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190 51 .Column Crcctcir to Sm. TIMING IT BETTER. A minister in the Highlands of Scotland found one of his parishioners intoxicated.— The next day he called to reprove him for it. “ It is very wrong to get drunk,” said the parson. “I ken that,” said the guilty person, “but then I dinna drink as meikle as you do!” “ What, sir! How is that ?” “ Why, gin it please ye, dinna ye aye take a glass o’ whiskey and water after din ner ?” “ Why, yes, Jemmy, surely I take a little whiskey after dinner merely to aid diges tion.” “And dinna ye take a glass o’ whiskey toddy every night when ye gang to bed ?” “Yes, to be sure, I just take a little toddy at night to help me sleep.” “ Well,” continued the parishioner, “ that’s just fourteen glasses a week, and about six ty every month. I only get paid once a month, and then if I’d take sixty glasses, it wad make me ded drunk for a week ; —now you see the only difference is, ye time it bet ter than I do!” 1 i WESTWARD HO! The new serial car, Chain Lightning, will leave the Battery, for Oregon, on Saturday morning at nine o’clock. All her machine ry will be on board at the hour advertised, and the electricity will be fresh from the man ufactory of Highflyer & Cos. The number of passengers will be limited to 300. A mail bag will be thrown out while passing over St. Louis, as our new instrument, in vented by Professor Pulhngass, will enable us to calculate the exact longitude while at the height of 10,000,000,000 feet. A para chute, capable of holding 50 persons, will be let down at the city of Fremont, near the south pass of the Rocky mountains. Pas sengers will dine on board the car, and ar rive at Astoria at five in the afternoon. As the Chain Lightning runs in opposition to the daily monopoly of Skinflint & Cos., the fare will be put at 37 1-2 cents —dinner ex tra. The Chain Lightning will return on Monday, when our new patent cylindric elec trical loadstone will enable us to draw up the St. I mail while passing over that city. Passengers who think of going, will please be on board at least six seconds be fore the time of starting, as not a moment’s delay will be allowed. For passage ap ply to the Captain, or to Flint, Steel & Cos., 24857 Broadway. New York, Sept. 33d, 1870. — Boston Post. “ Nothing can be well done,” says Dr. Kitchener, “ that is done in a hurry.” “Except catching fleas,” adds the London Punch. Punning is the very lowest kind of wit,” said a person one day to Erskine. “It is so,” answered Henry, “and therefore the foundation of all wit.” Above all things avoid lawsuits; they prey upon the mind, they impair the health, and they dissipate your property. — La Btu yere. Kemble, once calling at the house of Mr. Crompton, the Irish Attorney Gener al in Dublin, the following dialogue took place between him and Mr. C.’s servant, Pat rick : “ Well, Patrick, where's your master?” “He is out, sir.” “ Where’s your mistress ?” “She is out, too, sir.” “Well, then I will just sit down by the fire until one of them comes in.” “By the powers, but you can’t.” says Patrick. “ tor that's out too!” A Judge in one of the new counties in Western Virginia, inquired of the sheriff whether he had made up a jury. The sher iff replied, that he had empanelled eleven, and expected to have the other soon, as they were running him with dogs. It is said that when a Russian hus band neglects to beat his wife for a month or two, sne begins to be alarmed at his indif ference. A good thrashing is a striking proof of affection. O'Connell had obtained an acquittal for one of his clients ; the fellow’sjoy knew no bounds. “Och, counsellor,” said he, “ I've no way here to show you my grati tude, but I vvisht I saw you knocked down in my own parish, and maybe I couldn’t bring a taction to the rescue.” S®©TFIS B[B fiS & anr g AIB ¥ SASS ¥¥ SL flO IS IE ©IBIB IB 1 IB IB H©IB©IB ®® M o A PLEASANT STORY FOR YOUTH. There was once a miller who had a beau tiful daughter, and when she was grown up. he thought within himself that whenever a good-looking wooer should come and ask her in marriage, he would give her to him, that he might provide for her. So it hap pened that one came who was very rich, and as the lather knew nothing to object to him. he promised her to him. The girl, how ever, did not like this man so well as a bride should love her husband, and felt a kind of feur come over her whenever she saw him, or thought about him. Once he said to her, “Why do you not pay me a visit, now that you are my bride?”—“l don't know where you live,” replied the girl. “There,” he replied, “in the dark green wood.” She then tried to find some excuse for not going, saying she should not be able to find the way. But the bride groom said, “You must come on Sunday next, for I have invited some friends to spend the day with me: and that you may find your way, I will strew some ashes all along through the woods.” When Sunday came, and the girl was getting ready to go, she felt quite wretched, and filled her pockets with peas. When she came to the wood, she found the path strewn with ashes, and went on her way, but kept scattering a few peas every now and then, to the right and left. So she traveled on nearly the whole day, till she came to a house standing in the thick part of the wood. She saw no one about the house, and all was very quiet, till she heard a voice call out: — “ Young lady you’re come to a robber’s den! Return to your father’s house again.” Looking round, she saw a bird in a cage over the door; and again it repeated the words:— “ Young lady you’re come to a robber's den ! Return to your father’s house again.” She now went from one room to another, over the whole house, but it was quite emp ty, and not a creature to be seen. At last she came to the cellar, where sat an old wo man. She asked her about her intended husband, and if he dwelt there; and the old woman told her that the house was a rob ber’s den, and that they would be sure to kill her. “Look,” said the old woman, “here is a large kettle of boiling water: when the robbers return, they will put you in here, if Ido not contrive to save you.” She then co cealed the young woman behind a large cask, and told her not to stir, or move, in the least, otherwise she would be discover ed ; and that when the robbers were asleep, she could then make her escape; and the old woman said she would run away too. She had hardly ended when the robbers return ed, bringing with them another young wo man; and they were tipsy, and paid no at tention to her cries and lamentations. They gave her three glasses of wine to drink, a glass of red, a glass of white, and a glass of yellow; and when she had drank them, she fell dead. This was a terrible sight to the young woman behind the cask, as she thought her turn would come next. One of the robbers seeing a gold ring on one of the fingers of the dead maiden, took an axe Old Birch, who taught a village school Wedded a maid of homespun habit ; He was stubborn a-< a mule, And sho was playful as a rabbit. Poor Kate had scarce bocome a wife. Before her husband sought to make her The pink of country-polished life. Anil prim and formal as a qunker. and hacked it off; and the finger made such a spring, that it fell behind the cask, just in the lap of the young woman concealed there. The robber then took a light and searched for it, but could not see it. Another robber then said, “Have you looked behind the great cask?” The old woman called out, “Come to your supper, come, and leave looking for the finger till morning; I dare say it won’t run away. The robber then gave over, and sat down to eat and drink with his companions. The old woman had put a sleepy potion in the wine, so that the robbers were soon stretched out in the cel lar, dead asleep. When the young woman saw this, she got from behind the cask, and stepped over their sleeping bodies, lying in rows, and was in great fear least they should awaken. But God was with her, and gave her strength, so that she escaped safely, with the old woman, and they went on their way. Now the peas and beans served as marks, in the moonlight, to show the right path. So they traveled on the whole night, and reached the miller’s on the following morning, when the girl told her father all that had happened. As now the day arriv ed when the marriage was to be celebrated, the bridegroom made his appearance, and the miller invited all his friends and rela tions to the wedding. After dinner, each one was called on, in his turn, to tell a sto ry for the amusement of the company. Then out spake the bridegroom to the bride, “Now, my love, will you favor us with a story?” “Well,” said she, “I will tell you a dream I lately had. 1 thought 1 was going through a wood, and came at last to a house with nobody in it; not a living creature to be seen, except a bird hung up in a cage; and the bird called out to me twice— “ Young lady you’re eomo to a robber’s den ! Return to your father’s house again.” Could this be only a dream, my dear?) I then went over the rooms that were all emp ty ; and when I came to the cellar, there” 1 found an ancient woman sitting, and of her I inquired if my intended husband lived in that house. She replied and said :—“Alas! poor young woman, you have come to a robber's house ! Your intended husband will kill you, and make pancakes of you ;” (but, my dear, surely it was only a dream.) So then, to keep me out of harm's way, the old dame concealed me behind a cask ; and I had scarcely got behind it, when the rob ber’s came home bringing with them a young woman, whom they killed, by mak ing her drink three sorts of wine, no doubt poisoned. One ol the robbers seeing a gold ring on her finger, took an axe to cut it off, as he could not draw the ring off. But the finger, owing to the violence of the blow, sprang away, a nd 1 ell behind the great cask, right into my lap, and here it is. with the. ring upon it! Can all this be a dream?” So saying, she produced the finger, and showed it to the guests. The robber seeing and hearing all this, turned as pale as a sheet, and attempted to run away, but the miller and his friends laid hold of him, and delivered him up to justice, when he and his whole band, being found guilty, received the just reward of their crimes. THE RETORT. BY GEORG K I- . MORRIS. One day the tutor wont abroad. And ample Kitty sadly miss'd him; W hen ho returned, behind her lord Hie slyly stole and fondly kissed him! J lie husband’s anger rose!—and red Ami his fa *e alternate grew f ‘ ree lom ma'am'-Kate sighed and said, Uti dear . I didu t ktiotv V was you F* I EDITOR’S DEPARTMENT, ATHENS, SATURDAY, OCT. 21, 184$ fMtJAffig.l gansgg j The Editor of the Southern Literary Gazettt Ic ing desirous of developing and encouraging Literan Talent in the South, has resolved to offer the sum o f One Hundred Dollars, in prizes, as exhibited i r the annexed schedule: THE FIRST PRIZE For the best Tale of the South, . . Fifty Dollars THE SECOND PRIZE For the second best Tale, . . . Twenty Dollars THE FIRST PRIZE For the best Poem, Twenty Dollars. OR A COPY OF harper’s SPLENDID PICTORIAL BIBLE THE SECOND PRIZE For the second best Poem, Ten Dollars OR A COPY OF harper’s PICTORIAL SHAKSPEARE. All competitors must send in their MSS. before the loth day of December ensuing, and they mui-t come, if by post, pre-paid. They should be legibly written on one side of a sheet only. Tbe authors’ names must be sent in separate sealed envelope.-, which will not be opened until the prizes- have been selected —when the successful competitors will be an nounced. The articles will be submitted to the ex amination and decision of a Committee, eomposetief several gentlemen of distinguished character, whose names will be announced in due time. The award of prizes may be expected to be made known in the last number for the present year, and the publication of the First Prize Tale will be commenced with the New Year. The articles offered in competition will become the property of the Editor, and those which are deemed worthy will appear in the Gazette. All communications relating to theprizes must be addressed, post-paid, to the Editor. Special Notice* M e are not given to dunning, and intend to do as little of it as any contemporary; but we have a word to many of our Subscribers, as much for their ad vantage as for ours. It is this: On the 4th day of next month, the six months will havo expired, du ring which Two Dollars will be received in full for the first year's subscription, beginning with No 1. By our published terms, all subscriptions unpaid after six months of the year will be raised to Two Dollars and Fifty Cents. Now we assure our kind friends and patron?, that all we want for our paper is Two Dollars from every one; but we must insist on receiving that amount within the six months, or thereafter the ex tra half dollar will be charged. o Need we say to the true and generous friends of Literature in the South, that our’s is a task hard enough, in all conscience, under the best auspice but doubly hard and unthankful when the poor pit tance we require from each one is withheld for months after it is due. We would never ask for our dues at all, if we could get along without them -~ But we cannot, and we expect every S. L. U.— which may be interpreted Subscriber to the Litera ry Gazette—to do his duty. We claim no more and no less. We beg of each one as a favor, however, that he will endeavor to add to the stability of our enterprize by increasing its circulation. OCr* Subscribers in the country and in village? where there is ro Agent, will please remit by mail The payment to local or travelling Agents within the limits, will be sufficient We beg leave to nam the following gentlemen as local Agents: Savannah—George C. Griffon and Mr. Harmon. Augusta—Eli Mustin. Macon—J. J. &S. P. Richards. Charleston, S. C.~John Russell. Beaufort, S. C.—T. J. Wells. Milledgevllle—Otis Childs. New York City—C. M. Saxton. 205 Broadway- Philadelphia—Carey & Hart. Boston—Gould, Kendall & Lincoln. Sparta—C. W\ Du3ose. Atlanta—.Tas. McPherson & Cos. Darien—James E. Town-end. Dalton—W. L. High. Mariet a—A. J. Ilansell.