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jf. WIT AND WISDOM. A baseball nein—“Not out!” The rule of three—a triumvirate. Bobbing the males—a church fair. Small currency—sewing society gos sip. The moonstone—an engagement dia mond. Talk is cheap, except through a tele phone. The best coat-of-farms for America— manure. The letter p’s usefulness to pneumo nia is about like that of the husband of a boss milliner. “A bing around the moon is a sign oi bad weather.” A ring around the eye is generally a sign of a squall. “What is laughter ?” asks a scientist It is what you don't hear when you find your wife sitting up for you after the club. A cold climate is hard to bear, but it makes men robust and active. People in very warm countries lead a rather shiftless life. A young lady at a ball the other even ing referred to her gentleman escort as an Indian. “For,” said she, “he is al ways on my trail.” Brides now go to the altar with the left hand uncovered. This means that when the husband comes home late he will be handled without gloves. Colored Woman—“ Boss, kin I get de job ob cleanin’ out dis heah bank ?” President—"No! you are too late. The cashier has already attended to that.” “Press on 1 achieve 1 achieve 1” sings Ella Wheeler in her last poem. This sounds as if she was counseling a Chi nese laundry man to sneeze while ironing. He—My dear, the most extraordinary thing happened when I came homo this evening. She—What was it? He— Why, my slippers were both in the same place and just where I left them. The great perennial power of a good pastor over his flock is heart power. Nine-tenths of the people in any con gregation are only to be reached through their affections. Sympathy is power. Say everything for vice you can say, magnify any pleasure as much as you please, but do not believe you have any secret for sending on quicker the slug gish blood, and for refreshing the faded nerve. “Have you weak eyes ?” said a lady to an applicaSt for a kitchen position, who wore blue spectacles. "No, ma’am,” “but I scour pots and things so thor oughly that the glitter of them hurts mv sight.” When a visitor at the Carlisle Indian School asked a young Cheyenne girl if she was a member of a church, she an swered, "Not much; just a little.” There are hundreds of other church members similarly affected. You can’t blame a wife for losing her love for a husband who persistently stays away from home. As she cannot get him into the house even, it follows naturally that she should not be able to in-door him.— Boston Traveler. They had recently been and got mar ried, and had just returned from their honeymoon. He: “I wonder why so many people stare at us, my dear?” She: “No doubt they are wondering what I could have seen in you.” Life, like war, is a series of mistakes; and he is not the beat Christian nor the best general who makes the fewest false steps. Poor mediocrity may secure that, but he is best who wins the most splendid victories by the retrieval of mistakes. A hatteb sees one of his debtors pass him by in the street without any recog nition of his existence, and straightway became as mad as—as a hatter. “Curse the fellow 1” he says, “he might, when I bowed to him, have at least had the de cency to lift my hat.” ‘Tors age?” asked the judge. “Thirty-five, your honor,” replied the woman. Judge—“ But you were thirty five the last time you were here, three years ago." She—" And does your honor think I’m the woman to say one thing one day and another thing another ?” Mrs. Barnacle went to ride with Mr. B. when the mercury was at zero. “Why, John, how cold it is 1 We must do something for the poor 1 They will fre< 7.1 this weather.” When she reached home, and had sat for an hour oriertiic register in her sealskin sacque, she ex claimed : "Beally, John, it’s not as cold as I thought it w'as. We need not hurry in that charity matter.” Hrs Books—A New York author was announcing t® a friend the speedy pub lication of a new book by himself, “j will startle you,” replied the friend; “I intend to bny a copy of that book.” The author confessed that he was sur prised. Most of his friends, he said, thought enough of him to accept his books when he gave them, but the an nonnc«ment of an intention to buy one was new to him The Bev. Elijah Kellogg, the distin guished author and preacher, spent, says the Boston Courier, his early life on Harps well Island in Casco Bay, where he still has a beautiful summer residence. Instead of spending his time in play with his companions when a boy, he devoted every leisure moment to the somewhat arduous task of drag ging a heavy ox chain all over the island to hear its musical rattle on the stones and its soft “chink” in the grass. A fellow in Oxford county, Me., gulied a whole towA and caught a rich widow. When the assessors of taxes came around he told them that they might tax him for 310,000 in money at interest, although he was supposed to be poor and worked in a mill for 31.50 a day. The fame of a man who was suffi ciently honest to uncover concealed tax able property of his own accord, spread through the town, and he was lionized. He made an impression on a wealthy widow and married her. After the wed ding the assessors had to abate the on the supposititious 810,000, and woman had to support a band. He was not worth a dojt< 3’uinincruiDc Q? 113 cite. VOL. XII. SUMMERVILLE, GEORGIA, WEDNESDAY EVENING, APRIL 15,1885. NO. 13. DISSATISFIED. An old farm-house, with pastures wide, Sweet with flowers on every side; A restless lad who looks from ont The porch, with woodbine twined about, Wishes a thought from in his heart: Oh, if I only could depart, From this dull place the world to see, Ah me ! how happy I would be 1 Amid the city's ceaseless din, A man who round the world has been, Who, mid the tumult and the throng, Is thinking, wishing all day long: Oh, could I only tread once more The field path to the farm-house door; The old green meadows could I see, Ah, me I how happy would I be. —Dublin (Ireland) Times. A LONDON ADVENTURE. Three years since I had occasion to pass a few weeks in London. I am about to relate an adventure which befell me at this time, which came very near hav ing a very serious termination. I can not even now think of it without a shudder. I was wending my way in the early part of the evening toward Drury Lane Theatre, a famous temple of the drama, known the world over, when my atten tion was suddenly drawn to an appeal for charity made by a figure crouching on the doorway of a house. I looked at the applicant. He appeared to be an elderly man attired in a manner which bespoke the extreme of destitu tion. His coat was soiled and ragged. From beneath a shocking hat I could see gray locks stealing out. His form was bowed, and I judged from his gen eral bearing that he must be at least Cf years of age. “A few pence, sir, for a poor old man,” ae whispered. “I am cold and hungry. I have had nothing to eat since yester day.” My compassion was stirred. Had ho oeen in the prime of life I could have passed by his petiti on unheeding. But age and infirmity make poverty a pitifu’ spectacle. "Are you, indeed, so poor?” I asked, stopping before him. "I am too feeble to work,” he said. “I depend on what gentlemen give me. Yet I shonld not care so much for my self, but my poor child—l am obliged to leave her at home sick while I come out to beg.” I was on the point of giving him a shilling when an instinct »f caution stepped in. “After all,” I thought, “he might be an imposter.” Ju that case I should grudge the shilling, small as it was, which I intended to give him. But if things were really as he said, I should be willing to bestow on him a larger amount. “How am I to know whether your story is true ?” I said, stopping in the act of drawing a shilling from my pocket. “How am I to know whether you have a sick child, as you repre sent ?” “If you will come home with me,” he said, in a tone of subdued eagerness (I remembered this afterward), “I will con vince you.” "Perhaps he makes this offer,” I thought, “feeling confident that I will not accept it. He shall find himself mistaken this time. lam resolved for once to satisfy myself, and if it is as he says, he shall have a crown instead of a shilling.” “Where do you live?” I asked, after a moment’s pause. “About a quarter of a mile from here,” was the reply. “Lead on, then,” said I. "I will ac company you home and satisfy myself whether your story is correct. If you are needy as your appear.to be I will do what I can to help you.” The old man was profuse in his pro testations of gratitude. In fact, he seemed so willing to comply with my re peat that again there was a revulsion of feeling, and 1 felt ashamed that I had questioned his honesty. I inwardly re solved to make it up to him. It was a dismal night. The air was misty and damp, and the occasional street lamps revealed a disagreeable neighborhood. On either side I saw wretched tenement houses. At the doors were gaunt faces, sometimes wearing a fierce, almost desperate look. I felt that I should not like to pass through these streets at a late hour of the night. Yet it is only fair to say that London is tolerably well governed. The police are numerous, and, so far as my experience extends, are polite and attentive to strangers. Considering how great an amount of poverty and utter, destitution there is in the great city, it furnishes a matter of surprise that the harvest of crime, great as it is, should not be even greater. Yet doubtless, as the incident I am relating serves to show, there is many a secret crime committed that never sees the light and never becomes known to the authorities. My glance fell thoughtfully upon my guide. He was toiling along, appar ently with difficulty, a little in advance of me, and from time to time looked back to see if I were following Once so suspicious a neighborhood. My guide looked at the watch greedily. “Poor fellow 1” I thought. “Every evidence of wealth and comfort must no doubt fill him with envy.” I don’t know why it was that no suspicions of the man’s good faith hod thus far entered my mind. If there had, the sight of his feebleness would have led me to smile with contempt at the thought that he could possibly do me any harm. Still he hobbled on. We had by degrees got a considerable distance from the place where I first encountered him. I thought that I should be late for the play, and thought of pausing and dismissing him with a gratuity of half a crown. “Are you far from your room—from where you live ?” I asked. “Wo must have gone half a mile Instead of a quar ter. ” “That is the house,” said he, point ing to a wretched building only a few steps distant. “In for a penny in for a pound,” thought I. “I will see this adventure through, even if I am late for the thea tre.” My guide entered the house, and I followed him up a rickety staircase— rather up three—until we reached the fourth story. It was pitch dark all the way. When he had mounted to the third landing he fumbled at the door and opened it. I followed him in. “Stop a moment, kind gentleman, and I will light a candle,” said the old man. I stopped, and in a moment the dim light of a farthing dip illuminated the apartment. I had scarcely time to take a hasty glance at the room and its appurtenances than the old man stepped behind me and closed the door. There was a click audible. It fastened as it closed. What did 1 see? Os course I expected to see a miserable den, with broken down furniture and every evidence of the direst destitution and wretchedness. Instead of this my gaze rested on a room comfortably furnished; a Kidderminster carpet, not much worn, covered the floor. There were a few neat chairs, a mahog any table and a comfortable bed. “You have deceived me,” said I, stern ly, turning upon the old man. I turned as I said this, but what was my bewil derment at perceiving that the old man had disappeared and in his place there stood before me quite a different person age. The gray hair, the bowed form, tho mar ks of age had vanished. My guide wih no longer old and decrepit, but a man in the prime of life, strong and vigorous. His gray wig, for it was a wig, lay on the carpet, whither he had care lessly tossed it. “You seem a little surprised,” ho said, in a mocking voice; “strange miracles sometimes happen nowadays.” “What docs this mean ?” I asked, in bewilderment. “What does it mean?” repeated tho man, coolly. “It means that I will trouble you for that watch of yours. It appears to be a valuable one,” he con tinued with bold impudence. "I will take the liberty to borrow it of you for an indefinite period. Just now, unfor tunately, my watch happens to be at the jeweler’s, so that I am unable to be on time in my fashionable engagements. I shall be compelled to trouble yon for the Joan of yours.” “Is there anything else yon would Lke ?” I asked hotly, indignant at hav ing been so cleverly outwitted, and that, too, by a man whom I had been in tending to succor. It seemed the worst kind of an imposition, playing upon my feelings only to work me injury. “Yes,” he replied carelessly, “I am out of money just at present. Slightly overdrawn at my banker’s. Awkward, isn’t it ? I will take the additional lib erty of borrowing your purse. Though I don’t generally do such things, I will, if it will be any satisfaction, give you my note of hand for the amount, due say in ninety years.” Again he laughed mockingly. “You are an atrocious villain !” said I, indignantly. “Oh, no doubt. You’re quite welcome to call me so. We’re all sinners, you know 1” The man’s insufferable coolness and impudence quite took away my breath I felt that a discussion could do no pos sible good. He had me in his power, and of course that gave him the entire advantage. “Let me out I” I exclaimed, advancing toward the door. “Not yet,” said he resolutely, display ing a pistol. "Not till you have com plied with my very reasonable demands. Do that and you shall go freely, and not a hair of your head shall be harmed. Come, what do you say ?” What could I say ? How was I, sin gle handed and without a weapon, to contend with this man, my equal in strength and armed with a pistol ? This makes the weak equal with the strong, If I only had that pistol—if I could only him. But that seemed He was watchful and wary. and fail he m - r v. Vrake. that is, I could throw my voice to an other part of the room so that some one else might seem to be speaking. No sooner did I think of this than I resolved upon my plan. "Well,” said he impatiently, “have you decided?” “Wretch 1” said a voice just behind him. He turned suddenly, and at that mo ment I snatched the pistol from his grasp. “Now it is my turn,” said I exulting ly. “Open that door or I fire.” He looked at me in stupid surprise. I repeated my command. He advanced a step toward me. “Make the slightest attempt to retake this weapon and I fire.” He glared at me with a look of baffled ferocity, and looked undecided. I repeated my order and he sullenly opened the door. I passed through, backing out warily, ready to fire at the slightest movement showing intent to assault me. I should have felt no hesitation in doing so. The man was a desperate villain, very likely a murderer, and I felt that I should bo justified. But he seemed to have given up his enterprise as bootless. He went back into his room and slammed tho door. I made my way out into tho street and hurried to the theatre, first removing the charge from my weapon. It proved to be a valuable one, and I de cided to retain it as a “contraband of war.” Boiler Skating Rinks. The Cleveland Leader says: A stylish ly-dressed young lady, whose features were concealed by a thick veil, entered the downtown office of a prominent physician yesterday afternoon, and, with some show of nervousness, requested an audience with him. The doctor led the way into his private office, and the fair patient removed her veil, remarking as she did bo, “I wish you would toll me what is the matter with my face.” In the dimly-lighted room the physi cian was unable to find anything wrong. Stepping to the window, the lady said, pointing to the roguish dimples that nature had placed on cheeks and chin and the little creases about the corners of her eyes: “Do you see that? My bee looks as though I had been working in a coal mine.” Closer inspection showed the physician that the dimples and creases as well as the larger pores in the lady's face were filled with a dark, grimy substance. “I have scrubbed and worked at that until I am tired, but cannot remove it. lam satisfied it is not dirt,” she continued, evidently judg ing from the physician’s look that he was about to tell her to take a oath. “I understand,” said the doctor, with with a smile; "the roller rink again.” “What do you mean ?” she asked in a troubled tone. “Nothing but roller rink dust. That is all. It is nothing serious. Try soap and water again and use this solution before retiring at night, and your com plexion will be all right again.” “Oh, I am so glad,” the lady re marked, as she adjusted her veil and de parted. “That is the latest feature of the roller skating craze,” remarked the physician to a reporter who had overheard the conversation with amusement. “That is the second lady who has been to see me with a similar complaint within a week.” “What is the cause of it?” “Why, you see, the dust that rises from the floor of the rink is very fine and penetrating, and when it Bettles on tho skin, dampened with perspiration, it at once finds its way into tho pores.” Saved From a Life Sentence. The last proceedings have finally been held in the famous Mack murder case, which took place July 11, 1878, in Jonesville, Wis. Mrs. Mack, charged with murdering her hus band, was tried, convicted, and sen tenced to the State prison for life, but the Supreme Court granted her a new trial, and on the second trial the jury disagreed. Since then she married the principal witness against her, which renders his testimony worthless against her. She made an application to have her bondsman relieved by giving her own bond in the sum of 38,000, which was granted. She having married the State’s most important witness and the other witnesses being widely scattered, it is not likely [that the case will ever be called. African Explorations. Serpo Pinto, the celebrated African traveler who started for Central Africa last year from Mozambique, came near starving to death not long after he began his march. He and his comrade, Lieut. Cardoso, were stricken with fever in a district where famine prevailed. They could buy little food, and, being too ill to be removed, their party were soon reduced to sore traits. The Governor of Mozambique heard of their distress, and sent a relief party, who remained with them until the explorers were able to push on to ample food supplies beyond the famine district Pinto is leading into inner Africa f. r i ; "ped parties Ug* GENTEEL, BUT A TRAMP. A RESPECTABLE VAGRANT AND IMS MEANS OF SUPPORT. Mad Experience of Two Yunna Men who arc Willing |te Work but are Unable to Find Any. “Yes, we are tramps. We are as thoroughly out in the world as the most tattered, impecunious vagabond that l>egs for a few pennies on the street or for a piece of bread at the back door.’’ The speaker was a young man, not shabbily dressed save for the frayed binding on his coat. His face overgrown with a week’s old beard, was frank and kindly. His companion was also young, and his appearance, too, was respecta ble. “You don’t look like tramps,” said the reporter. “That is very true, and yet, if you were only to count as tramps those shift less vagabonds, down at the heel and out at the elbows, who jostle each other at the soup houses and steal for the sake of going to jail, you would have little more tiian half the tramps in Philadelphia to-day.” “ What has been your experience ?” “I’ll tell you, but you must not pub lish our names. You can take them so that if any one, after reading the story, has a desire to give us work, you can let us know. We are both down in the world, sir, but our self-respect has not left us yet. I pray God it never may. Well, as to how we got down in the world. lam a traveling salesman. At the end of 1884 depression in trade throw me out of a position I had held for two years. I soon became poor, and then followed the usual experiences with pawnbrokers. I could get no work, and finally my money was all gone and I knew not where to turn to get a meal. My companion last year was an advance agent for a circus. Before that ho was an engineer. He has a wife and two children in a little back ro >m on Vine street. We met as companions in dis tress, and he took mo to his room. The scene I witnessed there turned my trials to trifles and dispersed my sorrow for very shame. His wife was sick and his children stood shivering beside the empty stove. There had been nothing to eat in tho room for two days,” The speaker paused a moment and gave a great gulp, as though to choke down a lump in his throat. His eyes had a glistening suspicion of tears in them. “Well,” he went on, “that was a month ago, and it was the beginning of our friendship. Since then we have been tramps, and we have worked to gether. How we managed to get along is almost a mystery to me, now that the first month is passed.” "Give me some idea of your opera tions.” “Our meals are secured chiefly at free lunch counters. Often enough we can slip in and get a drink with a crowd and then help ourselves or sit down and eat, no one noticing that we had not invested at the bar. Sometimes I would go up to the counter, and when no one was looking, pass back to my companion enough food to make a meal for his fam ily. He has a place to sleep, but I have none and at night I have to shift tor myself. "And how do you make out ?” 'Sometimes I sleep at the station houses, but the officers will not allow one to keep that up for mavy nights. Four nights I slept in empty freight cars out near Brewerytown. When I fail to find a place to lay my head I stay around the Broad Street Station until they turn me out. Yes, I am one ol the tramps the station master talks about as constantly coming around there, and being as constantly asked to go ont. Well, after lam invited out of the station it is usually midnight. I to keep awake and put in the timr until morning. It is a weary time of it. Sometimes I walk out to Frankford and sometimes to Germantown. Very often 1 am stopped by penniless wanderers like myself, who want a few pennies for a night’s lodging. That is what I call the very irony of poverty. “I could tell you a good many things to make you smile. Do you remember the incident Mark Twain relates in ‘Boughing It’ of the fellow who found a dime and threw it down so he could have the pleasure of finding it again ? Well, I had a similar experience. I found a silver quarter at Broad and Spring Garden streets. I had not eaten anything for nearly thirty-six hours. 1 picked it up and could not realize my good fortune. I tossed it down on the pavement to see if it would ring, and then walked away, and coming back, picked it up again. The pleasure of going through the process of finding tho coin the second time was equal to the first— Philadelphia Press. The Color Line in Massachusetts. Judge Parmenter, of Boston, Mass, gave a decision in the case of Bichard S. Brown, a well-known colored man, against Joseph Hawes, Treasurer of tho Winslow Skating Bink, fining Hawes sixteen dollars and costs. Brown visited the rink with two children, but was not allowed to purchase admission tickets, demanding the reason for this dis mkrion Brown was forcibly ejee'ed ARCTIC DOG SLEDGING. Not such Amusing Work ns it la Supposed t« Be. Speaking of Melville’s book on the Lena Delta, the Literary World says: Sledging is never an easy matter in Sibe ria. The dogs are quarrelsome, and very difficult to manage, as the follow ing description of a journey with a team of eleven dogs will show: "Away we went with the dogs in full cry, all yelp ing, snapping, biting, and seizing each other from behind, those in front turn ing round to fight back, until some one were drawn off their feet and dragged along at a fearful rate; Vasilli, yelling at the top of his voice, coaxed, scolded, and anathematised by turn, until at length, ■ by dint of twisting and rolling over, the ; team became entangled into one living mass of vicious flesh. To pacify and disentangle the crazy canines, Vasilli leaped upon them with his iron-pointed guiding staff, and the only astonishing thing to me was how the poor brutes could live under such a heavy beating. It is true some of them, after receiving a severe blow on the small of the back, did drag their hind legs for a few min utes; but iu the end it did not seem to check their desire to bite and fight. Yet they were considerably more tractable after this, their first beating, and ran along at a more even pace, following the leaders, who in turn were guided and governed by Vasilli's word of command: ‘Tuck 1 Tuck ! Taduck, taduck Stoi, stoil’ (right, right; left, left; stop 1 stop); and a general chuckle of encour agement.” The dogs, moreover, are so ferocious that if they meet a team' of reindeer they will at once attack and kill them. On one occasion Mr. Melville was pro ceeding by deersledge when he en countered a team of dogs. His driver at once drew off the road into a wood, stationing Mr. Melville with a huge stick to prevent the dogs from following. They came on in hot pursuit, despite the efforts of their driver, when a stout blow from tho stick caused the leading dog to turn round and attack his neigh bor, and in an instant the whole team was embroiled in a “free and easy,” while the deer team made their escape. A French Penal Colony. A recent visitor to New Caledonia gives a shocking Account of the state of society in tkat island. It appears that the number [of criminals living there amounts to about 10,500. The mortali ty is very great and there are numerous escapes. During the last ten years nc fewer than 247 convicts who have managed to smuggle themselves on board ship have been discovered in the Australian colonies. The grievances of of the colonists are, therefore, by no means imaginary. In the first instance, no attempt is made to classify the pris oners, and the result is often disastrous to those who are only partially depraved. The convicts are ultimately divided into five classes, ranging from men who are kept at severe labor, without any relaxa tion or indulgences, to men who, owing to their good conduct, enjoy compara tive freedom, and are restored to family life. Many of the convicts, however employ their conditional liberty in prey ing upon the free «settlers and the natives, and the state of things in the colony has in consequence become in tolerable. Such being the condition of New Caledonia, it is not surprising that there should be a strong feeling in Am tralia against the proposal to establish a French penal settlement in the New Hebrides. SHAMING A THIEF, The Philadelphia Times tells how a soman's righteous anger put a thief to night: “One night lately at the Home of the Merciful Saviour for Crippled Children, between the hours of one and two o'clock, Sister Sarah was aroused by hearing a chair fall over below stairs. Hastily putting on her wrapper, lamp in hand, she descended to the parlor. Her first glance revealed an open window at the back part of the room. A small part of this parlor is curtained off. The curtain was parted, and Sister Sarah thought it moved. Approaching it, she found herself face to face with a white man, tall and stout. Fixing her eyes upon him she said: ‘The Chinese have a saying that to some men hearts have been given, and to some gizzards. You must be one who has a gizzard instead if a heart.’ And with a look of scorn ibe continued: ‘You have come to a house as a thief where there are only crippled children and a few women to take care of them.’ The man drew his hat down over his eyes and leaped out of the window.” E<j.-sitbb W. Raymond, an expert, thinks that iu a number of cases in which death results from asphyxiation by illuminating gas, and which are al most uniformly ascribed to ignorance in “blowing out” the flame, the light “goes out” itself, and thus does mis chief. He says: "I am of the opinion that in the majority of these cases the fault lies in having the ggs_turned down retiring tor ■ i:-»‘f X I ; Wfll ■ ’ M ■ ■'jß f H 4 > ’ STRAY BITS OF HUMOR FOUND IN THE COLUMNS OF OUR EXCHANGES. The Fireman Resinned—On the Roller Skates—Fut on Record—He was ludic naat—Found his Boss* Etc* A FIREMAN WHO RESIGNED. “What caused you to leave the fire department, Jim?” “Oh, I got sick of it.” “What was the trouble?” “Well, I’ll tell you. I worked four years to get on, and then I got right off again. It wasn’t what I thought it was. I’d watched the boys working lots of times, and I’d been around visiting them at their houses. I kinder thought I’d like it. When I got my appointment I felt that I was fixed for life. The sec ond night after that an alarm came in for us about eleven o’clock, and out we went. When we got to the fire, which was in the cellar, the captain made me go down and hold a lantern. The ther mometer was about twenty-five below zero, and just as I started to go up the back stairs a stream hit me in the mouth and knocked me down so quick that I couldn’t tell what struck me. I lay there senseless with the hose playing on me for a little while—long enough for me to freeze fast, any way, and when I tried to get up I couldn’t. I was all covered with icicles, and the whiskers of me were frozen so stiff that I couldn’t get my mouth open to yell. I began to think I was done for, when one of the boys stumbled over me, and getting a lantern, found out who I was. They had to chop me out with axes, and when I walked off I looked like a snow man, That sickened me of the fire department, and I resigned the next day.”— Chicago Herald. FARES OF THE FAIR. When two lady friends enter a street car together they generally go through with a funny little formula for the sav ing of each other’s credit for generosity and for appearances generally. "Now mind, I’ve got the change,” says one as they hail the car. "Have you? Well, so have I. I can pay the fare," answers the other. By this time the ladies are seated, and both begin to fumble leisurely in their satchels for that change. "Now, I’ll pay,” exclaims one, and she fishes out a dollar bill and looks helplessly around for some man to pass it up. “I want change, anyhow.” The money is passed up to the box, and in the meantime the other lady quietly deposits two nickels in the box. “Oh, you mean thing!’’ cries the street-car guest. “Never mind, I’ll pay coming home,” and then they fall to talking of some absent one. — New Orleans Pic ayune. ON THE SKATES. I want to be a skater, And with tho skaters glide, A pair of rollers on my feet, A sweet girl by my side. He tried to be a skater, And bravely he struck out. ***** The doctor says: “In three months Again he’ll be about.” —Norristown Herald. FOUND HIS BOSS* A plumber and his wife were on their way to church. “Why did you bow so low to tha gentleman we just passsed ?” she in quired. “He owns a roller-skating rink,” tht rich man said. — lngleside. ANOTHER ONE PUT ON P.ECSBD. When I was at Washington I said to the engineer of the little building at the foot of the Monument: “You have a mighty tall chimney for snch a small factory.” Ho silently chalked a mark on the board wall behind him. “What’s that for ?" I inquired. “You are the 176th person who made that remark,” was his answer.— Detroit Free Press. QUALITIES OF SOUND. Mrs. Minks —The nurse seems to have trouble with the baby to-night. He is crying yet. Mr. Minks—Yes, bless his little heart- I wonder what ails him ? Mrs. Minks—Oh ! nothing serious. How sweetly shrill his voice is! So clear and musical. Mr. Minks—Yes I—but hark ! Those sounds do not come from our nursery. They come through the walls of the next house. Mrs. Minks—Mercy! So they do. Why can’t people have sense enough to give their squalling brats paregoric or something, instead of letting them yell like screech owls.— Philadelphia Call. brimstone fob oongregationalists. A good story is told of three clergymen, two Congregationalists and one Uuiver salist, who reside not over a thousand miles from New Bedford. Two of them were talking when the third joined them, and, putting a cigar in his mouth, said to his brother Congregationalist, “Mr. , give me a match.” There was some hesitation about granting the request, so number three turned to his Uaiversalist friend with his request which was granted. “Well, here is a Universalist with brimstone about him,” said the smoker. “ Yes, sir, we keep it for our friends,” said the deliberate Uaiversalist”— New Bedford Standard. Thb world is of such power, even in Its right things there are so many of them that touch the imagination, tho feelings, the sentiments of men on so many sides, that it is only now and then there is a man of sufficient stamina and independence to stand up and maintain an active, sturdy piety while standing alone in the world. —Beecher. It is said that owing to the wai among druggists and patent medicine men, tho people get pills at their own value, pills and toffls; and