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YOL.Tr
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NEWS & FARMER.
BY
ROBERTS & BOYD.
Published Every Thursday Morning
L
m>UISVILLE, GEORGIA.
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CENTRAL RAILROAD.
ON and after SUNDAY the 20th June, the
Passenger trains uu the Georgia Central
Railroad, its branches and connections will
run as follows *
Leave Savannah -9; 15 am
Leave Augusm --- 9:05 p m
Arrive in Augusta 4:00 p m
Arrive in Macon 0:45 p ni
Leave Macon tor Columbus.---.. -- 8:15 p in
Leave Macon for Eufaula 9:10 a m
Leave Macon for Atlanta 9:15 p m
Arrive at Columbus 1:45 a in
Arrive at Eufaula 6:17 p m
Arrive at Atlanta 5:02 am
LesveAtlauta .10:40 p m
LAve Eufaula ........... .... 8:22 a ni
Leave Columbus -• 1:JO p m
Arrive at Macon from Atlanta. t>:4o p m
Arrive at .Vlacun from Eutaula 6:15 p ni
Arrive at Macon from Columbus 6:55 p m
Lea>o Macon.... 7:00 a m
Arrive at Augusta 4:00 p in
Arrive at Bavanuah 5:25 p m
Connects daily at Gordon with Passengea
Trains to and from Savannah and Augusta.
Plfc—Mill H—JI -mm^moss^jmmmmmmunrnmimmmdmmßsmi
Jlvofcsstoital (TnrTiH.
R. L. GAMBLE, JR.
ATTORNEY AT LAW.
ILoutstotUc, <GI.
January 6 ly.
J. G. Cain. J. 4. Polbill
CAIN & POLHILL.
ATTORNEYS AT LAW
LOUISVILLE, GA.
May 5, 1871. l y
DR, E. E. PARSONS
DEN T I S T
Louisville, Ga.
Will be in Louisville the third week in each
month
ty Orders left at tho Central Hotel promptly
attended to. Ivb ‘24 ly.
A. F DURHAM iIuLT).
Physician and Surgeon.
Sparta, Ga.
SUCCESSFULLY treats Diseases of the
Lungs and Throat, diseases of tho Eye,
Nose and Ear, and all forms of Propsey ; dis
eases of the Heart Kidneys, Bladder amt Stric
ture, secret diseases, long standing Ulcers.—
Removes Henioirheidal Tumors without pain
Makes a speciality of diseases peculiar to I’e
males. Medicines sent to any point on the
Kailroad. All liprrespendenoe confidential.
Feby 15, 1874 ly
HOTELS. ~
CENTRAL HOTEL.
LOUISVILLE, GA.
Mrs. A. M. Kirkland, Proprietress.
Board,s2.QQPer Day.
Lanier House,
Mulberry Street,
MACON - - - - GEORGIA
B* BOB# Proprietor
Free OBnibns Trent and te (be Depot
MY GRANDMOTHER.
By Florie Aldred, on the death of
her grandmother, A.manda Aldred, wife
of Ja mes Aldred of Jeffeison county.
Dim on the 13th or June, 1876, happy
in Christ.
Is there a friend to sympathise
With ns in our darkened home,
While grandfather and I weep
To be left sorrowing and alone.
We hare no wish to stay,
The light of our love has fled,
But it has flashed up higher,
To the home of treasured dead.
She said we’d miss her;
Dear grandmother said no more.
Oh, we’ll miss her e’er so sadly,
But we’ll meet her on another shore.
My gardian angel guide and stay,
With the evening light departed,
Faded with the sun’s last beams,
And left me broken hearted.
Iler body lies in a rosewood case,
With the emerald turf above,
But in my heart she’s buried deep,
Embalmed in fadeless love.
Bright flowers of charity
She’d planted on the narrow road,
And their incense upward rises,
To the land of her abode. • ■
Oh, I miss her, but I’ll meet her
Where parting is no more,
For site told me she'd expect me ,
On that bright and better shore.
To my grandpa she said :
Be faithful, and soon we shall meet,
With a fond embrace in tears
She said, to walk the golden streets.
[Advocate and Sandersville Herald,
are requested to copy.]
NEBUCHADNEZZAR.
[lrwin Russell in Scribner's Monthly.]
You, Nebuchadnezzar, whoa, sab!
Whar is you tryiu’ to go, sail!
I’d bab you to know, sail,
Is a-holdin’ ob de lines.
You better stop dat prancin,’
You’s pow’ful fond ob dancing,’
But I’ll bet my yeah’s advancing’
Dat I’ll cure you ob your shines.
Look heah, mule! Better min’ out
Fust ting you know you’ll find out
How quick I'll wear dis line out
. On your ugly stubbo’n back,
I
You needn’t try to stand up
An’ lif’ dat precious heel up ;
You’s got to plough dis fiel’ up,
You has, sab, for a fac.’
Dar, dat’s the way to do it!
He s cornin’ right down to it,
Jes’ watch him ploughin’ t’roo it!
Dis nigger ain’t no fool.
Some folks they would ’a’ beat him,
Now dat would only heat heat him—
I know jes’ how to treat him,
You mus’ reason wid a mule.
'
He minds me like a nigger.
If he was only bigger
He'd fotcii a mighty Agger,
He would, I tell you! Yes, sah!
See how he keeps a ’clickin’!
He’s as gentle as a chicken,
An’ nebber thinks o’ kickin—
Who dar! Nebuchadnezzah’—
*******
Is dis heah me, or not me?
Or is de debbil got me?
Was data cannon shot me?
Ilab I laid heah more’n a week?
Dat mule do kick amazin’!
De beast was sp’iled in raisin’—
By now I ’spect he’s grazin’
Ou de oder side de creek.
HOW'S THIS, LADIES ?
Read the following lines, and see if
you don’t find more truth than poetry
in them:
“I heard it!”
“ Who told you?”
“Her frien i”(?)
“You don’t say?”
“Tis dreadful!”
“Yes, awful!”
“Don't tell it I pray !”
“Good gracious!”
“Who'd think it?”
“Well, well, well!”
“Dear me I”
“I have my
Suspicions,”
“And I, too, you see.
“Lord help us,’,
“Poor creature;”
“So artful;’
“So sly.”
“No beauty; V
“Quite thirty ; ! '
“Between you and I.
“I’m going
“I can’t;
“I’m forloin;’
“Farewell, dear,
“Good-by- sweet,”
“I’m glad she’s gone 1”
‘Talkin’ ofcattle,’ said an old farmer
who was in town last week,’ ‘yon
ought to see a bull down on my farm.
Great snaix I when a red-headed wo
man peeks over the fence he just t’ars
around enough to take the roef ofTn
creation.
THE NEWS AND FARMER
LOUISVILLE. JEFFERSON COUNTY, GA., JUNE 29, 1876.
THE COUNTY BOARD OF EDU
CATION.
Messbs, Editors : It is not often we
assail the acts of those in authority in
any department of our government,
from the fact thU we are but little in
contact with them or interested in their
acts; but at.the last meeting of the
County Board of Education, a motion
prevailed which was so illegal, and
which discriminated so unjustly iu its
application to the Common Schools and
Common School teachers of this county,
that we are compelled to utter our pro
test and demand that the Board undo
that which it has 4°ne, aa 4 place all
teachers, who' ofainraUTSßiest m'ftie’
Common School fund, upon an equal
footing under the law which declares
how they shall be examined and how
they shall ob f ain their licenses to teach
in Section 1261 of the Revised Code
of Georgia is the following plain lan
guage : “The County Commissioner
shall examine all applicants for license
to teach in their respective counties,
giving previous public notice of the day
or days upon which the examinations
are to take place,” etc. A’.so, “Appli
cants for license to teach in the prima
ry schools shall be examined upon Or
thography, Reading, Writing, English
Grammar, Geography and Arithmetic.”
This is so plain and so positive that
comment seems to be simply superflu
ous. It states, that before teachers can
obtain licenses to teach, they ‘‘shall be
examined ” in certain branches. They
cannot, upon any reasonable construc
tion of this law, obtain a license to
teach in a public school of this State,
until they are examined by the County
Commissioner, or someone delegated
by him, and upon certain days to be
specified by him. The law does not
state that they may or may not be ex
amined at the discretion of the County
Commissioner, but that they be
examined.” Yet, in the face of this
law, the Board of Education of Jeffer
son County, at its last meeting, saw fit
to grant licenses, without an examina
tion, to all who happen to have college
diplomas in their pockets.
This is the matter of which we com
plain, and if you will give us space and
your patience, we will attempt to show
you that our complaint is well founded,
and that the compliment intended to be
paid one class of teachers, reflects very
seriously upon another and equally de
serving class.
We will not discuss the illegality of
the measure, for this is so palpable that
the biggest fool in the county, whether
he be “a way-faring man” or not, c&i
not fail to delect it at a glance; but
we will notice it as discriminating so
much in favor of those who have diplo
mas and against those who know much
more about the legal branches named
above but do not happen to have the
diplomas.
The Board, by its action, assumes
that because a man or woman has a
diploma from a college, that -therefore
he or she is fully competent to teach
the. legal branches. Yet these legal
branches are taught to these college
graduates, not in the colleges, bnt in
the Common Schools. Then, by this
action of the Board, the colleges get
I credit for what the Common Schools
do. There is not a Male College in
the State that proposes go teach any of
the primary branches, and it is a con
ceded fact that students invariably
know more of these branches when they
enter college than they do when they
graduate. And we venture the asser
tion that the four young ladies who
were examined by the Board at its last
meeting, and who have never seen a
college, passed a more creditable exam
ination than the whole senior class of
Wesleyan Female college put together
could have passed, in the same branch
es. If the Board had extended this
complimentary license to graduates to
teach the special branches, such as
Algebra, Geometry. Philosophy, Latin,
etc., branches that are taught in the
colleges, we would not have complained.
But we do contend that by the law and
by an unalterable principle of justice,
graduates and those who are not grad
uates, all, are placed upon the same
level when they apply for license to
teach the legal branches.
The fact that a man has a diploma
in his pocket, i9 no evidence that lie
knows, or ever did know anything
about the legal branches, or any other
branches. It merely shows that'at the
close of his graduating term lie had five
or ten dollars to pay for his sheep-skin,
and his competency or incompetency
is a matter to be proven by things very
much unlike a diploma.
We contend farther, that the licenses
granted to graduates without an exam
ination are illegal, and that contracts
made with these teachers are illegal,
and that the money paid to teachers
upon these illegal contracts is an ille
gal expenditure of the Public School
fund. Also, that if. this matter is
tested, teachers holding these licenses
and patrons contracting with them are
liable to be defeated of their pro rata
of the fund. Tkacher.
A young gentleman got neatly out
of a fine scrape with his intended. She
taxed him with having kissed two
young ladies at some party at which
sho was not present. He owned up to
it, but said that their united ages only
made twenty-one. The simple-minded
girl thought of ten and eleven, so
laughed off her pout. He did not ex
plain that one was nineteen and the
other twb ,7ears of age. Wasn’t it art
ful?
SOAP ON THE STAIRS.
A gentleman residing on Aberdeen
street was, until Friday last, inclined
to favor female suffrage. His wife had
prudently delayed moving till after the
Ist, so as to take advantage of the fall
of house-rents. The house to \fliich
they moved had a tremendously steep
flight of stairs, and an oil clothed hall.
The wife had the stairs scrubbed down,
and left the soap on the top step. Her
husfctnd was up stairs, with a basket
full clothes-pins in one hand and a
clock under the other arm, when his
wife, who was down stairs, saw a
iwmJl and shaking her skirts madly,
-Boanded up on the J,#bl, anjJ lst off a
series of Akrin’sliTriek's "beginning' on
high ZZZ above the clef. Her °hus
band, thinking the house was on fire at
the very least, started to run to her res
cue, and, stepping ou the piece of soap
that she had so thoughtfully left on
the stairs, sat down vehemently at the
top of the flight, and slid down with the
speed of thought. Fire flew from his
false teeth as he hit the edge of each
step. Volleys of clothespins were dis
charged into the air and fell rattling
and rebounding on tbe oil-cloth, and
the clock shed its inwards over the
unirerse. The injured husband had
little time for reflection when he reached
the glare oil-cloth of the hall and shot
across it with scarcely diminished ve
locity, literally making the oil-cloth and
the seat of his pantaloons smoke with
friction, and finally bringing up against
the door with a violence that threatened
to burst the side out of the house. The
fearful concussion startled his wife, who
turned a back-somcrsault from the table
into a tub of soap-suds, in which she
was so tightly wedged that she had to
throw a handspring and canter on all
fours like a turtle with a tub on her
back and cataracts of suds inundating
her. Meanwhile, the hired woman fell
off the step-ladder with a,crash like a
pile-driver, had jarred down most of
the plaster cornice. When the man’s
wife had sloughed her tub, she saun
tered calmly into the hall and re
marked, “Well, men are the clumsiest—
and the hall had just been washed, too.”
Her husband did not say much, but
he thought a good deal; and now, he
says, just let Susan B. Anthony come
and lecture here again, and if no other
man has the courage to hiss, he will, so
help him Jasper packiemcrtuu.—Chica
go Tribune.
ART OF WORK.
The secret lies in keeping the ma
chine in order. To do this observe the
the following rules:
Ist. Amuse yourself. This is the
first principle of good, hard work. And
the second is like unto it.
2d. Don’t work too much. It is the
quantity not the quality of work that
kills. Therefore,
3d. Work only in the day time.
Night was made for sleep. And
4th. Rest on Sunday.
otli. Go to work promptly but slow
.l y. A late hurried start keegs you
out of breath all day trying to catch
up. .
6th. When you stop work, forget it.
It spoils the brain to simmer after a
hard boil.
- 7th. Feed regularly, largely, and
slowly. Lose no meal; approach it
respectfully and leave gracefully. No
more can be goi out of a man than is
put into him.
Bth. Sleep one-third of your whole
life. How 1 hate the the moralist who
croak over time wasted in sleep. Be
sides, sleep is on the whole the most
satisfactory mode of existence.
9th. Don’t abuse tobacco. Enjoy
it, but not as an unconscious habit.
• Burn no incense thoughtlessly on the
altar of this god of good digestion and
peace of mind.
10th. Keep whisky for emergencies.
Like religion, it’ is too good for every
day use, and should lie respected ac
cordingly.
11th. Focus your brains as you would
a burning glass. Blitter enough for a
small slice won’t do for a whole loaf.
12th. Keep empty-headed between
times. Mental furniture should be
very select. Useless lumber in the
upper story is worse than a pocketful
of oyster-shells. Leave your facts on
your book shelves, wliefl! you can find
them when wanted. A walking en
cyclopaedia cannot work for want of
room to turn round in its own head.
13th. Don’t tax your memory.
Make a memorandum and'put it in
your pocket. Each unnecessary thought
is so much waste of effective force.
14th. Don’t believe that muscular
exercise counteracts headwork. Brain
and muscle are bung-hole and spigot of
the same barrel.
15th. Don’t hide your light under a
bushel. Not that tho light is of any
special consequence, bnt you might set
the bushel on fire.
16th. Pin your faith to the genius
of hard work. It is the safest, most
reliable and most manageable sort of
genius.
If inen are the salt of the earth,
women are the sugar. Salt is a neces
sity ; sugar a luxury. Vicious men are
the saltpetre ; hard, stern men rocksalt;
nice family men, the table salt. Old
maids ajo the brown sugar ; good-natur
ed matrons, the loaf sugar; pretty girls,
tho fine pulverized white sugar. Pass
me the sugar, please?
What is that-which no man wants,
which, if any man has, lie would not
part for untold wealth? “Abald head.’
HE WANTED WATER.
The Boston Commercial Bulletin tells
a good story of a verdant one who was
a passenger in a railroad express train,
and became thirsty.
Where’s that ’ere boy with the water
can? he queried of-his next neighbor.
He has gone forward to the baggage
car, I suppose, was the reply.
Wall, d’ye s’pose I can git him back
here again?
Certainly, said the other, you have
only to ring for him, and he nodded
toward the bell-1 ine that ran above their
heads. Ngfe
No sooner said than done. Before
any one fipgld prevent, Rustic had
seized the line and given it a tremen
dous tug. The consequence were at
once obvious; three shrill whistles were
heard, half a dozen brakemen ran to
their posts, and the train came to a
standstill with a suddenness that start
led half the passengers with astonish
ment, and caused every man near a
window to hoist it and look out to see
what was the matter.
In a few minutes the conductor, red
and excited, came foaming into the car
to know who had pulled the bell-rope.
Here, mister, this way; I’m the
man, shouted the offender, drawing all
eyes upon him.
You! shouted the conductor; what
did you do it for?
Cos I wanted some water.
Wanted some water?
Sartin ; I wanted the water-boy, and
my pardner here in the seat said I’d
better ring for him, as we do at the
hotel, an’ so 1 yanked tbe rope. Will
he be along soon? An’, by the by,
what in thunder be ye stopping for?
The shout of laughter that greeted
this honest confession was too much for
the conductor, and he had to wait until
he got his train under way before he
explained the mysteries of the bell-rope
to the verdant passenger.
A TOUCHING AND EAUTIFUL
PRAYER.
Yesterday we were handed a prayer
written by Miss Lillie Harrison, who
ended her life last Monday. She wrote
and left it at the house of a friend.
The composition is beautiful, full of
intelligence and pathos. In it is the
“lone rock by the sea,” an expression
which she so often used. The tone of
the whole is touching and was surely
prompted by a Christian spirit:
“Thou hast commanded me to come
unto Thee ‘O Lamb of God, I come’—
a trembling, repentant sinner, I come
to kneel at Thy cross. Oh, give me
rest, rest, eternal rest —rest for the
mind, body and soul. Direct my fal
tering foot steps ; support Tie by Thy
loving arm ; let my weary head sink
to rest on Thy bosom, and send Thy
holy angel’s to guide me in the paths of
righteousness. Teach me to bear with
resignation and Chvistion patience the
taunts of my enemies. Help me to re
pay wit., gratitude the loving kindness
of my friends. O help me my Blessed
Father ! help me, to lift my thoughts
from this cold and cruel world to
brighter realms of light above. And
when at last am called to‘die—when
the taunts of mine enemies are forever
hushed by the presence of Death (that
dread king, who visits alike the palace
and cottage, the glittering of gay festi
vities, and the weeping mourners on the
lone rock by tbe sea’) —let me joyful
ly wing my flight to happy lands above;
and there, with the glistening harp and
golden crown, sing praises for ever
more to 'Him who died for me!’—[Colum
bus Enquirer.
A SEVEN-MILE RACE FOR A
GRASS WIDOW SHIP.
A novel and exciting race took place
between a married couple at Knoxville,
lowa. For obvious reasons, we shall
suppress their names. They had been
on a visit to some friends some seven
miles northwest of Fella, and got up a
quarrel between them, just as such
commonly happen, lie is one of those
kind of fellows that, when he says a
thing he means it, and stick ty it, wheth
er right or wrong. She—a masculine,
healthy, and well proportioned female
—doe3 dot believe in saying yes when
she means no. So, for a time, they had
it up and down—with words—their
eyes flashed fire, and it looked as if
there would be a battle, when the wo
man proposed that they had better set
tle their quarrel by running a race to
Pella, whoever should be the first at
their residence, all the property would
belong to, and the loser was to walk
quietly out and “vamoose the rancho,”
never to trouble the winner again.
The man, confident in himself, as a
pedestrian, agreed to this, and proposed
that they should start at that time, lie
threw offhiscoat, and she tightened
her corsets and otherwise prepared
herself for the trial of speed and endu
rance, and then they started. Adam
took the shortest way by cutting across
farms ; Eve kept the main thoroughfare.
We did not witness the race, consequon
ly we cannot say how they stopped, hut
tho result was in favor of the woman,
who had a plain, well-beaten track;
while the man—thinking to bo the gain
er by the short track—was tho loser
on account of the soaky condition of
the sloughs, which were hardly passa
ble. Tue woman is now a sweet sam
ple of tho grass widow.
•
Debt is a trap which a man sets and
baits himself, and then deliberately
gets into,---and catches a fool.
Off Duty.—Bailey, of the Danbury
News, relates this : Colonel B was
standing in the square at Bethel, the
other day, when he spied a farmer who,
some weeks ago, had sold him a load
of very “crooked” hay. The party in
question is an active professor of relig
ion and a most zealous worker for iris
own pocket. The man’s profession and
practice being in such marked contrast,
caused the Colonel to eye him with a
dislike. When lie came up the Colonel
charged him with deception in the mat
ter of the hay. The skinflint stoutly
denied the charge. The Colonel drew
himself up to full height and disdain
fully observed:
lam a soldier, sir—not a liar! •
So am I a soldier, whin ad the promo
ter of “crooked” hay.
You? ejaculated the Colonel, in a
tone of disgust, what kind of a soldier
are you?
I’m a soldier of tho Cross, said the
skinflint, with a detestable flourish of
the hand.
That may be, said the Colonel, dryly,
but you've been on a furlough ever since
I knew you.
Two Reasons.— Here’s a boy down
here that wants to lick me ! exclaimed
a boot-black as be approached a police
man on Gfriswold street yesterday.
He does, eh? What for?
Says I called him names, but I
didn’t.
And are you afraid of him?
No, not exactly ; but 1 don’t want to
fight. One reason is I promised my
dying mother I wouldn’t, and the other
reason is because lie’s bigger'n I am.—
Detroit Free Press.
SWORN ON IIIS LEG.
The witness had served in one of the
Indiana regiments, aud come home
from the wars with both arms shot off’.
He lost one arm at Fort Donelson and
thoothe at Lookout Mountain. When
he came forward to testify the clek com
menced to administer the oatli:
“You solemnly swear— ’
“Stop ! stop ! interrupted the judge
(now installed) with overpowering digni
ty. The witness will hold up his right
hand when he was sworn.
“Your Honor, replied the clerkmeek
ly, “the man has no right hand.
“Then-let him hold up left hand.
“If your Honor will remember, the
witness has no left baud, either, lie
had the misfortune to loose them both
in battle.
Perhaps the clerk thought by this last
bit of information to bring the judge
down from his height of displeasure;
but be reckoned without his host.
“Then tell him to hold up his right
leg. A witness cannot be sworn in this
court without holding up something! —.
Silence ! all of you ! This court knows
the law, and will maintain it.
The witness was sworn on one leg.
Not in Stock. —Four persoffb were
brought up at a police court a
short time ago for disturbance at an inn.
A part of the charge against them was
the order given by them for supper.
Solomon took his seat first, placed his
hands upon (he table, and issued the
following :
“AVaiter, bring me a dish of fried
millstones and two church steeples cold,
without sugar.”
George gave next his order:
“A pint o town pumps done brown’
with a spoon in it.”
Stephen was next on the list, and or
dered as follows:
‘Landlord, bring me a quart of sta
tion clerks, two fried contractors, and
a bootjack.”
Mr Driver came last, and made the
following request:
“Landlord, bring the Thames Tunnel
stuffed with onions and a pint of South
Sea bubbles, warm without.”
The simple landlord, after consider
ing a miuute, merely answered :
“I ha’n’tgot’em gentlemen,” when a
row ensued.
A Jersyinaii married five wives, and
they were all red-headed, lie explains
it by relating that the first one clawed
the spirit out of him so complete!y that
he did’nt care after that if he married a
porcupine. -
A mother was telling some lady
friends, the other day, about her inten
tion to celebrate an anniversary of
some event, and her plug-ugly of a boy
came into the room ’ust then ami
asked: Maw, what is an anniversary?
I’ll tell yon some time, she replied. 1
know, he wickedly replied; you are
going to pick up the shovel and chase
pa down the cellar again! After the
ladies had departed the mother took the
boy up stairs to remove false impres
sions.
They were sitting together, he and
she, and lie was arduously thinking what
to say. Finally he burst out with, ‘ln
this land of noble achievements and
undying glory, why is it that women do
not come more to the front; why is it
that thej’ do not climb the ladder of
fame’? ‘J suppose,’ said she putting
her finger in her mouth, ‘it is all on ac
count of their pull-backs.’ And then
she sighed and he sighed, side by side.
He isn’t six years old, and he said:
Pleaso, sister Sarah, can't I have anoth
er piece of this nice custard pie you
made? Why dear, you are too full for
utterance now. Look at that lueious
dumpling on your plate not half eaten.
Oh, well, sister, I know the* dumpling
side of my stomach is full, but the cus
tard-pic side feels rather empty yet.
That other piece of pie is missing.
PLAIN JUG.
Yesterday morning a boy about
eleven years old stood for a long half
hour in front of a Detroit saloon in
specting the display of battles in the
show window. He saw pound, flat and
other kinds of pint bottles and, quart
bottles, some with, silver plated caps,
and some with gold lables, and -lie had
become deeply interested when another
boy lounged up and inquired:
“See Anything that reminds you of,
home?”
“Nawthing,” was the solemn an
swer.
“Don’t drink whiskey at your house
eh?”
“Dad does,” answered the boy after
waiting to spell out another lable. but
he keeps her in a plain jug, and all
the printing he has on it says good
for rats!”
Your visits remind me of the growth
of a successful newspaper, said Uncle
Jaboz, leaning his chair on his cane
and glancing at William Ilonry, who
was sweet ou Angelica.
Why so? inquired William Her.ry.
Well, they commenced ou a weekly,
grew to try-weekly, and have now be
come a daily, with a Sunday supple
ment.
Yes, said William Henry, bracing
up, aud after we ate married we win
issue an extra—
Sh—h, said Angelica, and then they
wont out for a stroll.— N. 0. Times.
Yes, lle Loved Her. —On a Wood
ward avenue car yesterday way a man
who had looked upon lager beer one
glass too much. His eyes were half
closed, and his head bobbed right and
left as tho car bobbed along. Opposite
him sat a woman with a baby in her
arms. The child looked up and smiled,
and the fond mother pinched its cheek
and asked :•
Does darling love me?
Tiie toper straightened up, got his
gaze to bear on the woman, and in a
mournful voice called out:
Mi your darling? Does I love you?
You juz bezz your las, dollar, I do !
Substantial Evidence. —A very
wealthy young man, with a reputation
for fastness, married recently. On the
morning after the wedding the bride
asked iier husband to perform an office
of the toilet for her, made necessary
by the absence of her maid. The lui-j
band did it willingly, and when it was
concluded was astonished to find his
pretty wife iu tears. ‘Why, iny own
precious !’ said he, ‘what is the matter
with her luibby’s pet?’ ‘O Jimmie!’
replied the poor girl, crying as if her
heart would break, ‘if you hadn't laced
a thousand corsets, you never could
have done it like that,’ boo hoo-00.
Vanderbilt was worth only a million
when lie was 60. Think of that and
cheer up when you look despairingly at
your last niekle.
At this season, the question which in
terests a boy is not so much whether his
life will be crowned with glory and hon
or, as whether his new summer vest is
going to be made out of his father’s old
trousers,
At a medical examination, a younw
aspirant for a physician's diploma w*as
asked. When does mortification ensue?
When you propose and a v e rejected,
was the reply that greeted the question
er.
0
‘I guess dad wishes we’d all die and
go to Heaven, said a miser’s son to his
maternal parent. Why so? she asked,
upon recovering from her astonish
ment. Oit, 'cause Heaven is such a
cheap place to live in.
Young Smith: Rather sudden that
about Jones, isn't it? Died at six
o’clock this morning. Old Brown:
Good gracious, you don’t say so ! Why
1 met Him only last night, and—and—
and he was alive then !•
No, sir, said a weary looking man on
a street car to an individual by his side.
1 wouldn’t marry the best woman alive.
I’ve been a dry goods clerk too long
'for that.
How to raise catr: First catch your
cats; and then put them in. a barrel 1
aud explode a can of nitro-glycerine un
der them. It never fails to raise em ;
but tho cats'come down greatly demor
alized.
Miss Tucker says it is with bachelors
as it is with old wood; it is hard to get,
them started, but when they do take
game they burn prodigiously.
A young lady threw herself into the
box at the post-office instead of her
letter, nor did she discover her mistake
until the clerk asked her if she was
single.
Josh Billings has written a play.
The principal part will be taken by the
hind legs of a mule, and tho dramatic
movement will be hastened by the busi
ness end of a hornet, skiWTully introdu
ced- __
A gentleman objected to playing
cards with a lady, because, said he, sho
has such a “winning way” about her.
The times were once so bad down
east that the girls complained that the
young men couldn’t pay their addresses.
I specs, my beluved hearers, said a
colored parson, I specs to-day to take
a broad field in my ’scourso. It, takes
me a good.while to get away from tho
dock, when I once strikes do deep
water den look out lbr do big fish.
NO. 8