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THE LIME-KILN CLUB. WORMS OF WISDOM FROM PAHA. DISK HALL. Envy Steals Into the Quiet Meeting Room, and Three Prominent Members Lose (heir Position*!. The excitement which has prevailed among certain of the older members of the club came to a climax Saturday evening. What occasioned the excite ment was kept a profound secret among a dozen, but it may be stated here that the rumpus was kicked up by Prof. Sunflower Smythe, a local member with a harelip and toes turning in. For some weeks past the professor has hankered for an official position, and failing to secure recognition of his mer its, he organized a conspiracy to de throne Brother Gardner. By circulat ing many false statements, and by forg ing the names of several individuals to false documents, he enlisted the sympa thies of Elder Antimony Swift, Deacon Cohort Davis and Judge Cut-Off Kern perberry. He approached Huckleberry Tompkins with the plan, and even went so far as to offer him a new flfty-cent door-mat to join the conspiracy, but Brother Tompkins was true blue, and gave the whole affair away. When the meeting was called to order die three conspirators were in their seats, entirely unsuspicious of the sand club which was hanging over their heads, while the president, Sir Isaac Walpole, Waydown Bebee, and others in the ring, carried very serious counte nances. The plot of the conspirators was not yet fully ripe. Prof. Smythe was just settling himself down to sound Elder Toots in the matter, when Brother Gardner rose up and said: “Envy am de parent of half de wick edness in dis world. One of de fust principles of human natur’ am to be grudge some odder pussou’s good luck, but de miuit common sense am called in fur consultation dis envy disappears— except in isloated cases. ~ “ We envy de rich, while it am p’raps our own fault entirely dat we am not classed among ’em. “We envy talent, an' yet we am fo’ced to acknowledge to ourselves dat we frew away our opportunties. “ Find me a man who am down on his fellowman on gineral principles an’ I'll show ye a chap who orter be in State Prison by de same rule. “DeLawdput us heah fur each to make his own way. De field am world wide, wid plenty of room fur all. If one, by his applicashun, perseverance, in tegrity an’ determination, towers above de one who waits fur luck an’ feeds his soul on envy, any conspiracy to pull him down should be pot down on by all good men. Brudders Smythe, Swift an’ Davis, I should like to see de three of you at de foot of the grand staircase. Dar' am a leetle matter dat I wish to discuss in private. The trio of conspirators were evidently greatly surprised at the request, but suspected nothing and followed the President down stairs. As no one else was permittted to follow, it may never be known what happened on the laud ing. What the meeting heard may, however, throw some general light upon the subject. 1. Yells of terror. 2. Bounds of heels striking the walls. 8. Sounds of cloth being ripped and torn, and boot heels striking the fence on the other side of the alley. 4. Bump—kerchunk—thud—deep si lence. 5. The echoes of the toe of a No. 13 boot striking against coat tails. Soon after these last-mentioned sounds had died away Brother Gardner entered the room with a sweet smile on his face, and walked straight to his seat without a word. There was blood on his left ear, the polish was worn ofl his right boot, and one end of his collar was unbut toned, but this might have happened to any man who had fallen down stairs. “Missel President, shall I cross de three names off de book?’’ asked the Secretary. “De Cha'r reckons you may,” was the answer, "an’ we will now take up de reg’iar bill o’ fare.” A Tramp Defends Ladies. Information is given of a sensational occurrence near Wadesboro, N. 0., on Tuesday evening. An Irish tramp called at a house occupied by two ladies and asked for lodging. They at first refused his request, but finally agreed to lock him in a closet, where he was to remain all night. About 12 o’clock the ladies were waked by a negro who had come into the room. He threatened to kill them if they made an outcry and de manded money, which one of the ladies said she would get. She then went to the closet and unlocked the door, when the tramp, who had heard the whole conversation, sprang out, pistol in hand. The negro started to run, but the tramp fired, killing him instantly. Shortly after it was discovered that the supposed negro was a white man, who had black ened himself and invaded the house. He was recognized as a near neighbor of the ladies. as ■ —« Ihe Giant Chang’s Fiancee. “Yes, I am to be married,” said Chang, “but I am at a loss to know how the report go* .t, as I tried to keep it secret. Lue lady’s name ? Oh, 1 couldn’t tell you that, but will say she resides in Kansas City, Mo., and is worth over §200,000. She is very large, being six feet six inches in height Nmd weighs two hundred and fifty pounds. Her father didn’t relish the prospect of a Chinese son-in-law, but has finally consented on condition that I don’t take his daughter to China. So I have prom ised to remain in America and start a tea store, probably in Philadelphia. You know I and my brothers own a tea plan tation in China. When Ido become an American resident I think they ought to Ist me vote. You see I am so .arge thev couldn’t bulldoze me. ” @lje VOL. XII. SUMMERVILLE, GEORGIA. WEDNESDAY EVENING. MAY 6,1885. NO. 16. Zk oONG IN THE NIGHT. The dry leaves dropped upon the way, With constant sound, like falling rain; I would give much this weary day To hear that sound again Behind, with sharp and even rim, Black hills of cloud possessed the sky; A star was glimmering far and dim Through a faint light on liigh. The woods were dark, and all abroad The fluids were dark, the pathways dim; Aly soul yearned for the living God Thro’ the thick cloud which foldeth Him. When all at once, up soared the moon, With sudden flood of lender light— A gracious flood; and lo ! right soon Woods, fields, and ways were bright. The solemn trees stretched out their boughs And caught the light. With quiet mind, “Surely,” I said, “this is God’s house; And where men seek they find.” Tears filled mine eyes, but they were sweet; And, standing on the shining road, I knew what Spirits led my feet By darksome ways to God. Good ITorcte. An Old Maid. BY LAURA COLLINS. A lowering morning which made one wish for the sunny South or for Italy, or auy place which would make one feel happier than could this dismal morning in Wisconsin. And then to think that this train could not make connection with the eastward bound train ! It is hard enough to stop at such a miserable little junction at any time, but to spend three hours here this dark morning must prove the very refinement of torture. There are a dozen passengers who must wait and who prepare to make the best of their stay here. One couple, ev idently just married, find the clouds of a very rosy color, and they walk out of the smoky old depot to make a tour of the town, talking eagerly the while. Two young fellows wander uneasy about, reading all the old tattered posters, glowing inducements to go West, and ancient time-tables, which invariably decorate the stained walls of a country depot. These young fellows finally utter exclamations of impatience at the dreary monotony, and go across the street to the hotel, hoping to find some thing there more congenial to them. Two ladies at once take their departure for the hotel, and other people stroll out about the depot, and there are left two persons, a man and woman, who, after a little time, settle themselves to reading to pass away the weary mo ments. He reads his paper, she her book, and, occasionally, woman-like, she casts a look at her silent companion, wondering what loved ones are awaiting bis arrival and whether he is impatient to greet them, or if he feels a man’s stoicism in regard to it; wondering, too, how it is that each woman thinks the masculine lives connected with hers so full of manly graces and beauty, and who could find manly beauty in those rugged features? Then she turned her gentle eyes toward the window and looked out at the dreary landscape, looked with eyes which saw not outward objects, but were introspective solely. An old maid, commonly supposed to be the type of discontent and unrest; but here, evidently, the type failed, for this face expressed the utmost of content. Life had been filled with much of sor row for her, all her bright plans bad failed of fruition; one after another she bad bidden good-by to them and had turned bravely again to face the coming of a new future, a future to be peopled again by her bright fancies—the old fancies all dead and gone from her ex cept as they lingered in memory. An old maid she is, so far as years go, but no home is happier than her little ideal home. She has filled its rooms with bright little faces eagerly calling to mother and the dream-father is strong, earnest, helpful and loving. Her dream home is happier far than many a fine lady’s real home; although she has not pictured any grandeur about it. Oh, no, she dreams that the carpets are faded from much sunlight and worn from the tread of many little feet, that there is much planning to “make both ends meet,” but she has imagined unsel fish living in this ideal home, and loving unselfishness can make all trials in re gard to ways and means seem very slight indeed. Her companion in this depot is an elderly person, a stout, large man, with keen eyes and a mouth at complete odds with the eyes, not belonging to them apparently. Often eyes do not harmonize in coloring with the rest of the face, but generally expressions are strongly akin. This man had a sen sitive mouth, one with a mournful droop to it. Those who looked at him caught themselves wondering which would con quer—keen, hard eyes, or sensitive mouth. He read for some time, then gave a quick look at the thoughtful face near him, and said, abruptly: “Not a very pleasant arrangement, this. A quick flush passed over the gentle iaee before him—a flush which his keen eyes noted instantly and understood —a flush which told of the girlishness yet left to this lonely woman “Not that it matters much to me where I am,” he continued. “Life can’t ?ive me anything harder than I’ve had.’ “That is a sad thing to say,” she said, in her timid way. “A true thing, though,” he respond ed, and the corners of his sensitive mouth drooped a little more. •! feel as if I had nothing left to live for. My wife died a year ago and—” here the voice broke. Distress ever calls some souls out from their reserve, and hers was such a one, and she said, quickly: “Ah, but yon have all those vanishei days and months and years to remem ber. all the loveliness of her life to think of now." “How did you know her life was lovely ?” he queried a little sharply. She hesitated a moment and then said, simply: “It must have been, or you would no< miss her from your living so much,” a tribute to the manly worth in the face she saw before her, which was keenly relished by the owner of the face. Ho sighed, and then looked for a time out of the smoky window, then said: “After all, life is a strange muddle,” and, re ceiving a look of understanding in re sponse to this sentiment, he went on. “We don’t know what is right to do and yet we’re punished by fixed laws it we don’t do the right. That doesn’’ seem just to me.” “Oh, but it will come out straight in the next life,” she cried, eagerly. “I don’t know whether it will or not,” he responded. “I haven’t seen the next life yet, and I don’t know what it is like—don’t even know if there will be a next life. I only know that we aie hedged in and around in this life.” “But surely the next life will take away all the rough places of this,” she said ; “it will make ns understand all that seems so strange about this, and— there must be a future life ; God surely would not put ns into this life and let s< much go out of it incomplete. That seems to me the strongest reason for a future, that so many die with their life work only just begun.” “Is that a reason or a hope with you ?” he asked. She hesitated and did not answer, aud just then one of the restless young men »ho had been a fellow-passenger of theirs came in and glanced casually at the two. That glance made her self-conscious, and a blush dyed the delicate face, aud she turned, in a decided way, the pages if her book, as if she were determined not to let the stranger get possession of her wandering thoughts again. The young man passed out of the station, and the elderly one rose and walked restlessly about the room, knitting the shaggy brows occasionally at some troubled thought. The three hours passed, and 1 o’clock came, and a train came. "Can I assist yon?” ho asked geutlv. reachino' out a hard, brown hand for some of the numerous bundles she was carrying. She handed some to him and followed his sturdy footsteps to the train. They wondered a little why their fellow-passengers of the morning were not in greater haste, but forgot them presently in the bustle of departure. He secured a pleasant seat for her and then one for himself at some dis tance from her. A few minutes of wait ing, of idle watching of the dark laud scape, so soon to be among remembered things, and the train moved slowly out of the town, and as it moved away another train steamed in. She looked curiously at the second train, but re membered that this was a junction and did not obey her first nervous impulse, which was to go to her whilom protector and ask ■ him if he were sure they were on the right train. She forgot the train soon, and watched the stern, set face, aud felt sorry for him, and wished he might feel as sure of the future as did she. Soon the conductor came, and she watched him as he made his way toward her. When he reached her protector, as she already called him in her inner consciousness, that individual gave a quick start at some words uttered by the conductor, after examination of his ticket. A troubled look settled upon the resolute face, and he conversed ear nestly with the conductor a few mo ments, then glanced at her and rose and came to her. “I told yon,” said he, “that we don’t know what is right and then we get punished by unalterable laws, and here is a speedy illustration of the fact, only that I feel now that I might have known the right, if I had taken pains to in quire. We are on the wrong train.” She looked deeply troubled, but said, after a moment: “How can we get back?” “It is of no use to go back to that junction. We might as well go on to Ctiicago now and go from there; it will really take not much longer, and as you trusted to my leading in the first place, I will, if you will let me, see yon safe out of this trouble.” "I am used to taking care of myself,” she said, but her lips trembled a little. “Where are you going ?” he asked, and upon receiving his leply added: “I am going beyond there, so it will be no trouble to me to see you safe. I will telegraph your dilemma to your friends at the next station; we shall reach Chi cago in two hours and the conductor tells me we can immediately take anoth er train back, so that really the worst of it will be the extra four or five hours in the train." He remained sitting with her and chat ted lightly for a time, till her mind was somewhat diverted from the unpleasant ness of her situation. Gradually they wandered to deeper waters and talked again, as they had earlier in the day, of the problems of life, and into these que ries and answers of theirs crept ever and anon a bit of the personal history of each. He learned what a desolate life hers had seemed to be; ho learned, too, what a sweet, cheery courage must un derlie her whole being, that the deso lateness should have been so ignored, and he grew ashamed of his own repin ing over a lot which had much of bright ness in it. When the train drew into the great depot in Chicago he felt that he had learned to know a pure soul, and she felt a deep pity for the lonely life opened to her view. And as they took the other train, which was to fcke them rapidly to their destination, each felt a regret that a few hours more would part them. He sat silent for a Jong time after this, wondering if he do the thing he wished. He was loiiply, set adrift in the great world by the death of his wife, and he wanted a true, .’worn lily heart to sympathize with liis, Cotkd he do bet ter than ask this lonely woman, who had no kith or kin i| the world, to share his lot with him ? Could she do better than take him, she* who evidently had >ummer-land in her heart and could make a bit of brightness wherever she was? Each surely needed the other. He asked her if she know any one in his town aud finding she did know a person residing a few miles from him, he took his resolution quickly. “I have a good farm out there,” he said; “one hundred and sixty acres under fine improvement, home and out-build ings all in fine shape. Yon can find out all about me from Mr. —.” A moment he hesitated as ho saw that she did not realize what he meant; then he continued earnestly, looking down into the clear eyes lifted so fearlessly to his: “I feel as if I w’ere looking into the eyes of my wife. Am I mistaken ?’’ The last words were breathed rather than ut tered, and then she understood, and the flame color mounted over the delicate features once more, and she said quietly; “Do I look so much like your wife ?” He was baffled, and for a moment knew not what to say, then rallied and said: “She has gone on into the future. I don't know what or where that life may be, and I am lost and lonely without her. I want that which has gone out of my life, and I believe you can supply that want. You are alone in the world, and I can make your life pleasanter, I am sure. ” It was a temptation, such as only homeless ones can understand; but, after a moment, she shook her head, and then, reading the questioning look in those keen eyes, she said, while the color deepened in her face: “I loved once, and have loved ever since, and it would not be right for me to marry any one, feeling as I do.” The door opened, and the brakeman called out the name of the place where she was to stop, and the next moments were spent in gathering together her belongings. He helped her off the train, and grasped her hand heartily as he stood one instant there: “I shall always remember you and your happy ways of looking at life, and your faith will help me;” and then he swung on to the slowly-moving train, and she walked away into the gloaming, a tear or two falling as she thought of the lonely days to come.—Z%e Current. Davy Cnickett’s Gun The Little Rock (Ark.) Gazette says : The reporter had the pleasure of handling Col. Davy Crockett's old gun recently, it was in the State Treasur er’s office, where it had been left by “Col. Bob,” Davy’s grandson, now in the Arkansas Senate. The gun is a long barreled, silver mounted affair, and along the top of the barrel, in gold let ters, reads the inscription : “Presented by the young men of Philadelphia to Hon. David Crockett, of Tennessee.” Near the muzzle, just back of the bead, was the Colonel’s motto: “Go Ahead.” Many of the letters were so worn as to be almost indistinguishable, and some of them were gone completely. The gun has come down from sire to son in the Crockett |fami!y ever since it was pre sented in 1834. To the reporter ‘'Col. Bob,” who now owns the gun, said : "There is not a gun in Arkansas to-day which will shoot truer. 1 killed hun dreds of deers with it, and think more of it than I can tell. My grandfather left it at home when he went to Texas, taking with him his old flint-lock. It is a rare old gun and a great curiosity. I have been requested to send it to the Exposition at New Orleans, and shall do so in a short time.” — Capt. Nathaniel Palmer, of Ston ington, the original discover of Palmer’s Land, furthest south of all known land, tells the following story of the way he saved the discovery. He was getting ready to leave it when a Russian frigate hove m sight. Capt. Palmer was am bitious to claim the land for the United States. How to contend with the ship of the Czar he did not know at first. He waited till the frigate ran to the lee ward of him aud hove to, and then he put up his sheet and squared away for her, running under her stern, and call ing out as he shot past: “Ahoy, there 1 ship ahoy I do you want a pilot in ?” The ruse succeeded, for the Russian frigate at once filled away, and left the dominion free to the Stars and Stripes. Forwarding Garden Vegetables. When the gardener gives a plant a special advantage the result of which is to cause it to produce or mature earlier than it otherwise would, he is said to “forward” it. Tomatoes will bear long before frost, if the seeds are sown in the open ground. By sowing seeds in a hot bed and raising the plants the tomato is forwarded. If the seeds were sown last fall, and the plants kept in a hot-house to produce fruit in the early spring, that would be “forcing.” Cucumbers are forced under glass, but they may also be forwarded. For illustration: to for ward the cucumber, fill some four-inch pots with fine, rich soil, sow half a dozen cucumber seeds in each and set the pots in a hot-bed, or stand them in a box which can be set on the sill of the kitch en window. Another method of starting the seeds, if a good piece os turf can be had, is this: Take up a thick, strong sod and fit it to a shallow box with the grassy side down. The sides of the box need not be over three inches high. With a strong knife, cut the sod into squares, which should be according to the size of the box, three or four inches square. Cut quite down through the grass roots and tops to the bottom of the box, to make sure that the pieces can be separated readily. Sow several seeds in the earth of each piece of sod, which is of course bottom or earth-side up. Set this box of sods in the window or in a hot-bed, as directed for the pots. Either pots or sods must be watered as needed. When the seeds are up and the plants begin to show their rough leaves, remove all but twoor three in each pot, or piece of sod. Do not pull ont the extra plants, as it will disturb the roots of those which are to lie left, but cut them off with a knife, or pinch them off with the thumb and fin ger nails, close to the ground. When the weather is settled, prepare well manured hills in the garden. Set the pots in a pail or tub of blood-warm water and let them soak until the earth in them is wet through. Take them out and let them drain for an hour or two, when the ball of earth, with the cucumber roots, may be removed from the pot with a slight knock, and set in the hill, pressing the soil well around it. If the cucumber plants are on pieces of sods, about a week before planting out these, run a knife along the cuts made at the beginning, before the seeds were sown. Some of the grass roots may have grown across from one piece to an other; this will sever them, also any cu cumber roots that have grown ont of bounds. In planting these, set the soil containing the plants in the hill, letting it be an inch or so below the surface, and press the soil to it firmly. There should be prepared, beforehand, some frames or bottomless boxes over each hill of plants, and leave it there a few days. After this, on warm and pleasant mornings, remove the frame, setting it on that side of the plants from which the wind blows, to protect them. In the afternoon, before it grows cold, cover the frames over the plants for the night. On chilly days leave the frame over tho plants, lifting it on one side at the bolr tom, and placing a stone to hold it up. By the time the plants become too large for the boxes, the weather will be warm enough to expose them night md day. Treated in this manner the p anti will bear several weeks before those fron seed sown in the open ground. They have been “forwarded” by sowing the seeds under glass, or in the house; pre serving them from any cheek, by cover ing them after they were planted out, has also forwarded them. Attention to watering and an occasional treat of liquid manure will forward them still more. Many other plants may be forwarded in a similar manner. But closely follow the directions given.— Agrieulturiat, — What a Sponge Is. “It is only the skeleton of a sponge that is commonly used in removing dirt,” Prof. Bickmore says. “ A sub stance that in the animal sponge is an alagous to the finger nails of the human hand. The sponges are found in vari ous portions of the world, gathered in masses below the surface of the water. The youthful sponge first makes its ap pearance on the outer border of the adult in the form of a cell, which gradually increases in size and complexity until it bursts through the maternal tissue and floats at freedom through the ocean. It is very minute, and for a time has an independent life. It is sowing its wild oats, so to speak, but as it increases in size it attatches itself to its more ma ture brothers and sisters and develops with them into adult form. Sponges are gathered by means of grappling hooks. They are floated to inclosed portions of the sea, where they are left until the exposure of the sun and the wash o£ the sea leaves nothing but the skeleton. ” He Wants It.—An Arizona paper re marks: “Our craven contemjiorary pre tends that it doesn’t want any office. That is too thin, as everybody knows how it tried to get the post office and failed. We don’t often boast, but we believe that we could run the post office in the way it should be run, and what is ' more, we believe we shall get it. Any - ■ how, we are not afraid to say that we j want it, and will do everything we can ;to get it. Our contemporary is a 1 pretty small potato. Whoopee 1” Farragut’s Flagship on Fire. From an account by Commander Al bert Kautz, in the Century War Papers for April, we quote the following: “No sooner had Farragut given the order ‘Hard-a-port,’ than the current gave the ship a broad sheer, and her bows went hard up on a mud bank. As the fire raft came against the port side of the ship, it became enveloped in flames. We were so near to the shore that from the bowsprit we could reach the tops of the bushes, and such a short distance from Fort St. Philip that we could dis tinctly hear the gunners in the case mates giving their orders; and as they saw Farragut’s fl ig at the mizzen, by the bright light, they fired with fright ful rapidity. Fortunately they did not make sufficient allowance for our close proximity, aud the iron hail passed over our bulwarks, doing but little damage. On the deck of the ship it was bright as noonday, but out over the majestic river, where the smoke of many guns was intensified by that of the pine knots of the fire-rafts, it was dark as the blackest midnight. For a moment it looked as though the flag-ship was in deed doomed, but the firemen were called away, and with the energy of despair rushed aft to the quarter-deck. The fl lines, like so many forked tongues of hissing serpents, were piercing the air in a frightful manner, that struck terror to all hearts. As I crossed from the starboard to the port side of the I deck, I passed close to Farragut, who, as he looked forward and took in the situation, clasped his hands high in air, and exclaimed, *My God, is it to end in this way I’ Fortunately it was not to end as it at that instant seemed, for just then Master's Mate Allen, with the hose in his hand, jumped into the mizzen rigging, and the sheet of flame suc cumbed to a sheet of water. It was but the dry paint on the ship's side that made the threatening flame, and it went down before the fierce attack of the firemen as rapidly as it had sprung up. As the flames died away the engines were backed ‘hard,’ and, as if providen tially, the ram Manassas struck the ship a blow under the counter, which shoved her stern in against the bank, causing her bow to slip off. The ship was again free; aud a loud and spontaneous cheer rent the air, as the crew rushed to their guns with renewed energy." Took Them All In. There is a French barber at folnm bus , Texas, named La Prelie, who is rather an eccentric genius, and he was on his way to the station to meet tho train, when he was spied by five young men. One of them named Smith, had a six-shooter, and it was agreed that they were all to lie quietly in wait, and that when La Prelie approached, Smith was to confront him with his revolver and order “Hands up 1” The unsuspect ing victim approached, and Smith, in regular highway robber style, ordered him io hold his bands up. But the barber made a dash at Smith, and by a violent wrench of his arm secured his pistol. He corraled Smith and his four companions and marched them at the point of the revolver back to town and telephoned from the nearest place to the Sheriff’s office for him and his Depu ties to come after them. The young men entreated and pleaded most elo quently and tried to ixplain that the affair was only a joke, but La Prelie would not believe it. The Sheriff con fiscated the pistol of the prisoner but as they were all young men of good families he let them off on parole. They will be tried however, in regular form, and besides having to fee lawyers will have to pay a fine for canying deadly weap ons. . He Had the True Kind. Three or four sessions back there was a member of the Michigan Legislature who put in sixty or seventy days of the session without having a word to say, and it was only at rare intervals that he was recorded as voting for or against a bill. His constituents finally sent a delegation to Lansing to poke him up a bit, and after hearing what the gentle man had to say the member replied: “While I didn’t expect no such notion as this, I am fortunately prepared for it. Come over to my room.” The delegation followed him to his room, and the member took down a file of the daily journal, and exhibited about twenty marked paragraphs, every one of them reading - “And on motion of Mr. Bombee, of Bombay, the House took a recess.” "Yes,” said the Chairman of the dele ga ioa, after looking them over, “but this isn’t so much. There is no particular display of statesmanship.” “Statesmanship 1 Well, if knowing enough to keep my mouth shut until opening it would do some good isn’t the tallest kind of statesmanship, not to say anything about wisdom, I’m ready to resign.”— Detroit Free Frees. “I hear that sheep-shearing is done by machinery in Australia,” said one Wall street broker to another. “Yes, so I understand. I wonder if there’s any money in it ?” asked his friend, i “Maybe there is, but I prefer the old i fashioned way of fleecing lambs. Pull ing the wool over their eyes and skinning 1 'em, you know. ” STRAY BITS OF HUMOR FOUND IN THE JOKERS’ BUDGETS OF OUlt PAPERS. Very Sweet Things—Between the Acts—Pro paring lor the Visit—The Level-Header Merchant* Etc.* Etc. PREPARING FOR IT. Mr. De Style—My dear, you know this is Lent ? Mrs. De Style—Of course. “And it is not the thing to go to ths theatre ?” “Certainly not.” “Nor the opera ? “No." “Nor any other expensive place ol amusement ?” "Exactly.” “And no one can complain if the diet of the family is of tho very simplest de scription ?” “Os course not; but I know all this, and am sure we have not made a mis take in any of these way i. What are you driving at, any how ? ’ “I was thinking, my dear, it would be a good time to invite Uncle Jake’s fami'y to leave the farm and make us a visi l . You know we must go there agi.in this summer.”— Phila. Call. he didn t marry fob beauty. “I hear that Swarkins is married again.” “Yes, he’s hitched again for a fact.” “Have you seen his wite?” “Yes.” “Is she good-looking ?” “Oh, no; she’s a very plain body, but as strong as an ox. You see, he didn’t care so much for beauty. What he wanted was a woman who could dig potatoes and make them youngsters of his walk the chalk.” WHERE THEY HAVE THE BEST OF US. Life must be very pleasant in the Congo. Instead of a man having to rush home at 1 p. m. to give his wife four hours’ time to prepare for the opera and then wait another half hour on the front steps until the two hundred and odd forgotten things are found and ar ranged, the Congo husband strolls home a few minutes before the performance begins and simply says, “Sarah, adjust your hairpin. We will go to the opera.” —Pittaburgh Telegraph. THE PBOPHBT. “Go in there, El Mahdi,” said the doctor, who lived opposite tho roller skating rink, as he placed a two-dollar bill in his wallet which he had just re ceived from a skater for dressing his scalp. "El Mahdi 1” exclaimed the patient, “why do you call the bill El Mahdi ?” "Because it is the fall’s profit, you know,’ replied tho doctor, as he smil ingly showed the patient out.— Boelon Courier. BETWEEN THE ACTS “Too bad I had to go out to see that ticket-seller about seats for next week,” he remarked to his new wife as he set tled himself down after a trip down stairs between acts. “The affair quite slipped my mind as we came in. Were you annoyed, my dear ?” “Oh, no 1 I didn’t mindin the least, thana you. I was quite busy working out a mental problem.” “And what was that, love?” "Why they call the front curtain the drop.” "I see. Did you succeed ?” “Yes, I think I got the correct an swer.” “And that was” “Because so many men go out for a drop when it is down, my dear.”— Detroit Journal. A LEVEL-HEADED MBBCHANT The merchant now devises A plan brisk trade to win He wtraighi way advertises And rakes the shiekels in —Boston Courier. WHAT SHE WANTED TO HEAR. “And bo you like the yarns we sea dogs spin?” asked the gallant young mariner. “1 dote on them,” the young lad) passionately responded. “And what shall I tell you of the doings of our salts ?” he tenderly asked. “Ob, tell me how you luff,” she inno cently answered. —Pittaburgh Chronicle off rr goes. Stolid proprietor of German restau rant to new waiter—Dot letter for you, eh ? You was der Baron von Schinkel berg ? New waiter, meekly Yes, Mein Herr. Stolid proprietor— Den you wasn’t no reckular waiter, eh? Veil, dake a dol lar a veek off your vages.— Puck. AN INTERNATIONAL EPISODE. A German went into a restaurant, and, as he took his seat an Irish waiter came up and bowed politely. “Wie Geht’s,” said the German, also oowing politely. “Wheat cakes,” shouted the waiter, mistaking the salutation for an order. “Neiu, nein I” said the German. “Nine?” said the waiter. “You’ll be lucky if you get three.” — N. Y. Sun. A SEA VOYAGE, "Is there a remedy for seasickness, doctor ?” "Not altogether, but it can be greatly relieved. Do you want it for yourseif ? ‘•Yes; lam a naval officer, and under the new order of things I may have to leave Washington.” SWEET THINGS. "Sweet things are very bad for you, dear," said a fond mother to her 6-year old boy, who had the end of a fast wan ing stick of candy in his mouth. "And is sweet things bail for papa, too?” asked the innocent child, releas ing the stick from his mouth. "Yes,” said the mother. "I thought so,” replied the boy, as the last end of the stick disappeared. “Why did you think so, my boy ?” “Because he always goes out when you begin to sing ‘Sweet Violets.’ If that boy lives he may manipulate the bones some night.—Zl mi Siftings.