTRIC TELEGAPH. As we find our contemporaries are in the habit of producing immense effect by news manufactured expressly for them at the offices of the Electric Telepraph, we have some idea of establishing a little Electric Telegraph of our own, for the production of startling intel ligence. In order to give our readers an idea of the kind of article we should be enabled to furnish, sve beg leave to lay before them one or two specimens. Os course we should head our news in the usual manner, and the usual type, with the words BY ELECTRIC TELEGRAPH. A beadle has just galloped through Ken sington, on a donkey, with the report that the pump at Hammersmith is in flames, the spout torn out, and the handle in the hands of the Chprtists. The police are said to have been tampered with, and a Sergeant has been seen with a pint pot at his lips, drinking suc cess to the five, six, or as many points as the insurgents are willing to propose to him. A gentleman whom somebody has seen, and whom nobody knows, has arrived, out of breath and out of cash, at our office, with the announcement of his having been plundered by a mob, who, he says, are in possession of the capital ; but we have not been able to learn whether he alludes to the capital he had in his purse, or whether he uses the word capital with a more important meaning. He states—at a guinea a line—that the teeth have been torn out of the policemen’s rattles : that Pummell has been well pummelled ; that the charity-boys have been called out, but up on the master seeing them in the street, they were all called in again. The omnibus time keeper has lied—continues our breathless and cashless informant—Kensington runs with gore as far as Gore House, anil the omnibus es are being sent as barricades, to block up Fleet Street in the usual manner. THE WEAKNESS OF HUMAN-NA TURE. A young author wrote to his father a let ter of the best resolutions. Amongst other glowing promises, he said, “ I am tired of jok ing, and ashamed of punning. Light litera ture is to me now so heavy, that I am resolv ed no longer to support the burden. I am determined to go in for higher things.” The next week he went up in a balloon ! Alas! for the goodness of young men's in tentions !! OUR OWN ALARMING INTELLI GENCE. * Our penny-a-liners in the agricultural dis tricts tells us that drilling has been extensive ly practised in most of the English provinces, and that the ellbcts are beginning to show themselves in a general rising all over the country. As we, happily, never believe a word that our penny-a-liners write to us, we transmitted one of our confidential scouts (we keep fifty at a thousand a year each) to in quire into the truth of our Reporter’s reports, and we have ascertained that there has been a vast quantity of drilling (with reference to turnips,) and that the rising of the crops throughout the land is general. PRIZE CONUNDRUM. Q, What is the greatest abuse of all, that the country contains I A. Quack medicine. Because it is the most undoubted sine-cure ! §®® TF SHE IB El H, BIT gSA IE ¥ &A%HiV if Is ♦ £l)c tUorkinq illan. THE MECHANIC'S SATURDAY NIGHT. BY JOHN P. ELLIS. Oh ! sweet is the home of the toil worn Mechanic, When labor is hushed in the stillness of night: When the hum of commotion, disaster and panic, Is still as the stars in their orbit of light. But sweeter by far is the neat little mansion, Where o’erflowing boards in their industry speak ; When the sweat covered wages by widest expan sion, Replenish his stores at the close of the week. With plenty all smiling in natural splendor— With products of nature, delicious and sweet And the choicest of viands his earnings can ren der, All clustering high in his lowly retreat. How rich is the banquet —how great the profusion, How happy the man when his laborings cease ; When his efforts are yielding the greatest diffu sion, Os harmony, happiness, pleasure and peace. Oh ! bright is the hearth of the Workman at even, And kindly the feelings his bosom must know, When his generous heart in its fullness hath given The bread he has earned by the sweat of his brow. And how sweet is the scene of the family pleasure The holy affections they fondly retain ; When he clasps to his breast his own loving trea sure, And fondles his little ones over again. Ye spirits of mercy, look down on his dwelling, And guard his abode in the midst of alarm ; When the surges of poverty are frightfully swelling, Or frowns o’er his cottage adversity’s storm. Oh ! come like a pilot ot truth on the ocean, And guide his lone bark to the haven he’d seek ; And render his life in his country’s devotion, As sweet as his home at the close of the week. IMPROVING THE CONDITION OF THE LABORER. There is a great deal of mock philanthropy on this subject, which ought not to pass for more than it is worth—Men talk fluently about the education of the working-classes, the melioration of their physical circumstan ces, and the like, and often wind up with some highflown phrases about the dignity of labor, and the equal rights of man. At the same time, these very men are devoting all their energies to the support of a system, which must necessarily depress the laborer, and defraud him of his inherent rights. They are perfectly willing to pocket the avails of the poor man’s labor, but shudder at the thought of being obliged themselves to take part in his toil; they would as lief go to the luneral of a daughter or a sister as to see her a houshold drudge or a factory girl, but they are eloquent apostles of progressive democra cy, and no doubt, gain many votes, by their loud talk in favor of the rights of labor. But so long as labor is toilsome and repulsive as it now is, every body who can do so, will get rid of it, and of course, mnst be supported by the industry of another. Labor, must be so organized that it will be attractive to all, that all will engage in it, and that all will reap the fruits of their endeavors. Nature lias made physical existence a necessity, and under con genial circumstances a pleasure—She has al ways made a pair ot hands, where she has made a human stomach and brain. A man might as well be all stomach, all brain, as to think of living without the use of his hands. And what better use of the hands, than pro ductive industry,—industry that will feed the mouth, clothe the back, and provide the eye and ear with all the delights which they crave. Pljilosopljj) for tljc People. GRAVITATION OF ELECTRIC FLUID. Mr. Lake, ol the Royal Laboratory, Ports mouth, has communicated to the Lancet the results of a singular experiment, which ap pears to show that the electric agent is really fluid, and that when collected so as not to exert its powers of attraction and repulsion, it obeys the laws of gravitation like carbonic acid and other gases. The electric fluid was received in a Leyden jar insulated on a glass plate. At the lower part of the jar was a crack in the side of a star-like form, and from around this the metallic coating was removed. On charging the jar, it was observed that the electric fluid soon began to flow out in a stream from the lower opening; and on con tinuing the working of the machine, it flowed over the lip of the jar, descending in a faint luminous conical stream (visible only in the dark) until it reached the level of the outside coating, over which it became gradually dif fused, forming,, as it were, a frill, or collar.— W hen the jar was a little inclined on on^ side, there was a perceptible difference in the time of its escape over the higher and lower parts of the lip, from the latter of which it began to flow first. On discontinuing the working of the machine, the fluid first ceased to flow at the lip of the jar, and then at the lower aperture. On renewing the operation, it first re-appeared at the lower aperture, and afterwards at the mouth. This very ingenious experiment appears to establish the fact, that the electric fluid is material, and is influenced, under certain circumstances, by the laws of gravitation. Mr. Lake proposes for it the name of pyrogen ; but this is inconvenient, because it is already applied to certain chemi cal products.— Medical Gazette. WASH FOR BUILDINGS. Take six quarts of lime, and one quart of clean rock salt for each gallon of water —the salt to be dissolved by boiling, and the im purities to he skimmed off. To five gallons of this mixture (salt and lime) add one pound of alum; half a pound of copperas, three-four ths of a pound of potash (the last to be added gradually,) four quarts of fine sand, or hard wood ashes. Add coloring to suit the fancy. It should be applied with a brush. It looks as well as paint, and is as lasting as slate. It stops small leaks, prevents moss from grow ing, and renders the wood incombustible.— Ashes from a blacksmith’s forge will do as wel as copperas. Sulphate of copper will make a bluish color, and copperas a huff. I in I FLYING SEED. The pollen of plants, on examination with a microscope, is found to consist of small globules, or balloons, filled with hydrogen gas, and being thus lighter than air, they lloat about until they light upon other plants of the same species, which in a state of hy bradation, are covered with a glutinous sub stance that holds those balloons fast, and the action of the sun bursts them and they im pregnate the plant. i ■ > HOUSES OF UNBURNT BRICKS. Houses of unburnt bricks may be made per fectly wind and water proof by being covered externally with a thin coat of mastic which is prepared by mixing very coarse sharp sand or sifted road drift, with dry White Lead and Litharge, beaten up with Linseed oil, and rendered sufficiently soft to work well with a trowel, This plastering becomes in a short time so hard as to resist a nail, and will stand for an age without cracking or needing re pair. For inside plastering sharp sand and lime mortar is sufficient; papering the walls when dry. > M |, | VARNISH FOR WOOD PATTERNS. The most simple varnish, combined with adaptation, is the following :—1 quart of al cohol and a quarter of a pound of gum shel lac, this put into a bottle and when wanted for use mix up a little lamp black about the thickness of cream and varnish the pattern o ver, rubbing it into the grain of the wood, un til a slight friction produces a polish: this varnish serves two purposes, it makes a smooth j surface on the pattern, making it more easily ‘ drawn from the sand, and secondly fills up all j pores or worm holes that may be in the wood, consequently, a cleaner, smoother casting is produced. The tendency of rubbing patterns with oil and lamp-black is to open the grain and pores and produce those rough castings which require both labor and expense to pol- I ish. — Scientijic American . i ’jyjpjam “What a beautiful statute, I declare,” exclaimed Mrs. Partington, on beholding the j Greek Slave. “Poor thing, how bad she must i feel to be perched up on that pedal, to be stared at by everybody!” and the old lady was about to wipe a tear from the corner of her quiet eye, when she added, ” but la, it’s only a sculptur, and don't know any more ; than the graven image poor Mr. Partington j brought home from Yucatan, if it is more gen- ! teel.” JA gentleman praising the generosity i of his friend, observed that he spent money i like water.” -Then of course he liquidated his debts,’ rejoined a wag. B®* A damsel in Ayrshire, having two lov- | ers,[and not knowing which to prefer, settled j the matter by marrying one and immediately ! elopeing with the other. It is said that even the most honest girls in the North are in the habit of hooking each other's dresses? Horrible depravity. B®* “Friend, friend, said a newly arrived Irishman, holding a wasp between his fin gers, “what kind of a baste is this ? och, murther ! spake quick for he bites very hard. A Column Crectci) to fun. THERMOMETER AND THE RACES “ Bub, what are you fussing round with the thermometer for ?” lately inquired a farther of his hopeful heir, who was handling the in strument in question. “I want to find out about the heat, p a ,” replied the child, without glancing off the thermometer. “ But you've had time to discover the de grees; here it is ten minutes you’ve been look ing at it,” observed the indulgent sire, who trembled for the safety of the instrument. “ Well, I ain't looking after the heat of to day,” impatiently answered the boy. “I’m ) after for what Bill meant when he told me | he’d been to the races and seen a “three mile heat.” The papa put up the thermometer. CAPITAL PUN. . A friend at Cambridge, speaking of Dr. Gilman’s “ Dudleian Lecture on the Evidence of Revealed Religion,” delivered, not long since, at Harvard, says : “It was a splendid, cogent, scholarly dis course. In it the speaker alludes to the “Ves tiges of Creation,” and doubted the alleged production of winged insects from pulverized flint-stone by electricity, on the ground that the experiment had never been successfully repeated. “A witty law friend instantly whispered a ‘demurrer,” “for,” said he the “ the experiment has been made from time immemorial. Winged insects not pro luced from silicious stone! Why, the doctor’s beside himself. Always when the flint is struck by steel, it makes the fire-t\ y!” FREAKS OF GENIUS. “Kitty, where’s the frying pan?” “ Johnney’s got it, carting mud and clam shells up the alley with the cat for a horse.’ ’ u The dear little fellow, what a genius he will make: but go and get it. We’re going to have company, and must fry some lish for dinner.” < THE NEW FASHION. } “What’sthe news, to-day?” inquired Mrs. Moreland, dropping her spectacles, as her husband came in. “The reign of petticoats is over,” was the reply. “1 walked down Broadway to-day,” said Mr. M., “and didn’t see a lady who wore more than four.” “La! Mr. Moreland, how you talk!—do you mean to intimate that all the ladies are leaving oil* their petticoats ?” “Not all oi ’em, I hope—only about twelve : out of fifteen.” 1 i> BURKE DEFEATED AND PUT TO FLIGHT. Burke rose in the House with some papers in his hand, upon which he intended to make a motion, when a rough-hewn member started up and exclaimed, “ Mr. Speaker, I hope the : Honorable member does not intend to read , that large bundle of papers, and to bore us with a long speech into the bargain.” Mr. Burke was so suffocated with rage as to lose all utterance, and absolutely ran out of the house : upon which George Selwyn remark ed. it was the only time that e had seen the table realized—“A lion pul to death by the | braying of an ass.” THE ANTI-TAKING-BABIES-INTO - SOCIETY- A meeting of this highly respectable asso ciation was held at their rooms. Mr. Job Smith, a worthy and athletic bachelor, was called to the chair, and the usual quantity of vices and secretaries appointed. The com mittee appointed at a previous meeting, report ed the following as the principles of the So ciety 1. e consider the practice of taking in iants into public assemblies, concerts, &c., as an evu that cries aloud for remedy. 2. While we would not breathe the faintest reproach towards the highly respected class of the community who officiate as nurses, we strongly protest against introducing their ba bies into public meetings, knowing as we do, that it can only be done by resort to arms. 3. \\ hile we acknowledge that a lartre ma jority of our fellow creatures are, or have been babies, we consider it to be a fact that it is a very small minority who support these crying evils. 4. We cannot shut our eyes to the numer ous evidences of this evil ; indeed, we have known instances of late where it was found