Newspaper Page Text
8
Written for the Banner of the South and Plan ten 1
Journal.
The Auger Family.'
NO. 4.
Perhaps further evidence is not need
ed to establish Blunderguzzle's claim to i
being a man of heart. The irresistible
tendency of his whole nature to (what
might be termed) deeds of photographic
benevolence, places his claim upon an
enduring basis. But these are days of
infidelity. People in these latter days
have a decided hankering after cumula
tive evidence. Time was when the
“mouth of three witnesses" was a guar
antee of establishment, even in matters
involving “loyalty.” Time was when
five minutes, spent in scientific scratch
ing on the summit of some old hill,
would furnish venerable philosophers
with gravel enough to establish many
wonderful geological truths, as they
were called. Time was when the
declaration that, “wheresoever the hen
scrateheth there the bug beeth," was a
matter of the most earnest belief,and took
under its comforting wing both morals
and physics. But now no amount of
scratching convinces anybody but the
seratcher, until “the bug’’ is forthcom
ing. In this instance “the bug” shall
come forth. Additional evidences shall
be offered to prove that Bluuderguzzle
is a man cf heart. The fact that Boan
erges determined, when he had him
born, that he should be a man of heart,
would be conclusive evidence of the
fact in any other age than this. Boan
erges never gets the worst of a bargain,
whether he trades with fortune or his
friends; and es]>ecinlly is this the ease
in his dealings with the latter—not
that he cares to cheat them, but sim
ply because he wishes to convince them,
in a feeling, practical, manner, of his
i superior intellectual attainments. Now
when Boanerges traded with fortune
for Bhinderguzzle, it was expressly
stipulated that the best beloved should
be a man of heart in consideration of
his being devoted to a life of tender
ness for the public—including, of course,
heroic women. The bargain was
- <»ntvk , Bhinderguzzle came forth aud
stalled on his career of affectionate use
fulness.
But it may be said that he has done
nothing in a public capacity to merit all
this praise, and that his life has been a
life of words and not of deeds. This
is utterly disingenuous. Whose fault
is it that Bhinderguzzle lias not spent
the last twenty years of his life in the
service of the much loved people ? I las
it been the fault of Boanerges ? That
most ancient parent of all the Angers
would never have opposed any obstacle
to the political advancement of his best
beloved; but lie would have wept for
joy, and slapped himself on the leg in
Augerish enthusiasm at every opportu
nity of promoting it. Has it been
Blunderguzzles fault? Has not bis
heart been yearning after official re
sponsibility tor the last fifteen years?
Has not (he language of his whole life
been a sincere, longing, affectionate
prayer that the dear people would suf
fer him to love them in an official
capacity? Has he not ever been a
friend to the mammon of political un
righteousness? Has he not played the
role of political midwife and under
taker with unsurpassed zeal and devo
tion, sometimes rejoicing in the birth
of a party that was to have “brought
him in,” but which left him
while it was yet young, to
shed unofficial tears over its early
grave? Bhinderguzzle has done all lie
could to prove his affection for the peo
ple. He has not been guilty of the
sin of abstinence from office through
choice. During the searches by the
people for great men to till great offices,
lie has never hidden himself away out
of sight. Bearing aloft the proud mot
to that “offices should ever be sought
and never declined." he has always
scorned to shirk the responsibilities
that would naturally grow out of the
profession of so exalted a standard of
political faith. Moses was a great,
earnest, patriotic, affectionate man;
hut he said (inferentially at least), “send
Aaron.” Bhinderguzzle is a great,
earnest, patriotic, affectionate man, and
helms never said “send Aaron." Never,
never. He will never say “send
Aaron. lie would take it as very un
kind in the people if they should “send
by the hand of Aaron,” "and he would
regard it as a very ungracious un
BANNER OF THE SOUTH AND PLANTERS’ JOURNAL.
brotherly act on the part of Aaron if:
he should go. If the office which the
people should wish to have filled,
should be great either in emoluments
or in honors, he would stand up in all
the pride of Auger principle, and say,
“here I am. Don’t overlook me. I
love you dearly. I expect to be buried i
in your midst. Dorit “send Aaron; l
send me.” Not that he loved Aaron
less, but that be loved Georgia more,
would the blessed Bhinderguzzle con
tend with all comers (not excepting
Boanerges himself.) for the honors and ]
emoluments of high position. Ah! it
is not his fault that he is not now fill
ing, at the least, two or more, of the 1
highest offices in the gift of the peo-
P le -
VV e have seen that the sin of absti
nence from official “flesh-pots,” on the I
part of the best beloved, is the fault of
neither father nor son, and hence it is
altogether disingenuous to ask what he
has done to advance the interests of,
the people, and what he has done to
prove his great affection for the people.
Can a man fill an office (of course we
refer to an honest man, not a Radical) \
to which he has never been elected?
Can a man serve a people who are un
willing to trust him? And if the peo- j
pie should not trust him with!
office, should the fact that he does not
hold office be cited to prove a want of
affection on his part for the people?
Alas! alas! “Republics are ungrateful.”
The murder of Socrates, the banishment
of Aristides, the building of a monu
ment to Lincoln, the election of Grant
to the Presidency, the failure to hang a
single member of the thievish horde of
puritanical, scape-gallows officials that
have poisoned the very air of our
section since the cursed triumph, the
failure to bestow the highest and most
lucrative offices in the gilt of the peo
ple, on Bhinderguzzle H. Auger, best
beloved son of Boanerges Auger, the
Great; all look to the same undeniable
conclusion of base ingratitude. Blun
derguzzle the hero, the statesman, the
orator; the political mid-wile and un
dertaker; the patriotic burier of skillets;
the trumpeter of his own invisible and
indestructible greatness ; the genius of
I disintegration; the magnificent inter
preter of Constitutional law; Blunder
| guzzle, the best beloved, lias not been
' appreciated by the people. lle has
: been “ignored and repudiated.” The
' papers have teemed with hisflff'ection
ate, fatherly counsels; but they have
fallen upon unheeding care, lie has
given the people “line upon line, and
precept upon precept"—here a great
deal and there a great deal. His affec
tionate mind would not permit him to
give to his dear people less than “a
great deal” of advice, how much soever
they might scorn it and spurn it, and
spit upon it, and cry out in bitterness
of spirit, “ who is this Bhinderguzzle 11.
Auger who is always thrusting his
opinions into our faces?” Alas! “the
course of true love never did run
smooth.” But B. 11. Auger does not
despair. An inveterate, irrepressible,
persevering, penetrating Auger like B.
11., cannot despair, His affectionate
heart will not suffer him to de
spair. “Weeping, sad, and lonely”
j though lie be, because of the in
gratitude which could shrink from
I bis embraces, be nevertheless looks
; forward with augerish eagerness to the
day when the dear people will turn and
rest gently in his bosom, like dew upon
the flowers. He looks forward to the
day when he shall have safely embark
: ed upon the great current of popular
j affection, and shall have gently floated
I down to the boundless ocean of official
: love and recompense. In the mean
! time Blunderguz/.le will continue his
i gratuitous contributions to the wisdom
;of the ages. He will give to the peo
i pie gratis, advice on subjects of a gene-
I ral nature with a view to the attain
ment of some Augerish conclusion.—
I After telling them that such and such
I emergencies will arise lie will instruct
them exactly how they must act when
such and such emergencies have arisen,
lie will reconnoiter every situation
known or unknown to the political
: world and give his dear people a de
j tailed account of the result of his ob
servations. He will, much oftener
than occasionally, let fly from his un
surpassed intellectual battery of Brass
Howitzers such slugs ol wisdom in the
nature of authoritative opinions on
points of constitutional law, as will de
molish every Gibraltar of opposition
throughout the country. He will
write, write, write; speak, speak, speak;
bore, bore, bore—-deep down into the
bowels of causes and effects. An:
Auger, one foot longer in reach, would
furnish a direct through passage to
Republican thought into the very
bosom of the Celestial Empire. Blun
derguzzle will not dally. Like a vir
tuous, though violent cathartic, he
scorns all North west passages to thought
and drives right On through bolts and
bars and barriers to wholesale conclu
sions, with a copiousness and directness
surpassing the Wildest attainments of
Castor ami Croton. He will not cease
to ad vise. There is no earthly danger
that the demand for his wares will ex-,
ceed the supply ; for his mind is more !
fruitful in the matter of advice than
Egypt ever was in vermin. In this
particular Bluuderguzzle is certainly a
prodigy. If the world is not aware of
the fact that he stands prepared to ad
vise it on all points, it is the world's
fault, for he has spared no pains to
convince it of the fact. He is an
affectionate raw, and cannot bear the
thought that the people should be in \
darkness, while he has the light which i
can enlighten them all. Like the ad
advisers of Job, he scorns to put his'
light, such as it is, under a bushel.
The truth is, no bushel, that we have !
ever seen, could cover so great a light.
The dungeons of the inquisition could
not shut it in, and the bolts of a thou
sand hastiles could not shut it out.
Bhinderguzzle 11. Auger! why, there
are twenty-one hundred and fifty cubic
inches of light in the mere name ! O,
blessed Bluuderguzzle ! live, and love,
and give light forever 1
Alas ! “ every rose has its thorn ;"
every great man has his failing. The
best-beloved is no prophet. Could he
only have had the gift of prophecy,
his character would have been complete j
—he would have been perleet. It
would seem that so affectionate and so
skillful an ad\ iser would have been, at 1
j the very least, as great as Elijah in the
| matter of prophecy. But not so. As 1
a prophet, Bluuderguzzle is, perhaps,
! the greatest failure on record. He has
i made ten thou fluid prophecies—not i
one of which has ever been fulfilled. j
1 It is a mystery which the very wisest
philosophers have utterly failed to ex-i
plain. Boanerges, himself, is utterly
unable to account for it, and where he
! fails to shed light, the wisest of earth
could shed only darkness. But the
strangest thing in this connection is
( the fact that Bluuderguzzle is not at
all aware of his utter want of prophetic
| skill. Indeed, he is perfectly satisfied
that he surpasses any prophet of ancient
l or modern times. lie claims to have
heen the first mortal that ever uttered
those remarkable words : “ I told you
so.” He claims to have uttered this
immortal saying when he was return
ing from, what he had foretold
would be, the burial of “ the skillet ”
of a distinguished Senator. Contem
porary writers disagree as to t chat it
was that found sepulture, but all are
unanimous in the declaration that
Bluuderguzzle displayed much emo
tion (owing, doubtless, to his affection
ate nature), when the clods began to
fall upon—whatever it was. However,
it is but just to say that some writers
affirm that Bhinderguzzle wept, not
because of his affectionate nature, but
because, on that day, owing to some
strange hocus-pocus, the icrong skillet
went “to that bourne from which no
skillet ever returns.” It is easy to
perceive that these writers are not the
friends of the Auger Family. Blunder
guzzle displays his want of prophetic
skill, as well as his chivalrous affection,
by always belonging to the losing
party. When he bores his way into
the good graces of a party, and flings
his love upon it, a speedy death is the
inevitable result. His enemies say
that there never existed a party which
would not have welcomed death as an
alternative to Blunderguzzle’s em
braces. However that may be, death
j always comes—-furnishing a pretext, if
j not a solid argument, for the bitter
| sarcasm. Boanerges explaines the
j matter, by saying that his s‘best-be
loved son has been the victim of many
untoward coincidences, owing to his
unhappy deficiency in the two great
cardinal virtues of inconsistency and
self-love”—which explanation is. in the
highest degree, philosophical and—Un
satisfactory. The truth is, Blunder
guzzle is n't altogether deficient in either
of these great virtues. No man could be
more consistently inconsistent, or more
sturdily unchangeable in devotion to
j himself. No danger is there that the
current of his love will ever break out
of that channel in dissatisfied search
after a smoother bed. He is a brave
man as well as an affectionate one, and
he is not afraid to let the world know
- that B. 11. Auger is “ the first person \
—being the person always speaking."
He scorns to be B. H. Auger, “the
second person—being the person
i spoken to.” To be the person spoken 1
of, he does not think so bad ; provid
ed. what is said is in the most approv
ed style of modem panegyric. In- ;
deed, he thinks B. 11. Auger a most
! exquisite topic, and illustrates his faith
I by earnest and affectionate practice,
lie claims that some of the happiest
: moments of his life have been spent in
talking to himself about himself—com
billing the first, second and third per
sons in one affectionate whole, to the
dismay of grammarians and old sash
! ioned people generally. Ah! what
angelic tenderness must have charao
; terized those conversations! Over
| whelmed by the thought, we take leave
of the blessed Bluuderguzzle—but we
I cannot weep.
• Written for the Banner of the Bouth and Planters’
Journal-
Woman s Love,
CHAPTER 11.
i Charles Bromley became more and
more zealous in his vocation. He pur
■ sued his studies with characteristic ardor.
Months had passed off in an unbroken
I struggle, to accumulate the treasures
|of mind. Contributions to literary
! papers secured a partial revenue but
I increasing power added to the value
| of each succeeding effort and of course
jto its monitarv value. At first he
; sought admission with persevering
| eagerness; already he was assailed with
corresponding applications for the pro-
I duotions of his pen. He possessed the
| happy faculty of enlivening every topic
! that he touched. Language was en
| riched by his elegant phrases, vigorous
! diction, and improved forms of expres-
I sion. Whatever was handled by him,
jin character, nature, art, or science,
( caught* life from the spirit with which
the viewed and portrayed it. Ilis wri
\ tings exhibited extraordinary fertility
: of ideas, and inexhaustible combinations
;of images, adventures and scenes, and
they were the more admired delectando
pariterque monendo. The cultivated
Laura saw this pre-eminence of mind,
and it filled her soul with admiration.
Viewing the spirit and temple—the
mind and body—together, she admired
and loved. Both her mother and her
self had cordially invited Mr. Bromly
to call and see them at his leisure. The
mind and body wearies under incessant
effort, and the spirit languishes in too
continuous solitude. A gifted man finds
companions in his own thoughts, and is
therefore never wholly alone. But
neither these, nor books, nor sky, nor
woods, nor mysterious stars, can always
supply the place of some congenial
spirit iu ministering to a wearied mind.
Within convenient reach there was no
j one so capable of relieving ennui or
! affording pleasure, by association, as
Laura Landon. Her conversation, al
: wavs sensible,was adorned with charm
j ing grace and refined criticism. It
| was free from the fripperies of fash
ionable colloquy, and yet there was
| nothing wanting in the purity of fash
ion. Bromly had seen that the shrine
of fashion was the focus of female van
ity, and the nursery of man’s frivolity
and folly—not sensible modes, customs
and conventionalities, but those excesses
which corrupt taste, weaken principle,
and often impair health.
-Miss Landon always received him
with cordial good-will, and endeavored
j to persuade herself that her feelings to
' wards him originated alone in sincere
friendship and admiration of his great
i talents. Mere sympathy is not always
a safe guide for the heart. One may
be taken by objects unworthy of at
traction, to admire which would he
sanctioned neither by reason nor reli
gion. Men sometimes fall in love from
mere sympathy with general appearance,
j without knowing aught of the qnali
i ties of heart or mind. Miss Landon
was first attracted in the same wav,
but an acquaintance of nearly a year
bad justified her sympathetic emotions
1 for C harles Bromley. Sympathy ripen
! ed into ardent friendship, and the tran
; sition to tenderer sentiments was easy
and natural, and is by no means un
| common. The generally accepted idea
1 that woman’s love must follow man's
is in the highest degree absurd. Many
women have loved ardently while the
j objects of their attachment were in to
tal ignorance of their sentiments. The
i world, by a common, but jierhaps ab
surd, consent, debars her the privilege
!of making the soft confession, but it
j would be positively cruel to deny her
| the right to offer those delicate but in
viting exhibitions of feeling which a
! loved one could see and take advantage
iofif he would. Women are aware of
! the world's opinion on this delicate
! matter, aud are therefore on their guard,
and are less liable than men to take
initiatory steps; but, under peculiar
| circumstances, it is as impossible for
i them as the sterner sex to resist the
encroachments of love. Laura Landon
was radiant with beauty, intellect, and
; virtue. She was not lacking in suitors
Jof merit, and yet her heart was cling
| ing to one who, for twelve long months,
j had made no offer of love. A singular,
: spontaneous impression upon her mind,
perhaps heart, adhered to it with a fond
fidelity. Was this a phenomenon of
I inind or a natural effect? There was
j about it at first a mysterious and ill-defin
ed consciousness. A sight of Charles
' Bromley gave the electric touch to a
j sympathy which had slumbered in her
i breast before. That was the moment
in her existence, when feelings were to
|be awakened in her bosom that had
i notjpreviously been excited in it. lliseye
I shea the light that was to charm. In
his tones was the magic breath
| that was destined to whisper thoughts
: unknown until then. This was singu
lar but it was nature’s work and na
I litre performs its functions under the
j fiat of Almighty power. When about
Ito depart, after a visit which her
] mother and herself had made to Mrs.
I Bromley, Laura expressed the wish
;to read a work which was lying upon
ia center table in the reception room.
Bromley slightly colored at her re
mark but very politely handed it to
her telling her at the same time, to
keep it as long as it could afford
amusement to her, but that there were
reasons why it should be entrusted to
her friendly inspection alone, lie
would gladly have erased some pencil
marks, but, with the work in her hand
and just ready to start, politeness de
| manded immediate acquiescence in her
wish. Her curiosity being greatly
| excited she lost no time, after reaching
! home, in looking into its pages. On
one in which there was a discriptivc
picture of a young and beautiful girl,
was written in pencil.
“Like my firstlove.” Further on, op
posite to a description of another
was written “Ono like her betrayed
| me.” Still further on was pencilled:
“Like Laura Landon, who has no
superior in beauty, intellect, or
' virtue.”
“Really, Laura,” observed her
j mother, “that must be a wonderful
book—you redden, grow pale and seem
! agitated at every page that you read.
I must look into it when you are
j done.”
“I was forbidden, Mother, to let any
one see this book but myself. You
: heard Mr. Bromley’s remarks when l.e
j handed it to me.”
“True, my daughter, but it may be
a work that you should not read.”
“Nothing could be purer, mother
than it is. I will hand it to you,
1 when I am through and will explain
j to Mr. Bromley when I see him,” say-
I ing that she went into her room and
I found some relief to her feelings in a
! flush of tears. Her mind had often
i been filled with serious thoughts,
: yea, melancholy reflections connected
with Charles Bromley and ties sacred to
the hearts affections. Those words in
pencil were his own. Twice lie had
loved. There was no insincerity about
him. No sickly sensibility prompted
him to write them. They were
; emanations of a candid heart. She
had never yielded to tears on his ac-
I count till now. Perhaps, but for his
allusion to herself, she would not have
shed them at all, That allusion, taken
in connection with his disappointments
so harmoninized the conflicting ele
ments of her thoughts as to melt her
heart in tenderness, and, hence, the
flow of her tears. Jealousy h and dis
[concluded on page bix.]