Newspaper Page Text
Snare Rib.
The hog belongs to the pacbydermata,
and they pack a dear matter of hirn after
he is killed.
The iail of the pig is insignificant, hardly
big enough to back a hog; b ! U pigtail i
tobacco, nevertheless.
When I speak of pigmy, I do not r«fer to
my pig. but to a pig of another color ;
is to say he ; s not, the pigment.
it has been said that yon cant make
silk purse out of a sow's ear; ut for all
that, a sous* ear is not so bad If we had a
souse here you should see for yourselves.
As the rar cannot purse you , however, let
us not puisue the subject further.
Some parts of the animal is not usually
consider* 1 good to eat, but 1 hive known
lots of people who could go the w b‘ bog.
J he whole hog, by the way, is not so big
as the hogsb *ad. I'was not a hogsai 1 this,
He was too pig-headed
1 he man who takes care ofh.m, though
not necessarily a po >r croatur -, is stilt a
pork reacher
1 he h >g 1 mean the four lagged animal
—does not Smoke until after he is dead, and
he only does it then to «ive id ,C'C «• Ca (;
must be taken that you do not get too much
of a bake on
r I he hog head is times called min
s so n
istei’s fa : but. 1 cann it any why, and will
therefore purs-on.
Hogs are sometimes felon mast, Like
the p >or ailor, they don't get much to eat
before the mast.
The tie which binds the pig to his home
is the pig stye.
The hog gets very fat, but no matter how
fat he is, you will always s r e him lean
again;t something. Although he does not
own his stye, he generally has a lien on it.
He does not take fat evenly; he always
has two spare ribs. This is not saying,
mind, that he has two ribs to spare.
Although a hog is a hog, he never turns
the cold shoulder to his benefactor during
life.
The meanest kind of a hog is the two
legged variety. It m ikes one aimoit bristle
up to him to think of him.
He is not a p’easatif. subject for comtem-
plation, and l will no' core you by des rib-
ing him.
lie is generally a poor shole. I need not
attempt to slow it, to you.
■-----• -*------
The Foolish Farmer.
And one day a m »n who was of smoo h
speech and canvassed for newspaper**,
came unto a rancher, saying: “For I wili
Bend unto you a paper in which there is a'l
that is goo 1 for men to know; and th >
price thereof is in alvanc-q and 1 forget
it not.” And rancher re vie Id him, say¬
ing. “Get ye hence from here, for your
editor is the father ot lies.” An 1 the
bull dog came forth and hayed a'oud, and
the former reached for his flint lock in the
corner, saying. “The tribulation of hell
are upon me, and he mocked me with his
importunities. Doei he think me a Unfed
States mint after at investigation that 1
shall do this thing ? And he spent his eight
dollars in whiskey and bought a new buii
dog and beat the o’ l woman with a c ub
And one day a temp st arose and the rain
came down from the heavens and there wa3
much dampness in the land. Aud lhe hay
in the field was spoiled, and the loss thereof
was nigh unto one thousan 1 doll u’s, coin
of the realm.
But his neighbor lost not his crops, be¬
cause he had housed three days before. And
the farmer exclaimed in the bitterness of
spirit:
“How did ye drop on the rain?”
And the other answered, saving . ‘No
rain droppeth on me, for I have the first
drop. I taketh a paper, and it eayeih:
‘Beware ot the rain in the West,’ and 1
beware.” And the first rancher smote his
breast, saving; “Behold the king of fools
that’s me.” And l:is neighbors, who all
took the papers, laughed him to scorn, say¬
ing. “Bog thy head in gunny ack ” And
he bagged it forthwith.
A Chinaman’s Moral Lodger
The idea of posting one’s good and bad
deeds in a ledger, so as to be able to strike
a balance now and again with a view to
determining one’s chances in the next world,
is one that would be hardly likely to occur
to any one but a C ine3e. In the last
number of the Chinese Record ?r, Mr Scar¬
borough, tlm author of the interesting work
on “Chinese Proverbs/ gives us au extract
from the running account kept with the
gods by one Li-Chuo Tsung, which we may
safely say is unique in the annals of book¬
keeping. On the debt side we find the en¬
tries: “For being at variance with my
brothers through listening to ray wite a talk,
1,000; for undutiful treatment of my w-.te s
parents, 100 ; for smoking opium ten times,
10. The numbers indicate, ot course, so
many black marks. Per contra, we find
on the credit side of the account, “For
burying a poor frleu 1 at my expense, 1,000;
for carefully nursing my sick mother, 30 ;
for making my wife join me in meritorious
works, 100.”—St. James's Gazette.
Eli Perkins walked into a grocery store
tbe other day aud asked for a dozen eggs,
“Haven’t got any,” said the merchant,
“they're very scarce about now.” “Well,
6aid Eli, “when all other resorts fail I know
bow 1 can get them, but they nrghn’t
very fresh.” “And tha- is?' queried the
merchant. “By under aking to lecture in
a town where lft'e been before 1 quoth
Eli, sadly.—Yonkers Gazette.
OCCOA NEWS.
By EDW. SCHAEFER.
VOLUME X.
A Dummy on a Colt.
A gentleman who bad tried by the Span-
j g } 1j Rirey and other methods to subdue a
w ii<J colt finally tried the Indian way. He
gays: “1 made a complete ‘dummy’ man,
whose long, dangling arms and queer, mis
imped body, with its stuffed hat instead of
a head, caused the little children much
amusement, mingled with astonishment,
when I gravely informed them that ‘this
w»s the man that was going to break our
colt for us. In vain they plied me with
q lestions. I would answer none of them,
an d they awaited my further proceedings
with the greatest curiosity. Next morning
the colt was brought out in good order. It
nftd to have entirely recovered from the
excitement of yesterday, and enjoyed the
currying and petting the boys gave it, tak¬
ing an apple from the hand of one and a
liiup of sugar and a piece of bread from
another. . Meanwhile I had my ‘dummy’
all readv, and with the assistance of one of
the lads, standing on the other side of the
animal, lifted it, lightly on the colt’s back,
and before letting it feel the weight of the
‘dummy’ I had the girth, extending from
each leg of the pants, securely fastened be¬
neath it> belly. We then stood aside, while
the boy at the "colt’s head slipped off the
bridle and got out of its way. Feeling
now, for the first time, the burden on its
back, and anticipating a repetition of yes-
tei day’s performance, the colt dashed off
into the lot, rearing and plunging, and go¬
ing through a series of equine gymnastics
w< nderful to be! old, while the old 'dum¬
my/ held securely in its position by the
girth around the horse, pitched forward
or b ick^ard, as the case might be, with it3
long arms flung wildly in the air, now com¬
ing down, on the horse’s head, now on its
haunches, then giving a frantic lurch to the
rinht or left, with head downward and arms
dan.ling between the colt’s legs, or recor¬
ding itself wildly, as the terrified animal
reared on haunches, to perform a ‘Mazeppa’
act, as it threw itself over the horse’s tail
and hu ig on by its heels, that would have
made the fortune of any equestrian in the
land We ail leaned over the bars, and
laughed till the tears ran down our cheeks,
as we watched the performance of this
‘free si* f0’’ for our benefit, happy that we
knew the colt could not harm himself, or
anybody e!s», and free from care concern¬
ing the safety of the ‘dummy,’ whose lu¬
dicrous proceedings we could enjoy to our
hearts’ content. The maneuvers of the colt
to rid itself of its utterly reckless rider
were wonderful to behold. Finding that
rearing, prancing, kicking and plunging
did not accomplish its object, it rubbed
itself against the fence, and finally laid
down and rolled over several times, but all
io no purpose. ‘Dummy’ still held on with
the tenacity of Sinbad’s ‘Old Man of the
Sea.’ At last, however, the loosened girth
dipped around, and ‘Dummy’ dismounted
from his late proud perch, and was left,
dragging and dangling aloug between the
coit’s heels, who made one last desperate
effort to free himself from it, but, a 3 be¬
fore, the attempt was a vain one, for,
though fallen, ‘Dummy’ still hung od with
the stubbornne.-s of fate. Perceiving, finally,
that no harm was done to him, the colt
finally cooled down, and at last commenced
eating the grass as contentedly as if the ob¬
ject of his late terror were not trailing on
the ground beneath him; for, by this time,
ihat colt had been completely broken.
That night, when he was released from his
burden, he was as quiet as a lamb. Next
morning the boys mounted and rode him
where they would, without the slightest re¬
sistance on his part, and never, from that
day to this, has he shown any opposition
to the will of 'the powers that be/ ”—L. U.
Canu, Santa Cruz.
Great Men’s Stomachs.
The power to eat well and to digest well,
says the Youth's Compauion, is not au ele¬
ment ot greatness, but it is often essential
to the success of great intellectual efforts,
involving—as in the forum—high and long
sustained feeling, and broad and apprehen¬
sive argument. The brain is food digested;
an j thought, feeling, fancy, will and ex-
passion are possible, in their higher forms,
ouly as the brain is well fed, just as the well,
f e( j muscles are essential to' a successful
athlete.
Lather had a good digestion, and could
go to Worms through as many “devils as
there we' Miles on the house-tops;’’ and he
was moreover as genial as he was heroic,
and kept bis h me filled with joy aud soDg.
Calvin’s digestion wasexceedgingly weak,
and no sunshine played on the grand, cold
mountains of his intellect and his theology.
Robert Hall, the great pulpit orator of
Euglaud, once exclaimed, “I eat like a hog,
and I preach like a hog.”
Much in the character of Dr. Johnson ia
explained by the fact that he was in the
habit of taking veracious stomache to the
utmost.
Carey, the cobber, who, without any
Devoted to News, Politics, Agriculture and General Progress.
T0CC0A, GEORGIA, MARCH 3, 1883.
academic education become the founder of
modern missions, the translator of the Bible
into forty of the dialects, of India, Profes-or
of Sanscrit at Fort William, an<l the first
Orientalist of his day, beside doing enough
other work to immor'alize average men. was
largely .nd.bte l toa .porous d.gest.on that
was never abused.
Says the Medical News, speaking of Car-
yle, who began early to suffer from dyspep
sia, “The gloomy view he took of the con¬
stitution of modern society was a reflex of
the mental depression due to bad digestion
His railings'and wailings over the degen¬
eracy of the time, his hopelessness of any
improvement, and his mean opinion ofal
the literary men and women with whom he
came in contact, ,i had their i . . . . the ,
origin in
same morbid state.”
A most Ingenious do ok.
Near, in the opinion of the Greek poet
Euphron, are the poet, and the cook. Both
he says, attain by an ingenious audacity
the apex of their arc. And to show the in¬
tellectual daring of the cook he tells the
following story: Nicomedes, the great king
of Bithynia, being once on a time some
twelve days’ journey from the sea, had a
sudden longing for a loach. Some lexico¬
grapher’s explain the word used by Eu¬
phron as “smelt” but the gvneral concensus
is in favor of the former interpretation. His
cook served him up twenty minutes this very
fish. Everybody wondered, for the season
to add to the difficulty of the exploit, was
midwinter. It is said that once while Sel-
den sat in the assembly of Divines at West¬
minster, a warm debate arose about the dis
tance from Jericho to Jerusalem. Those
who contended for the longer distance were
about to yield to the argument of their ad¬
versaries that fishes were carried from one
to the other, when the celebrated lawyer
cried out, “Perhaps the fishes were salted,”
upon which the dispute was renewed with
increased vigor. But the loach in the pre
sent case was quite fresh. How, then, was
it procured? French cooks can, it is well
known, make a delicious soup out of an old
shoe, but the curious device of the cook of
Nicomedes will be found equally clever.
He took a turnip aud cut in into the figure
of a loach, added a certain quantity of oil,
salt, and completed the dish by the sprink¬
ling of a dozen grains of blaGk pepper.
Nicomedes, devouring the disguised turnip
with a good appetite told his friends it was
the finest loach he ever ate in his life. It is
surely but a just reward of merit that cooks
posssessed of such powers as these should
receive those high salaries we read of in the
records of Imperial Rome.
All But.
A Wolf met a nice, tender Goat in a
quiet, retired spot on the Mountain one
Day, in the soft Summer time, and imme¬
diately picked up his Knife and Fork and
began looking over the Bill ot Fare,
“What would you do ?” asked the Goat,
with much trepidation.
“I would discover what sort of a Lay-out
this Caravansary can spread,” replied the
Wolf.
“Are there no Fire Escapes?” inquired
the Goat.
“I do not Know, nor do I care, as I Ex¬
pect to take but one Meal here,”
“But—but—/’ stammered the Goat.
“Aw, don’t but me,” answered the Wolf,
snappishly, and the next moment the Goat
had hit him amidships and knocked him
over a Precipe 200 Feet High.
MORAL.
There should be a law against carrying
concealed weapons.
History Repeats Itself.
Down at the Kimball House last Sunday,
one of a party remarked :
“I see that Gath has discovered the cu-
rious fact that at the end of the revolution¬
ary war there were very few mules in this
country.”
“Is t! at s j?” asked an old ex Confederate.
“So it says here in the paper.”
“Weil, now, do you know I discovered the
same sort of thing at Vicksburg about the
time the siege was over?”
“1 believe you had to eat mules out there? ’
“Yes, and that was one of the worst blows
ever dealt to Southern progress ?” m
“Why so?”
“’Cause them mule steaks started a
breed oi kickers that we will never get rid
of inside of three generations. And it hurt
the cause of music too!”
“How was that ?”
“The mule shank soup ruined every tenor
voice in the army !’’
Atter that the mule question was drop¬
ped from the conversation.—Georgia Major.
“Penniman/’said Brown, “is a wonderfully
versatile writer. Take a dozen of his ar¬
ticles and you won’t find any two of them
written in the same vein.” ‘ No,” replied
Fogg, “bat still every one is written in vain,
just tbe same.” — Beaton Transcript,
A Hermit of the Sierras.
—
,
?e ' Tge ar P^ r w 10 ues nu atr o. ,
e arson river, above ^ at r. s \al.ey,
w0 1 ' 1,1 8o me p acfcs be lable to have at-
.
“ genLly'bTn7'to The rTe’of
* ZbT
' Harper Hrper ’ however nowever ’ has nas piooa
, th h t°f bimself hermit,
j J n ': ver °u£ as a
| though such he is in reality. For some
eight years he has lived alone and appears
to enjoy such life. At the head of a small
tributary of the Carson is a little circular
valley, surrounded on all sides wail by sleep,
rock, hills. Against the south of the
j bluff bounding' the little flat or valley Mr.
i | Hurpar has built a cabin and in the rock at
th , rear he has dug out odd times cel-
| a at a
i , lar and , several . other , In T , fiat „ ,
rooms. the he
cultivates a large patch of vegetables. He
ha» a cow or two, a number of goats, a dog,
a cat and a big flock of chickens. He has
tamed the mountain quail and several flocks
are about as much at home arouud his
cabin as are the chickens.
Mr. Harper is a great lover and a close
student, of everything m nature, and in his
mountain home, “exempt from public
haunt,” he “finds tongues in trees, books in
running brooks, sermons in stones and
good in everything,” it would seem. How¬
ever, he has other books besides those to be
found in the surrounding brooks, and car¬
ries into his den from time to time a srood
deal of solid literature of the latest date.
Also he tinkers a good deal in chemistry,
particularly as connected with mineralogy.
His collection of botanical specimens, bugs,
beetles, butterflies, etc., is probably the
largest and best, on this side of the Sierras
Mr. Harper one# or twice a year comes
up as far as this city for books, instruments,
chemicals and something of the kind. He
is now experimenting upon auriferous
pyrites and is liable to make some valuable
discoveries, as as he has patience without
eud. He yesterday’ carried away from this
city a cart, load of crucibles, chemicals and
the like, and for the next three months will
be as happy as a “clam at high tide” in his
den with his new acquisitions. Although
there is snow on all the surrounding moun
tains, he says it is summer in his little val¬
ley and he has not had snow longer than
three days this winter.
A Contrast.
“Who wo-nld an old bachelor be ?” asks
the old song They are a not-to be envied
set of beings, assuredly Comparisons are
odious, yet here they are in order Think
of the superiority of the old maid over the
old bachelor in point of usefulness, Old
maids are useful. They can cook, sew, and
take care of the children, and nurse sick
people, and generally play the piano. But
old bachelors are useless. They do not
even know how to drive nails or split wood.
Old maids are amiable. If one wants any¬
thing done that requires patience and
kindness of heart, a single lady is sure to
be the one to do it. Oid bachelors are ill-
natured. They snub children, despise ba
bies and hate young mothers, and are al¬
ways so busily employed in seeing that
other people take care of them that they
have not a moment to give to any one else.
Old maids are nice looking and young for
their years. Old bachelors generally have
red noses, rheumatism in the knees, bald
heads, and mouths that turn down at the
corners. Old maids can make a home of
one little room, aud they cook delicious
meals for one over the gas jet, in cun ;ing
little tin kettles, besides making all iheir
own wardrobes. Old bachelors need an
army of tailors, waiters, cooks and distant
relatives to keep them comfortable.
maids are modest. They think their youth
is over and their beauty gone. If, after
awhile, some autumnal love is given, then
they take it as a sort of miracle, anu hope
people will not laugh at them for “marry¬
ing so late in life.” But old bachelors
think they have only to “pick and choose”
from all womankind for a wife, and boast
of their callousness of heart.
Coming Spring Bonnets.
The shape of the new spring bonnets is
medium. No bonnets so tiny as the small
capotes which have been popular this win¬
ter are shown, and no huge pokes like those
of last season are thus far imported. The
new bonnets are ornate with flowers and a
plentiful mixture of gold tinsel. Colored
straws in every shade and tint are shown in
profusion. A season of flowers is predicted
and the dandelion is the flower of the sea¬
son. Little clusters of blossoms are mount¬
ed on the top rim of the bonnet, mixed with
pompons and ribbons, or two shades of the
flower in ribbon—the pale, lemon like tint
of the edge of the petals aud the darker or¬
ange shade of the centre of the blossoms
are used An exquisite little cottage bon¬
net of Havana brown straw is trimmed on
the brim with a mass of gold colored
pompons, ostrich tip3. dandelions, flowers,
budg leaves, and a rosette-like bow of
TERMS—$1.50 A YEAR.
NUMBER 34.
gold velvet at one side. Strings of gold vel
vet two inches wide finish the bonnet.
.
'
An exquisite poke bonnet of pale straw-
p i t jj fc traw has a band of velvet an I
ineh an(} R wide p i aced npar the ed g e j
< ’ f,h ' Mm - A larre bow of satia ribbon in
“‘^erry color and in ,wo width*, one an
j nc h wide ’ the oth *r tWo inches is nlaoed
of tbe d d f ] 1
oq op nm t ; ”
’fT . , 'f't'T , .. nestled , , 8lde
18 * ° ne '
lhe st " n f of ,1 “ bonnet are double in the
,W ° '' ldth8 ° t f r,boon Black lace P okes
- ’
“ e nls0 0lIer ,'; d *“«•*«>« best exhibitions
“'j’P" 1 * "»«>nery.^ew York Mail and
8 *-P ieS3
Beauties of Nature.
How many important lessons would re¬
main learned if we were not surrounded by
the beauties of nature ! First, let ns con¬
sider the flowers; take one of the simplest
yon find, and examine it. Do you not dis¬
cover marvels of color and shape. In the
most common we find great room f ir study.
What a different aspect would this world
present completely devoid of flowers! In
all places and seasons flowers are hailed
with delight by lovers of nature. Many oi
our flowers are not natives of our country.
The hyacinths are brought from Syria, and
tulips from Turkey and Persia. The largest
flower ever discovered was found in the is¬
land of Sumatra. It has been named the
"magnificent Titan of the vegetable king
dom.” When in bloom it is more than nine
feet in circumference. It holds a quart of
nectar, and its petals are about as large as
a cow’s horn.
Next the birds call for a share of atten¬
tion. The nightingale, found only in Eu¬
rope and the British Isle, has excited a
vast amount of interest and admiration by
its delicate shape and tbe beauty of its
song The birds of paradise are from New
Guinea, and include some of lhe most beau¬
tiful of the featheied races. The emerald
bird of paradise is about the size of a dove,
and is said to excel all other birds in bright
tints of its tetithers. The sun birds of Asia
and Africa are so named from their glossy
feathers; but they are not singers. Nature
has denied some of the brighest birds the
gift of songs which she lias bestowed upon
the more plainly clad inhabitant* of
colder countries.
We cannot fail to note the arrangement
of the seasons. Before we have an opportu¬
nity to get tired of one, another comes.
Winter, spring, summer and autumn, each
has its lesson which serves to enlarge and
cultivate the mind. The years ioil by, and
we scarcely stop to note their blessings.
MISCELLANEOUS RECIPES.
To Mend Crockery-Wade. —Wash the
article thoroughly with soap and water,
letting it dry without wiping. The pieces
should then be fitted together and kept in
their places h*y strong twine tied firmly over
and around the article. This should be
done as soon as possible after breaking.
Put the article in a boiler a little larger
each way, and fill both with sw r eet cold,
skimmed milk; put it to boil for ten or
fifteen minutes: remove and let it, stand
until quite cold, when the strings may be
cut, and the article washed, if necessary, in
warm water.
Cemext For Mendixo CniXA, —Take a
very thick solution of gum arabic in water
and stir into plaster of Paris until the mix¬
ture becomes a vicous paste. Apply it
with a brush to the fractured edges, and
stick them together. In three days the
article cannot again be broken in the same
place. The whiteness of this cement ren
ders it invaluable.
To Protect Children’ s Clothing From
Fire —Add one ounce of alum to the last
water used in rinsing clothing and they
will be rendered inflammable.
Incombustible. —Dip them in a solution
of the pure veget-able alkali at a gravity of
from 124 to 130 (taking water at the gravi.
ty of 100.
Havixg regard to his antecedents, the
Right Hon. W. H. Smith is perhaps the
most successful English public man of to
day. His father kept a small newsstand
in an obscure and disreputable street,
rose in the world by establish’ng a newspa-
per booth at a railroad station, which was
he beginning of a business now worth
!?2o0,000 ‘ a year. 1 he son acquired . a com-
mon school , education , and , asststed . . hts , . „ ,
er in the business. After rising almost to
control the newspaper selling busines* in
London and making himself useful in par¬
ochial and local maters he stood for Parlia¬
ment in Westminster and was defeated.
Bat on a second trial he was successful He
soon made himself prominent in the house
as a man of business, and Disraeli made
him Financial Secretary of tbe Treasury
and-afterward Head of the admiralty. He
retains his place in the news agency and
ig a popular member of so3ieiy in London,
an( j j n Bucfshire, where he owns a fine
country seat.
ALL SORTS.
Old Rye to Young America “I am
thy father's spirit 1”
A beard full of nails is the worst we ever
saw.—N. Y. News.
The latest thing in homes—Husbands.—
New York Jcurr.al.
A gumdrop—Reduction in the price of
Arctic overshoes.—Puck.
Pill-makers are among the most expert
boxers.—Lowell Courier.
The head barber can best be relied upon
^J ^ D6Xt man,_ "* hiladelphia
p feSS r '
Silence may be golden, but it will never
borrow a dollar.—New York Commerci i
Advertiser.
If there’s anything in signs. then d-ng-
are pesue-ential V. sort of fellows.-
r»-. 1 , nrg . 3 e , e * rap , •
‘ *
It is a very small potato, either in th*.
vegetable or animal world, that is most
likely to be mashed.
Building lots and indignation are "noth
measured by the foot.—Philadelphia Chron*
icle Herald.
When the little short man begged the big
tall woman for a kiss, she stooped to con¬
cur.—The Drummer.
A prize fighter should be paid in English
money. The pounds are symbolic of his
profession.—Philadelphia Chronicle-Her¬
ald.
The new live cent piece contains a figure
of the American eagle, which is all right;
but it would be more appropriate to put a
dog on a scent.—Nortistown Herald.
Six hundred criminals were pardoned
from the Chicago Bridewell last year. It
means something when a Chicago man
says, “Beg pardon.”—Boston Transcript.
Why are so many classic concert pieces
called “polonaises” on the programme?—
Edith. Because they are quite long and
generally drag.—Philadelphia News.
What kind of a picture frame represents
the request of a man who, having been given
a free ride, wants one for his father also ?
Passe-partout.—Boston Transcript.
It is estimated that the losses by the
floods in Germany will reach 80,000,000
marks. These are high water marks which,
it is hoped, will never be reached again.—
New Orleans Picayune.
A manufactory of brass baud instruments,
was burned a few days ago at Elkhart, Ind.
Whether this is a dispensation of divine
providence, or only an act of the populace,
is not known.—Peck’s Sun.
Never sit without a coat at an open win¬
dow when heated,—Graphic. It has been
■‘scientifically determined that there is noth¬
ing mo’-e absolutely dangerous than a heat¬
ed open window.—Chicago Inter-Ocean.
It does look sometimes as if the only way
to stop these interminable disasters at sea
would be to adopt Max Adlers, suggestion
of having a man walk along the bottoffi and
hold the blamed things up with a pole.
The young man who called on his girl
the other night and mistook the cat for the
chair cushion and sat down on it, says that
he had no idea a eat could come up to the
scratch on such short notice.—Hartwell
(Ga.) Sun.
The papers are all laughing because a
Sunday school scholar, when asked what
was the best thing in the world, answered
“Pie.” The child was not so far wrong
after all, for what can be better than pie-
eaty ?—New York Herald.
Victim (to dentist)—“Good heavens:
mao, that is the second sound tooth you
have pulled.” Dentist (to victim)—“I beg
your pardon, sir, but as you had only three
when I commenced, I think I shall make no
mistake this time.”
“Mrs. Jones, I see your husband indulges
once in a while. Was it one of bis stipula¬
tions before marriage that he shall be al¬
lowed to imbibe when he wished?” “It has
always been the most literal of his tipple-
ations, madam.”—Rome Sentinel.
The Pacific must have been the bank
where the wild time grew. Does a maimed
soldier make a stump speech when he ap¬
plies for an artificial limb? The new patent
door closers are called “checks” because
they prevent a draft,—Boston Commercial
Bulletin.
An enterprising chap in New York ad-
eeriises that he is prepared to receive orders
for the composition of dime novels, circus
advertisements and other extravagant pieces
of fiction. His lie abilities are not estimated
but they most be immense .— Norristown
Herald,
; There is a young lady in this city who is
I six feet four inches tall, and is engaged to
< ! be u married. i tu I be who , her , did
n or man won it .
j .„ (hese w , Jrds . „ T(|Jr bMa(y ^ my ^
: aglow—I’d wed thee, right or wrong; a man
wants but little here below, but wants that
ittle long. —San Francisco News Letter.
They were talking over music and the
drama, at the table of their host, who, a?
; they were already aware, owed his fortune
■ to his own unaided exertions. “You are
fond of Rossini ?” asked one of his guests,
j “Passionately,” replied the host. “How
! do yon like his Barber ?” “Don’t know,
sir—never patronized the man, have shaved
myself for the last forty years."—San Fran-
cisco News Letter.