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Nerve-Life and yfei
- H32STORE3O.-
t>—i This cut shows the
g- Howard Electric
§5 Magnetic Shield
s-applied over the Kid
T iieyanud Nervo-vllei
y-.-; Ji centers. Tne oc.ly p
pliar.ee made thoi
JC*- rtf- every part <•!
K the 1 ( iy, unii tin
a sirs* | nly one needed t<
■ a a iH I rosiTtvKi.r rnu
1 * *■ I 1 Kidney Dl<af
It i lit lir uniMilnin.
OF TKE f jjs i si
ft Ail Si S s, ‘ miuni
ffr* 9 n ca.H, l .xhuita
| lion, Imnoteti
JiHi'kiv-SH
i f Or&tuiM
f Patented Feb. 05, 1P70.J
YOUNG MEN, from early Indiscretion, I.< \
nerve force and fail to attain strength.
MIDDLE-AGED MEN* often lack rigor, attril nt
log it to the progress of years.
The MOTHER. WIFE and MAID suffering fron
Female Weakness, Nervous Debility and other oil
mente, will find it the only cure.
To one and all we say that the Shield gives a nat
ural aid in a natural wav
WITHOUT DRI GOING THE STOMACH.
Warranted Ouo Year, and the t>c
appliance made.
Illustrated Pamphlet,THßEE TYPES OF MEN
nleo Pamphlet fr Ladies only, sent on receipt o
tic, sealed; unsealed, FREE.
American Galvanic Cos,.
OFFICE S 1 103 ('hestmft St., I’lilla.
MUSICAL AND DRAMATIC.
Dan Hu f., ti e clown, is lec u-inj in th •
1 a itta leaves Kirdii!i 1 in Angus . her si a
rod hero be inning at G aahin ton the iollow
in.’, month.
r T-ri:;; nrc thirty revon dim" run rums in
♦ho c nut y now w ore ti rewn only one
N or u i- r.o v ••<> np'eto without n whit •
eh-jf rit • a • > 1 *.vh t o op' a it; ai l tin y
a!- ilc •no te
\\ i i.ik KoortN ta k of hrin, r in ; a lanr<-
lmrii \o e iiiipan from Kn lu:d to thi
country cot ; car.
i, ' i i’ri: k M -i. Chn ’es Fo-lit r did
I* coil, in Kb. I!i. w lore she had bom
sjh- • Tnth w n o ’. t
r ; j it w j v, nine v# nrs oM. L start 1 ins; i
\ icai aby !u- a;ti uio m m si *,. He is sai 1
pi Ik* as u • <i. r ul as . liu 1 Tom.
(iK.-ufiK K'.lur s•• \ lain Bel " is b* n?
r’r *:n *t i 1 an it us aii/ip' iti *ii wll b ]> O
du • *<l b > li in Kn :l iu 1 and Amen a
P.vsvr \a 11 *'v t*n •• s j k mof very
high vly ti e \ *ro i pa ©" IfchinU' n
ap. oan j ; at the J o tr . i•! >n i that c.t .
Ti i ntniia : s all 1n- cbu oi • t try t<*tel l
of New N ork " t * a-, L- n a graveyard t i
M’tts-ui. au l in-'i*. moil y la b *ll lot thou
mad".'
Hknry Tkv v . n id Vi s Trrrv sailed re
rent, y from Now Wrk for Eng ail. They
t oh al>.ir $ j. 1.0 M of nice lintel Ft t *•>
n ion y
Am. tho horse*. catTingc*. and farming
uL'M-iD
Branch, wr • sold, as : lo will stay abroad
an- >t li r yea r.
ILuk\, t *oa •• r s> will neve.- Rave
a thc.itr by aiy o!h**r doo th 11 the one
t imu< 1 w io . s i .nt r i. • h mys it would
bring 1m rial lu k.
('m p. i stt> v. is son sr ( ys she never go?s on
the Bta:e without trepidation, and \vhn she
feels weal; or has an inijiortant pait, always
kneel down and snys her prayer .
.John Ho f. t Ins bcm n dvcrt sn gin 1 on
don for t v •!vo lul he and and men willing t >
walk ii pD sin ’.vith the name “Minnie
i‘alm r 1 w itod o 1 th • r shinin'? reo's
Whkn Ida <• * the author of "May Blos
fo n.” was a'l -d !.j* n t!i" sti-?eof l.he Madi
son rq ;h■ ■ ■ ->'• w’> ork ill atr *Jy the aud'-
enc ■ t • fir.-t n rhtof t c play, he gr w so
n rvous t at 1 e s *oa fainted away.
Mi-- fr.'-'i . tf-vK W.nro rial- th" la f o
Mum bla 1 ioil- rns a trive’e:*. She wa -l s'
Tea • I :1 o n t (’olorriV) <' ylon w icr- she
ha iam > g her n .din v. Aral), tic Knr>l Hi.
,N • he.d trnveh-d IL'mi'ec had i-it** 1
Jo ;hay Jeyi ore Dili. Agra, Lu kn w.
I’enar sand** a .tt ,in all o which places
sh- played •Korg *t-*M -Not. '
Hie French In Chinn.
The I/cra/rt's special correspondent in
China sends the following:
-•Hong Kong. April 3, 1884.—1 learn
from ofliciftl sources that the French, in
support of their claim of indemnity, will
hold Lang on and Oaobang passes and
will then enter China from the north
side of the Gulf of Tonquin. Thence it
is five days’ journey to the Canton river
aud seven days to Canton city. The fleet
will co-operate from the south. They
can collect an indemnity for a few years
from the Canton native customs. Those
Ik st informed in Chinese affairs regard
die scheme as wholly feasible.”
Iris hard to believe that the hairs of
our head are numbered, but we can all
readily believe it al>out the hairs of the
mustaches of some young men. They
are so few that they can be conuted at
a glance.
A young man sticking to his girl for
an entire evening is a very nice kind of
-plaster,
<ll)e CDydte.
VOL XI.
A YEAR'S WOOING .
fwaii autumn when first they stood on the
| bridge;
Ripe pears on the pear tree, ripe corn on tho
ridge;
Tho swallows flew swiftly far up in the bine,
And speeding still southward, were lost to the
view.
Said he: ‘ Can you love me, as can loro
you ?”
1 Blie said, quite demuredly : “Already I do T*
. *Twas winter when m\t they met on the
I bridge;
j The peer trees were brown, and white was tho
ridge;
I The swallows were feathering tlieir nests in
Algiers.
Bho looked in his face, and she burst into
tears !
His nose it was pinched, and his lips they wore
blue.
Ha id she : “I can't love you !” Haiti lie : “Nor
1 you!”
Tune spring-time when next they stood on tho
bridge,
And white was the pear tree and green was tho
ridge;
The swallows had thoughts of n speedy return;
And tho midgera were, dancing a-down the
brown bum.
lie said; “Pretty maiden, let by-gonei go
by—
Can you love me again?” She said: “lean
try.”
Twas summer when next they stood on tho
bridge;
There w ere pears on the pear tree, tall com on
the ridge;
The swallows wheeled round them, far up in
the blue,
Then swooped down and snapped up a midgelct
or two.
Baid he : “Lest some trifle should come in the
way.
And part us again, will you mention the day?”
Bhe stoed, looking down on the fast-flow 1 g
rill,
Then answered, demuredly: “As soon as you
will!” — Chamber'* Journal.
1 )i.s£2,’viisecl.
"Charles! Charles! you w on’t for
pet to meet my Aunt Stephanie at tho
depot at twelve precisely 1”
Sirs. Early had followed her tall
hrotlier-in-law to tho front door stei>s,
with the fresh wind hlowiup her bright
hair about her face, and a senrlot Shet
land slmwl drawn picturesquely round
her delicate shoulders—a pretty woman
with something of matronly dignity sub
duing the arch mischief that sparkled in
her merry eyes.
Mr. Charles Early was a stalwart,
handsome young man, with blue eyes
and light brown hair shadowing a fair,
open forehead. It whs a pleasant face to
look into, with nothing of irresolution or
rfleminaoy about it, and consequently
Charles Early had many friends—aye,
and loyal ones, too.
lie turned around at the sound of his
sister-in-law'H voice. Josephine was ouo
of his most useful and constant allies.
"No; I’ll not forget, Josephine; lmt
I’m sorry her grandfathers and grand
mothers in baptism gave her tho name
of Htephnnie.
“Why?”
“Because I know a Stephanie; tho
prettiest fairy yon ever Baw 1 It was
when we were all at Woolgrove Beach
last month—and—if you’ll promise not
to tell my sober brother, Bob, I’ll con
fide to you a momentous secret, Joseph
ine. Have I your pledge of secrecy?”
"I promise.”
"Well, then, I lost my heart to that
beautiful little Stephanie, with her
flossy, yellow curls, and her rose
mouth with its liny pearls of teeth, and
her pink and white oomplexion, just like
your great oleander in the drawing
room.”
“Did you propose to her, Charlie?”
questioned his sister iu-law, with all the
eager earnestness of a woman’s curi
osity.
“Not just then, but—another secret,
.Josephine—l proposed by letter, day
before yesterday I”
"And yon have received no answer?”
••N.'t \<t; 1 suppose it is too soon;
nut I’m on thorns and nettles until ono
dors resell in* 1 . Josephine, if sbo don’t
have me, I’ll drown myself!”
"No, Charles, you won’t I What ab
surd nonsense! ’
"Then I'll do worse; I’ll subside into
a crofs grained, fidgety old bachelor,
grumbling incessantly at everything and
everybody for all tho rest of my natural
days; just see if I don't.”
"Charles, you’re a goose.”
“So are all young men who have the
misfortune to fail in love. It’s their
normal condition. What time do you
say the train arrives? Twelve? I shall
have to get a carriage, I suppose, to
transfer the rheumaticy oid lady here
without any breakage of bones. Doer
she walk with a gold-headed cane?”
“Yes, and she wears a wig and spec
tacles, and talks through her nose, and
takes snuff from a tortoise-shell box."
" ’Angels and ministers of grace de
fend us 1’ Josephine, how did you ever
come to have such an aunt? and how
did her name happen to be Stephanie,
instead of Dorcas or Tryphosa ?”
"We nsed to call her ‘Aunt Feny,’ for
short,” said Mrs. Early, mischievously,
I and her brother-in-law strode down the
' Htreet, whistling, but not for the lack of
| thought, as he went.
"I wish Aunt Feny was in the Red
Sea, he thonght, a little vindictively;
, • 'but I suppose I jnnst oblige Josephine. ”
I Ho at. 12 o’clock precisely Mr. Charles
Early stood on tho platform at the
S H depot watching the long train as
it slowly glided in like a fire-throated
, serpent.
1 “There comes your antediluvian old
SUMMERVILLE, GEO
hag, Charlie," said Guy St. Evoril, with
a langli, ns a brisk hut somewhat bout
figure, wrnpped from head to foot in a
voluminous eloak of snuff-colored l>om
bftzine, with a latge oiroular capo of tho
samo, stopped out of one of the last oars
by the aid of an iron-headed cane. Her
bonnet, curiously bent aud crumpled,
barely covered u lingo, frilled cap. She
wore a bright brown wig, set a little
awry over her forehead, aud massive
green spectacles snt astride of her nose,
while brown cotton gloves adorned her
hands, and a green umbrella, carried
under the arm, threatened, with its brass
ferule, tho eyes of whoever was rash
enough to crowd her movements in the
rear.
"Aunt Feny's self, os I live and
breathe 1” echoed Bruce Montmartin.
"Charlie, if i were you I’d run for it I"
"Drop her in tho gutter aud make off
with yourself,” suggested another young
exquisite, superciliously stroking down
his mustache.
But Charles Early had too many gen
tlemanly instincts to pay any heed to
the waggish hints of his companions.
He stepped forward, chivalrously,
“Allow me to enrry your basket for
you, ma’am?” he said. "I am tlie
brother-in-law of your niece, Mrs.
Early.”
"Oh, you be, eh ?” croaked a feoblo
voice, from under llie cap frill. "Well,
you may take my nmbril and my basket,
and here’s a paper o’ gingerbread I
fetched along for limoli and a bottlo o’
root beer Farmer Jenkins' wife sent mo
—it’s dretful good for pimples and sich
—and I've got a striped carpet-bag
some’ra, with the key tied on with a bit
o’ red tape—and here’s the brass tickets
for the trunks; checks, the follow called
’em, if I remember rightly.”
"It’s all right, ma’am, I assuro you,”
said Mr. Early. "Stop into the carriage;
I will see that your tilings are brought
bore directly.”
"What bo thorn fellows laughin’ at ?”
demanded Aunt Feny, stopping short,
with one foot on the carriage step, and
glaring at Messrs. Ht. Everil, Montruar
tin tt Cos. through tho green spectacle
glasses. "I gi xs I'm ns good ns they
be, if I ain’t dressed in the very last
agony of the fashion. I’ve got ton dol
lars sowed up in my flauuel waist, over
and almve my travelin’ expenses, and
I'll go bail it's more than they've got i”
A suppressed laugh here ran through
the littlo assemblage of spectators on
tho platform.
"Do not let their folly annoy you,
ma’am,” said Early, pleasantly. “Let
me assist yon into the carriage, Ht.
Evoril, stand hack 1” lie added, sternly;
"if you have no reverence for old age or
womanhood, I will teach you to respect
my light hand. This lady is under my
protection, you will please to remember.”
Mr. Ht. Everil retreated, somewhat
discomfited, upon Ids companion’s toes,
and the old lady climbed, chuckling,
into tho carriage.
“Young man,” she began, when the
umbrella, lunch-paper, basket and bot
le were safely stowed away and they
wero rolling rapidly over the city streets,
"you've got a good deal of moral cour
age. Taint every city sprig would ho
as polite to ail old croetur as you’ve
been, with all them noisy fellers pokin'
fun at you.”
Our hero was somewhat embarrassed
at this plainly-spoken compliment.
"I hope, madam,” he Baid, "I shall
never be found lacking in tho essential
qualities of a gentleman, in whatever
circumstances I may bo placed.”
Tho antique dame nodded her nap
frills, and held silently on to her um
brella, without venturing any other re
mark until they reached Mrs. Robert
Early’s mansion.
Josephine was waiting for them on tlie
threshold; she clasped her ancient rela
tion closely in her arms, and there was
a sort of triumphal procession up to her
apartment, which Charles was rather at
a loss to understand.
“One would think Josephine never
had had an aunt, fresh out of Noah’s ark
before," he muttered to himself, ns ho
look up the newspaper and went out to
the vine-shaded back piazza, there to
while away the time until such period as
lunch should be announced,
“Charlie!”
He had exhausted the paper long ago,
and nearly fallen into a doze; but at his
sister-in-law’s summoning voice he
started to his feet aud entered the
house.
"Aunt Stephanie wants to thank you
for all your kindness to her this morn
ing," said Josephine.
“Confound Aunt, Stephanie,” thonght
Mr. Early, advancing drowsily toward
j the front room, where, in a sort of arti
-1 lleial twilight, produced by satin cur
tains and Venetian blinds, ho could dim
| ly descry a figure.
Huddenly Josephine drew back tho
shadowy draperies, and there, instead of
a bent and crooked old woman, stood a
■ lovely girl of 18, with deep blue eyes
| and golden curls, set off with a white
! muslin dress, with an abundance of float
ing blue ribbons looped and knotted
j about it. ...
"Stephanie Osborne !” he ejaculated,
j instantly recognizing his fair enchant
ress of the seaside.
"No my Aunt, Stephanie 1” inter
; ruptod Josephine, demurely.
| "What mystery is this?” demanded
Early, looking with a puzzled face from
j one to the other. "Are you
"I am the veritable old lady of the
vGIA, WEDNESDAY EVENING, MAY 21, 1884.
railroad train 1” laughed the golden
hairod lnssie, with a becoming glow of
color in her checks. “Do not look so
astonished, Charles. Josephine roally is
my uieeo, only as her mother, my siatCj.
was married before I was born, she is
just ten years older than I am 1”
“Yea, but why ”
“Why did 1 assume that odious dis
guise, you would say? Just to try your
sterling worth and native chivalry,
Charles. I somehow fancied that, tho
young man who was polite and attentive
to a bent old woman would have iu him
.lie stuff for a good aud noble husband,
and ”
“And may I be your husband, Steph
anie?” demanded Mr. Charlie, promptly
deducing a favorable inference.
"I—l’ll think of it," said Stephanie,
laughing and blushing. ‘‘At all events,
Charlie, I like you ton thousand times
better since I have seen how devoted
you wero to the poor old woman iu tho
snuff-colored cloak 1”
‘ Upon my word, Stephanie, yon
onght to have been an notrrss 1” said
Mrs. Early, archly,
“ * All the world’s a stago,’ ” quoted
Stephanie, “and I have only performed
my pnrt 1 Henceforward I relinquish
the profession ?”
“Ho you are going to marry my Aunt
Stephanie, oh?” said Josephine, ns sho
met her brother-in-law in tho hall, after
a lengthened interview with liis fair
lmired goddess. “And will you be my
uncle then !”
“I don’t care If I am your grand
father, now that she has said yes,” was
Mr. Charles Early's exultant reply.
Seasonable Farm Hints.
Peas may lie sown as soon ns tho frost
is out of tho ground. It is cheaper in
the beginning, ns well as in the end, to
buy tlie early cabbago plants, aud those
grown in cold frames may be put out ns
noon as the soil feels warm to the hand.
A little mulch of warm manure around
each one of a dozen or two of early cab
bage plants, and Borno shelter—if only a
newspaper pegged down over each plant
—will protect them from a frosty uight.
A mulching of manure and some cover
ing of straw will force asparagus ahead
fully two or throe weeks of the main
crop, and a row or two oan be easily
oovered in this way. It is quite possi
ble to get two successive crops of vegeta
bles and small fruits by protecting in
this way a sufficient number of plants to
afford an early supply. A liberal
mulching of warm manure will start the
growth very quickly, or at least will force
a rapid growth after it lias started
naturally. Ah tlie garden is the most
valuable part of tlie farm it is proper that
a warm, sheltered place should be se
lected for it and that tho ground should
he very rich. Any one can grow vege
tables and fruits, but some forethought,
provision, and skill are necessary to grow
early and good ones, and the pleasure of
having fine vegetables and an early sup
ply of them is worth far more than the
thought—the labor is the same—that is
requisite to secure them. Tho garden
should now bo put in order—and plant
ed ns far ns may be—before the farm
work is begun or it will be apt to be
neglected. And why should not the hus
bandman—the farm husband—take thin
burden upon himself instead of casting
it upon tho farm wife, whose domestic
duties nre sufficiently engrossing without
this addition to them.
A Change for Ihe Belter.
There are more temperance organiza
tions and sooiotics in the country to-day,
more men who are total abstainers, than
at any time in its history. There are
three or four Htates wlioro tho sentiment
against tho use of intoxicating drinks is
so strong that their Legislatures have
been compelled to adopt stringent legi
slation on the subjrct. The memory of
most men living can recall tho time when
the National Congress, the Benato as
well as tho House of Representatives,
witnessed scenes of intoxication that
shocked and disgraced the whole coun
try. Strong drink was openly sold in
both wings of the Capitol at Washing
ton, and it was an ordinary occurrence
to sec drunken Senators and Representa
tives staggering through the corridors to
their seats in tho two branches of tho
National Legislature. It is true that
liquor is still sold there; but it is in vio
lation of the rules. Tho Congressional
revelry has come to an end, and no man
who is known as n habitual drunkard,
no matter bow great liis ability or bow
excellent in other respects, can retain
bis seat in either body. This is true of
nearly all the Hlate Legislatures. Ninety
per cent, of the officeholders of the
country, State and Federal, are men of
temperate habits. They cannot, in fact,
be elected or appointed if their lives arc,
in this respect, a scandal. In private
business houses the same rule obtains
The clerk who is a heavy drinker is very
soon invited to seek another position,—
New York Hour .
Gknf.hous as Welz, as Bbave.—Lieu
tenant Rhodes has deposited in bank
S3 000 received from various sources in
testimonials for his bravery at the Gay
Head disaster, and awaits permission
from Secretary Folger to divide the
money among liis shipmates on the Dex
ter. To forestall a possible adverse de
cision by the Secretary, Lieut. Rhodes
has purchased new uniforms and blan
kets for every man on board,
THE WAR IN THE SOUDAN.
tVhnt a Corroapomtont Hnw In Ihe .WHlni
at the Fray.
[From the London Standard.]
So hotly do the Arabs press forward
that the troops pause in their steady ad
vance. It becomoN a hand-to-hand fight,
the soldiers meeting tho Arab spear with
cold Bteel, their favorite weapon, and
beating them at it. There is not much
shouting, and only a short, sharp ex
clamation, a brief shout, or an oath as
the soldiers engage with thoir foes. At
this critical moment, for the enemy are
rushing up quickly, tho Gardner gnus
open firo, and their leaden hail soon de
cides the matter. At this instant, Ad
miral Hewott, who, with Mr. Levison,
liis private secretary, is present as a
spectator, joins the Naval Brigade and
lends them on ovo’r the dead bodies ol
tho Arabs, lying thickly strewn on their
front, into tho work, which proves to bo
but a bank of sand. Colonel Burnaby
hero lias liia horse shot under him, and
a bullet passes through bis arm. ,Still
with the double barrelled fowling-piece
he carries he knocks over tho Arabs who
assail him. But they press on, and lie
is only saved from being speared by one
of the Gordon Highlanders bayoneting
an Arab who attacks him wheu both
barrels of liiu gun are empty. Several
fteroo personal encounters take place as
the troops rush into the ontrenohmenta.
The first feeling of nervousness has
passed away, their blood is up now, and
the enthusiasm of battle is upon them.
More aud more shrill the pipes skirl out,
and tho men are eager to close with the
foe. As single Arabs rush down the
brave soldiers step singly forward from
the ranks and meet, bayonet to spear,
iu almost every instance vanquishing
them by tho bayonet alone, without fir
ing. A soldier who lmd single-handed
engaged two of tho enemy would have
got tlie worst of it hod not Captain Wil
son, of the Heola, come to liis aid mid
run one of liis assailants through the
body, breaking bis own sword and re
ceiving a wound across the face ns lie did
so. BUarp ns the fight is, it lasts but n
minute or two after the troops have
passed over the sand bank.
The work contains one Tvrupp gun,
which, ol course, falls into our hands.
The bush grows thickly all about where
we uro now formed up, and numbers ol
the enemy uro lying concealed in it.
They constantly leap to tlieir feet and
rush at us, singly or by twos and threes,
with fanatical valor, often coming on
till they fall dead almost at the muzzles
of the rifles. During the halt the cav
alry have moved round behind us, aud
wo cun now see them advancing toward
a large mass of tlie enemy, who ure
making off in the distance. They are
manifestly quickening their pane. Faster
uid faster they go; tlieir sables are
Hashing in the sunlight, and they dash
into tho mass of the enemy. Right
through them they cut tlieir way, and
then turn sharp buck again. The Arabs
do not ily, but stand aud light stubborn
ly and gallantly, displaying as much
courage as against the infantry. Again
aud again they are dispersed, but each
time they gather together as the horse
men come on; and tho cavalry, although
cutting down many, go by no moons
scathless through them.
Oleomargarine In the Legislature.
Artificial lmttor was discussed by the
Assembly rcoently, and the evils as
cribed to it are deserved by some of tlie
combinations of grease and milk that are
sold as products of the dairy; but the
Legislature might ns well go slow as to
have its conclusions set asido within a
(■ear or two. Genuine oleomargarine is
an imitation butter that experts have
pronounced almost identical with the
original product of the churn, and it is
much cheaper than butter made from
cream; consequently it appeals to tlie
pockets of consumers, who outnumber
producers at least ten to one. Its imita
tions, made of materials that cannot bear
the lest of time, because they will in a
few days be offensive to taste, smell and
health, should either be suppressed or
sold under tlieir proper names. The
people of a Hlato containing one-tentli of
the population of the United Htates
should not be specially taxed to support
dairy farms, neither should they bo sub
jected to unhoalthful imitations. Com
pounders of vile grease can easily bo de
lected and punished. The law as it is can
•fleet this end with but little additional
legislation, and the people demand that
•his lie done. For the rest, the interests
nf dairymen nre not superior, nor even
equal, to those of consumers. Let tho
legislature he in earnest, but let it not
fail to work for tlie greatest good to tho
greatest number. —New York llcrald.
Closing a (lap.
General Bullor has recommended
Captain Wilson, R. M„ of the Heola,
for au action at the battle of leb, which
he describes as one of the most courage
ous he has ever witnessed. There was a
gap in the square, and five or six of the
enemy seeing it rushed forward, attempt
ing to pierce the ranks. Captain Wilson
advanced to meet them alone, and break
ing Lin sword in his effort to cut ono ol
them down, would not retire a step, hut
held liis ground, knocking them down
with his fists. Either by a miracle or the
surprising nature of his attack, he es
oaoed with a few wonnds, and the square
closing up rescued him,
NO. 18.
THE HUMOROUS RADERS.
WIIAT AVK FI Nil IN TIIKAI TO NAIM.S
(IV Kll.
TUT NAMES FOB TUB 11A1SY.
Bplnodoogle is anew father, and tho
other morniug after a noisy night with tho
kid he picked np Sploodooglc, Jr., and
began coddling him:
“Es, oo ittle ootsy wootsy tootsy,” ho
gurgled, “oo tweet ittle sing; oor
mamma's durlin’. You darned Macbeth,
you ?”
“What’s that?”cried Mrs. 8., startled
by bis changed tones, “wlint’s that
you’re calling the lmby?”
“Nothing, dear, only ‘Macbotli.’ ”
“That’s a horrid name. What do you
want to call the little angel Hint for?”
“On strictly classic principles, dear.
I call him Macbeth because Shakespeare
says, ‘Maobeth doth murder sleep.’ ”
Aferc/t ant Traveler.
OUB MINISTKB’S EAOBIFIOE.
Minister Sargent lias completely won
Bismarck's heart. At the great Rorlin
banquet the famous Chancellor watched
the American diplomat closely. At a
critical moment in the meal Bismarck
called a waiter to him and spoke a few
words in a low toiio. The waiter im
mediately left the banquet hull, but iu a
moment returned and placed directly
before Sargent's plate a piece of Litn
burger cheese that nearly pulled the
table-cloth off. Sargent turned deadly
pale. But nerving himself lie grasped
the cheese, aud, bolding liis breath, ate
every morsel of it with great rapidity.
Bismarck eyed him earnestly, and ns the
last particle disappeared could contain
himself no longer.
“Mein Gott! Ho hnf schwallowed it
all ! Zargcnt., your liamlt I No longer
call me Brinz. Cail mo Auhgoost; Ich
bin nine binder 1”
Sargent has been in bed ever since,
but bo Bays he knew the fate of the
two groat nations hung upon the deed,
and he did it. — PUUtbunj Chronicle-
Telegraph.
WOItHIS THAN liEIMI I.EFT.
“Let tho office seek the man and not
the man the office. That’s my doc
trine,” declared Mr. Jones.
“You’re just the man I want to run
against,” responded Smith. “The man
who sits down and waits for a salaried
ollieo to come and hunt him up is too
gi Kid for this earth and too big a fool for
heaven, and entirely too tame for Satan’s
dominions. I'm afraid you’d he left out
all around.”
“Well, it might ho worse than that.”
“Worse 1 What could possibly bo
worse ?”
“Well, it isn’t nearly as lmd as being a
Non’ York Alderman under the Roosevelt
Reform bill.”— Oil Pity lUizzard.
A SIGNIFICANT SUGGESTION.
“I see,” said Mrs. Yonngwife, as she
folded the newspaper aud took up her
sowing, “I see that Ihe Mormons have
their wives sealed unto them.”
“Yes,” replied her husband, looking
tip fr >m his book, “that is tho custom, l
believe, my love.”
“I don’t see why Somerville wives
should not be sealed unto their hus
bands,” pursued the Indy, os she threaded
her needle.
“In what way, dear?”
“With a sealskin saoque, as it wore,”
and tlie lady chewed her thread medita
tively, while tho husband muttered
“selali !” and protended to bo gazing at
the ceiling.— Somerville Journal.
aut note.
Mortimer Morgan is a native of Aus
tin, who imagines bo lias a talent foi
painting, but thus far he has met with
no success. His father endeavored to
make a clergyman of him, but in vain.
A few days ago, the old man said to
him:
“Mortimer, don’t you think it is timo
for you to quit spoiling good canvas and
wasting paint.”
“I feel sure that in a few years I’ll
eclipse Raphael.”
“In a few years,” sneered the old
man; "you are now forty-two years old,
and nobody has over bought a picture
from you. Don't you know, you addle
pated ass, that at your age Raphael had
tieen dead live years ?”— Austin Sift
ings.
DTDN T KNOW IT WE Mi ENOUGH.
“Walter,” said his fond wife, “will
you not learn to play poker for my
sake?”
“Learn to play poker I” lie exclaimed
in astonishment.
“Why—ahem—why, the truth is T do
know something about the game. I—l
have played it.”
“Yes, dear, but you don’t know
enough. I thought if you would only
learn how to play it you might not lose
so much money, you know.”— J’iUsOurg
Chronicle.
A SAFE BET.
“I'll bet a good cigar that's a married
couple,” remarked a swell standing at
the window of a fashionable chit) houso
and watching a lady and gentleman who
were crossing the street during a heavy
shower,
“I can’t imagine your reason for say
ing so,” returned his companion.
“It’s plain enough. Don’t you see
that the center of the umbrella is over
jiis head, and not over hers.”
A FAIR OFFER.
A few days ago a farmer drove up to
tho door of a Springwells saloon and
called out to several men stnnding around
that a neighbor of his living about four
miles oway had fallen into the family
woll and probably killed himself.
“Well, what of it?” asked one of tho
men.
“Why, I want two or tlireo of you to
ride out with mo aud help get the body
out.”
“For how much?”
“You don’t pretend to want pay for
such an action as that 1” gasped the
farmer, but they said tlioy did, and he
entered the saloon to see il tho owner was
not more tender hearted.
“I tells yon how it vhas ” began
(ho saloonist, but ho was interrupted
with:
“Don’t tell mo that yon won’t lend a
hand in such a caso as this I”
“I can’t go, my froudt, but I tells yon
how it vhas. I let you drink beer until
you doan’ care two cents for all tho farm
ers uud all der wollb in America, nud dou
I hire a poy for two shillings to drivo
you home. Dot vhas dor pest I can do
to-day.”— Detroit Free Press.
“now TO MAKE HOME UATPY.’
He was a book agent. Ho rang a
door bell, and a woman who was sweep
ing opened the door so suddenly that ho
fell off the stop and nearly lost his beßt
equilibrium. But ho was ft hook agent,
and ho recovered his momentum and
said fluently:
“I am agent for the most celebrated
book ever offered to tlio publio since
‘Uncle Tom’s Cabin’ was written, and
filled with hints of things that cannot bo
found outside the covers of any other
hook, and with recipes for cooking and
family prayers, nud how to keep moths
out of furs, and some fine poems by
well known and popular writers, and you
can give me your order to-day and
needn't pay for it till next June, or on
the installment plan, which is cheaper
than going without, nml the name of it
is ‘Three Million Hints, or Inquire
Within llow to Make Home Happy.’”
“Oh, yes,” said the woman, smiling
sweetly. “ ‘now to Make Home
Happy,’ I have one already,” and she
looked at the broom in her hand with
dreamy eyes.
110 fell off tho doorstep again, and
this time he didn’t recover till there was
a block between them.— Detroit free
Press.
FINAXOIAT. STATISTICS.
Jim Webster, a hard-looking colored
man, was brought to a justice in Austin,
for stealing some money from the houso
of Col. Jones, one of tho most respecta
ble citizens.
Said the Judge very impressively to
-Jim;
“Don't you know that no good can
come from stolen money- that there iso
curse on it ?”
“Boss, 1 didn’t know Col. Jones stole
dat money. I alius 'speeted him oh
bein’ an hones’ man. White folks am
gettin’ to be mighty oureliabto nowa
days. ” Texas Siftings.
nr: didn’t know, y’know.
“Aw, Miss DeSmythe,” said Lord Fitz
sponge to a New York young woman,
“who was that, aw, vowy chawming
looking old lady you were, aw, dwiving
with this mawning?”
“My grandmother, Lord Fitzspougo,’
slio replied, sweetly.
“Gwandmothaw 1” exclaimed his
Emeticship. “Is it possible? Ihodno
ideal), y’know, that Amewicans had
gwandmothaws, aw. ” — Philadelphia
Call.
WASHINGTON NOT AN ANGLER.
Jones —“What an enthusiastio old
angler George Washington was 1”
Smith—Washington 1 Why he was not
a fisherman.”
.Tones —“Indeed ho was a groat lover
of the sport. Ho wrote n book about
it.”
Smith—“ Are you not thinking of
Izaak Walton ?”
Jones—“lzaak Walton 1 Why, that’s
a fact; so I was. It was not Washing
ton, of courso. He was not an angler.”
Smith —“No, indeed; Washington
could not tell a lie.”— P/nila. Call.
Off for Culm.
Col. Aguoro, with thirty picked men,
left Key West, at 9 o’clock at night, on
tho schoonor Shavers. At an early hour
in tho morning tho revenue cutter Gov.
Dix started in pursuit, but returned
after an unsuccessful cruise. A dispatch
from Key West says: The schooner
wan loaded with dynamite, arms, ammu
nition, which have accumulated since
Aguero’s recent arrest. It is rumored
that the Cedar Keys and Key West mail
steamers report having seen a largo
steamship off Egmout Key steaming
south. She is thought to be a filibus
ter from the vicinity of Now Orleans,
and it is believed that Aguero met her at
Dry Tortugas and embarked with his
men. If so, warm work may soon bo
expected in Cuba. Recent reports from
Havana confirm the belief that a pistol
shot at the present time would cause a
revolution. Things are at their utmost
tension tiiero, and if tho filibusters suc
ceed iu landing they will find tho peo
ple ripe for a revolt. The two Spanish
consuls boro seem very uuoasy lest Agn
ero should succeed in his designs. He
has a host of frionds here.
Soldiers and Sailors’ Monument.—
General Lloyd Aspinwall, ol New York,
has obtained the signatures of COO citi
zens, of high nml low degree, “from a
millionaire to a shoemaker,” to use liia
words, to (lie roll of the Soldiers and
Sailors’ Monument Association, of which
be is president. It is intended to raise
by popular subscription, contributed
from all classes of people, sufficient to
erect a plain and massive shaft, high
enough lo he seen nt a great distance, in
commemoration of the soldiers and
sailors who lost llieir lives in the war.
A conspicuous site, like the Fifth ave.
entrance to Central Park, will be selected
for tho National obelisk. It is expected
that 3100,000 will bo collected.