Newspaper Page Text
EXAMINE HOW YOUR HUMOR IS INCLINED, AND
The ruling passion of your mind." ,
VOLUME VI.
CANTON. GEORGIA. FRIDAY, MORNING, FEBRUARY 20, 188S
NUMBER s.
TOO MUCH WHEAT.
"Ton mtieli wheat!” Ro the (Valera say,
Millions of lmshels left unkold
Ol 1-ito year’s (’Top; and now, to-day,
Ril >u mjd l)pa(O l and.yc4q'vn,as £vil<L
This summer’* crop counts'full and fair;
Ail'd iinuitiura, ni>t thank*,. lire in the air,
And stiur house doom arc kicked, to wait,
And men me plotting, early and late.
"What shall save t!i« fapners from lass
If wheat too pk nty makes wheal a drqss?"
"Ton much wheat?" Good Chui, what a wi ril!
A bhiHphemy in"on* borders hoard.
'Too in'ich wheat!" And our hearts wore
si i'red, ,
lint yi sterility,--and onr-check* Hkf flame,'
For veng Hnee the Lord his loins doth gtrd,
VVljcn a nation reads sneh tale of shamo.
Hmidreds of men ho dying, dead; •
Hrothers of ours, though'their sklua are rod:
Men wo promised to toacli and ffied.
Olt, dastard nation ! dastard dMd I'
lliey slnrvo liko beast* in pfln and fliM 1
While wo hokrtl'wlinat to soil for gold.
"Tim) ntuch wheat I” Men’s lives Aro dross !
• 'How shall tho farmers ho saved from loss ?’’
"Too ntuifi wheat!’’ ■ Do tho figures He ?
What Wondrous yields I Pitt-tho ledgers by !
"l oo inueh wheat I" ■ '■
Oh, snmmerVain, ’
And sun, and sky, and wind from west,
Fall not, nor shino, nor blow AgaliVl
Lot. fields bn deserts, famine
Within our gates who hoard
Millions of bushels of wheat
With iron and women and
And dally dying for lack ol ,
“Too much wheat!" Good God, what a word I
A blatpluuuy in our border* heard,
RlIAN JACKSON. ,
TIM’S BROKEN HEART;
"Now, Mary dear, yon’re foolin' 1”
Tho speaker was a toll, broad-shoul
dered young Irishman, with straight,
clear features, frank, loving eyes and a
■well-shaped, intelligent forehead, from
which his ourly black hair was brushed
carelessly.
Tho young girl addressed was, as may
be supposed, of the same nationality as
himself, but ono might have gone a good
mu;' Id find * prettier damspt than ab<\
with'her rosy cheeks, bright, sparkling
eyes and wavy brown hair. Hor white,
plump arms, that many a ball-room
bollo might have envied, were thrown
over her head and her eyes wore snap
ping with coquettish merriment. ’
'•Now, Mary'dear; yott’ro foolin’|'* and
Tint's black eyes looked lovingly into
hey brqwn eyes. ,
"No, indeed, I’m not, Tim Mnrton I
I mean what I say 1" retorted Mary,
with a toss of her bead; “so,' do go
along and don’t bother mo I”
"Ah, now, Mary, jewel, just name the
day and theu I’ll go!” persisted Tim,
coaziugly. 5
"No, I’ll do nothing of the kind 1" re
plied Mary, moro mercilessly than ever.
"I guess I’ll have to break off out en
gagement, Tim'! you’re too botbersomo
altogether !’’ she added, after a little
pause.
"Oh, Mary I” gasped poor Tim, re
ceding a step or two, "break off the en
gagement, darlint? when I love yo so!
Yon can’t mean it, sure I"
0 "Yes, I do mean it!” persisted this
wayward damsel, who liked nothing bet
ter than to torture her lover, who was
taking her coquettish words flo dread
fully to heart. "I guess yon needn’t
come any more, Tim!
"Are you in earnest, Mary; honey ?"
asked Tim, lugubriously,
"To’.bd sure I am;, can’t ye see.that?”
pried Mary, longing to laugh at Iks woe-
begone ooubfonance; and, without 'bid
ding J)im good., bye, she tripped gayly
into the house.
As for Poor Tim, he stood for a mo
ment as if- nis last hope had deserted
Him, afcd then'turhed'away .with it mel
ancholy step. ' t
Ho was walking slowly along, still
lamenting over the irilfiiTpes* of his
capricious little sweetheart, when a step
sounded hear him, and a liand was laid
familiarly on his shoulder, while a cheer-
fu! voice called in his ear: .
"What’s the matter, Tim, me boy?
Why, considerin’ the direction ye come
from, ye oughtn’t to look in that forlorn
fashion.”
"I’m in trouble, Mike,” said pool
Tim, in n mournful tone, as he laid hi*
hand on that of his friend.
"Well, out with it, boy,” oried Mike,
as Tim pnused. without any further ex
planation; "iet’3 know what it is, an’
maybe I can help you. Is it any mis
chief that of little - witch -of a Mary’s
brewin’ ?”
‘ ‘Yes'; 1 nothing else would have
troubled-me a bit,”replied Tim; "but
she’s given me tlio mitten, Mike, an’ I
don’t know whdt to do/*
"Whist 1 Give yo the mitten, has
she?” exclaimed Mike, scratching his
pate, as if to bring any ideas that might
lodge therein to the surface. "That’s
hard ! But I’ll tell ye, Tim,”.lie added,
after a pause. "I’ve known Mary over
since she wa3 a little thing, and then
she used to plague the life out iv m$.
She only wants to bother you a little,
(hat’s all; for she’d oa soon-jump of! the
top lv the house as give you up, me bojh
But she dcaorVea a good scare for her
naughtiness, on’ I’ll toll you how to bring
her round.”
"Do you really think alio Was duty
jokin', Miko?” asked Tim, riith a sigh
of relief'.
/‘To bo sure I do, lad,” replied Mike,
"and npw I’ll tell you howto got her
back again,”
"Ye will, Miko," repeated Tim, eager
ly; "oh, an’ you’re a blessed lot! it
you’ll do that samo I Do tell mo,
quick I”
"Woll, listen then,” and Miko pro
ceeded to unfold his idea to Tim, who.
at the conclusion of it* hugged him like
a bear. * ‘
"Faith, an’you’re a jewel iv a boy,
Miko I” be exclaimed eostatioally; "I
hate to trate the purty creature soj
but ’’
"She dcyMVt'fl it, all’ it’s no more than
fair,” interposed Mike calmly.
"Well, good-by, then,” and ‘whistling
gayly, Tim went off toward his home.
The uext day os Tim was sauntering
across the fields to his dinner, who
should ho see tripping Along over the
green, looking ton times prettier and
more ooquettish than ever, but this
same capricious Mary, who had taken
his susoeptihle heart so completely by
storm. At the sight of her Tim's heart
began to beat wildly, and he could
hardly keep Ifcom rushing forward and
eatohing her in his arms and kissing
those tempting cherry lips, but a little
saucy tow of her head as she came on
decided him, and he resolved to follow
his friend’s advice.
The foot wm Miss Mary had felt a
little nneosy ss to what tyie issue of bet
last evening's coqn«trj.pnd ill-treatment
of poor Tim might be. She loved him
dearly, and had done SO long before the
momentonsqnestioQ had been falteringly
propounded by brave Tim, who hadn’t
been absolutely certain whether he stood
on his bead or on his Writ jti m ijfr-h
SB two hours after; bnt she was suoh a
wayward little sprite that she was bound
to torment him to her heart’s content,
and let him see what a sprightly littl&'
will she hod of her own, when she oho.se
to exeroise it.
She expected that he would step ifi
and see her on her way to work that'
morning, as he had been wont to do;
but as the gentleman failed to make his
appearance, Mary began to fear that he
had taken her words in earnest, and so
at dinner-time she threw on her bonnet
and tripped aoross the fields, to intercept
him, and bring him ip to allegiance
again by one of hor captivating smiles.
Accordingly she hurried forward to
meet him, but, to her surprise, instead
of waiting for her to overtake him, Tim
walked leisurely and uuconcernedlv on.
and when at last she readied him, all
/lashed and a little "spunky,” he lifted
his hat, and. said, in » very polite, but
cool tofie:
"Good morning, Miss Mary.”
"Miss Mary, indeed!” echoed our
heroine, greatly surprised at this unex
pected greeting, and shrugging her
plump shoulders; "for how long have
we been such groat strangers, Master
Tim ?”
"I believe you have Broken our en
gagement, so that is enough to make us
strangers,” replied Tim, coolly.
"Broken the engugement! fiddle-
stioks!” rejoined Mary, beginning to
get a littlo alarmed at the cool, uncon
cerned mnuuer of her usually impetuous
lover, although she would not have
shown it for the world;, "what ore you
talking such nonsense as that for,
Tim?” •
"You told me so yourself, last night,
ma’am,” responded Tim, composedly.
"I’ve been thinking the matter over, an’
I don’t know but what the plan would
suit me as well^after alj.” ,
Had Tim spoken less coolly, or had
his voice faltered aDy, Miss Mary would
have turned and walked off, sure that
he would follow her before long; but
matters really appeared po alarming,
and Tim seemed so perfectly re
signed to his lot, that she resolved to
stay and coax him into good hnmor
again.
“What plan do you mean ?” she I
asked, somewhat faintly, palling toj
pieces a half-blown rose that she had
in her hand.
“Why, of our forgetting all about
each other, and taking Up with some one
else,” responded Tim, glibly; "I’ve been
thinking who to choose, an’ I guess I’ll
take Kate Somers; she’s about the nicest
girl I. know.”
"But, Tim ” began poor Mary. j
"And she has quite a nice little sum
of money, too, in her own right,” pur
sued Tim, remorselessly, who now, that
he was fairly in for it, began to enjoy
paying his sweetheart back "in her own
coin;” "and she’s pretty, has got an ex
cellent ternner. »nd would make a very
good wife. What do yon thiuk about
it, Miss Mary?”
"I wish you joy of hbr!” ekelaimed
Mary, longing to get homo to cry; and
sho turned from him, determined to let
him go. >
"Well, good-by,".called Tim, cheer
fully, although his heart sank;. ‘Til
send you a piece of tho wedding oako.’E
And he, too, turned, without looking f
behind him, and walked on; but just
as ho was about to despair of tho suc
cess of his frioud’s project, ho hoard a
light step behind him, aud-tho next mo
ment Mary appeared beside him;-
fler‘t>relty little eyes' and nbso looked
suspiciously red, aqd he| voice trembled
a littlo as she said:
"How soon will you have tho wed
ding, Tim ?”
"As soon as Kate is ready,” replied
Tfai; "and that ranitids mo to ask yoU;
hnve.yqn not got uuy otuer beau yet ?”
"Yoa,” answered Mary, with on bys-
tcrioal laugh, that with as inuoh pro-
pribty might have been styled a sob.
1 "Would yo mind tollin' mo?" pun
sued Tim.
"Oh, Tim !’.’ cried Mary, qs the last
spark of resolution, deserted her; "it’s
yon, Tim ! If you’ll forgive mo for
treating "you so bad 1" And she throw
herself iinphlsiVely into his arms aud
sobbed and laughed alternately.
‘•Whist, Mary, darling, don’t cry I’
cried Tim tenderly, as ho .drew her to
ward him; "we’ll make it oil up if ye’ll
promise something.”
"What is it?” toked Mary, wiping
her eyes with, one hand while she held
tightly on to him with tho othor.
"Name the day, darlint?" aud Tim
' bent his 1 beaming faoo and snatched a
kiss froW tile rosy cheek that Wuj turned
so temptingly toward him.
"JTon saney fellow,” oried Mary wkh
some of her old sprightliuess, "I’ll make
yon wait for that I”
"Then I’ll go straight off to Kate
Somers, by grnekma I” returned Tim,
attempting to disengage his hand.
"ItimWf, you’ll trot?’ retorted Maty;
'-'before you shall go to that old thing,
I’ll say—wliencver yon liko, Tim..”
"An’ that’ll not bo a long time-
cornin'," erbd Tim, rapturously; "and
now, Jewel, I’ll nee you home,' an’ then
I'll go back to my work. I!’
‘’But your dinner?” suggested Mary.
“JIero.it ia/’ and taking bur in hiH
. arms, he— bnt mercy 1 If I should stop
to relate all that be said and did on that
joyous odettsion, it Would take up moro
time than I have to spare at present.
' Farming Out the Teams.
On inquiring- wlmt "farming out
canal teams" meant, tho soribe elicited
tho following facts, which “reveal a some-
wind novel kind of‘bargain. When tho
winter, comes ,on, of course tho canal-
tnon have no use for their teuraa. They
have no stable*) in which to keep (liom,
and it would be ohoaper to kill them
than to put them out nl a livery stablo.
Bo the question what to do with them
until tlioy are noeded again in the -.fol
lowing spring arises. The rich old
farmers round about hnVo broad lauds
aud plenty of grain and feed.’ To keep
a few,mules would .be i littlo or np ex
pense to them, so they step up and,
offer.-.to keep tho mules-luring tho win
ter for so much pe.r week, usually a dol
lar a head. Bo, to, farm one mnle out
from December 1st to May 1st costa 820.
But the canaimen know tho farmers’
habit of feeding these mules almost
nothing, and the farmers know that
canal mules, liko tho long-eared brute
of the.circus; have various "tricks and
manners” and possess almost every
disease common to the genus jackass.
Bo a- mutual safety bargain is struck,
providing that in esse the self-willed
apimals shuffle off the mortal coil while
enjoying a hospitality analogous to the
human’s "Boarding-house hash,” all en
gagements financial end there. The
oanalmau pays nothing for tho wretched
liav and 1 ‘fow-and-far-between” ears of
corn or measures of oats which tho
Lrnto has surrounded before bis de
parture and tho farmer makes no re
muneration for the dead beast.—Albany
Journal. *
A Ktory of Fieklo Fortune.
A STOUT FROM MONTE CARLO.
Onifiltlltti ^olugoii Wliilp ii l.oklni Plnjrt
^ U Tit U hi ft MU f/|fr.
A correspondent wliri hoppontjd to be
there .in the winter of 187.1 i sends rifl
the foliqwing experience of Monte Carlo
and itn tragedioa: "I had Strolled," ho
Snys, "mto the'Oasiuo. iu tho afternoon,
and was standing behind a table watch
ing tho players. My attention was ar
rested by tho luck of an old lady whom
I saw win the samo stake, of l.OOOf. 11
times running. At tho same time I was
indistinctly awnro of a young man who
rose from tho table a few pices off on
my right, aud went to a sofa near a win 1
dow closo by. A miniito Infer there
caino a sharp report from the dircotiori
of tho window, and cm turning to see
tho c.viso' I found that the yontig mail
had ryllt'd from bin sofa, and a pistol was
lying On the ground beside him. Tho
croupiers tint at tho tables unmoved, bnt
the players started and ahuflljil, aud in ii
few moments most of them lmd risen
hurriedly to their foct. heveral women
wont out of tho room crying. Tho great
er part of tho men gathered gnpiug in
a semicircle round the wounded man,
who lay on tho floor bleeding fast from
the Atom noli; bnt no one offered to help
him uptil an English officer stopped for
ward and raised his head, when I took
his feet; and between us we lifted hint
on to tie sofa, and staunched his wound
as well os we aould with handkurohiefH.
Aftef several minutes two or three offi
cials ‘of tho establishment appeared
carrying on armchair, on which they
plaoad the victim, and carried him out,
with looks of grave disapproval and af
front.
"Afterward I found that, whatever
sympathy might bo attended to those
whosq losses induced them tti make
away With themselves respectably at a
distanoo, in their lodgings at Nioe, or
e en lin the neighboring solitudes of the
mountains, snfeide or the attempt at
suioi-kfwithito tbe preoineta of the estab
rtWfvfflbSlI
nir inexcusable bfeac
IIAKNF.Y’S KAUE FOR LIFE.
An llfflm’a Rri-nllrrllnn* nl an Inlrrr*Mn«
K|il*odv llurlna flip Klorliln lixllan Gar.
In 18M) Gnti. narney had a post with
t wo Companies of tho Second Dragoons
on tho CaloOsahatchts river, about ten
or fifteen miles abovo it* mouth, It
enters tho Gulf of Mexico at Beumbel
Island. Tho met) woro mostly in tents.
There was a small stoekndd, a sutler’s
store and a t6irn'nrary store-house in tho*
cmvunpmrnt.
Iu the middle of a hot night—t fovge-t
tho preciso date—tho Hi-nunoles, num
bering throe or'four hundred, under
Arpiaka, the Fish-Eater, and Billy
Bowlegs, surprised tlio post. Ool. Har
ney, ih Oonst-quencw of the beat and
mosquitoes, had taken his Mantlet and
left his quarters to sleep on a knoll on
tho river bank, whore tho eool brecee
swept over tho water. This alone saved
his life. IIo was awakened iu tho dead
of the night by the yells of the Indians,
the firing of gmm and the shrieks of bis
dying men, Tho houses and touts were
fired, tho soldiers killed before they
could offer resistance—In Hhort, it was
a massacre .of the soldiers—not au In
dian kdled in the whole affair.
Harney, iu his shirt and drawers,
without a weapon, could only run for
Lila. Capture would bo death by tho
crudest tortnro. Ho ran down tho
river, through a dense swamp, the In
dian yollH filling the night sir, and ho
boliovcd them oIimu on his trail. For
miles ho kept on, the scanty clothes he
wore torn all to tatters ou the branches
an he plunged through tho brush, and
fast as he went he heard a crash behind
ldm. He was pursued. At lant,
breathless, worn out so he could run no
fnrther, ho halted and turned. I give
his own words to mo of whht then oc
curred :
"I heard the red cusses close onto
mo. I know it was death, but 1 thought
I'd die game. I squared off, clinohed
my fists aqd shotted : ‘Qcjpio pfi” tori
Vila, <Sonfot£64 , 'iiprij!p6mo'VmT
tttth'eir
THE HUMOROUS PAPERS.
tVIIAT WK PINM IN THWIR L'Ol.VDINM
XU fOIII.K OVtill.
TIip Nrw Nlun-In nn 1‘xpP*** OIUrp-Thw
l'rnUp*mni- I.Inn I tv tlai’tl I,nek—Old
Hr l.ini- ltrr‘ rib., pip.'
degrees people returned to .the tables,
aud in about twenty, minutes from the
moment of the shot play was rtwuraod.
The word was ih the ineantiue passed
round tjyit the pistol nsted had been a
, toy, unloaded, and tho pretended act of
suicide a mere chantage or trick to ex
tort monoy. I had' reason to know
better, and whoa I wont out among the
palm and cactus aud goraiuum walks
abovo thp sea, those alleys of paradise
had for mo somehow ohabged their as
pect, and I was glad next day to travel -
further. Bomo timo afterward I ascer
tained tho sequel through that excellqnt
man, M. Adam, the Benator; aud friend
of Gnmbetta, to whose exertions about
this timo the origin of tho agitation
against tho gaming-tables was in groat
part duo. It turned,out tlmt tho victim
in tho present instance, ^ Bole, had,
after, three. months’ painful illness, Un
covered sufficiently to leave the Princi
pality, having been first tried, as similar
offenders whon they recovered always
weic tried, for his misdemcandf.”
The Hartwell (Go.) Sun says;. Last
Tuesday a handsome old gentleman, C
eet 6 inches high, with broad shoulders
and grizzly beard, seventy-seven years
old, who had just walked from New Or
leans to Hartwell, stepped in to seo Old
B., and said: “Ih 1839 you knew onr
house as the biggest grocery and ship
ping establishment in Charleston. 1
was the junior partner. 1 left Charles-
ten and did a successful importing
business in New Orleans, but the war
left mo flat. I am now footing it back
to the old Palmetto State.” Ho seemed
delighted when informed that it was
only six miles to* the Savannah River,
the State line.
- AIknk! of Lesseps.
An article on the suljqoot of intor-
ooeanio • canals, written by tho Hon, IT.
Wheaton* United States Minister to Ber
lin in 1843, and published in this coun
try in July of that year, says that a
canal wns at that time in actual use
through the transversal valley between
the rivers Air'd 0 and Ban Juan, on the
Isthmus of Darieu, perhaps 200 miles
down the coast from the scone of M. Do
Lessoprs’B present operations. It was
dug by the gnrato of .the village pi No-
vida, United States of Colombia, who iu
1788 persuaded the Indians of his parish
to begin the work. The canal was called
liaspnduvf*, from a ravine of that name
through wliich it parsed.-' It began at
the head of navigation on tho river
Quibdo, a brnqeh of the Atrnto, which
emptied into the Gulf of DarieD, and
ended at the head of navigation on the
Rio Noonama, or Ban Juan, which emp
ties into the Pacific. It was not navi
gable for seagoing boats, but tho abun
dant supply of water onablod the natives
to float barges across the year through.
There were no looks, the numerous
rapids in tho river being overcome by
' forfce of muscle only.
At the New OnnEANs Kxcosmo.v.—
The special agricultural events at the
New- Orleans Exposition are the .Fat
K took Show, from December 20 to -Jon-,
uary 10; the Horse Bhow from Decem
ber 25 to January 25; Dogs, from Janu
ary 10 to 20; Poultry, January 15 to
February 15; Neat Cattle, Bheep, Goats
and Swine, January 25 to March 1. Be
sides the exhibition of Agricultural Ma
chinery and Products, which is continu
ous, there is a Dairy Bhow and special
Dairy- testa February 19, to continue ten
davs.
. BOW1J OIUUB, ™ J.K- '
oried one qi my'own mon, the only man
besides me, that’ esoapod. aa he hiTted
withiqpjy roach. . I was tliatmad, to bo
* oared! tyy a white man, I knocked
hiu^ ^down. on tho ( spot! . It’s a foet.
Then ft Iql t ashamod,. of my not, picked
•him tip,.and told hjm I was^prry."
Tho two then qrawlod .ofi through tljo
swamp, and got. down by daylight to’
huiabel, Boland, swimming nerpss .tho’
narrow clianuol to its sandy shore. The.
uext day wo ran jn therp,. lor waterin'
the Otsego,, and found.Harnqy and his
soldier almost stark nakod on tho boaob,
both hungry and thirsty, but thankful
for life. : •
And this is known in Florida war his
tory as tho "Massuoro on tho Caloosa-
hatohie.” Tho reason of the surprise
was, that there was a temporary trueo
betWeenf the Indians and whites, am]
feeling r.o 'danget,' tho sontinels were
(CW and careless. ’After that Harney
planned and oarried out n raid into the ■
Everglades, in wliioh twenty-seven buck
Indians were killed or captured—and all
t>f them hhdg ns soort iw in our hands.
We captured about thirty squaWS and
children, who were held as prisoners
tilt sent West. I was on the mid/ In
it tho late Gen. Ord was shot through
tho shoulder. IIo was theh a second
licit tenant in the Third Artillery. Geu.
Sherman, now retired, was a first lieu
tenant in the same regiment at the
tiino ’ ■"
The {Spirit or Jingo.
GeorgoD. Tilljnau, ^member of <?pn-
gross from the Second district .of Hfijith
Carolina, is reported as saying, in reply-,
to a suggestion ot • the iXiossiBility of
foreign interfeBence,,if. we undertook to •
make-a canal across the Isthmus/ .
“Wo have- no mavy with'which to
maintain ou? right;tri carry on the work,
but if men aud money arc needed tore-,
sist interference, South Carolina would
cheerfully vote to contribute her quota
of both." . ,
This spirited declaration is perhaps as
premature as it is courageous. It has
a strangely, familiar sound, however.'
Except in regard to the ships, which we
certainly do not possess, tho same senti
ment was poetically conveyed in the
celebrated battle song of British Jingo
ism: ...
‘•\Vc don't want to fight, but, by Jingo! if we
'H
Wf'vp got the ship-, we'vo got the tnen, we ve-
got the money too.”
-We hope, says. a 11 exchange,' the ap
pearance of real Jingoism on tins side of
the Atlantic will be confined to sporadic
cases, and that the disease may yield
readily to common sense treatment
Unsoling.— A Boston colored man,
who recently wooed and won the object
of bis love, offered as ono of the induce
ments to the desired match: "Yes,
honey, an’ yon needn’t do a stitch of
work for a week after tho weddin’.”
HAD NO TIMS.
A gcntlemnn who drove tip to the post-
office yesterday and found no place to
hitch hi* horse called to jt bootblack and
asked if ho did want to earn a uickcl.
"Can’t diA it. just now," replied the
lad; "I’m going up Tho alloy to aeo a
slugging match." ‘
Close nt biA iieelrf was:another l>oy,
nnd (be gentleman addressed him with
the same inquiry.
"Oh, I Wouldn't atop n minut^,” pro
tested tho gaujin, "inr I’m one of tho
slnggsra he’s gi iug to see slug!”—Detroit
Free J'renn,
THAT KXritKBS MATTER.
A pop-eyed darkey rushed into an
Austin cxpre*H-ofllee, and flaked excited
ly:
"Is dar any express package hero f°t
Major Jonoa 1” * i 4 t
"Havo yon got an order ?”
"No, aab." .. ,
"Yon oan’t get any thing oqt ol this
without nn order.”
The colored gentleman went two mile*
and back on tint double quick. Ouoo
moro ho stood boforo tluS desk, panting
and blowing, aud fanning bimsolf .with
his lint.
"Henh am do order, anh.”
Express agent to olork: "Any pnetygo
horo for Major Jones V",
"No."— Texas SiftinQi.
A NEW uEAV.
He—But really, uty dear, jnat think
how sroull jny income is.. Instead of
buying a now dress, Wh^ not tnfn ’ihe
old one ? ' 1 n '
Bho -Turn tho old oto,'indeed 1 Yonr
incomo la plenty large enoogh if yon do .
not spend'it nil at the alubi >'• YwWrir
do a IttM* tnrniug ymmelf.., > t , .
He—IF' Why, whabdMfl.1 tnrtifi
(lYirn qm -• mm. knt—vWWtrr*:
(Mnh a UatL ', • < .
>• m'.' Bn loved-B*B. >
"Do yon lovo mo, dearest f" ihe asked
of lie* crusty old husband.
"Did you pay,those Bill* yoaterday ?’*
f’jYes, bqt do ypu—’’ .
"Is there anything you wnflt particu
larly to-day ?”
“No, but do yon lovo me, dearest?’’
"Well/1 gucBs I do,** he then *sn-
.tionaly replied^ as LjC carefufiy'Jileoorl a
nowepafier ^over tho P°(}Ji ct ,Wujto ha
carried his measy;—Qraphio^ , * t
"Jeptlif*/ 1 asked Mrs. Jones, ; who
vrifv'wfltlng n Tetter home. "How do you
spell sigu?” ... . ,
"H-i-n e," answonid Jones, ,wbp #1-
ways spJHs by sfrtind. • 1 ->
•T tJiougbt U'efA w'as n g in 11 'some-
w hero, "j t marked Jflnv Jones,dqnbtf,t\lly.
•"'lUrnt would make sing of it..* S-.i-n-o
spell*’Hiftu..** ’ ’’ ' ‘
"’JJjmCs. so,” sa'd’Mv ,Jo9o« proudly,
anil wrote home thst her hnslNWd/tjnd n
rrt*w fihi'e firuntV d for his storei -^Detroit
Free PrcsH. . **' “ ‘
: 'jviivH niDN’T'ttrr it.
There were three pr /our., of us in a
grocery store in Mscon when a toll,
solenin looking negro entered .aud pre
sented a written order for $5 : worth of
gOljJrt, ' .. ;t ...... I
"Did Col. Dunlap give yon this
order ? ’ sharply ioqn'red.the grocer,
Tho negro eeratohed his. heed .(tnd
looked Uncaiv, :< ; i-^ •• i ,
• "Did he sign it for you 1^ 4- '
“Bily, !)!**_," slowly liegrin the*msn,
“ImH Wm any doubt's dat Kferbul Dunlap
signed fiat flf order f” ’ ■■■’■■
"Of course I have 1” ’' * *
1 v *ben'dat aottlosde tsaSe an* 1 1 doon’
Want no trivdii.' If my floir' Julias - oan’t
do liet'ter cl Mill starter practicin’ fur a
hull week iV.e gwlne home itq tell him
dat he'd hotter drap eduoashun on' pick
tip do “cotton-chopper V'—Detroit Free
PresH. ' ‘ .' *•''
A PqnENOLOOIST IN HARD LUCK.
First Traveling t’hrenplegist—"Oan’t
you lend me a dollar?”
Second Traveling phrenologist—"My
gracious ! is that you? Why, you look
all broken up. .. Been sick V” . '
"No, but I’ve had very'bad lack. ”
"I should say so.; - Never saw. you
• look so seedy. Couldn’t yon attract an
audience at yoar last town ?”.-. . , :
•"Yes, I had e big ofldience, and dur
ing the lecture tried to. read characters
by the bnnhps. as usual;- but I-. mode so
niany mietokes thatAhe people madW me
give them their money back -and. .than
' they mobbed me.” '
"Made blunders ! I can’t understand
that. You never failed to recognize
bumbs before. What could have been
the matter ?”
"It seems the town had a new roller
skating rink and everybody was learn
ing.”— Philadelphia Call.