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moment learned that my cook is intoxicated :
and if we want to have the table covered,
we must turn cooks ourselves.”
The proposal was received with enthusias
tic applause. The Prussian ambassador im
mediately turned up his sleeves; all the oth
ers followed his example, and amid merry I
peals of laughter they descended en masse to
the kitchen.
The cook was seated in an arm-chair, look
ing as red as a turkey-cock, and as immova
ble as a sphinx. Around him were plenty of
saucepans and stewpans, but not a vestige of
anything eatable. “ Conquer or die !” was
their motto ; and they conquered.
A peer of the realm was placed in charge of
the spit, two ministerial deputies watched the
frying-pans ; three secretaries to the embassy
were promoted to mix the sauces; and two
presidents of the courts-royal were set to
skim the pot. Seven or eight admirals and
generals waged valiant warfare on the poul
try-yard, and came off victorious with twenty ;
dozen eggs, and chickens and ducks innum
erable.
All the ladies declared that they were per
fectly versed in making omelets; accordingly
there was no end to these danties. The most
remarkable were, an omelet with rum by a
duchess, an omelet with truffles by a march
ioness, an omelet with asparagus by a vis
countess, and a sweet omelet by a baroness. ;
Madame B maintained order in all de
partments of the service ; she reserved to her
self the seasoning of the ragouts.
And how they did laugh !
11 Where's the vinegar !” cried a consul.
•*’ A little parsley for my capon!” shouted
a charge d'affairs.
“Salt and pepper, if you please!” demand
ed a secretary of state.
“Flour for me!” vociferated the attorney
general.
After the omelets, there still remained so
many eggs, that the ladies set to work and
prepared fried eggs, sliced eggs, and eges
beaten up in froth.
While these active preparations were pro
gressing, the cook tried now and then to rise
but sank down again with a heavy sigh.—
Then he would follow with his droopingeyes
the gentlemen in black coats, and the ladies
ifi sarin robes, all protected with napkins,
feeling totally unable to comprehend this in
vasion of his empire.
At ten o'clock Madame B announced,
in the midst of general enthusiasm, that din
ner was ready ; and shortly after they all sat
down to table.
Every one had earned a dinner and an ap
petite, and the dishes were pronounced by ac
clamation excellent. Seldom was a banquet
so throughly enjoyed; and at a late hour
the illustrious guests separated, in good-hu
mor with each other, with their hostess, and
with themselves.
Next morning, when the valet of Madame
B awoke from his lethargy, he called for
a sword to pierce his breast ; but being able
to find nothing better than a carving-knife,
that professionable implement seemed to him
an ignoble instrument of death ; and on se
cond thoughts he resolved to live.
A SHERIFF IN LOVE.
Court was in session, and amid the multipli
city of business which crowded upon him in
term-time, he stopped at the store of a beau
tiful widow, on the sunny side of thirty, who
by the way, had often bestowed melting
glances upon ihe sherffl aforesaid. He was
admitted, and soon the widow appeared ;. the
confusion and delight which the arrival of
her visitor had occasioned, set of! to a greater
advantage than usual the captivating charms
of widow M, Her cheeks bore the beau
tiful, blended tints of the apple blossom —her
lips, resembled rcjserbuds upon which the
morning dew yet lingered, and her eyes were
like the quivers of Cupid, the glances of love
and tenderness with which they were filled, j
resembled arrows, that only waited for a fine
beau, (pardon the pun,) to do full execution. I
After a few common-place remarks, ‘-‘Mad
am,” said the matter-of-fact sheriff,. “-I have ’
an attachment for you.”
A deep blush mantled the cheeks of the fair i
widow- —with downcast eyes, whose glances
were centered upon her beautiful feet, half
concealed by her flowing drapery, gently pat
ting the floor, she with equal candor repli
“Sir, the attachment is reciprocal.”
For some time the sheriff mantained an as
tonished silence—at last he said
“ Madam, will you proceed to Court ? l *
• Proceed to court ?” replied the lady with |
a. aierry laugh, then shaking her beautiful .
head, she added :
“ No, though'tis leap year, I would: not, 1
take advantage of the license therein granted
to my sex. and therefore greatly prefer that
you should “ proceed to court.”
§© ® t ff m .g ta us a, o ■a 1 &&a a h (b a& & inr § *
“ But madam, the Justice is waiting.”
“Let him wait; I am not disposed to hur
ry matters in such an unbecoming manner ;
and beside, sir, when the ceremony is per
formed, I wish you to understand that I pre
fer a minister to a Justice of the Peace.”
“Madam,” said he, rising from his chair
with solemn dignity, “there has been a great
mistake here: my language has been misun
derstood ; the attachment of which I speak
was issued from the office of Esquire C -;
commanding meto 4 bring you instantly before
him. to answer to contempt of Court, in dis
obeying a subpoena in the case of Smith vs.
Jones.”
\Ve drop the curtain.
•Newspaper Analects.
MONKEYS IN INDIA.
Strangers are very much surprised to see
monkeys jumping about the tops of the
houses in Madras, or dashing across the
streets; and sailors on landing, are greatly
amused at them, and try to catch them, or
hit them with sticks or stones —but all in
vain as they soon jump out of the way, and
then show their teeth as if in contempt for
their assailant. Some years ago the animals
were so numerous, so mischievous, and so
destructive to property, especially in pulling
off tiles, and in stealing from people in the
bazars, that it was determined to catch the
depredators, put them in cages and carry them
oft'to the distant jungles : for the people have
a great aversion to kill them. After much
trouble, many were caught, but they were so
very refractory, that some of them received a
dozen lashes each, and were sent away.—
Many of them found their way back again,
and now the inhabitants are as much troubl
ed as ever.
Within the last eight or ten months, they
have played all kinds of pranks in our houses;
for as we are obliged to allow the doors and
windows to be open on account of heat, they
can very easily get into my apartment. I
had the mortification to find one day that a
young fellow had got hold of Pilgrim's Pro
gress, and had actually torn down the plate
where the Pilgrim receives his “parchment
roll;” and as he saw me he leisurely march
ed oft’, seeming to say, “ Have I not done it V
Another rogue had no doubt seen someone
use a tooth-brush, and he carried it complete
ly off. My wafers they are perpetually
stealing, and several times they have taken
away the box. Nay, the steel pens were
in their way; and one day when 1 was near
ly blaming a servant, it was found that a
monkey was the thief. As for tumblers and
various earthern vessels, 1 know not how
many they have broken ; and loves of bread,
if not watched or locked up, are soon in the
hands of these gentry ; and when the ciea
tures have gone a short distance, they sitdown
to look at us and then begin to eat. I ought
to have said before that they delight in my
letters and notes ; and after looking gravely
at them for a short time, they tear them to
pieces.
Sometimes they get on my bed and stretch
themselves, and roll about in their gambols,
and leave a plenty of marks behind. At oth
er limes they admire themselves in the look
ing-glass, and try to touch what they believe
to be one of their own kin. Not long ago
they broke'one of them and carried off a beau
tiful silver watch. They were soon at a
neighbor's house, and commenced their exper
iments; the glass was forthwith broken, the
second hands, which no doubt astonished
them by its movements was torn off, and the
other hands were served in the same way. —
The “tick-tick,” of the watch was the great
est puzzler of all. The servants were after
them; but no, Jocco could run well, and did
not wish to part with his prize. A fine loaf
of bread, however, was brought and placed
|at some distance, and pug could not resist
that. Jle left the watch for what to him was
! much better and the watch was regained
I though sadly injured. This unfortunate
transaction,, howev er, had only excised their
[curiosity; and they’ one day succeeded in
dragging fro nr) a table a large gold watch be
longing to the w/iter. of this paper, and carri
ed it to. the top of the house; but they were
detected in their villiany, and were /lightened
away*.
“ Well, but why, not, kill their} ?” say” jny
young friends. 1 did shoot .one, .but l shali
not soon do. jt again ; .he looked so much like
! a human being ; hi#* companions ,also, made
| such a noi*e, and hooted ine after,;,
i then the nari Ve -were much offended; so-thiU
! 1 cannot try. that plan again. Then I offered
! a large sum. to.&ny servant who would catch
me one; for 1, dfi&rmined to make an exam
ple of him, and trim him up a little and crop
! fiis ears and; tail, so that others might be
Lightened : but all in vain. We got a large
rat-trap and put some bread on it. An inex
perienced young monkey’ set at it and was
caught; but he worked hard and his taper
ing head assisted. And after a few deep
scratches, he escaped, and shortly afterwards
returned with another to show him the ma
chine. They both examided it and walked
away!
The next day’ we tried again,.and they” so
managed the matter as to carry off’the bread.
1 procured poison, put on bread and preserves.
An old fellow seized the prize, chewed a lit
tle, then looked at me, put it out of his mouth
shook his head, and bid us good morning.—
A young fellow came and he did exactly the
same thing.— Wes. Juv. Off.
THE MOTTO ON THE BRIDAL RING
A young gentleman of fine intellect and
noble heart, was suddenly snatched by’ the
hand of death from all the endearments of life.
Surrounded by everything that could make
existence pleasant and happy —a wife that
idolized him children that loved him as they
only” can love, and frindsdevoted to him; the
summons came and he lay upon the bed of
death. But a few short years ago, she to
whom he was wedded, placed a bridal ring
upon his finger, upon the inside of which he
had a few words privately engraven. The
husband would never permit the giver to read
them, telling her that the day would come
when her wish should be gratified, and she
should know the secret. Seven years glided
away, and a day or two since, when con
scious that he must soon leave his wife for
ever, he called her to his bedside, and with
his dying accents told her that the hour had
at last come when she should see the words
upon the ring she had given him. The
young mother took it from his cold finger,
and though stricken with grief, eagerly read
the words
I will meet thee in Heaven.”
LOFTY TREES.
In Col. Fremont's Memoirs of Cali
i fornia, we find some accounts of the forest
trees of that country', which if the statements
! were not vouched for by good authority', we
should class them with the stories of Baion
Munchausen. The writer speaks thus of
some trees on the coast mountain between
St, Joseph and Santa Cruz :
The mountains were wooded with many
varieties of trees, and in some parts with
heavy forests. These forests are character
ized by a cypress (taxodium) of extraordina
i ry dimensions already mentioned among the
| forest trees of America, by’ its superior size
and height. Among many which we mea
sured in this part of the mountain, nine and
ten feet diameter, was frequent, eleven some
times, but going beyond eleven only inasin
gle instance, which reached fourteen feet in
diameter. Above 200 feet was a frequent
; height. In this locality the bark was very
j deeply furrowed, and unusually thick, being
fully sixteen inches in some of the trees. —
The tree was in bloom (February, 1844.)
flowering near the summit, and the flowers
consequently’ difficult to procure. This is the
staple timber tree of the country, being cut
into both boards and shingles, and is the prin
cipal timber sawed at the mills, ft is soft,
and easily worked, wearing away to quickly
to be used for floors. It seems to have all
the durability’ which anciently’ gave the cy
press so much celebrity. Posts wdiich have
j been exposed to the weather three quarters
of a century (since the foundation of the mis
sions) show no marks of decay in the wood,
and are now converted into beams and posts
! for private dwellings. In California this tree
is called the palo Colorado. It is the king of
trees. On the 28th of February, on the coast
near the north-western point of Monterey
Bay, he speaks as follows of this same tree.
A forest of palo Colorado, at the foot of the
mountains in this vicinity, is noted for the
great size aiul height of trees ; I measured
one which was 275 feet in height, and 15
feel in diameter, three feet above the base
(45 feet in circumference.) Though this was
distinguished by the greatest girth, other sur
rounding trees were hut little inferior in size,
and still taller, that is, of course, more than
j one hundred and seventy-five feet in height!
Cobbett said :—“ Women so amiable
• in themselves, are never so amiable as when
they’ are useful; and for beauty, though men
may fall in Jove with girls at play, there is
nqthing to make them stand to their love like
seeing them at work.”
An old bachelor who edits a paper
j somewhere opt west, puts “Melancholy Ac
cidents” as a.bpad for marriages in his paper.
3, Column (Ereclci to Suit.
AN ACCOMMODATING LANDLORD.
“You wiH find it an extremely pleasant
and healthy house to live in,” said Brick the
agent, as he led us. a few days ago, through
a vacant house up town. “Excellent am!
roomy cellars,” continued he, “dry asa bone
step down and look at them.”
And down we went, and discovered to
Brick's intense surprise that there weresome
six inches of water over the whole floor! and
looking for all ihe world as if it had been
there a long time. It took us hut a moment
to express an opinion that such an arrange
ment would not at all answer our purpose •
but we had not concluded, before Brick “re
covered his self-possession, and laughingly
intimated “ that it was altogether an over
sight on his part, the cellars not being gener
ally at all damp, and not liable to be over
flowed by the adjacent water-pipes, though
present appearances looked mightily like
“But,” said he, growingconfident in our cred
ulity', “ this water was purposly put here for
the accommodation of the last tenant; he was
on odd genius, and prevailed on me to provide
him with this pond.”
“ What for ?” said we gazing at it with
great curiosity'.
“What for! Why you'll hardly believe it,
sir, but it's a fact, nevertheless, the old boy
wanted to raise his own fish!" —Philadelphia
Despatch.
CABINET OF CURIOSITIES.
A plate of butter from the “ cream of a
joke.”
The last contract with ihe “ Trade Winds.”
A small quantity of Tar supposed to have
been left when the Israelites pitched their
tents.
The original brush used in painting the
“ signs of the times.”
The apple of the “eye of faith.”
A bucket of water from “All's well.”
Some small coins in the “ change of the
moon.”
TOSSING UP THE MONEY.
An anecdote is told in the papers of a very
poor woman who found a silver dollar. It
was a lucky event, but it placed her in a di
lemma. She had hardly a stitch of clothing,
and the gnawings of hunger were also de
manding attention.
“What shall I do?” she mentally’ inquir
ed ; “ shall I pay attention to my back or
stomach ?”
The question was a poser, but after musing
a minute she said :
“I'll toss for it; heads for the back, tails
for the stomach.”
Up went the dollar, and down it came with
head uppermost.
“Til give the stomach another chance,
said she.
“That was not a fair toss,” she exclaimeu.
as the head came uppermost the second time,
“the stomach shall have fair play.”
Up went the dollar the third time, and then
the eagle came uppermost.
“Ah! ha!” laughed the hungry won'am
while her eyes sparkled with delight, 1, l
knew the stomach would win it!”
A Pert Reply.— A young buck belong.
ing to the independent-drink-or-let-it-atone
just-as-I-please-without-signing-the • Pledge*
Society'. “ popped the question” to a prettv
girl a short time since, who brought a Mill
deeper blush to his already’ blushing counte
nance, by replying that as she had signc*
the Pledge to neither drink nor traffic in ar
dent spirits, she did not feel at liberty to tra -
sic herself off’for a hogshead of brandy ■
A Delicate Compliment.—Washington
was sometimes given to pleasantry. _° nr (>
neying east on one occasion, attended by w
aids, he asked some young ladies at aI o®
where he breakfasted, how they liked the ap
pearance of his young men. One oi 1
promptly replied, “we cannot judge o
stars m the presence ot the sun.
Hood on Hydropathy. —Here is Hoods
illustration of hydropathy: . j
“ It has been our good fortune, since re
ing Claridge on hydropathy, to see a
drake avail himself of the “ water-c: ?
at the dispensary in Saint James .
First in waning in, he took a “ Fuss
then took a “ Sitz bad,” and then turning w
curly tail up in the air, he took a “koP r
Lastly, he rose almost upright on h'J .
end, and made such a flapping with n - ,
that we really expected he was U ) - __
“ Priesnitz forever.” But no such t > f
He only said, “quack ! quack!? quae