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POO Post-Office orders from all jiortlons o 1 tho country will secure a supply of BONK OCISE, tho only safe, quirk and positive euro for acute and chronic Gonorrhcua and Gleet crer used. Cures effected under five days, requiring no Internal remedies, no change of diet, or loss of time. Its action destroys and antagonizes every atom of venereal poison with which It comes iu con tact, and is harmless to healthy parts POO A Post-Office order for $4.00 will buy throe bottles of BONKOCINE, the only harmless vegetable compound ever offered which positively cures and pre vents the contagion of an v and all ve nereal diseases. The constant, persevering and uni versal use of this remedy would effect ually wipe out all venereal diseases from the faro of the earth. G. and G. can neither l>o contracted nor exist when it is used, because it destroys by men* contact. It allays all pain, sub dues tho Inflammation and promotes quiet slumbers. POO A well knowu railroader writes as follows; ATIAXTA, Fkh’Y 21, ISB3. Bonkocinet’o.:—“ Early i:i January I commenced the use of iiONKO INK for a bad case of G. which had baffled tho fcklll and medicines of five physi cians and three bottles cured me sound and well I lost no time, used no other remedy and did not change my diet. It is a Messing to those whose paths are not bright." Discard all capsules, copnbia, etc. .and use that which never fails, and will keep you cured for life by acting a* a preventive. One bottle9l .fA or thr*e I r SI.OO. Bold bv druggists. Expressed on re ceipt of price. BONKOCINE CO., 78>i Whitehall . treet, Atlanta, Ga. F r s le in Wo >m rvil'e by j s. n, oiTouy & co. V w \ w V* newHome Qy,wi n A p.Machi^ P £ V(lneve^ p l t -™, NO EQ uA " ; NEWHOm EiHCMACHIN £(-, f 30 UNION SQUARE NEWYORK o"' CAc O UA, £, ill. MASS. GA. TOR SALE BY I'll \ I ; * r & C ’ A I N, c,..,, ~ ,r|, ( ; Nerve-Life and VigG: - RESTORED.- t—. This cut ehown the Mhh Howard Kloctrii ■ lil:! 1 ,'iVkr- HfJHuiKl Nh-V(-U': ; centern. Tim; oi.ly r.} X. nUaiK'4* ma<l<- Dm; fits ev*ry part <>l |H[ the body, arid the V pro 1 nly one ru-tu'd u ■ *4 i I' .MTi' KI T < ’ r > §|g§|M * *• it 1 Khln. M Bfispß J l£ li • ii niittlM.:. I OF THE i J* |* e phi n V 0/lM the wor.wt ciim h <- F VQbpf mS| Seinlnal Weak Bf iicm, KihaiiK tlon, Iniputui Vts l . > '0w l Ail>,it 1 cy, and “I* •>( lr#!!iVAUiAnl?irl <'“<■ i"'l WeU U ueMiof the (Jrlnc V '* Geiittul OrgatiM [Patented Feb. 25, J879.] ■" ■ YOUNG MEN, from early Indiscretion, l.u V nerve force and fail to attain strength. MIDDLE AGED MEN often lack vigor, attrihut ing It to the progress of yews. The MOTHER, WIFE and MAID. sufTcringfron Female Weakness, Nervous Debility and other ail ments, will find it the only cure To one and all we say that the Shield gives a nat ural aid in a natural way WITHOUT DRUGGING THE STOMACH. WarrMitcd One Year, and the ber appliance made. Illustrated Pamphlet, THREE TYPES OF MEN. also Pamphlet for Ladies only, sent on receipt o 6c, sealed; unsealed, FREE. American Galvanic Cos.. ncnorc. 134 Hadl.n St., Chicago. Ul I lut J 1 1103 Chcalnut St.. Phlla. Beecher on the Printers.—Mr. Beecher paused in the middle of one ol his announcements Sunday, knit his brow and then stumbled over the title of a lecture that was to be delivered. ‘ I guess that's it, or something like it,’ he added in a tone of annoyance ; “It’s in that detestable type which printers use nowadays, the chief object of which seems to be to make it impossible for anybody to tell what it is.” Volatility of words is carelessness in action, Words are the wings of action. £ljc £hnmnmnllc (Lhijcttc. vol xr. NANCY ; AN IDYL OF THE KITCHEN. brown holl&ud aprou she stood in the kitchen ; Her Bleevea were rolled up, and her cheeks all aglow ; er hair was coiled neatly ; when I, indiscreetly, Stood watching while Nancy was kneading the dough. ow, who could be neater, or brighter, or sweeter, Or who hum a song so delightfully low, Or who look so slender, so graceful, so tender, As Nancy, sweet Nancy, while kneading the dough ? How deftly she pressed it, and squeezed it, caressed it And twisted and turned it, now quick and now slow. kh, me, but that madness, I’ve paid for in sadness! ’Twas my heart she was kneading as well as the dough. At last, when she turned for her pan to the dresser, She saw me and blushed, and said shyly, “Please, go, Or my bread I’ll be spoiling, in spite of iny toiling, If you stan here and watch while I’m kneading the dough.” begged for permission to stay. She'd not listen; * The sweet little tyrant said, “ No, sir! no, no!” Jet when I had vanished on being thus banished My heart staid with Nancy while kneading the dough. m dresmiug, .weet Nancy, ami sec you in fancy, Your heart, love, has aoftened and pitied my woe, Vnd we, dear, are rich in a dainty wee kitchen Where Nancy, my Nancy, stands kneading the dough. —John A . Fraser , Jr., in the Century. Joe’s Treat. HOW SANTA CLAUS APPEARED TO MASTER JOE AND MISS SIS ON CHRISTMAS KVB. It was Christmas Eve and orowds of busy buyers and pleasure-seekers thronged Avenue A. Among them might have been seen a boy of per haps ten years and a girl iftmc three years his junior, who were evidently bent upon a very important errand, if one could judge by the number of times they paused and oousuJigd, tlie look of earnestness deepening in their faces. Good faces they were, too, if a little soiled. The boy’s frank and honest, with a merry twinkle in each dark eye, whilst the girl’s blue ones wore an innocent, wist ful expression. She would have been quite pretty if it had not beon for the sickly color of her skin (want of proper nourishment), and the mattod locks, which only needed soap and water to render them soft and golden. A straw bonnet, a portion of the brim missing, On account of its being several sizes too large, gave the child constant employ ment trying to keep it on. Its counter part in the shape of a hat covered the curly head of her companion, whose pants could have easily held another boy. Presently they paused before a large store with its window filled with cakes. Square cakes, round cakes, frosted cakes, cakes with snow-white towers and ounning sugar cupids, cakes large and Bmall, yellow with eggs or black with fruit. As the children stood gazing at the rich display an old gentleman passed, turned and retraced his steps, and also took his stand before the cake window. Ever and anon his kindly face was lit up by a smile ns some remark of the chil dren’s reached his cars. At last the important question seemed decided, for the boy, with a nod and the words, “You jess wait here, H-s,” made his way into the store. It was crowded, so ho had to wait his turn, while the girl pressed her eager little face tightly against the window pane, tiptoeing on her small, baro toes in excitement. There was quite a pretty flush on the child’s delicate cheeks w hen the boy re appeared with a small parcel iu his hand, and she exclaimed eagerly: "Did you get it ?” “You bet,” was the answer followed by a long-drawn-out “Oh !” from the little girl as they made their way along the venue, the old gentleman close behind them. Alter a while they turned into a side stri ct and bent tlieir steps toward a vacant lot, half shut in by a brick wall and littered over with oil packing-cases, bits of tarpaulin and refuse. “Is it a nice place where you live ?” questioned the girl, as 1 . r companion piloted her over barrel hoops and old crockery. A saucy look twinkled in the boy’s eyes as he answered : “Well, Sis, it ain’t exactly what you’d call a brown-stone front; it’s more on the Oscar Wilde style.” “What’s that?” and the little girl’s eyes opened to their widest extent. “That’s a kinder style as is made up of old things as was chucked away as no good to nobody.” Then he added : “Here we are ; jess hold on a minute till I light the chandelier, or you might knock your head agin the frescoing.” A smell of sulphur, then the faint glimmer of a candle showed tho outline of a large packing-case, partially covered with pieces of tarpaulin. Drawling one of these pieces aside, the boy bade his companion enter, adding : “Sit down, Sis, till I git the fire a-going; you’re company, you know.” Obeying orders, His seated herself on an upturned butter-tub and gazed in quiringly arovuid, The packing case SUMMERVILLE, GEORGIA, WEDNESDAY EVENING, FEBRUARY ft, 1884. within which she sat stood lengthwise, h hole in its side Vicing concealed by n curtain of sail cloth, the other side wall and part of front were composed of pieces of tarpaulin, propped up l>y old broom handles and one beat iron staple. At the rear stood a high brick Wall. Adorning the packing ease’s sides were a part of a cirens poster, a Sunday school card and a colored lithograph. By the time His had finished her in spections the fire, which consisted of charred coal and odds and ends of wood, was lit. It was built Upon the ground, under a convenient air-hole, so the smoke was not so bad as It might have been. Then Sis produced a bundle that she had hugged carefully under her arm during the long walk, Unrolling the old aprou that was wrapped arollnd it, she disclosed to view a small batten'd ooffee-pot. about an ounce of coffee and a tiny package of brown suga.', observ ing, with a little womanly gesture: “I knowed very well that a boy wouldn’t never think of that; Bolbcgged Mrs. Dike to give me the coffee pot. Isn’t it nice, Joe ? and slio was a going to throw it away and I got the coffee of a woman, as I minds her baby some times instead of the penny, and a real nice grocery mau lot mo sflrape out a sugar barrel.” Here, all out of breath at such a long speech for her, Sis made the coffee and sat it triumphantly upon the fire to boil, Joe exclaiming: “Well, I’m blessed ! we’re a doing it right up to the handle.” While sis hovered round the fire, for fear of an unruly coal upsetting the cherished coffee-pot, Joe drew from some hidden resource n lemon and two lumps of sugar. After slicing the lemon he dropped it along with tho sugar into a tomato can full of Water, and having stirred the beverage with his pen-knife gravely licked the blade to see if it was all right. Then, as lie turned the butter-tub into a table, covering it with a piece of sacking marked in large black letters, “This Side Up,” he re marked: “There isn’t another feller as I’d in vile to this air Christmas Eve shindy but you, Sis. There’s lots on ’em aB ’ud be glad to come; it isn’t every day as they gits such a treat.” “Oh, Joe, it's jess lovely,” answefed Sis, with an admiring glance at the spread that nearly resulted in the collapse of tiie coffee-pot, which took a notion just then to execute a dip. And Joe himself began to feel rather proud of his treat when everything was set forth. There was mi apple cut into four quarters and arranged upon a broken bit of a blue china plate, whilst an orange sliced into as many pieces as possible graced half of a wooden butter platter. Tho chief features, however, were, a very, small plum cake and a ditto mince pie. The cake, placed upon tho upturned bottom of a red collar-box, oc cupied the middle of the table, a tiny American flag stuck in its centre. Tho lemonade, flanked by two oyster shells, was for want of space consigned to the floor, while the candle flickered itself into little gullies down the sides of tho ginger beer bottle that did duty as a candlestick, perhaps in its anxiety for the feast to begin. Whether it should be a pie or a cake had been tho important question, and they had at last split the difference by investing five of the ten cents in a cuke and tho other five in a pie. It had been a large sum for Joe to spend in luxuries, not many tens finding their way to his pocket; in fuct, it was his lust cent, but ho was perfectly satis fied with the result and I do not believe there were two happier children in New York that night than they, when tbo coffee had been drunk to the last drop and pronounced “elegant” (an old oyster can serving for a cup), and the great event of the evening the cake was to be cut. “Here, Sis, yon cut it, women always does,” and Joe shoved the penknife to ward his companion and she, perfectly well aware of the importance of the oc casion, knit her little brow anil measured off the cake exactly with her finger be fore placing the knife to it. “Hold on, Sis, till I make a speech.” [This as sis was about to help to the dessert.] “It’s always done when they brings on the pie and cake.” So saying Joe refilled the oyster shells with lemon ade, and having placed tho tattered re mains of his hat firmly upon the back of his head, he struck an attitude that drew from Sis’s lips a long drawn oh I and began with: “Ladies and gentlemen"— “Why, Joe, there ain’t none—there’s only me and yon,” interrupted Sis. “It don’t make no odds, they always say it if there ain’t no rich ’round,” and Joe with, “don’t bother,’" continued with : “We’ve met together ai this air treat; now, Sis (this in an aside), you must say, Hear, hear,” which order Sis, her blue eyes full of astonishment at this new accomplishment in her friend, meekly obeyed; Joe continued with : “which is an out and out outer, if I do •;ay it myself, and —and—” Hero Joe stirred the lemonade, but not finding an idea there, burst ont with, “Oh, I’ll cut it short; hero’s a jolly Christmas and— a big hnnk of pudden.” Dropping into his seat upon the floor he added, patron izingly : “Now, Sis, you must make a speech, too.” “Oh I I couldn’t, Joe,” exclaimed the little girl. “Yes, you can, too—-it’s easy enttttgh. L'illy did at Jim’s party, and she ain’t half as pretty as yott be,” replied Joe encouragingly. •Did she?" answered Sis. “Then, perhaps—l’ll try if you promise not to laugh.” . , “ All right, go ahead. Here take a sip of lemonade; it will sort of put the pluck inter yer,” and Joe pushed the tomato can toward her. Rising and shaking out her little worn dress, Sis placed lief aritls akimbo. She remembered seeing a Woman doing it once, who was talking to a big crowd, “Ladies and geutleinen,” said Sis, “I am so very much glad that I was invited to this beau ter-ful treat, with such a love-iv plum cake, I hopes Joe will have one next Christmas Eve. 1 ’ “Hear! hear!” called out Joe; there by causing Sis, in her confusion, to add hurriedly: “Many happy returns of the day, amen.” "Hurray 1” shouted Joe, “it s bettet nor Tilly’s tell times,” at which Sis re sented herself, blushing with pleasure and feeling, perhaps, tho least speck puffed up at her success. Poor little waif, it was something new for her to re ceive praise. The speeches having been given to their entire satisfaction, Joe felt his duty as host somewhat relaxed and, leaning back against the side of tile {Jacking case, 110 remarked, carelessly: “What do you think of my pictures, Sis ?’* “They’re jess love-ly, Joe; where did you get ’em ?” replied Sis, trying to sip the lemonade from her oyster shell, just as she had seen ladies of her acquaint ance take their sattcers full of tea. “Oh, I picked ’em up ’round about. Was you ever at a circus, Sis ?” “No;” and seeing that she had rather fallen in Joe’s estimation nt this confes sion slio hastily added, “but I was to Moody’s ami Sankey’s onct.” This not producing exactly the effect sho ex pected, she continued with: “Do you believe iu Santy Claws, Joe?” “What? Tho feller what comes down chimney and sich rubbish ? Do you think as I’ve got anything soft about me?” Then, catching the -look of dis appointment on the girl's face, he Hastily added; “Maybe there’s something in’t for girh.” “Oh, I wish there was,” exclaimed Sis, tucking up her little bare toes beneath her skirt, for, although it was rather a mild night for that time of year, still, now the fire was dying out and the feast fast disappearing, the cold air began to make itself folt. “I don’t s’pose Santy Claws Ims much time to bother about sich a shabby little girl as mo, but I’d like a really, really doll,” and tho child's eyes shone with such a happy light at tho bare thought that someone outside the packing-case came very near betraying himself. “And,” continued tho girl, “I’d want him to bring you sich a lot of things— a love-ly big cake.” Then, thinking that perhaps she was reflecting upon the smallness of the one they had just oaten, she quickly added: ‘ ‘JJut it couldn't bo beautifuller nor your’n.” “Why, Sis, I say, what’s the matter? you’ve got sich red cheeks and ” “Have I?” and Sin's little brown hand went up to her face at Joe’s words, us she continued with —“perhaps it's the lemonade.” “Cracky ! what’s that?” and Joe gazed open-eyed at a folded piece of paper that had fallen from the sky, as it ap peared to him, right into his lap. “If it’s any of them boys,” he ejaculated, jumping up, “I’ll put a head on ’em.” “Oh ! J'h'i look here, there’s writing on it may tie, oh 1 maybe it’s from Sauty Claws,’’ exlaimed Sis. Although Joe muttered “fiddlesticks,” his eyes wore round with astonishment when he read on the paper : “For Mas ter .toe and Mihs His, ’ and on opening it found a fifty-cent piece and more writ ing, or rather printed letters, which read: “Santa Claus is very sorry that he had nothing left to give Joe and Sis to-night, but if they will be at packing-case house to morrow morning at ten, someone will bo there to take them to a friend of Santa Claus, where perhaps there will a 'vally dull and a beautiful cake.” “Well, I’m Messed," was all Joe could utter, while Sis, clapping her hands with delight, cried out: “Oh, Joe, I knowed there was a Santy Claws. Isn’t he good? Jess think, he calls this packing-case house; how tunny.” “Well,” answered Joe, “there’s the money anil there's the letter, and it does look queer.” “You’ll be here, Joe, won’t you?” questioned Sis, a little anxiously. “Yes, I guess so ; 1 don’t know of any other appointment to hinder,” replied Joe, with a grin, who was rapidly re covering his usual manner, and, after a moment’s thou; lit, he continued with: “I tell you what. Sis : We’ll get Mother Mack to put us up to-night. We'll have jolly good beds for once and a breakfast that’ll make your mouth water. Como along.” So saying, Joe blew out the light and deposited the the candle ii his pocket, while His, ty ing her bonnet strings, followed him iorth into the night, casting a lialf- expectant look arollnd for the kind Santa Clans who had not forgotten them, ’thus, together they pass out from tho vacant lot, full of bright anticipations of the morrow. A * # ♦ ♦ A year had come and gotio since the niglit of Joe’s treat nud the very same store where Joe purchased bis Christ mas Eve cake was again full of dialed dainties iu that line, and the same old gentleman was there! but this time, in stead of gazing in at the window, he was making iiis way inside, lidding by the hand a pretty little girl, with sweet blue eyes and silky fair hair, hugging a lovely doll possessing a muff and a fur tippet, while accompanying them was a bright, intelligent-looking boy. Both children wore neatly, even handsomely clad. All at once the little girl ex claimed excitedly : “Oh ! Uncle, there’s tho very same cake man as last year. See, Joe, there he is 1 I wonder if he will know you 1" “Of course ho won’t, Sis, I’ve changed my tailor since then,” and the boy’s laughing eyes twinkled with fun, while the old gentleman chuckled until he was red in the face, and the two children had to pat him on the back to keep him from choking. “It must boa plum cake and big, ”wafl the little girl s order, and she had her way. Years after, when she grew up and had a nice home of her own, she used to tell her children about Joe’s treat and how through it two of New York’s little waifs found such a happy home.—Florence Re Verb Pencar, Every Day Eessons In Farm Life. A fair in every village may strike Iho reader as all absurd idea, but according to my views it is an excellent one. Let me explain, In all small villages there are one or more stores where the entire nighborhood go to buy supplies, On rainy days and during tho winter these stores are more or less crowded with farmers and their sons, who discuss their farms, crops, etc. We have such a community here. At one of our stores was hung one day a big potato, labeled with the name of the variety, also the name of the man who grew it. Now, every one who walked into that store was attracted by this fine specimen, and it ivas not many days be fore, othet farmers brought in sample potatoes, corn and the like. In each case it was the best the farm afforded. In tliis way farmers iu tho neighborhood became interested in this agiiniltnrol show; it incited them to improve their seed and liny or exchange new varieties with each other. I can cut ten shocks more of drilled corn in one. day by the following plan than I Can in the old way, viz.: carrying it all in the arms. After making the “buck,” cut all the corn within reaching dis tance and set it around the buck. After this has been done cut, tho rest of tho corn that belongs to the shock and throw it on in piles, then take llieso piles by the tops and set them around tho small shock that had been started before. None but tho laboring man who Ims suffered actual pain while husking corn can appreciate what a euro for cracked and chapped hands means. Do not wash vonr hands during cold weather ofteuer than can be helped. Grease them in tho morning with clean sheep’s tallow; melt it and rub it in thoroughly; tho more grease you can rub in the better. At noon give them another greasing and at night wash the hands. My word for it, by this plan a man can husk corn with pleasure. Gave it lip. The anger of Air. John Joseph Ryan of N. Y. oily has been aroused by what ho considers the inability of this Re public to protect its citizens abroad. He was naturalized in the Court of Common Pleas of New York city on Octo ber 13, 1880. The contempt which ho now entertains for his citizenship has in duced him to return iiis certificate to the court, and ask that his name be stricken from the roll. His letter says : —Seeing how American citizens are strung up unmercifully on the gallows in England, and how Messrs. White head, Curtin, Wilson and Gallagher, American citizens, lutve been, on the evidence of a lying informer, sentenced to life imprisonment in England without American interfere nee, I wish to have my name erased from the American citizenship roll of your court and Amer ica at large. Mr. Ryan deposited this letter and his naturalization papers with Cierk Rogers, in tho office of the court, said that the documents would explain them and hurried ont of the Court-House. He signs himself as a citizen of the Irish Republic. When a countryman enters a small village and doesn’t drive up to the tavern steps at. a breakneck speed and shout whoa! in a manner to indicate that his horse can out-run, out-jump and out-trot anything and everything in the shape if horseflesh that ever lived in the comity, you call make up your mind that the countryman is either sick or ho has got a basket of eggs under tho seat of lira wagon. Philadelphia Call. Christiania, the capital of Norway, is reported to have lost. 14,224 in popula tion the present year by emigration, NO.:; THE LIME-KILN CLUB. WORl’ft OF WISDOM fico.u paiiauimc IIAM,. • llroilirr GiirJncr toll* n* .•Mfmrihlim; About the i< iu hi iml Wrong ol Thing*. jFfoin Tlio Detroit Frco Press.] “Pur am seb’fnl tilings riiit (loan’ look 'zaclly right to mo,” said Brother Gard ner, a" lie rubbed his bald head with one hand and opened the meeting with the other. “It doan’ look ’zactly right to see one man wutll ten millyon dollars an’ nnoder wuth only ton cents (applause by Sam uel Shin), but yit if I wits dc ten millyon dollar man I wouldn’t keer wheder it looked right or not.” [Sudden end to the applause.] “It doan’ look ’zactly right fur one man to own a great foundry, while au •bder mau am oblecged to work fur him fur $2 a day [“Hear! hear!” from Judge Cadaver], lint if I was de $2 a day man I wouldn’t flow myself out of a job to spite de owner or to please a demago gogue. ” [The Judge subsides. ] “It doan’ look ’zactly right to see otio man hold oflis all de time, while anoder man has to shove a jack-plane fur a libiu’ (great rustic iu Pickle Smith’s corner), but lie who shoves de jack-plane has de respect of de community an’ keeps outer jail.” [Rustle dies away.] “It doan’ look zactly right to see fo’ty lawyers rush to defend a criminal who has stolon mouey in his pockets, while do offender who am moneyless am left todig his way frew a ten-foot wall wid an 010 knife-blade (grins on n dozen faces); but if I was a lawyer I should airn my money any odder way except by sawiu’ wood. Do public doan’ look fur any pertiekler display of conscience on do part of lawyers, an’ darfore suffer no disnppiiitments.” [Grins no longer ob servable. ] “It doan’look ’zactly right fur one man to have a big brick house an’ an oder man a rough bo’il shanty, but ’long ’bout tax-time do man in de shanty kin sit on de fence an chuckle over de fack dst he bain t rich. “It doan’ look ’zactly right to sec one ipan go pushin’ an’ siVfillin’ an’ crowdin’ everybody else off de sidewalk to let de public know dat he am a king-bee, but such men have to carry de anxiety of bein’ in debt to de tailor an’ of dodgin’ de grocer an’ of subscribin’ s‘2!> to build a church widout a hope of bein’ able to pay ten cents on de dollar. “In fack, toy friends, dar am heaps an’ heaps o’ things dat doan’ look ’zactly right to ns at fust glance, but when ye come to figger it up an’ divide an’ sub tract we’ve all got a heap to bo thankful fur an’ to encourage us lo get lip airly in do mawnin’. A man kin brace his legß an’ lay back like a mule, an’ kick away at da hull world an’ hate eberybod.v an’ bo bated In return, or lie kin nick up sartiu crumbs o’ cousoiashun, crowd inter a seat in da back eaiul of do wagin, an’ take a heap o’ comfort, knowin dat somebody is wnss off dan himsolf. Let ns accumulate to bizness.” Dying of Thirst “Did yon ever suffer extreme hunger or thirst ?” was asked of a Kentucky colonel who had been relating some solid stories about himself. “Well,” ho replied, “I never Buffered what might be called extreme hunger, but no man knows how to endure the agonies of thirst better than I do, “I remember the time well,” he con tinued, retrospectively. “I was on a fishing excursion and became lost in the woods. For three days not a drop passed my lips. My lengthened absence finally caused alarm and a party was sent out in search of mo. They found me lying in an unconscious condition on llie banks of a little trout stream, anil it was hours before any hopes of saving me were entertained.” “Was the trout stream dry?” asked one of the interested listeners. “Dry ? Oe.rtainly not. How could I catch fish if the stream was dry ?” “Well, I don’t see how you could suf fer from thirst with a stream of water close at hand.” “Water close nt hand?” repeated the Kentucky Colonel. “And what Ims water got to do with a man’s being thirsty ?”—Philadelphia Evening Vail. "OaMiANtuy awakhns kakly in the breasts of some Boston boyH,” says the Journal of that city. “A lady in that oily has a does in the Sunday school of one of the leading churches, the mem bership of which consists of boys who arc each about eight years of age. Like most youngsters they are of too exuber ant spirits to keep altogether as quiet as the demands of the school require, and are prone to become restless and noisy at times. A few Sundays ago one of them was particularly uneasy, when the teacher, thinking to shame him into quiet, said: ‘Now, George, I don’t know what I shall do with you if you are so noisy. lam afraid I shall have to punish you for it, and think the best way to do so would be to make you sit in my lap.’ ‘Ah,’ said the young scape grace with an arch look, 'if you should do that, Mrs. , I think you would find the whole class getting noisy.’ ” Whhx a wild Western editor advises ,he girls riot to chew gum, but to have a little gum slum about them, the art of punning reaches a point where it be comes useful as well as ornamental. ACCIDENTALLY HEARD. X FEW NOTKH PltO.ll TflK I’llll.AllEl.* fill A EVENING GAM IN NEW YORK. Beggar— “ Thank yez, thank yez. It is not ivory gintlet -n that wad help a poor widely. May yez live forever anil a day.” Philanthropist—“Oh, that would be a littlo too long. I would not want to Uve forever and a day.” Beggar—“ Thin may yez livo till tho Bartholdi pedistal is completed.” TOT HIS B IOT IN IT They were returning homo trom tho theatre and had nearly reached her home when tho young man observed : “Isn’t the weather cold and raw.” She must, have misunderstood him. “Raw,” she said rather hesitatingly. “Yes, I like them raw, hut” she con tinued, looking sweetly in his eyes, “don’t you think thoy are nicer fried ?” What could he do ? DESERVINO OP CREDIT. "Yes," said the grocery man, “Jones has stopped drinking, is working every day and is taking good care of his family. Ho certainly deserves a great deal of credit.” At this juncture Jones came into tho store and asked tho grocery mau if ho would trust him to a sack of flour for a few days. “No,” was the reply, “times are too hard. I can’t givo any crodit.” now she woinj) do it Mr. Jones —“I wonder why in tho world Congress don’t do something at once to stamp out. polygamy ?” Mrs. Jones—“ Because Congress is composed of men, and men don’t know anything. I could kill polygamy with one Mow.” Mr. Jones—“Oh, indeed! and how would do it ?” Mrs. Jones—“l would go to Salt Lake City and start a millinery store there.” VERY NECESSARY. Materfamilias—“Morey ! John, what do you moan by. practicing with that hor rid revolver all day long, and you a theo logical student, too?” John—"J am trying to learn to shoot straight, ma.” Materfamilias—“But you are to be a clergyman. You will have no need of such a horrid accomplishment as that.” John—“Oh, yes, I will, too. Cousin Fred says that when I gradnato he is going to get mo a call for a congregation in his town, and you know he lives in Texas.” _____ THE ADVANTAGE. First Politician- “I hear that the salary of the Governor of Michigan is only SI,OOO a year.” Second Poli'i.’hn "O-W ftl.OOO? Well, that is getting things do.,- iretty fine.” First Politician—“ What puzzles e is that they should ever find anyone • take the position at that pay, for I learn that there are very few perquisites.” Second Politician—“But you forget the immonse advantage of the office.” First Politician —“Iu what way?” Second Politician—“A governor can not be arrested.” UNPRONOUNCEABLE NAMES. A Russian gentleman l:y the name of Sloblierseabskiliivitch was traveling in Maine when a brakoman shouted : “ Wbquetegnock; change cars for An- Iroscoggin and Sacearappacasset.” “Whatsky did ho sayvitoh?” asked the Russian gentleman in broken En glish of his traveling companion. “Ho was announcing the names of sta tions,” was the reply. Tho foreigner smiled a superior smile as he leaned back iu his seat, and re marked : “Wo Russians are very muchvitch amnsedsky at tho hoathenisliscoff names you peopleucff have in this country skoff.” NOT REMARKABLE. “I see by the papers that there is a clock in the postoflice in Monmouth, Oregon, which was brought across the plains in 1852, and has been running ever since.” “Nothing remarkable about that.” “Nothing remarkable?” "No. I crossed the plains myself in 1852.” "Well, what of that? This clock waa taken across the plains in that year and lias been running ever since.” "Exactly. That clock was probably wittr onr party. Wo were attacked by Indians, and I don’t wonder it has been running ever since. I feel like running myself every time I think of it.” A Creature of Impulse. A friend of Mr. Ohristianey, who was acquainted with his divorced wife, said to a reporter the day after the sudden death of Mrs. Christiancy: “I never' know a woman in whom the scale of emotion was so long. It ranged from the loftiest exaltation to the deep est depression. She was a creature swayed by impulse. Oue day she would be buoyant with hopo and the next day wretched. It was iu one of these ex tremes that she married Mr. Ohristianey ami in the other that she told him on her wedding night that slro did not love him, and cursed her fate. However, she soon returned to her state of exalted happiness. The Senator told me, even after his divorce proceedings were begun, that iu her happy moods she was one of ilte kindest and sweetest women in the world. Yon may not believe it, or you may think lie is a fondly foolish old man, hut Senator Ohristianey loved that woman with his whole heart and loves her now.” Tiirke are 34,000 deaf mutes in the (JnitedStatos, or one out of every 1,500 peoplq.