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376
Newspaper Analects.
TIME.
Time’s an hand’s breath ; ’tis a tale;
Tis a vessel under sail;
’Tis an eagle in its way,
Darting down upon its prey
‘Tis an arrow in its flight,
Mocking the pursuing sight:
’Tis a short-liv’d fading flower;
’Tis a momentary ray,
Smiling in a winter’s day ;
’Tis a torrent’s rapid stream ;
’Tis a shadow ; ’tis a dream ;
‘Tis the closing watch of night,
Dying at the rising light;
’Tis a bubble : ’tis a sigh ;
Be prepar’d, O man! to die.
[Francis Qiuirlcs, 1634.
THE SUNNY SIDE.
“1 mark only the hours that shine.” Such
is the motto upon a sun-dial in Italy, and'how
beautiful the lesson it inculcates! Who is
there that would not love to be animated by
the spirit it breathes? It is indeed one of the
most delightful conceits we have met with in
our reading. We are all apt to chafe and
fret at life’s vexations—brooding continually
over “the days of-darkness” we have expe
rienced, and‘forgetting the many sunny days
God has given us. How much better would
it be for us, could we but learn to take no
note of time but by its benefits—to watch
for the smiles, and neglect the frowns of fate
—to compose our lives, in short, of only
bright and gentle moments, looking ever on
the sunny side of things, and letting the rest
pass by unheeded and forgotten. Truly,
such a life would be too happy a one, and
we may well doubt whether it be within the
power of mortals. But, though we may not
attain to such a degree of bliss as the motto
implies, we may yet make some approach to
it, if we will but try to make the best of ev
erything,and school ourselves to suffer patient- \
ly the ills we cannot avoid. “Our life,” says
an old writer, “like the harmony of the world,
is composed of contrary things, of various
tones, sweet and harsh, sharp and flat, spright
ly and solemn. And the musician who
would only affect one of these, what would *
he be able to do ? He must know how to
make use of them all, and to mix them ; and
so we likewise, the good and evil, which are
consubstantial with life.” Such is the advice
of the happy old Gascon Montaigne; and
we may add that he who, instead of growl
ing and repining at his lot. lives in this spirit
—enjoying the sweet of life as it comes up
and relishing it only the more keenly from*!
its contrast to the bitter—will be an infinitely
happier man than he who, as Franklin says,
“is always lookisg at the ugly leg,” and ‘
grumbling at the ills he cannot cure.
TIIE CONQUEROR'S GRAVE. .
The eyes of William the Conqueror were
closed by the menials, who, after helping
themselves to his wardrobe, absconded, and
abandoned his unburied corpes—as in his
last hours he was forsaken by his friends
and family. A peasant took pity on the dead
body of the king, and caused it to be convey
ed to Caen for burial. As the bearers ap
proached the city a fire broke out, and scat
tered the procession, such as it was. It
seemed as if even this last miserable honor
was to be interdicted by Destiny. Worse
still happened on the way to the grave.
Having reached the church at last, the form
of a funeral eloge was got through, with as
much show of ceremony as circumstances
permitted: but when the bishop called upon
the people to pray for the soul of the deceas
ed, a citizen sprang up and vehementl y
protested against the interment. His father’s
house had stood upon that spot, and had
been illegally seized by William, and its in
mates driven out into the streets. For this
wrong the citizen demanded restoration of the
ground as the property of his family, and re
fused to let the rites proceed. The justice of
the demand was seconded by the unanimous
voice of the people; and the priest, after
vainly remonstrating against the interruption
was compelled to compromise the matter by
purchasing from the citizen the little space
of earth in which the remains of the mon
arch were about to be deposited. The burial
service was suspended while the price of the
king’s grave was debated and paid over in
the nave of the church. This obstruction re
moved, all was now ready for the last office;
but a strange fatality still followed the corpse.
As the coffin was swung down, it struck the
sides of the grave, and. breaking opan at the
shock, swung its swollen contents so violent
ly to the bottom, that the corpse burst. The
effluvium which instantly filled the church
wns so overpowering that the people rushed
out. Even the priests fled, and the last rites
were leit unfinished. The body was hastily
s®igiriagiEia. a* nif s ib & ib
huddled up in the earth, and lay there unmo
lested for nearly three centuries, when the
Caltfanists, who had heard that treasures of
great value had been buried with it, tore up
the grave, and finding nothing but the bones
of the skeleton, collected them in a piece of
; red taffeta, and, scattering them, destroyed al
so the gravestones.
A NOVEL BET.
Galignam’s Messenger tells the following
Frenchy anecdote. There are hundreds of
young men in each of our principal cities who
can fully appreciate the dandy’s embarrass
ment :
“An aristocratic young dandy, one of the
most exclusive of the present fashionable lions
in Paris, who, as he declares, was present at
Marrast’s reception merely from curiosity,
was invited by the mistress of the house to
take his place at an ecarte table, where was
already seated a gentleman waiting for a
partner. The lion obeyed with scornful com
pliance, and took the chair opposite to the
stranger, who was already beginning to shuf
fle the cardsjwith an agreeable anticipation of
amusement, after long expectation.—No soon
er, however, was the dandy seated than he
started with amazement on beholding in his
partner the visage which will sometimes
strike terror into the bosom of the bravest of
mankind, —the tailor to whom a long bill is
owing. The latter, however, as willing as
the dandy to avoid recognition, merely bow
ed in answer to the stare of surprise of which
he was the object, said and quietly as he drew
his purse from his pocket, ‘What are our
stakes V 1 The coat on my back, replied the
impudant dandy, without moving a muscle.
The tailor was a man of honor, and rather
enjoyed the joke than otherwise. He play
ed foF the coat and lost, and the dandy walk
ed away rather embarrassed at the novel po
sition in which he stood as wearer of a coat
which was really paid for.”
FAT, FAIR, AND EIGHTEEN.
A correspondent of the London Post gives
the following sketch of the Queen of Spain.
Doubtless there’s a divinity doth hedge a
sovereign, but the “innocent Isabel,’ as she
used to be called is an odd person to be so |
hedged: Isabel Bonbon, the present Queen
of Fusilladia, is surprisingly fat for so young
a person. One cannot look at her without
thinking whether the ‘fat boy’ in ‘Pickwick’
ever had a sister. Her arm is immense ; her
bust redundantly developed; and her ankles
look solid enough to support anything but
criticism. She waddles in her gait from ex
cessive obesity, and her pale, chubby face,
after a few minutes’ exercise becomes suff
used with a delicate broom, the result of car
rying such a load of fat. She then looks
quite pretty. Her appetite seems well calcu
lated to keep up her corpulence; soup, an en
tire roast fowl, made dishes, pastry, followed
by sweetmeats and preserves, of which she is
passionately fond, being demolished by her
Majesty at a meal. She is scarcely ever
without a box of bonbons in her hand or
pocket. I wish I could say her disposition
is as sweet as her taste is saccharine. But
this is not her fault. She has been badly
brought up ; one moment having every whim
gratified, and the next being cuffed and chid
by her mother. Isabella’s education has been
terribly neglected. Her orthography would
shame a charity school girl.
GETTING RID OF THE TOOTHACHE.
There are many ways of expelling an ach
ing “molar” —but the followtng, chronicled
by the “Wheeling Times,” caps the climax
of all the methods we have “ heern tell of,”
as the Yankee said. Gun-powder does well
to blast rocks; hut we never dreamed that it
would be used to explode a grumbling tooth
with. Persons who choose to try the exper
iment may have the satisfaction of knowing
that it is, at least, “dead sure.” The Times
.says:
“An individual of this town, while des
perate under toothache, resolved on the sum
mary method of blowing up his refractory
grinder. It was an immense masticator—
having an excavation equal, in the exent, to
i the cavity of a gun barrel. With the assis
tance of his helpmate, he dried out the cavity
—filled it with gunpowder—pounded in a
wad of cotton, and, with a red-hot kniting
nedle, set fire to the mine, when a most tre
mendous explosion took place. The jaw
hone was rent in twain; the offending tooth
demolished, and with it three others, against
which there was no cause of complaint. The
poor man found himself prostrated on the
iloor, minus four teeth, besides having his
face much burnt.”
Anecdote of Kosciusko. —The celebrated
Polish General, Kosciusko, wished to send
some bottles of good wine to a clergyman at
Solothurn; and as he hesitated to send them
by his servant, lest he should smuggle a part,
he gave the commission to a young man of
the name of Zeltuer, and desired him to take
the horse which he usually rode. Young
Zeltuer, on his return, said to Kosciusko that
he would never ride his horse again, unless
he gave him his purse at the same time.
Kosciusko asked what he meant ? ’ He re
plied, “ As soon as a poor man on the road
takes off his hat and asks for charity, the
horse immediately stands still, and will not
stir till something is given to the petitioner,
and, as I had no money about me, I was
obliged to make a motion as if I was giving
something, in order to satisty the horse.” A
higher eulogium could be hardly pronounced
on the Polish hero.
Macaulay says of an occasion in
which Somers made a speech—“ Somers rose
last. He spoke little more than five minutes,
but every word was full of weighty matter;
and when he sat down his reputation as an
orator and a constitutional lawyer was estab
lished.” Our Congress orators would do
well to ponder this five minutes speech in
their hearts.
■1 —i
Michael Angelo. —A friend, called on
Michael Angelo, who was finishing a statue.
Some time afterwards he called again; the
sculptor was still at his work. His friend
looking at the figure, exclaimed: “You have
been idle since I saw you last.” “By no
means,” replied the sculptor, “I have re
touched this part, and polished that; I have
softened this feature, and brought out this
muscle; I have given more expression to this
lip, and more energy to this limb.” “Well,
well,” said his friend, “ but all these are tri
fles.” “It may be so,” replied Angelo, “ but
recollect that trifles make perfection, and that
perfection is no trifle.”
|JljUosopl)2 for tljc JJeoplc.
Artesian Wells in London. —The sani
tory regulations now contemplated will, when
carried into operation, place the using of
Thames water for domestic purposes entirely
out of the question; and other means of sup
plying the public must be resorted to. An as
sociation has bean formed to make artesian
wells sufficient to supply the whole of Lon
don with pure water. The calculation is,
that there are at present more than 60.000
houses, containing a population of nearly
half a million of persons, who are not sup
plied with wholesome water. The cost oi
water to be supplied by these wells will not
exceed Bs. per year for each house. The
water of these wells will be supplied by bo
ring into the chalk formation below the sand
bed under the plastic or London clay, where
an unfailing supply would be found. The
practicability of this scheme has been proved
by the borings at Trafalgar Square, where
two wells have supplied the fountains there
for four or live years; and by the well at the
Camden station of the Northwestern Railroad
Company, where, at the depth of 140 feet, a
supply of water was found sufficient for all
the purposes of that immense establishment. —
European Correspondent of the National In
telligencer.
Fire Paint, or Artificial Stone. —This
singular substance, the discovery of which in
Ohio was announced some time ago, has
grown into much favor with the public. It
is found that when applied as a coating it ren
ders the wood perfectly weather and fire proof.
Mr. Blake, who is now in this city, exhib
ited to us a few days ago the article in its origi
nal state state, when it is as soft nearly as
putty, but on being exposed ter the atmosphere
it becomes as hard as stone. He has experi
mented upon it till he is now able to color it
I with a variety of handsome tints. It is being
used extensively for covering roofs of either
shingles or matched boards, tin, zinc, sheet
! iron or thick paper; for steamboats and car
decks, for all kinds of iron, as it forms a coat
ing nearly as hard as the iron itself, and nev
! ercloavesolf, forsqhool slates, fire-proof safes,
for cement to put in joints of air-tight stoves,
for carriage work, for fire fronts, for centre
and pier tables, being susceptible of a beau
tiful polish. It isalso used upon brick walls,
both as a paint and a cement, forming a per
fect stone coating, through which not a par
, tide of moisture can pass. It appears to be
a very valuable substance, and its use must
i become general. — Philadelphia Ledger.
Which is the oldest.tree in America?
j The elder tree.
■2 Column (Erectcii to lutt.
The retort discourteous. At a Mnven.
tionofclerKymen, notlong since,it waspropM
ed by o.ie ot the members, after they had dined
that each one should entertain the contram
with some interesting remarks. Amomih
rest, one drew upon his fancy, and related
dream. In his dream he went to heaven, and
he described the golden streets, the river of
life, etc. etc. As he concluded, one of the
divines, who was somewhat noted for his pen
unous and money-saviug habits, stepped un
to the narrator and inquired jocosely—
dreamf” y ° U 866 anything of me in y our
“Yes, I did.”
“Indeed! what was I doing?”
“You were on your knees.”
“Praying, was I?”
“No—scraping up the gold!”
■ 1 ■
A Tailor s Goose. —A dashing foreman
to a tailor milliner in Glasgow, having <>-o*t a
holiday to go and see his majesty, amfdin
ing in a mixed company, wished to impress
those present with the immense importance
of his services to his employers. “ Though
I say it, that should not say it,” quoth Snip,
“if it were not for me, our people could not
carry on their business.”
“ I can very well believe you,” said one
of the party, “ I never yet heard of a tailor
who could carry on his business without his
goose!”
Anecdote of Dr. Good.—A servant
brought a letter to his master, Dr. Good.
Who is that for? said the glergyman, see
ing him coining.
Dr. Good for nothing, replied the man.
What do you mean by that, you impudent
fellow? Give me the letter. The Doctor
read the superscription. This is for Dr.
Good—not good for nothing.
Look at it again, sir, continued the man.
There is a frank. You pay nothing for it.
The Doctor laughed, and gave the man a
shilling*
Funny Parody. —Some verses have been
publishnd and re-published of late, called
“The American Girl’s Lay.” The last two
lines are :
Our glory lies in Freedom’s arms;
A Freeman for a lover !
Some editor (doubtless one of the b'hoys)
prints it thus :
Our glory lies in Freedom’s arms;
A Fireman for a lover !
i ii
Characteristic of the sex. —It is said
that a celebrated English duchess, on being
told that she must be bled, or she would die,
assumed the usual prerogative of her sex, and
replied, “ I wont be bled ; and I wont die;”
and she didn’t.
1 >
An Odd Prescription. —An apothecary's
boy was lately sent to leave at one house a
box of pills, and at another six live fovfls.
Confused on the way, he left the pills where
the fowls should have gone, and the fowls at
the pill place. The folks who received the
fowls were astonished at reading the accom
panying directions—“ Swallow one every two
hours.”
A Good Interpretation. —A gentleman
asked a wit the meaning of the passage,
“ He clothed himself with curses as with a
garment,” to which the wit replied, “He had
a habit of swearing.”
Cautiousness, Large. —Last week a wit
ness at a police office, speaking of an alleged
stolen ring, observed:
“ Might have said it belonged to my dear
wife, but did not use the words, my dear de
parted angel.”
“ Syntax.— “ What is the meaning of Syn
tax, mother ?”. inquired a little girl.
“It is a tax on sin, and this is the onh
thing that is not taxed in Pensylvania, ‘ was
the reply.
XKzj* If your means suit not with you,
ends, pursue those ends which suit youi
means.
“ Well, Patrick,” asked the doctor,
how do you do to-day ?” . ,
“O dear, doctor, I enjoy very bad healt
entirely. This rhumatist is very distressing
* indade. Whin Igo to sleep, I lay awake a
, night, and my toe is swelled as big as a goose
hen’s egg, so when 1 stand up 1 fail dov.n
directly.”